God Only Knows...

Sometimes, the one more thing mommy moments that I share with Amelia are heavy...like really, really heavy. And sharing them on this blog is a hard thing for me to do because of several reasons. There's the part where I'm worried that Amelia wil resent me for sharing things with all of the internet. And there's the part where I'm self-conscious with sharing with people how I react to our conversations. I don't have the best confidence in my answers to her oftentimes very deep questions, and I can get away with giving a stupid answer with my six-year-old. Not so true with the general blog-reading public. So, I'll share, but don't judge...I do the best that I can! Tonight's topic: death and heaven and Satan and...yeah...it was a good one. It started off as a talk about friendships. I knew exactly where I was going with this one. Amelia brought up one of my very best friends and her special connection with this person and how much she misses her and how she's so lucky to have this person in her life, and I was going to tie it into an incident that I had witnessed and how much I admire this person and then...with one innocent question, that whole plan started to crumble. The one more thing mommy moment we ended up discussing was more important. While we were reading our stories tonight, Emerson decided she didn't want to listen to Amelia's pick for the book and she chose to throw a fit on my bed while I sat calmly reading the story to Amelia. She threw her tantrum (as well as a few things across my room) as I continued to read Tasha the Tap Dance Fairy to Amelia. When the story was over, I walked Emerson to her room, tucked her in, told her I loved her and that I was sad we couldn't read her books. She apologized to me, and to Amelia and rolled over and went to sleep. As I was tucking Amelia into bed, she said, "I know what made Emerson act like that." "What?" "Satan..." "Well, I'm sure he played some part in it." "Emerson doesn't act like that, so I'm pretty sure Satan took over." This part of the conversation turned into a first grade sized lesson on free will and repenting and asking forgiveness. Amelia nodded and then asked, "Why does Satan work so hard to make us not listen to God?" "Well, he hates God so much that he wants God to lose. And when we are naughty and do bad things, Satan wins and God loses." "Hmm...it seems like it's hopeless getting into heaven then." "No, it's not hopeless. What's the one thing we have to do to get into heaven." "Die..." I laughed out loud...I try not to laugh AT my children, but I couldn't help it. "Well, yes, you do need to die first, but as Christians, after the being dead part, what is the one thing we need to do to get into heaven?" "Believe in God..." "Right! All we have to do is believe in God and believe that Jesus is our Saviour, and we go to heaven." "So, we don't have to be good?" "Oh, those things are very important. We need to be good, and follow the 10 comandments, and repent when we have done something wrong..." "Mommy? Do you think daddy is in heaven?" "I can't answer that Amelia, but I certainly hope that he is." "Why can't you answer that?" "Well, because I don't know what he believed when he died. I know that when we talked he told me he was a Christian, but it's not my place to judge and try to guess if daddy is in heaven. Just like I wouldn't know if you were in heaven. That's between you and God." "I wish there was something we could do to make it so Satan doesn't win and that there were more people in heaven than in hell. Ohhhh...wait a minute! There IS something we can do! We can tell people about God and try and get them to believe that Jesus died for us. Silly me..." I smiled and kissed her forehead. I told her that I loved her and turned out the light...and then I thought...and thought...and thought. Our conversations are always so serious. That girl is a thinker! And I wish I could have said that her daddy was in heaven with 100% certainty, but it is not something I would guess on. All I can do is coach her with what we believe and help her to understand what she needs to believe to get to heaven herself. I can only teach her what we believe as Lutherans, and what we believe as Christians and pray for her that she will grow to know and love Him, and that she will renounce the devil and all his works and all his ways. She is such a believer already! She is so strong in her faith and in her love for God. I heard that from many people that watched her performance in chapel last week. And I hear from others that hear her pray and profess her faith in God. And I see it in the way she is with Emerson, and in the talks that we have. It is comforting to know that she is being raised in the Lutheran church, and that she is being taught all of these important lessons in school. I am thankful that she has these opportunities. And as hard as some of these conversations are, I'm glad that she is asking me the questions she is asking, like wondering if her daddy is in heaven. Or asking me if I think there are more people in heaven or hell. She is a deep thinker, and the conversations that we have make me a better thinker. I know that our conversation this week was based off of the sermon from church on Sunday. We talked about heaven and what a great place it is, and how we will be with other believers and that we will recognize each other when we get to heaven. I know that she is wondering if she will see her daddy again. And I know that she is wondering if our friends and family will be there with us. And all I could tell her was to pray for daddy, and to pray for our friends and family, because I hope they are all there too... Some blog posts bring me to tears...and this one has. My heart aches for my little girl...and my heart aches for my husband. God only knows...