You Have No Idea

I know the intention for this blog was to share the cute little moments between me and my daughters, and so far I have stayed 100% true to that. I haven't blogged every night, because on the nights where we don't have school or work the next day, I'm in the middle of my king size bed with two little girls having a slumber party. And while I don't believe that Amelia or Emerson would be offended that I am writing about us, I don't want to take the precious time of slumber parties and falling asleep together to interrupt that for blog posts. And, it's virtually impossible to be sandwiched between two little girls and reach for my computer to blog without disturbing at least one of them. So, I committed myself to only blogging on the nights when they were safely and securely tucked into their own beds. We have not been feeling great in this house. Emerson has had a hacking cough probably since the last time I blogged that they were sick. Amelia has been feverish with an earache, but the lovely doctors at Prompt Care say that there is nothing wrong with her ears...or her throat...or her chest. She's just not feeling great. I have had the headache from...well, I've had a really bad headache for the past two days. So, needless to say, we're not really very fun to be around lately. Sleep has been sporadic, if any. We're tired. We're grumpy. We really just need a vacation. Luckily there is one just around the corner, if we can survive the next few weeks. Needless to say, there was really no one more thing mommy moment tonight, other than, "Mommy, can you please tuck me in first tonight?" which was followed by cheers from Emerson that she got to stay up a few minutes longer than Amelia. I tucked her in, kissed her goodnight, and have been in her room several times since then. She's freezing...she's too hot...she can't sleep...she doesn't want to sleep...her head hurts...her neck hurts...her ear hurts. Poor kid. I hate it when they are sick. Especially Amelia. She is not the best sick kid. So, hopefully this will pass quickly and we can go on with our lives. So, not having much to go off of in big girl's room, I made my way to Emerson's room to tuck her in. She stubbed her toe and needed a bandaid. Then, we did the worry dolls. Amelia hasn't had a bad dream in a while, and Emerson hasn't either, but Emerson has a newly developed fear of waking up alone in her room. Amelia wanted to help her little sister out, so she let Emerson borrow the worry dolls. They have worked wonders with Emerson also and she has not woken up scared since she started talking to the worry dolls. So, they are a miracle in my opinion. They have worked with both of my daughters immediately and they have saved them from many sleepless nights. So, I tucked Emerson in, she asked me to stay awake until she went to sleep (part of our nightly ritual also), and drifted off to sleep. Huh...0-2 in terms of good stories to share from my kiddos. Now what? Well, I could write about how I've been back on track for eating and I'm down 14 pounds in the last four weeks. Or I could talk about how busy I am at work right now and that I'm not really sure if I'm coming or going. But that's not interesting. I could tell you that I just took a momentary break from blogging to scare coyotes out of my backyard with the help of my daddy, but that might make some people that love me worry about me and my not afraid of anything attitude that gets me into trouble sometimes. Or, I could talk about how I was insulted at work today and made to feel very inferior, but that would most likely get me mad and hurt all over again, so that shouldn't come up. But, actually, I think that I will use that last piece to tie it into something positive. I've seen a picture on Facebook lately that people have posted that I've wanted to share 1000 times. I read it and my heart screams, YES! That's 100% correct! And that picture says, "Often the people who criticize your life are usually the same people that don't know the price you paid to get where you are today." This is so true. I have had many people that have critcized decisions that I have made on my way in my journey. And I think that this could be true of anyone, in any phase of life. There are always going to be people that will have some opinion to give of how you run your life, or how you choose to live. And that used to affect me very deeply. But there comes a time in your life when you have to realize that you know best. You know what you need to survive. You know what you need to move on. You know what you need to get through the bad times. You know what you need to celebrate the good. And the people that are going to judge just don't know. They don't know that you made tough choices along the way. They don't know the demons you had to fight to get to where you are. They don't understand the blood, sweat, and tears that were shed just to be able to wake up each and every morning. Many of you can probably relate to this on many levels. Surprising, tonight as I am typing this, I am not reading this statement and thinking all that I've been through with Brian. I am not. I am reading this statement tonight and thinking about how far I have come in my career. I carry a caseload of amazing children. I work very hard to form relationships with these children to help them be successful in their therapy skills. I am the department chair of over 30 SLPs and SLP-As. I write IEPs and have parent meetings. I lead department meetings and coordinate with the Director of Special Services. I collaborate with teachers, both general ed and special ed. I write social stories and read them to students. I run therapy groups. I delegate jobs to my assistant. I put out fires in our district, and in our building (not literally!!). I call parents. I have recess duty three mornings a week. I teach kids how to communicate. I'm probably a little bit biased, but I feel like I have the most important job in the school! I also have seizures. For those of you who have never experienced me having a seizures, it's not too scary. I don't have grand mal seizures where I would fall to the ground and shake like how seizures are typically shown on TV. I have two distinct types of seizures. I have absence seizures, where I could be carrying on a conversation with you and I would simply zone out, stare off...many times, if you didn't know I had seizures you might think I'm just thinking, or daydreaming. They are brief typically and you may not even notice. I also have seizures that I have a definite aura with. I know that I am going to have a seizure and I know that they are coming. I will tell you that I'm going to have one. And these are not a big deal either, although I do sort of go into fight or flight mode, and I'm not a fighter. So, I will try my hardest to make it to my friend Melody's portable if I happen to be at Jackson Park because I am mortified that I have them. I don't shake or convulse. I don't become incontinent. I don't really even lose consciousness. I lose time. And it may be a chain of several seizures where I stare off, or don't answer you, or can shake my head yes or no, but I don't typically remember anything about them when they are over. They are embarrassing for me and I can't necessarily tell you why, other than I wish I didn't have them. But, my brain has chosen to do this so I just deal with it. For a long time, I didn't really tell anyone, except a few people. My girls know, and both of them can identify when I'm having one, and we have our little emergency plan down. I am thankful to be blessed with two very smart children, who are able to find our emergency contact on my cell phone and call her if I need help. And if I'm at work, there are several of my children in my groups that also know the plan should something happen. But, I hadn't been very forward about telling my coworkers. But, it's hard to have seizures and work in a school district with people and not have that information get out. So, there are many people that know I have seizures and I'm ok with that. Or I was until today, because for the first time in my life, I felt discriminated against because of my seizures. Seizures are awful things. They are scary and frightening. It is very difficult for me, in particular, to come out of a seizure event and know that between the seizure and the utter exhaustion that causes me to sleep afterward that I have typically lost several hours of my life. It is difficult for me to know that there are things that I forget. Between the seizures, and the medications for the seizures, there are things that I simply struggle with. But, like many of my kids, I know what I have difficulty doing. I know where my deficits are and I have learned to cope with them. I write everything down! I have post it notes everywhere. I write down anything that I need to do in my planner, and if I don't, then I'm in trouble because I won't remember. I try to do important things immediately because if I don't get to them, I either don't do them, or I drop the ball. I have word-finding problems, that I don't feel like I had before so I either circumlocute, and talk around the word until I come up with it, or I just keep going so that hopefully no one notices that I'm struggling. Add the pieces that I miss from having seizures to the pieces that the darn medications take away from me, and it's any wonder I can communicate at all. My seizure medications are low dose. I'm on two different ones and they are not even the most potent out there, but they make me stupid too. I am often dizzy and groggy from them. The compound my memory and my word-finding troubles. I cannot multitask as well as I used to, and when I am forced to multitask, something suffers. Typically, my word-finding become more difficult. I am very aware of my deficits and it is very frustrating for me. I am a speech therapist! I am the one that teaches children how to compensate for word-finding problems. I'm the one that gives them strategies to get around memory deficits. And I'm also the one that struggles with some of the various topics that they struggle with. It's very frustrating for me, but I try to look past that and look at it from the point of view that I have the very unique position of knowing what they are going through. My poor babies that are medicated with way worse things than I'm on. My little kiddos who stuggle with language, making it difficult for them to read or write or do math even. My babies with seizures, and Autism, and Down Syndrome. My kiddos with hearding aids, or glasses, or wheelchairs. My little friends that get picked on because they are different. I never experienced this last one, I don't feel, until recently. I am the department chair for our speech department. I am not comfortable in a leadership role, but I frequently volunteer to do these roles to push myself. To make myself better in these roles. I want to develop the skills I need to be a leader, and I want to push myself to do things I'm not comfortable with in order to get over my fears and insecurities. I have done the chair position before, but I had to give up the last part of my tenure because it happened in the midst of everything with Brian's death and I just couldn't keep that piece at that time. I had many great friends in the department who gladly stepped in to help me out and I let go of the chair piece. But, I didn't want that to be my only attempt at the chair position, so I volunteered to do it again. And I haven't admitted this to anyone, especially any of the SLPs in our department (they'll know now, because I know there are several that read this) but this last round has been a struggle for me. It's been one added piece to my already full plate. I have only been doing the job for a little under three months and already we have had SLPs quit, SLPs get broken, schools not covered, assistants being shifted, caseload overages, and many other things. It's a lot to juggle the job of the department chair, and I've had to step up my game with trying to stay organized. And until recently, I thought I was doing a fairly decent job. Then, some things happened, and my confidence was shaken a bit, but I wasn't going to let that get me down. I knew that this was a difficult job to balance with the regular duties of a caseload and being a full time SLP at a school, so I pushed through, and made plans to readjust my strategies for helping me stay organized and get through. And then, I got a call...I wasn't doing my job as chair well. My communication isn't organized. I drop too many pieces. I make assumptions that I should. Perhaps my cognitive deficits from my seizures was just too much to make me an effective leader for the department...and those words stung. Maybe because I was afraid they were right. Like I said, I know there are pieces that are harder for me, but I didn't think they were impacting my job. But maybe they were...I was in tears most of the day anyways. Headaches and not feeling great make me weepy, but then this added layer of wondering if my peers think I'm incompetent was just too much. But then, I remembered my picture..."Often the people who criticize your life are usually the same people that don't know the price you paid to get where you are today." and this person has no idea! They were not part of the mess with Brian. They were not part of my seizures escalating and being a problem. They don't know what I've gone through in the last five, ten, fifteen years that has made me into the person I am today. And they cannot judge me or make me feel badly about the person that I am today, and what it took to get there. I know that I have deficits. I know that I struggle at times. I know that maybe I'm not the best person for the job as SLP department chair, but you know what? It has taken a lot to get me to the point that I'm at today. And I believe it was just a few short weeks ago that I was talking about the euphoria of moving on, and feeling better. And I'm not going to let the comments of a few people throw me off the course of where I was headed. I'm doing the best I can as department chair. I'm doing the best I can as an SLP with CKSD. I'm doing the best I can as a daughter. I'm doing the best I can as a sister. I'm doing the best I can as a friend. I'm doing the best I can as a momma. I'm doing the best I can...period. And there is not one single person that can take that away from me in this moment. So, what am I going to do? I'm doing to do the best I can, know that I will never please everyone, and do a better job of advocating for myself, in all my cognitive deficit glory. Because if that's what this person sees me for, I'm much more than that! And this person has no idea what it has taken to get me here!