I'm with the Drummer

Our family is the proud owner of a drum set. Which seems normal maybe until I tell you that part of Amelia's sensory stuff when she was little was auditory. She hated (hates??) loud noises. The Fourth of July was a terrifying experience for her. She would refuse to go to the bathroom in public if the toilets flushed on their own. Fire alarms scared her to death. She did not like loud noises and still isn't very fond of them. One of my closest friends is married to a drummer. We were at their house one day and he was out with the drums. Amelia wandered out and starting talking to him about the drums. He apparently handed her a pair of drumsticks and before I knew it, they were telling me to come to the garage. There, my auditorily impacted little girl was banging on the drums and cymbals with all her might. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe she was tolerating the crashing and the banging. She was playing her little heart out. So, fast forward a little bit and before I knew it, a mini drumset was being carried inside my house as a birthday present for Miss Amelia. She was thrilled! And I gained a drummer in my family as well. Well, after a while, I actually gained TWO drummers. The littlest one loves the drums even more than the big one. She plays all the time. In the middle of the night when she wakes up and can't sleep. In the morning when she should be getting dressed for school. Before bed when she should be getting her jammies on. She drums with her hands on tables. She drums with markers when we're doing homework. She drums under the table with chopsticks at Chinese restaurants. Emerson loves to drum, and she has amazing rhythm for a three-year-old, even better than Amelia. Emerson's favorite show is The Fresh Beat Band and her favorite charater is Marina, the drummer. So, when we asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she said she wanted another drumset, just like Marina's. So, I casually googled that and there is no way I'm going to be able to get Emerson a drum set like Marina's. Amelia decided a while ago that that is what she wanted to get Emerson. And Amelia had two reasons. One, it would be a great gift to get her sister and it would make Emerson super happy and two, she would get HER drumset back. But there just isn't such a gift around. There is not a drumset like Marina's to be found. Tonight when I got home from work, I looked for the five thousanth time and couldn't see anything remotely close to what Emerson wanted. I had to tell Amelia that she'd have to pick something else for her sister. So, as I was tucking Amelia into bed, I broke the news to her. She immediately wanted to tell Emerson. It wouldn't be fair to let Emerson be excited thinking she was getting her drums and then wake up Christmas morning and not get them. I tried to explain to Amelia that Emerson would be fine. That we would find her a different present than I was sure would make her happy. Amelia was so sad for Emerson. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, this was not the plan at all! I was going to get this for Emerson and she was going to be so happy. And now look! The plan is gone. It's ruined. This is not what I had in mind at all! Now what are we going to do?" I held Amelia close, told her she was an amazing sister, and that the purpose of Christmas wasn't about drumsets or even presents for that matter. The best part of Christmas is being together, celebrating the birth of our Savior, celebrating love, joy, peace, hope, and all the things that Christmastime is about. Getting to be with family and friends. It's THOSE things. Not drumsets. I told her that Emerson would understand, and she would love whatever we got her for Christmas. Amelia wiped her eyes and said, "You're right, mommy! We've been through a lot together! I'm sure that no drumsets at Christmas is not going to be the worst thing to happen to us. Pretty sure we've already been through those things! And if we can make it through that and be ok, then this is a piece of cake! Right, mommy?" I kissed the top of her head and said, "Right, Amelia! We are fighters and survivors. And not getting a drumset is not going to be the thing that takes us down." Amelia giggled, tucked under her covers and told me goodnight and that she loved me. I told her I loved her back and made my way to the living room. Most of my loyal readers know (ha...do I HAVE loyal readers still?) that this is where I make a sappy life connection, and tonight is going to be no different. The plan. The plan was that Amelia was going to get her sister another drumset and that Emerson was going to love it and all would be well. But the plan changed. It didn't end the way Amelia wanted it to. Emerson is not getting her drumset. The plan changed and Amelia was sad and it wasn't supposed to happen this way. I posted a few days ago about grief and the holidays and sadness and how I try very hard to make the positive shine through. It's getting a little bit harder. The stress of work and tying up things before leaving on break. The 800 things I have to do between now and Christmas. The excitement of my sister and her family coming up from California. And the moments that steal my breath away as I try and wade through the happiness and excitement with the moments that drop me to my knees and cause the floodgates to open. The plan. The plan was that I was going to be married forever. I was going to get my fairy tale. We were going to live our happily ever after. We were going to be a whole family because I would never be a statistic. One that didn't make it into their golden years with a spouse. I would never be the one that was a single mom raising her children without a father. But the plan changed. It did not end the way I wanted it to. I'm not getting my fairytale ending and I'm sad and it wasn't supposed to happen this way. BUT...and thank God for the BUT. It wasn't supposed to happen this way, BUT in God's hands, I am safe and secure and it's not MY plan in the first place. It's HIS plan! I didn't get my fairytale, or at least the fairytale that I envisioned in my head. But, I know that that doesn't matter. I don't need my fairytale ending that I envisioned. I need my girls. I need to be focused on them, and being their momma, and I get to have the honor and priveledge of doing just that. I don't have to share my children. I get them all to myself. I'm the one they call for in the night. I'm the one that holds them when they cry. I'm the one that helps them memorize pageant parts and practice ballet steps. I get to witness their eagerness for Christmas all on my own. I get to hear their secrets and have them whisper their dreams to me. This is my plan...this is GOD'S plan! Had I gotten my way, had I gotten to follow through on MY plan, I wouldn't be where I am today. We are safe, and secure, and happy, and we know that we are loved by friends and family. We know that we are cradled in our Father's loving arms. We know that we didn't get the drumset that we were hoping for, but we got something even better! We have the love of our family of three. We have the world at our feet and we have a slate that is fresh and clean and ready to write our life story. I went through many years of sorrow and pain to get to this moment. And I won't paint a picture that is all rosy and bright, because I have been in tears more often in the last couple weeks than not, but writing this blog and being able to tie my cheesy life lessons into the conversations with my daughters makes me realize that I have my fairytale. Through the tears and the heartbreak, I can listen to the voices of my babies and remember that I didn't get my drumset, but the gift waiting for me under the tree is even grander than that! I get my girls, and the exponential joy that comes from them! Plus, we already have the only drumset we need...mommy's head probably couldn't take two of them. Thanks, dear friends...you know who you are... <3

Time Flies...

I yelled at my kids tonight. I try really hard not to. I hate yelling...and I hate how it makes my kids feel. And then I hate how I feel afterwards. I'm pretty sure I've talked before about how our nightly routine includes reading. As part of Amelia's reading homework, we are supposed to read at least thirty minutes a day. I truly cherish this time with my kids. We sit in my bed and we laugh and talk. They ask me 1,000 questions. It makes my heart happy. Thirty minutes of reading is a lot, so when they asked me a few weeks ago if they could draw pictures while I was reading I gladly allowed that to happen. There are certain things they cannot do, like watch the iPad, or read another book, but if they want to draw pictures, they can. I love the pictures that they come up with! And actually, many of the pictures they draw have to do with the story that we are reading, so I'm good with the pictures. There's only a few problems with the drawing. Since we read books in my room, my room has sort of become an art disaster. There are colored pencils all over my nightstand. There is paper all over the floor. I find crayons in my bed when I throw the covers back. It is an art disaster. There are pictures of fairies and goblins and Jack Frost all over my dresser, and tucked under my pillow, and under my bed. And because we read right up until I tuck them into bed, I don't make them pick up. Instead, I put things in piles on my nightstand until it is buried under a sea of little girl fantasies on paper. Tonight was no different. Amelia sat next to me coloring fairies on bright yellow paper. When I was done with our story, she showed me her pictures and told me about them. And then she stacked them on the nightstand with the last few weeks' drawings. As she did that, I heard what sounded like 100 colored pencils fall behind my nightstand. I held my forehead and sighed as she apologized and said she'd pick them up. I told her it was ok, that we could do it later. As we walked to the foot of my bed I found Emerson sitting on the floor looking at me with a very guilty expression on her face. "Emerson, what are you doing?" "Mupin, mommy" (Nothing, mommy.) "Um...why don't I believe you?" "I don't know..." she said back, not moving from her spot. Then I noticed the green dry erase marker in her hand...with no paper anywhere near her. "Emerson, please stand up." "No, thanks, mommy..." I reached down and grabbed her hand to lift her and she laid on the ground, just enough to expose some of the green marker on my tan carpet. "Oh, Emerson! What did you do?" and then the yelling started. With both girls standing at the foot of my bed in the art disaster, I ranted about colored pencils and paper and marker on my carpet and how this was MY bedroom and they need to pick up their messes. Amelia stood behind Emerson, with her hands on my shoulders as I continued on. I then told them they had one minute to get me their water cups for bed and they both took off running. I was mad. My room hasn't ever really been neat. My room is the dumping ground for everything. I have lots of boxes from my Scentsy business, just in case I need them someday. My room becomes the collection place for lost toys. I have boxes of things to donate to Goodwill, and boxes to donate to friends. And there is a lot of stuff that just has never found a home. And now added to that is the art disaster. I'm not proud of my room, or my house on some days, but I do the best I can. As many of you know, it's tough to work full time, and have two kids. I have lots of help and I'm thankful to all of the people that help us out, but I'm responsible for nighttime routine such as dinner and bath and reading. Then there's laundry and the other regular house chores. My room has double locking doors. I can throw all of the things that I don't want other people seeing and lock the doors and no one would know I'm a few boxes short of gaining auditions for Hoarders. I went and filled the girls' waters and Emerson followed me around with tears in her eyes. "You happy with me, mommy?" "I'm disappointed that you colored on my carpet and I'm sad that you hurt my room. But I still love you." We walked to Amelia's room. She was laying on her bed crying. "What's wrong, Amelia?" "I'm just sad." "Why are you sad?" "I'm the worst daughter in the whole world!" "Why would you say that?" "Because, you're the best mommy in the world. The least I could do is make sure that we take care of your room. I should pick up the things that I use and I should pick up the house better than I do." And then my heart got a little bit sad because this isn't want I wanted to happen. I don't want to shame my children into thinking that the mess is all their fault because it's not! But, I also don't want this to be the message I'm sending. "Amelia, and Emerson, it is NOT ok to write on my carpet. And Emerson, you know this. Emerson, where do we use markers?" "On paper." "Right. On paper. Did you use paper?" "No...sorry, mommy..." "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I yelled." Amelia scrunched up her nose and looked at me. "Mommy, tomorrow I'll pick up your whole room all by myself." "No, you're not going to do that. Amelia...Emerson, this is not what I want for us! I know it's important to pick up our things. We need to try and remember to just put away the things we use when we're done with them. But, you know what? Cleaning is not why I became a mommy. That is not the reason I became a mommy. And yelling is not something that I want to do as a mommy. So, we are going to work together to help each other remember to pick up our things when we are done with them. You know why? Because then there will be more time to do the things we love! I don't want to spend our time together cleaning and picking up. I want to spend our time laughing and reading. I want to draw fairy pictures and decorate our house for Christmas. I want to have time to go make Christmas memories with MomMom and Pa. I want to go to Nana's and laugh and play and have a fun time. I want to dance to music in our kitchen. I want to play and pretend and dress up and have tea parties. And we won't have time for all those things if I'm so worried about picking up the house. We are fine! And we are a family! And I want to do family things. And if we pick up every once in a while, that's a good thing too! But I don't want to yell about it." Amelia smiled and said that she agreed with me. She said she would try and remember to pick up her things, and she would help me slowly pick up things a little at a time. And I vowed to appreciate the fairy drawings on my nightstand because before I know it, they won't be there anymore. Time goes way to fast. And I know there's most likely a happy medium between the house I have now and the OCD house that I would like to have. But until then, I'm going to relax about how it looks and cherish the little moments. I'm going to look at the fairy drawings on the nightstand in a different light and know that there will be time for cleaning and making sure everything is perfect later. Right now, I need to appreciate the crayons on the floor, and the toys placed here and there throughout the house. I love the little handprints on my windows, and the stuffed animals in my bed. The time goes too fast! Just yesterday I was bringing the girls home from the hospital and now I have a three year old and a six year old. The time is going fast and although Emerson still needs to use paper, I need to slow the pace down and cherish the moments. Now, to find out how to get dry erase marker out of my carpet!

The Most Wonderful Time

It's been a while since I've blogged...and not because my kids haven't had some great things to say. Mostly because I'm tired!! And I will not take time away from my kids to blog, so the only time I have is after I put them to bed and my other nightly chores are finished. And there was just no energy left in the day. Not even the 10-15 minutes it takes me to write these blog posts. There just was no more left to give on those night last week. Tonight, I decided to blog, but I came across another problem. Amelia was tired and just wanted to go to bed. I tucked her in, she wished me sweet dreams, and she was out. So, I went to Miss Emerson's room and tucked her in. She is choosing to have campouts on her floor right now, so I crawled across the carpet and sat down next to her. She sighed and leaned her head against me. Earlier in the evening we had walked together to close the chicken pen and check their water to make sure it wasn't frozen again. On our way out to the chickens, she had inquired about the headstone that is in our backyard. After Brian passed away, I purchased a small headstone and placed it in the rose garden behind our house. That way, if the girls wanted a place to "visit" their dad, there would be one there. Emerson saw it and asked what it was. We've had this conversation many times. She's in her questioning state, which I will admit that I wasn't ready for. As a mom, I knew that Amelia would have questions and need answers, and I don't know why I didn't think that Emerson would also have questions. But I didn't prepare myself. She was only 6-months-old when Brian died. She has never known what it's like to have a daddy in our home. But she has questions just the same. So, I answer them when they come up. But there isn't usually much more from her than What is this? and Why did you put it there? And then she tells me she's glad we're just a house of girls. After we went inside, the girls and I decorated our beautiful Christmas tree. We listened to Christmas music and sang together. We hung our stockings, even the ones for Honey Bunny, Sissy the dog, and the cows (Amelia insisted on one for the cows when she was one...our chickens don't have one yet...thank goodness! It was a delightful evening. I love seeing the joy on the girls' faces and watch them dance around the living room, giggling and hugging and singing Christmas songs. My heart was happy and so were theirs! Then, I put Em to bed and questions about Brian started flying at me. I took a deep breath and answered her questions the best I could. Telling her that he died and that he couldn't come back. That it was just us three. That we were fine without a daddy and I know it's sad, but we all do the best we can to move on and move forward. And then she asked me if I was sad he was gone. I told her that I was sad, but that I was so happy that I had her and La and that my life was complete with them. I told Emerson that I love weekeneds like this last weekend. Times when I can be with my kids and my parents. Times when we celebrate traditions like getting our Christmas tree and decorating it. Times to be with family and friends, enjoying good food and laughs and sharing blessings of the season. That I was sad sometimes, but there were so many things to be happy about! She smiled and said, "Yeah...I happy too." I leaned down and kissed her nose and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too and I went to the living room and listened to all the ornaments that didn't quite get put all the way on a branch crash to the carpet. And I had time to reflect. Christmas is a beautiful time! There are lights and parties and Nutcraker recitals. There's gift giving and Santa and Elf on a Shelf. There are tree lightings and warm, cozy houses, and sharing love with friends and family. There are traditions and cookies and cards from others. There is so much to be happy about at this most wonderful time of the year. But, as Emerson asked me if I was sad, it made me look at the other side of this time of year. I feel like grief is part of this time as well. This morning in church, there was a write-up on grief as we've lost many elderly church members lately. One of my Facebook friends posted an article on grief. There are many times that I will be doing something and catch my breath thinking about Brian and what he is missing out on. Watching Amelia dance in her Nutcracker debut, helping Emerson put ornaments on the tree, finding Brian's firefighter ornament, looking at decorations that we bought together. It's been three years since Brian's death. Surely I should be over it. Surely I should be able to go to the tree farm without crying in the middle of the swatch of fir trees. Surely I should be able to plan Christmas presents without thinking about him. But, that's not how grief works. I am thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the blessings that I have. And I'm thankful for how everything has turned out. But, I still catch my breath at times and grief overwhelms me. And I'm not the only one. There are many people that I'm thinking of as I write this. Friends who have lost husbands or wives. Friends who have lost people that are oh so important to them. Grandparents that have passed. People that we love. And for me, it's not just Brian. I would give anything to have my grandparents back at this time of year. The traditions that we used to have with them make me catch my breath even more than the loss of Brian. Knowing how much my grandpa would have enjoyed Emerson, and Amelia too, but especially my little fiesty Emerson. Thinking about how my grandma would have spoiled my kids with the dainty little deep fried stars that she made every Christmas with her friend Cybil, who is also gone. Missing the traditions that we had with them. Getting to celebrate with our relatives. Christmas is a magical time, and I am thrilled that I get to experience every moment through the eyes of my children. And I hope that you all have someone near and dear to you that can help you experience Christmas through the eyes of a child. If not, I invite you to check out my Facebook page, or read my blogs. If I can keep up with them, I will post a little bit about our December adventures. And I will do my absolute best to try and capture their Christmas spirit in words on this page. Because there is nothing like watching Amelia and Emerson race through the house each morning to find Lily, our Elf. Or twirl like ballerinas to Christmas tunes. Or jump up and down in excitement as they share the joy of Santa. Or cradle the baby Jesus from our Nativity and sing "Away in a Manger." And the two little people that I get to share my life with? They are enough to shake away any sadness! I hope you find your something to help you through if you are sad. Because this IS the most wonderful time of the year!!

Fair Winds and Following Seas

In case you didn't know, I really like football. I just got home from the Monday Night Football game where our Seahawks clinched a playoff berth...where the fans broke the record for the loudest sporting event...where the fans caused a small earthquake (again)...where we held the Saints to under 200 yards...it was an amazing event and I am thrilled to be a part of it! But, since I just got home, my children are not with me. BIG thanks go to my mom and dad, who are the best grandparents in the entire world (and also thanks to Marilyn for all that she does to help me out too!!). So, if you are looking for a funny anecdote from Amelia tonight, there won't be one as she is sleeping peacefully at my parents house right now. But, I wanted to come on and blog anyways because I have lots to say! Today was an amazing day! I had a great time with awesome friends. I got to see some great football. It was a wonderful day. But, some people didn't have such a great day today. One of those people happened to be my sister. In case you don't know, my sister lives in California. The main reason she doesn't live here is because her husband is stationed on a ship down in California. My brother-in-law is an amazing man! He is a wonderful husband, a devoted father, a great all-around family man. But, he is also an outstanding sailor. In March, he graduated from Oregon State Univeristy (some of the only times that I EVER rooted for the Beavers) with the highest honors, and was commissioned as an officer in the United States Navy. And that is where California comes in. They have been down there since March and today, he left on deployment. I have the utmost respect for Navy spouses, or any military spouse for that matter. Not only do I get this from knowing what my sister goes through, but I also work at an elementary school that is predominantly military families. It is so hard on the families to have moms or dads go out to sea for such long periods of time, have them come home and try to assimilate into the family again, only to leave again in the near future. All to protect our freedoms and serve our country. So, Ben left today. My heart and prayers have been with the members of his crew, the sailors on his ship, and the families and loved ones they left behind. I know this happens all the time, but it is harder for me this time because I am so far away from my sister, and I wish I could be there for her to love and support her through his deployment. I absolutely admire my sister. She is a strong, independent woman and she always has been. She is beautiful, a loving wife, and doting mother. She is one of those moms that makes you feel like you need to step up your game because she is organized and talented and remembers the little things. She is always taking pictures of her children and sharing them. She is the best aunt in the world to my kids and the best sissy. I miss her so, so much, and I wish I could be there to help her through this. I know that deployments happen all the time, all around the world, but this is their first in a while. I'm proud of her and I know she'll make it through OK! So, please keep your thoughts and prayers guided towards my sister and her family, and toward my brother-in-law Ben as he starts his first deployment as an officer in the Navy! I'm so proud to call them part of my family. My heart, hugs, and prayers are for you all!

The Page

These last few days have been a wonderful time! I love being a teacher, and one of the biggest reasons? I get time off with my kids when they are out of school too! I love that I get the days off that they have off and we get to spend that time together. We have parent-teacher conferences in our district right before Thanksgiving break, so the week before our vacation is usually pretty stressful. I have 54 kids on my count right now and I try to make it to as many of their conferences as I can. It does not always work out, but I do make it to a big chunk of them. Plus, I have evaluations and IEPs that tend to occur right around that time as well. So it's a busy lead in to the Thanksgiving break. And then four days of doing nothing at all! Just staying in my pajamas, decorating for Christmas, enjoying the down time with my family. Or, at least, that's what usually happens. Not this year! This year, my Amelia tried out for the Nutcracker, and made it! She got the part of a Page. In case you haven't seen the Nutcracker lately, the Pages are the four little girls who follow Clara and the Prince into the Kingdom of Sweets in the Second Act of the performance. They sit on stage next to Clara and the Prince for the whole Second Act. Amelia's favorite thing about the part? They get to eat cookies when the bakers bring them out. She was thrilled to get a part! And even more excited when she found out that she was hand-picked for the part because her teachers and Ms. Irene knew that she would be able to sit for the whole second hour of the performance. And Amelia took her job very seriously. So, we have been attending practices and rehearsals and meetings every weekend since she got the part, which I think was around mid-September I want to say. Every Sunday we would head to the dance school for Amelia to go to rehearsal. And it's been a long, stressful, expensive process. And then, Thanksgiving break! Not the relaxed, jammie-wearing break I usually get. Full run-through on Friday, full dress rehearsal Saturday morning, first performance Saturday night, second performance Sunday night. I will admit that I perhaps grumbled a little bit. I was panicked that I would never get the ballet bun down. I maybe teared up a little when we showed up for auditions in a pink leotard, and then read the note while she was auditioning that said she needed a black leotard. I felt like mom of the year when she was called out for not having good "ballet hair" after one rehearsal. I felt like I was writing checks non-stop: tickers to the show, flowers, a sweatshirt, a DVD of the performance, a CD of photos from the whole process, a donation for the raffle...and I grumbled and stressed and worried and prayed...a lot :) This past weekend was her performances. Two performances, one on Saturday and one on Sunday. All of our friends and family attended the Sunday performance, so I signed up to work the Saturday performance. As a dance mom (I've never seen the show, but I'd like to think that I'm nothing like them...LOL...because there were a few there this weekend...HA!) you are expected to assist with production one day, and you can watch one day. So, I volunteered to be the Page mom backstage for the first night. My job was to entertain the Pages while they waited for their part to start in the second act. I was to make sure they got to makeup, and went to the bathroom before their big debut. I needed to get them in costumes and make sure that ballet buns were still in order by the time they hit the stage. And I needed to make sure that they followed Clara and the Prince out onto the stage. And then today, I got to watch her perform. And what a proud momma I am! She didn't do much dancing, but to see her on stage in the midst of all of that, it made my heart soar! She loves to dance! She loves to perform! And she's a natural! She was all smiles...she savored every bite of that little cookie...she waved her little arm off when Clara and the Prince left the Kingdom of Sweets. Tears come to my eyes now just thinking about it. When she was done, Emerson and I met her in the changing room with flowers in hand. We hugged and I told her how proud I was of her. Emerson kept asking Amelia why Clara hurt the Mouse King and wanted to make sure he was ok. She cried during the performance when he died. Leave it to my little troublemaker to side with the bad guy! We went upstairs to our friends and she got more flowers and accolades. She started looking around, and I asked who she was looking for, wondering which of our family and friends she didn't see. "Mommy, where's Clara? I need to see Clara!" and just like that, the crowd parted and there was her Clara, across the cafeteria at the high school, waving at her. Amelia gave her flowers to my mom, and took off running across the cafeteria to give her Clara a hug. Clara (she has a real name, I'm sure, but we call her Clara) was the best! Being the backstage mom I got to see Clara interact with her Pages and she was amazing with them! They doted on her, and she made sure each and every one of them knew how much they meant to her. In fact, at the beginning of the performance today, Clara met the pages in the dressing room and presented each of them with a Nutcracker doll of their own. Amelia was smitten with "her Clara" as she calls her. They hugged and said words to each other, and Amelia came skipping back. She asked if anyone had a pen and she took the pen back to Clara and asked her for her autograph on Amelia's program. Amelia came back BEAMING! This young 8th grader from our community made my little girl's performance! And I am grateful to Clara for being such a positive role model for Amelia. When we first tried out for the Nutcracker, and Amelia found out she was a Page, she said, "I'm so glad I have this part! I get to sit on stage and see all of the parts and find out what to do to get those parts! And she knew from the beginning she wanted to be Clara! This leads us to our one more thing mommy moment. Amelia set her Nutcracker doll on the headboard of her bed and kissed him goodnight. Then I'm tucking her in and I tell her how amazingly proud I am of her! She smiles and I turn her light off. She said, "One more thing, mommy...I'm so sad!" and then she burst into tears. "Amelia! What is wrong??" "I don't want the Nutcracker to be over! I had such a fun time doing it! I loved all the friends I made in the dressing rooms. I love all my Page friends. And I made new Sugar Angel friends. And what if I never see my Clara again! I wish I had her address. I want to write her a letter and thank her for being the best Clara ever! I love her!" "Aww, Amelia! I'm glad that this was so fun for you! It's hard when things come to an end. But you know what? We can write a letter to Clara and leave it with Ms. Irene. And we could invite your page friends over." "But, I'm going to miss the Nutcracker! It was so magical! I don't think I can wait a whole year to do it again!" "Amelia, a year will pass and it will be Nutcracker time before you know it! In the meantime, think about your goals and what you want to do to make yourself an even better little dancer. And go for your goals! If you want to be Clara someday, then you work to be Clara! Do what you want to do and work for those goals! They are important!" "Mommy, I just want to be a page again, but only if I get my Clara back!" "I don't know if you'll have the same Clara, but if you want to be a page, then you work hard to be a page!" "I love you, mommy!" "I love you too, Amelia and I'm so, so proud of you!" and I turned her light off and walked to the living room. It's hard! It's so hard when something good comes to an end, isn't it? Think about the moments in your life where you find yourself in the middle of the moment saying, "I never want this to end!" There are many moments that run through my head when I think of this! There are so many things, so many events, so many times that I wish there was a pause button on life. Just to be able to live in that moment forever. Time with my sister, football games with Kristi, watching Amelia or Emerson dance, holiday dinners with my parents, phone conversations with Melody...and many more!! We don't want the good times to ever end. But, they do! And they don't always end like we want them to. The football game has to be over. My sister has to live her life in California. The phone calls have to be done. We all have more moments to move on to. And as hard as it is for those moments to be over, we wouldn't be able to move on to another moment if the previous ones weren't over. My fairytale came to a crashing halt. My life started to fall away a piece at a time in a span of eighteen days. I went from happily married to horribly widowed in eighteen days. I was devastated. And I mourned the lost of my fairytale, of my perfect life. I wished for our last happy moment together to never end. But it did. And you know what? If I had chosen to remain in that moment, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I wouldn't have become the survivor and the fighter that I am today. And I wouldn't be ready for whatever God has in store for me in the future. There's a picture I've seen on Facebook that says something to the effect of "When God takes something away from your grasp, He is not punishing you, but merely emptying your hands to receive something better." The first time I saw this, it made me angry. But now? I get it. My something better is here. I have learned to see the blessings through this. I may not get to dance with my Clara anymore, but there are bigger and better things headed my way! And I tried to explain this to Amelia. She will be sad that she doesn't get to dance with her Clara, but with her ambition and her patience and her talent, she will BE Clara someday! I have no doubt! So, don't be afraid to let go! Sure, it's hard! And it'll be sad, even heartbreaking at times. But, things have to end so new things can begin! And you have to let go so you will be ready for those better things! Because there are better things! Just wait and see...

Mermaids, Unicorns, and Fairies

When you have two little girls, your life revolves around fairy tales. At least ours does. We are always watching movies about princes and princesses. Certain Disney movies reign supreme in our house. Hercules, the Lion King, the Little Mermaid, Snow White...we watch them over and over and over again. We play mermaids in the bathtub. Amelia's favorite books right now are still the fairy books. We just finished the pet fairy series, and she can't wait to start the next set. She loves to draw and make books and write stories and they're all about My Little Pony, or fairies. Her story starters in her first grade class are all about fairies. One time, the teacher accidentally put another student's story in her folder. This story was about the Seahawks and football and I was so excited that she was writing a story about football. I stuck in on the fridge with a magnet, displaying it proudly. Amelia walked through and said, "Um, mommy...why do you have Ryan's football story stuck to the fridge?" "Oh...Ryan's story? Why do you have Ryan's story?" "I don't know...I guess it was a mistake. Why is it on the fridge?" "Oh, I don't know. I thought you wrote it." Her mouth dropped open as she stared at me and shook her head. "Mommy, why on earth would I write about football? I only write about fairies." I should have known this... But, back to the topic...we are always talking about fairies. Tonight, after we read Harriet the Hamster Fairy, I tucked her into bed and she looked at me with her sad face, which is the prompt for me to ask what is wrong. "Amelia, what's wrong? Why are you sad?" "Because..." "Because why?" "Because...I just wish so bad that fairies were real." "Well, who said that they weren't?" "Well, duh mommy...I've never seen one before so they can't be real." "Really? That's your test for if something is real? Do you think that Jesus is real?" Amelia gasped at me and said, "Of course he is real, mommy. Why would you even say that?" "Well, have you ever seen him?" "No." "So, that theory doesn't work, does it?" "I guess not, but do you really think you should be comparing Jesus to fairies?" Thinking that she had a good point, I said, "No, I don't think I should compare Jesus to fairies because Jesus is for sure real, but we can't be too sure about fairies, can we?" "I don't think they're real...but Joe in my class, he says that they are real! He says that he saw one before. I wasn't sure if he was trying to trick me, but he wasn't smiling or anything! So, I just have to keep looking." "That's right, Amelia! It makes me happy that you believe! Because I do too!" I kissed her on the forehead and started to head out of the door. "Mommy, just one more thing!" "What's that, Amelia?" "Do you know why I want there to be fairies so bad?" "Why, Amelia?" "Because they are good and fun and magical. And I think that there are too many things in real life that are just the opposite. Like my daddy dying, and like you not feeling well and having seizures, and people getting sick, and Lisa breaking her leg and being sick, and so many people hurting and feeling bad. I think we all could use a little fairy in our lives. And not just fairies. I think we need fairies, but I think we also need mermaids and unicorns...everything that is good and fun and magical. We need those things because life is too hard. Things are bad, and sad, and just too much. I'd rather talk about fairies than about not having a daddy. And wouldn't it be so fun if we could just think about unicorns and not cancer or being sick. So, I think we should look harder! We need to look harder for fairies and unicorns and mermaids! We need to believe that there really are these things. Because if Joe can see a fairy, I should be able to, don't ya think?" I smiled at my wise little girl and agreed with her. "We should look harder, sweetheart!" "Yeah, but mommy? We can only look for fairies or mermaids or unicorns. You know why? With our luck, we'd find a giant or a goblin or a Go-Gurt." "Did you say Go-Gurt? Like yogurt is a bad thing?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No, mommy...you know...a Go-Gurt. Like Shrek." "Oh! An Ogre...it's Ogre, honey." "Whatever, mommy...just avoid them, OK? We don't need anymore bad around here! Sheesh! I love you, mommy!" "I love you, Amelia." And I walked down the hallway to the living room. And once again, I cried. We do need magic in our lives! We all do. There were so many instances just today of times when we need magic. I have students who are struggling with death, and their mommas are too. I have teacher friends who are spending holidays missing loved ones. I have friends who are sick, friends who have cancer, friends who are injured. People are tired and stressed and worried and pressured. And in the midst of it all, I cry! I'm a crier anyway, but it's gotten worse lately and I'm not sure why. Other than I'm tired and stressed and worried and pressured. Other than I'm heading into the holiday stretch, which is hard. Other than my girl is talking more and more and I'm worried for her. There is just so much going on, but Amelia is right! We need to look harder. We need to look harder for the fairies and the mermaids and the unicorns. And not literally those things, but the happiness and joy and youth that they represent! We need to look harder for the things that made us happy and peaceful and young! There is so much hurt and hate and anger and angst in the world. Politics is stressful and the direction that our country is headed. Work is full of stressors, for all workers I'm sure, but especially for teachers and people in education. There is just so much heartache and tragedy in the world. Sometimes it's hard to stop and think about the magic of life! Because there is magic in everyday things. And I am lucky to have two little girls who remind me about the magic each and everyday. Working doesn't give me much time with them during the week, but when I am home it's pretending and magic and make-believe. It warms my heart when I reach into their hampers at the end of the week and the only clothes that are in there are pajamas and princess dresses...sign of a successful week! So, I hope that you take the time for magic...take the time to pause and really look for the fairies and mermaids and unicorns in your life...and take the time for prayer. Prayers for others in need, prayers for peace and joy, and especially at this time of year, prayers of Thanksgiving for the many blessings that we have in life. For although I am quick to see the losses and think about the hardships, I need to remember the blessings. For I am indeed blessed! I have a roof over our heads and a lovely home and yard for my girls to grow. I have a great job working with kids that I love. I have two of the most beautiful, smart, amazing little girls on the planet. I have a wonderful, loving family who are amazing and so important to all of us. I have the best friends anyone could ask for! I am blessed! I have it all! And I am so lucky to be able to be on the search for fairies. Take time to join me, because it's the best things in the world! And they're out there somewhere.

Mangrove Trees

I know I've talked before about Amelia's love of science, or even just her love of learning. She is so interested in anything science and the enthusiasm she has for the topics that they discuss is contagious. She loves talking about the topics that they are discussing in school. Just in the blog we've discussed giraffes, bats, and other topics that Amelia has come home excited about. Well, there's a new one to add to the list. Amelia and I had only been face to face about five minutes tonight when she started in sharing what she had learned. "Mommy! Guess what? We started studying a new topic tonight. Guess what it is?" "Hmm...I don't know, Amelia!" "No, really guess!" "Umm...OK. Is it..." "It's mangrove trees!" "Mangrove trees?" "Yes. But just to make sure you're saying it right, it's MangroVE trees...not mango trees. Mangos are fruit, and have nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you. These trees are AMAZING! They're called walking trees and they grow in the water and they are mostly in rivers. There are animals that live in them, and do you know that people, yes people, are destroying the mangrove forests and causing them to die?? They're just pulling them right up out of the water and there are animals and other creatures that live in them, and people just don't care about them either. They animals have no where else to go and they are dieing and people just don't care that bad things are happening to these beautiful trees." and the talk about mangrove, not mango, trees went on and on for like the first 15 minutes I was home, at least. She was horrified that no one was interested in what was happening to the trees, or the the animals that lived in the trees either. Later that night as I'm tucking her into bed, she says, "Mommy, just one more thing...Mommy, it's sad! I don't think it's right that people destroy things like the mangrove trees. Why can't we just be respectful with God's creation! It doesn't make any sense to be mean and cruel to plants and animals! We should love everything that God made and not destroy it. How would people feel if the places they lived were destroyed and no one cared. It's just not right." "You're right, Amelia. It's not right. So, all we can do is do our part to make sure that we're not destroying God's creation. Clean up after ourselves. Remember too be careful. Leave things the way we found them." "Hmm...just like our hearts." "What, Amelia? What are you talking about?" "Well, I'm worried about people destroying the trees and the animals. But, people are so mean to each other sometimes, that we destroy each others' hearts. Right, mommy?" "Sadly, you are right Amelia. We are not nice to each other and we destroy each other. It's just like bullying, or teasing, or being mean to each other. Why tear each other down when we could just build each other up?" "Mommy, I was worried about how I was going to save the mangrove trees. But maybe I should worry about how I'm going to save the people that are important to us! I know that we've kind of had a hard time the last few years, and our hearts sometimes feel like they are broken. But, I think if we try hard, we can help others with our broken hearts and show them how we mended them and they're not broken anymore." With tears in my eyes, I kissed Amelia's forehead and told her how proud I was of her. She is right. We have had a hard time lately, and our hearts have been broken, but it's just like the blog post from yesterday where I talk about walking the line. I know that we have a heavy, heart breaking story. I know that our story is filled with people tearing us down, and wanting us to be destroyed, but there were so many people that built us back up. So many people that bolstered us up in our trials and tribulation, and now that we are stronger and better than before, we all want to help others through our tragedy. This blog is one little piece of that. Maybe someone someday will read our story and will read some of the advice that we give, and will be bolstered up by our advice. Life is a delicate dance. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, but always you dance! Don't let the haters tear our your mangrove forest. Fight for it! Know that there are a lot of things you can do to protect the forest. And fight for it! Because the fight now will be hard, but when you save a piece of yourself, or a piece of someone else, you'll realize it was worth it!