I'm with the Drummer

Our family is the proud owner of a drum set. Which seems normal maybe until I tell you that part of Amelia's sensory stuff when she was little was auditory. She hated (hates??) loud noises. The Fourth of July was a terrifying experience for her. She would refuse to go to the bathroom in public if the toilets flushed on their own. Fire alarms scared her to death. She did not like loud noises and still isn't very fond of them. One of my closest friends is married to a drummer. We were at their house one day and he was out with the drums. Amelia wandered out and starting talking to him about the drums. He apparently handed her a pair of drumsticks and before I knew it, they were telling me to come to the garage. There, my auditorily impacted little girl was banging on the drums and cymbals with all her might. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe she was tolerating the crashing and the banging. She was playing her little heart out. So, fast forward a little bit and before I knew it, a mini drumset was being carried inside my house as a birthday present for Miss Amelia. She was thrilled! And I gained a drummer in my family as well. Well, after a while, I actually gained TWO drummers. The littlest one loves the drums even more than the big one. She plays all the time. In the middle of the night when she wakes up and can't sleep. In the morning when she should be getting dressed for school. Before bed when she should be getting her jammies on. She drums with her hands on tables. She drums with markers when we're doing homework. She drums under the table with chopsticks at Chinese restaurants. Emerson loves to drum, and she has amazing rhythm for a three-year-old, even better than Amelia. Emerson's favorite show is The Fresh Beat Band and her favorite charater is Marina, the drummer. So, when we asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she said she wanted another drumset, just like Marina's. So, I casually googled that and there is no way I'm going to be able to get Emerson a drum set like Marina's. Amelia decided a while ago that that is what she wanted to get Emerson. And Amelia had two reasons. One, it would be a great gift to get her sister and it would make Emerson super happy and two, she would get HER drumset back. But there just isn't such a gift around. There is not a drumset like Marina's to be found. Tonight when I got home from work, I looked for the five thousanth time and couldn't see anything remotely close to what Emerson wanted. I had to tell Amelia that she'd have to pick something else for her sister. So, as I was tucking Amelia into bed, I broke the news to her. She immediately wanted to tell Emerson. It wouldn't be fair to let Emerson be excited thinking she was getting her drums and then wake up Christmas morning and not get them. I tried to explain to Amelia that Emerson would be fine. That we would find her a different present than I was sure would make her happy. Amelia was so sad for Emerson. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, this was not the plan at all! I was going to get this for Emerson and she was going to be so happy. And now look! The plan is gone. It's ruined. This is not what I had in mind at all! Now what are we going to do?" I held Amelia close, told her she was an amazing sister, and that the purpose of Christmas wasn't about drumsets or even presents for that matter. The best part of Christmas is being together, celebrating the birth of our Savior, celebrating love, joy, peace, hope, and all the things that Christmastime is about. Getting to be with family and friends. It's THOSE things. Not drumsets. I told her that Emerson would understand, and she would love whatever we got her for Christmas. Amelia wiped her eyes and said, "You're right, mommy! We've been through a lot together! I'm sure that no drumsets at Christmas is not going to be the worst thing to happen to us. Pretty sure we've already been through those things! And if we can make it through that and be ok, then this is a piece of cake! Right, mommy?" I kissed the top of her head and said, "Right, Amelia! We are fighters and survivors. And not getting a drumset is not going to be the thing that takes us down." Amelia giggled, tucked under her covers and told me goodnight and that she loved me. I told her I loved her back and made my way to the living room. Most of my loyal readers know (ha...do I HAVE loyal readers still?) that this is where I make a sappy life connection, and tonight is going to be no different. The plan. The plan was that Amelia was going to get her sister another drumset and that Emerson was going to love it and all would be well. But the plan changed. It didn't end the way Amelia wanted it to. Emerson is not getting her drumset. The plan changed and Amelia was sad and it wasn't supposed to happen this way. I posted a few days ago about grief and the holidays and sadness and how I try very hard to make the positive shine through. It's getting a little bit harder. The stress of work and tying up things before leaving on break. The 800 things I have to do between now and Christmas. The excitement of my sister and her family coming up from California. And the moments that steal my breath away as I try and wade through the happiness and excitement with the moments that drop me to my knees and cause the floodgates to open. The plan. The plan was that I was going to be married forever. I was going to get my fairy tale. We were going to live our happily ever after. We were going to be a whole family because I would never be a statistic. One that didn't make it into their golden years with a spouse. I would never be the one that was a single mom raising her children without a father. But the plan changed. It did not end the way I wanted it to. I'm not getting my fairytale ending and I'm sad and it wasn't supposed to happen this way. BUT...and thank God for the BUT. It wasn't supposed to happen this way, BUT in God's hands, I am safe and secure and it's not MY plan in the first place. It's HIS plan! I didn't get my fairytale, or at least the fairytale that I envisioned in my head. But, I know that that doesn't matter. I don't need my fairytale ending that I envisioned. I need my girls. I need to be focused on them, and being their momma, and I get to have the honor and priveledge of doing just that. I don't have to share my children. I get them all to myself. I'm the one they call for in the night. I'm the one that holds them when they cry. I'm the one that helps them memorize pageant parts and practice ballet steps. I get to witness their eagerness for Christmas all on my own. I get to hear their secrets and have them whisper their dreams to me. This is my plan...this is GOD'S plan! Had I gotten my way, had I gotten to follow through on MY plan, I wouldn't be where I am today. We are safe, and secure, and happy, and we know that we are loved by friends and family. We know that we are cradled in our Father's loving arms. We know that we didn't get the drumset that we were hoping for, but we got something even better! We have the love of our family of three. We have the world at our feet and we have a slate that is fresh and clean and ready to write our life story. I went through many years of sorrow and pain to get to this moment. And I won't paint a picture that is all rosy and bright, because I have been in tears more often in the last couple weeks than not, but writing this blog and being able to tie my cheesy life lessons into the conversations with my daughters makes me realize that I have my fairytale. Through the tears and the heartbreak, I can listen to the voices of my babies and remember that I didn't get my drumset, but the gift waiting for me under the tree is even grander than that! I get my girls, and the exponential joy that comes from them! Plus, we already have the only drumset we need...mommy's head probably couldn't take two of them. Thanks, dear friends...you know who you are... <3