Merry Christmas to All...

I love the magic of Christmas! It's amazing! I found a picture on Facebook the other day that rang 1000% true. It said something like, "I used the think that being a kid on Christmas was the best thing ever but it turns out having kids on Christmas is." That statement is definitely true. Watching the excitement in their eyes as presents pile up under the tree. Hearing their little cherub voices singing "Away in a Manger" at our Christmas Even service tonight. Seeing the wonderment in their eyes as they stared at their candles during church tonight, singing Silent Night. Having Amelia pull me over to the Nativity scene at church and being so excited to see the baby Jesus FINALLY in his spot in the manger. Listening to their eager giggling as they snuggled into Amelia's bed together for their Christmas Eve sleepover while waiting for Santa. My heart fills with pride and love, adoration and excitement as I experience Christmas through the eyes of my two baby girls. It is truly amazing and I often find myself closing my eyes, choking back tears, and wishing that the moment would never end. I know time can't stand still, but if I could just will it to slow down...even for a moment. There is no part of these moments that I want to miss. I tucked the girls into bed tonight, after opening one gift, and told them to hurry to sleep so Santa would come. He wrote Amelia and Emerson letters earlier this month and told them that our house would be the first stop. That was amazing motivation for them to get right to sleep! There was no arguing or asking for more ice in their water. There was no telling me they needed to go potty and no asking for more blankets. It was right in and right to sleep. As I was giving out goodnight kisses, Amelia reached up and grabbed my neck. "Just one more thing, Mommy?" "Of course sweetheart!" "Well, is it one year from January to December?" "Yes, pretty much. 2013 ran from January to December and 2014 will do that too." "Well, mommy...I just have to say, that this was our best year EVER" "You're right, Amelia! I think every year just keeps getting better and better, don't you?" "Yup! I think so! And why wouldn't it? We have everything we want! Everything we need! And any year I get to be with you and Emerson is my best year!" My eyes filled with tears and all I could muster was a "I couldn't agree more, Amelia. Time spent with you and Em is my best year too!" "Good night, mommy! Don't stay up too late! Santa won't come, and we're his first stop, you know!" I smiled and said, "Yes, La...I know! Good night!" And then I made my way to the living room. I sat for a few minutes until I heard two little snoring girls in the next room and then I got to work. I ate some lovely cookies and drank some milk. I went outside to the deck and broke up the carrots into little pieces and scattered them. Not something I usually do, but the Santa we visited this year took extra time with my kiddos. He told them to go outside Christmas morning and look for carrot pieces that rolled off the roof while the reindeer ate them. Thanks a lot, Santa! I needed something else to remember...haha! It was kinda magical for even me while I was doing it though. I'm just picturing the girls' faces when they run out to the deck. I tucked Lily back into her Elf on the Shelf box (thanks to Richard's family for reminding me in their Facebook post!!) Then, I stood back at the end and took it all in. The happiness of the girls...the beauty of our lovely Christmas tree...the frost forming on the grass and porch outside...how blessed I am to have a job where I can get presents for all of us...what a glorious time of year! And then, just for a second, the image of my whole, complete family popped into my head. I'm not sure if any of my readers have experienced grief, but it catches you off guard...when you least expect it. And at that moment, it caught me and it knocked the stuffing out of me. It caught my breath, just for a moment, but that moment was enough to let it in. And my heart broke in two. Sharing a private moment with all of you, I spend a lot of my time in anger. My grief is mostly anger. But every once in a while, and for sure on Christmas Eve, what starts off as anger turns into sadness. As I'm running around playing Santa for my girls, every year it catches me off guard. I'm the only one here playing Santa. I'm putting together toys and setting things out just right. I'm going to ballet recitals and Nutcracker practice. I'm baking cookies and putting together teacher gifts. I'm mailing out cards and wrapping presents. And for all the fun I have doing all of those things, and for all the thankfulness I have in my heart that I am doing those things and getting to be a part of all of that, there's also the piece where I miss my partner. I miss my husband. I miss my friend. I miss shopping for the girls together and being so excited over our purchases. I miss slapping his hand as he stole cookies off of the pan. I miss having some sort of lookout while I set stuff out from Santa. I miss my husband. And in the middle of all of the decorations and gifts from Santa, I cry. I grieve. I beg to go back in time, if even for a moment. I get angry at all that he's missing out on. The girls' ballet recitals are another emotional time for me because I get angry that he's gone then too. I get upset that he's missing out on their lives. On our holidays. On our Christmas. And then...the moment passes. The grief subsides. And life goes on. I turn and switch the light off and smile at the stockings hanging and ready. I walk to the girls' room and walk in, pausing to listen to their breathing and smiling as I see they are snuggled close together, waiting for the time to pass before they can wake me up and head to see their new treasures. And the grief is tucked away once again. Because this is the most wonderful time of year! And there is no place for grief. We are happy, and healthy, and blessed more than most! I have a lovely home, two beautiful girls that I get all to myself, a spacious yard to play in. I have family all around, my parents right next door. I have my sis in town for a bit with her little angel babies. I have a church family that I love. I have friends who help out with so many things...watching the girls while I'm at work, driving them to and from school, driving them to ballet practice. I have a school that my kids' love to attend, and I have a school that is a huge part of family for me. I have friends that would do anything for me, and DO do anything for me. I have so much in my life! And I can't complain! So, I let that grief sneak in for a bit, because I deserve that also, but I tuck it away and move forward! Because tomorrow is Christmas! And I get to wake up to Amelia and Emerson! That's all that I have on my list! Is waking up to those two precious little ones and knowing that I'm their momma and I love them with all my being! So, my family sends Christmas blessings to your family! I hope that you close your eyes at the important little moments and will time to slow down, if even for second because time goes too fast and we all needs those moments! Slow down and enjoy them! Grieve for the ones that you have lost and remember them in this time also, but tuck that away and move forward! There are so many more memories to be made! Be glad that you're still here to make those memories, and then go make them! Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night!!