Time Flies...

I yelled at my kids tonight. I try really hard not to. I hate yelling...and I hate how it makes my kids feel. And then I hate how I feel afterwards. I'm pretty sure I've talked before about how our nightly routine includes reading. As part of Amelia's reading homework, we are supposed to read at least thirty minutes a day. I truly cherish this time with my kids. We sit in my bed and we laugh and talk. They ask me 1,000 questions. It makes my heart happy. Thirty minutes of reading is a lot, so when they asked me a few weeks ago if they could draw pictures while I was reading I gladly allowed that to happen. There are certain things they cannot do, like watch the iPad, or read another book, but if they want to draw pictures, they can. I love the pictures that they come up with! And actually, many of the pictures they draw have to do with the story that we are reading, so I'm good with the pictures. There's only a few problems with the drawing. Since we read books in my room, my room has sort of become an art disaster. There are colored pencils all over my nightstand. There is paper all over the floor. I find crayons in my bed when I throw the covers back. It is an art disaster. There are pictures of fairies and goblins and Jack Frost all over my dresser, and tucked under my pillow, and under my bed. And because we read right up until I tuck them into bed, I don't make them pick up. Instead, I put things in piles on my nightstand until it is buried under a sea of little girl fantasies on paper. Tonight was no different. Amelia sat next to me coloring fairies on bright yellow paper. When I was done with our story, she showed me her pictures and told me about them. And then she stacked them on the nightstand with the last few weeks' drawings. As she did that, I heard what sounded like 100 colored pencils fall behind my nightstand. I held my forehead and sighed as she apologized and said she'd pick them up. I told her it was ok, that we could do it later. As we walked to the foot of my bed I found Emerson sitting on the floor looking at me with a very guilty expression on her face. "Emerson, what are you doing?" "Mupin, mommy" (Nothing, mommy.) "Um...why don't I believe you?" "I don't know..." she said back, not moving from her spot. Then I noticed the green dry erase marker in her hand...with no paper anywhere near her. "Emerson, please stand up." "No, thanks, mommy..." I reached down and grabbed her hand to lift her and she laid on the ground, just enough to expose some of the green marker on my tan carpet. "Oh, Emerson! What did you do?" and then the yelling started. With both girls standing at the foot of my bed in the art disaster, I ranted about colored pencils and paper and marker on my carpet and how this was MY bedroom and they need to pick up their messes. Amelia stood behind Emerson, with her hands on my shoulders as I continued on. I then told them they had one minute to get me their water cups for bed and they both took off running. I was mad. My room hasn't ever really been neat. My room is the dumping ground for everything. I have lots of boxes from my Scentsy business, just in case I need them someday. My room becomes the collection place for lost toys. I have boxes of things to donate to Goodwill, and boxes to donate to friends. And there is a lot of stuff that just has never found a home. And now added to that is the art disaster. I'm not proud of my room, or my house on some days, but I do the best I can. As many of you know, it's tough to work full time, and have two kids. I have lots of help and I'm thankful to all of the people that help us out, but I'm responsible for nighttime routine such as dinner and bath and reading. Then there's laundry and the other regular house chores. My room has double locking doors. I can throw all of the things that I don't want other people seeing and lock the doors and no one would know I'm a few boxes short of gaining auditions for Hoarders. I went and filled the girls' waters and Emerson followed me around with tears in her eyes. "You happy with me, mommy?" "I'm disappointed that you colored on my carpet and I'm sad that you hurt my room. But I still love you." We walked to Amelia's room. She was laying on her bed crying. "What's wrong, Amelia?" "I'm just sad." "Why are you sad?" "I'm the worst daughter in the whole world!" "Why would you say that?" "Because, you're the best mommy in the world. The least I could do is make sure that we take care of your room. I should pick up the things that I use and I should pick up the house better than I do." And then my heart got a little bit sad because this isn't want I wanted to happen. I don't want to shame my children into thinking that the mess is all their fault because it's not! But, I also don't want this to be the message I'm sending. "Amelia, and Emerson, it is NOT ok to write on my carpet. And Emerson, you know this. Emerson, where do we use markers?" "On paper." "Right. On paper. Did you use paper?" "No...sorry, mommy..." "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I yelled." Amelia scrunched up her nose and looked at me. "Mommy, tomorrow I'll pick up your whole room all by myself." "No, you're not going to do that. Amelia...Emerson, this is not what I want for us! I know it's important to pick up our things. We need to try and remember to just put away the things we use when we're done with them. But, you know what? Cleaning is not why I became a mommy. That is not the reason I became a mommy. And yelling is not something that I want to do as a mommy. So, we are going to work together to help each other remember to pick up our things when we are done with them. You know why? Because then there will be more time to do the things we love! I don't want to spend our time together cleaning and picking up. I want to spend our time laughing and reading. I want to draw fairy pictures and decorate our house for Christmas. I want to have time to go make Christmas memories with MomMom and Pa. I want to go to Nana's and laugh and play and have a fun time. I want to dance to music in our kitchen. I want to play and pretend and dress up and have tea parties. And we won't have time for all those things if I'm so worried about picking up the house. We are fine! And we are a family! And I want to do family things. And if we pick up every once in a while, that's a good thing too! But I don't want to yell about it." Amelia smiled and said that she agreed with me. She said she would try and remember to pick up her things, and she would help me slowly pick up things a little at a time. And I vowed to appreciate the fairy drawings on my nightstand because before I know it, they won't be there anymore. Time goes way to fast. And I know there's most likely a happy medium between the house I have now and the OCD house that I would like to have. But until then, I'm going to relax about how it looks and cherish the little moments. I'm going to look at the fairy drawings on the nightstand in a different light and know that there will be time for cleaning and making sure everything is perfect later. Right now, I need to appreciate the crayons on the floor, and the toys placed here and there throughout the house. I love the little handprints on my windows, and the stuffed animals in my bed. The time goes too fast! Just yesterday I was bringing the girls home from the hospital and now I have a three year old and a six year old. The time is going fast and although Emerson still needs to use paper, I need to slow the pace down and cherish the moments. Now, to find out how to get dry erase marker out of my carpet!