The Most Wonderful Time

It's been a while since I've blogged...and not because my kids haven't had some great things to say. Mostly because I'm tired!! And I will not take time away from my kids to blog, so the only time I have is after I put them to bed and my other nightly chores are finished. And there was just no energy left in the day. Not even the 10-15 minutes it takes me to write these blog posts. There just was no more left to give on those night last week. Tonight, I decided to blog, but I came across another problem. Amelia was tired and just wanted to go to bed. I tucked her in, she wished me sweet dreams, and she was out. So, I went to Miss Emerson's room and tucked her in. She is choosing to have campouts on her floor right now, so I crawled across the carpet and sat down next to her. She sighed and leaned her head against me. Earlier in the evening we had walked together to close the chicken pen and check their water to make sure it wasn't frozen again. On our way out to the chickens, she had inquired about the headstone that is in our backyard. After Brian passed away, I purchased a small headstone and placed it in the rose garden behind our house. That way, if the girls wanted a place to "visit" their dad, there would be one there. Emerson saw it and asked what it was. We've had this conversation many times. She's in her questioning state, which I will admit that I wasn't ready for. As a mom, I knew that Amelia would have questions and need answers, and I don't know why I didn't think that Emerson would also have questions. But I didn't prepare myself. She was only 6-months-old when Brian died. She has never known what it's like to have a daddy in our home. But she has questions just the same. So, I answer them when they come up. But there isn't usually much more from her than What is this? and Why did you put it there? And then she tells me she's glad we're just a house of girls. After we went inside, the girls and I decorated our beautiful Christmas tree. We listened to Christmas music and sang together. We hung our stockings, even the ones for Honey Bunny, Sissy the dog, and the cows (Amelia insisted on one for the cows when she was one...our chickens don't have one yet...thank goodness! It was a delightful evening. I love seeing the joy on the girls' faces and watch them dance around the living room, giggling and hugging and singing Christmas songs. My heart was happy and so were theirs! Then, I put Em to bed and questions about Brian started flying at me. I took a deep breath and answered her questions the best I could. Telling her that he died and that he couldn't come back. That it was just us three. That we were fine without a daddy and I know it's sad, but we all do the best we can to move on and move forward. And then she asked me if I was sad he was gone. I told her that I was sad, but that I was so happy that I had her and La and that my life was complete with them. I told Emerson that I love weekeneds like this last weekend. Times when I can be with my kids and my parents. Times when we celebrate traditions like getting our Christmas tree and decorating it. Times to be with family and friends, enjoying good food and laughs and sharing blessings of the season. That I was sad sometimes, but there were so many things to be happy about! She smiled and said, "Yeah...I happy too." I leaned down and kissed her nose and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too and I went to the living room and listened to all the ornaments that didn't quite get put all the way on a branch crash to the carpet. And I had time to reflect. Christmas is a beautiful time! There are lights and parties and Nutcraker recitals. There's gift giving and Santa and Elf on a Shelf. There are tree lightings and warm, cozy houses, and sharing love with friends and family. There are traditions and cookies and cards from others. There is so much to be happy about at this most wonderful time of the year. But, as Emerson asked me if I was sad, it made me look at the other side of this time of year. I feel like grief is part of this time as well. This morning in church, there was a write-up on grief as we've lost many elderly church members lately. One of my Facebook friends posted an article on grief. There are many times that I will be doing something and catch my breath thinking about Brian and what he is missing out on. Watching Amelia dance in her Nutcracker debut, helping Emerson put ornaments on the tree, finding Brian's firefighter ornament, looking at decorations that we bought together. It's been three years since Brian's death. Surely I should be over it. Surely I should be able to go to the tree farm without crying in the middle of the swatch of fir trees. Surely I should be able to plan Christmas presents without thinking about him. But, that's not how grief works. I am thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the blessings that I have. And I'm thankful for how everything has turned out. But, I still catch my breath at times and grief overwhelms me. And I'm not the only one. There are many people that I'm thinking of as I write this. Friends who have lost husbands or wives. Friends who have lost people that are oh so important to them. Grandparents that have passed. People that we love. And for me, it's not just Brian. I would give anything to have my grandparents back at this time of year. The traditions that we used to have with them make me catch my breath even more than the loss of Brian. Knowing how much my grandpa would have enjoyed Emerson, and Amelia too, but especially my little fiesty Emerson. Thinking about how my grandma would have spoiled my kids with the dainty little deep fried stars that she made every Christmas with her friend Cybil, who is also gone. Missing the traditions that we had with them. Getting to celebrate with our relatives. Christmas is a magical time, and I am thrilled that I get to experience every moment through the eyes of my children. And I hope that you all have someone near and dear to you that can help you experience Christmas through the eyes of a child. If not, I invite you to check out my Facebook page, or read my blogs. If I can keep up with them, I will post a little bit about our December adventures. And I will do my absolute best to try and capture their Christmas spirit in words on this page. Because there is nothing like watching Amelia and Emerson race through the house each morning to find Lily, our Elf. Or twirl like ballerinas to Christmas tunes. Or jump up and down in excitement as they share the joy of Santa. Or cradle the baby Jesus from our Nativity and sing "Away in a Manger." And the two little people that I get to share my life with? They are enough to shake away any sadness! I hope you find your something to help you through if you are sad. Because this IS the most wonderful time of the year!!