Stand Up!

This is like the fourth time that I have started the blog post tonight. I am having a hard time because on one hand I have a few topics that I would like to write about. And on the other hand is the hesitation that I have about sharing certain thins on a blog post that is on the internet. I know that I have already shared some very personal stuff with you all that might be frowned upon as too personal by others. And I know that there are many posts that I haven't been 100% forward with my posts because although I have a fan base apparently, and although I'm sure that you all would be interested in some of the off-limits things that bounce around in my head, my main obligation is to my family. And there are just certain things that I don't want to post because they could totally come back around and wreak havoc at some point. So, I choose to not share every detail of our lives. I will always be honest...that's not the question. I just won't always share everything that is on my heart and in my head because some of those things need to stay there. And yet, there is the emotional release that I share when I type the words out. And I think about the positive I could do for others if they only knew certain things. And I think about the stories that I have to tell. But, I quickly go back to this cannot be good to have floating out there in the vast expanse that is the internet. THIS is exactly why I'm having a hard time tonight and why I've had to start this blog post so many times because I'm walking a fine line here and I'm not sure where on that line I want to be standing. So, I'm going to ramble for a while and see where this leads me. This weekend was amazing and impossibly hard all at the same time. Saturday, I was at a football game where the Seahawks won and are one step closer to the Super Bowl. It was a super fun day, and I got to be with some of my most favorite people. The home team won, and it was a fun-filled day! Today, was emotional and draining and hard and...that's all I can say about that before I get to the point where I've said too much. I'm tired. My girls are tired. It was a hard day for us. Do you ever do something that you don't want to do, just because you think it's the right thing. And then, as soon as you're in the midle of that moment, you realize that it's not what is best for you or your family? I found myself in a similar situation this weekend. I had all sorts of advice about how I shouldn't do it. How I needed to think what was best for me. How I needed to think how it would impact my kids. But, I went with my gut and decided to move forward. And then, in the middle of it all, as the events were unfolding, I realized it was all a big mistake and no matter the feelings I have, I need to be stronger and stand up for what I need and what my girls need. The chaos and the fallout and the uncomfortable-ness (Ha! I think I'm just making up words now...I'm super tired!) of it all is just too much for my little family. I need to be momma bear and protect our fragile little lives. It's hard to do sometimes. Sometimes, just doing what you don't want to do is easier than facing the aftermath of pushing back and saying NO! Or is it? I think for me, it's more about not wanting to hurt other peoples' feelings. I don't want there to be discomfort and hard feelings. I don't want to make waves or cause a scene. I don't like hate and discontent. So, if I'm so worried about protecting this in other people, why on earth can't I think this way for myself? It's not ok for me to say no to someone because I don't want them to feel bad, but I can be ok with feeling badly myself the whole time it's going on? What?! How does that make any sense?? How does it make sense that I don't want to hurt other peoples' feelings, but I could sacrifice the way my kids are feeling? Yeah...typing that out I can see that it's just crazy! I shouldn't be sacrificing the way that my daughters feel and the way that I feel to make someone else feel better. As I was tucking Amelia into bed tonight, I hugged her close and told her how proud I was of her. She smiled back at me and told me she was proud too. I turned to walk out of her room and I heard, "Mommy, just one more thing please?" I stopped in her doorway and looked back at her. "Mommy? Remember how I told you that 2013 was our best year EVER? That I loved our year and I loved how much fun we had and I loved that you didn't have seizures for a long time and that we got to do such awesome stuff?" "Yeah...I remember. It was awesome, huh?" "Yeah, it was. But, mommy? I'm worried a little bit." "What are you worried about, La?" "I'm worried that we are making bad choices and that 2014 isn't going to be even better than last year." "Why do you say that, honey? I think we're going so good this year!" "Well, you can drive now, and that's good. And we took Emerson to see her first movie. But, something's just not right. We need to be living for us this year!" I stared at her because I knew what she was referring to and she is right. We do need to be living for us. This is OUR life. This is how me and my girls are fighting for each day to be better than the one before. This is us making decisions for our family, for loving each other. I can't keep worrying about other people. I can't keep doing things that we don't want to do just because I don't want to rock the boat and I want to keep everyone else happy. We have to live for us. I have to make choices that reflect this. So, this is where the blog for tonight has ended up. What are you doing in your life that isn't for you, but for someone else's happiness? Too often, we get wrapped up in this. I think it's human nature for some. But, stop it! You only get one shot at this thing called life! Live it to the fullest for YOU! Not for anyone else. Life is too short to spend it pleasing other people while you take a backseat. I'm done! I've been a people-pleaser my whole life. I have fought and struggled to make everyone around me happy. And I am thinking about my six-year-old in bed telling me to live life! Don't worry about the haters because they are always going to be there. It's not my job to turn them into something that doesn't hate. I can't control their hearts, just as I don't want them controlling mine. It's time for me to be doing what I want to do...because I want to do it. Not because I'm worried someone will be upset. Because I was upset. Amelia was upset. Emerson was upset. No more! 2014 will be our happiest! I can't wait! Join us! Make 2014 your happiest ever! Live life for you! Make choices that make you stronger!

Finding the Balance

We are having an interesting time in our house lately. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm sure there are a combination of factors that are playing into the goings on of our little home. I'm pretty sure that I don't feel well yet so my patience wears a bit thin after working all day. The girls are tired from being back at school after a fun Christmas break. Focus is hard. Attention is not on homeword. We miss our California family. Life in general right now is still working on finding our usual rhythm. Amelia is usually my level-headed one. Emerson is strong-willed and is sometimes sneaky and like to pick on her sister and cause a little bit of trouble. Amelia is the one that I can usually count on to be kind to her sister. She is compliant and follows my directions. She is my little helper. I can tell her to go and do her homework and she sits right down and completes it on her own. But, not lately. She is distracted. She is whiny. She picks on her sister just to get a rise out of her. These things have happened for the past couple days. Bath time has been cut short because she is a bit mean. Story time isn't our usual calm, snuggly time. It's just been...different. Tonight in the tub, for no reason, she scratched Emerson. She just lashed out and scratched her across the chest. I looked at her with my best mom look and asked her what she was doing. "Sorry, Em..." was her reply. Emerson didn't seem too upset by it so we continued playing. Emerson filled her little cup with cold water out of the tap and was drinking it and Amelia hit the bottom of the cup as Emerson was drinking out of it. I again looked at Amelia with even more exasperation. "What are you doing?" "I don't know. I just wanted to." "Well, we need to be done with bath because I'm not going to leave you here so you can keep hurting your sister." And bath ended...and Amelia started to cry. I ignored it for the most part because for the past few days this is what our nighttime routine has eventually led to. Amelia then took off running out of the bathroom to her room. I continued to ignore her. Emerson picked out story for the night and she and I settled into bed and waiting for Amelia. I could hear her crying in her bedroom. "Amelia? Come on! We're going to read now." "I'm not coming!" "What? Yes you are. This is YOUR homework." "No, I'm not. I'm the worst sister in the whole world and I'm embarrassed." "Come on, Amelia." Amelia slowly walked into my bedroom and sat at the foot of my bed on the floor and kept crying. Emerson walked to the foot of the bed and hung over the side. "Come on, La!" Emerson encouraged her sister to join us. "No! I'm not coming up. I don't deserve to be with you guys." "La! I forgive you! I'm OK. I'm not hurt! Come read with us." Slowly, Emerson begged her sissy to come up to the bed and read with us and before long, we were well into Poppy the Piano Fairy. After the story, I got the girls' waters and went to Amelia's room to tuck her in. "Just one more thing, mommy?" "Of course, Amelia." "Mommy, I'm sorry I was mean to Emerson." "It's not ok to hurt your sister, but I'm glad that you two worked it out and we could move on." "I don't think I've moved on. I'm sad for what I did to my sister." "I know...but something that I've learned is you can't keep dwelling on the negative things. You have to make peace with your past so it doesn't ruin the present." "What does that mean?" "Well, what's our most favorite time of the whole day?" "Reading together." "Right. And you were sad and upset from what happened with Emerson. So, instead of being ok and moving on, you were going to continue to cry and be mad and miss story time. Not only were you going to let this one thing mess up bathtime fun, you were going to let it carry into the rest of our nighttime routine." "Oh, I see. It was sure nice of Emerson to forgive me, wasn't it?" "It was very nice! And I'm proud of her for doing that. And I know you were still sad, but it was over and time to be done so it didn't get in the way of the rest of our evening." "Yes, mommy. You're right. I'll try to remember that next time. Oh wait...there won't be a next time." "I'm sure there will be a next time, honey. But we'll work together to remember that it's done and over and time to move on." "I love you, mommy...good night." "Good night, Amelia." And I walked to the living room. Sometimes as a mom, I feel like such a hypocrite! I preach things to my kids that sound so good, like the message I just typed above, but do I practice what I preach? Far from it! I guess part of the preaching to my kids helps with reminders to me that I need to follow suit and do the same. There have been many event that have happened in my life that have gotten me stuck. They happened and I should have let them go, but I didn't. I struggled with a piece of my past and I had a hard time letting go. I had a hard time moving forward. And it messed with my present! And I know that there is some hierarchy to this. There are some events that happen that should never have any time wasted on them. And there are some things that happen that are no doubt going to bog you down for a while. I tend to stew and worry about everything. EVERYTHING!! I have to stew and vent and mull over every tiny little thing. And this is where it gets silly. Because sometimes I am so busy fretting about something from the past that it prevents me from enjoying the present. And it's silly! Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes there are things in life that happen that need your time and attention, but at some point it's time to make peace with the past so that you can live in your present! The other end of this are the things that happened that I didn't deal with at all, and they have come full circle to bite me in the butt. That's not the way either. There is a delicate balance of fretting, and I am not the person that should be giving advice on this at all! Ha! So, don't be reading into this as a manual for fretting. Because I kind of run on the two extremes. Either fret about it non-stop, obsess, lose sleep, spiral up, and add a million different "what ifs" to the worrying scenario. Or, don't think about it at all. Shove it down as far as you can and let it fester until one day it just explodes. But somewhere between those two extremes is the healthy processing of information that needs to happen. Somewhere in there is the correct way to grieve and be sad, or be angry, or deal with things that come up. I've gotten a lot of practice, and I have a lot of learning to do on this topic. But maybe, as I teach my daughter the balance, I'll pick up some good information from myself. It is a delicate balance and I am far from an expert. But, I'm getting stronger every day and I have realized that there is life out there...amazing life! And I can't sit back anymore and let my past mess up my present. Is this a perfect system that I have? Absolutely not! But I'm dealing with things as they come up, and moving forward when I can! And hopefully, I'll be able to help Amelia to do that same.

Bipolar?

Do you ever feel like you might be bipolar? I know that I do all the time. And it is a question that I ask my therapist often, praying that the answer is still, "No, don't be silly. You are NOT bipolar. This is all just the normal ebb and flow of emotions. Especially emotions following the trauma that you have been through." Yikes...I hate that word. Trauma. I know that my family has been through a trauma...or maybe even a mini-series of traumas. I have been told by many people that I should sell my story to someone and make millions off of the amazing chain of events that have happened in our lives. Or, maybe I'll just stick with this blog and my maybe two readers that keep up with it. Ha! OK, back to being bipolar...hmm...maybe I'm ADHD also!! The range of emotions and feelings that I run through at any given time make it seem like I am bipolar. My blog posts are probably amazing evidence of this. Just yesterday, I was posting warm fuzzies regarding my truck and how excited I am to drive. Today was also good and happy. I had a doctor appointment that I may blog about later, but I feel that every day I'm getting closer and closer to answers that will "fix" me. I had some anxiety with a good friend for a few days and that was resolved with the resolution that I was hoping for. Dinner time was the best! I came home, didn't really want to cook, packed the girls into the truck and headed to McDonalds. I drove...to McDonalds...and we sat in the PlayPlace for over an hour and played and laughed and ate and had a marvelous time. I took tons of pictures and we rejoiced that we can do normal activities again! I texted my sister pictures of the girls at McDonalds and just said, "It's amazing the things that you take for granted until they're gone." We got all philosophical and emotional for a bit, and then we started the trek home for homework, bath, and bedtime routine. And that's when things started going downhill. Emerson cried most of the way home because she noticed the three other families at the Play Place that had a mommy and a daddy. She didn't think it was very fair that we didn't have a daddy. And that conversation started. Why did daddy die? How did daddy die? Why can't I bring daddy back? Why do we have to be without a daddy? I think I've blogged before that I wasn't prepared for Emerson to go through this. I don't know why and I feel like stupid mom for not thinking about that, but she is having emotions about this and it's so so hard! It was hard when I did it with Amelia...to a point. Amelia just sort of accepted it and moved on. She frequently talks about how thankful she is to live in a house of girls and how she loves our family of three. But with Emerson, this is different. She has no memory of Brian. Emerson was born in April of 2010. Brian died in October of 2010. She was six months old. She does not remember her father, other than from a few pictures and stories that Amelia tells. And her grief and this whole process feels very different to me than it did with Amelia. And it's hard on mommy too. Amelia is going through a tough time at school. It's not really related to this, but then it's also hard to not think that of course it's related to this. Just as I feel I am bipolar, I'm sure the range of emotions that hit my girls throughout any given day is difficult as well. So, when Amelia has a hard time at school, it makes me question everything that is going on. I know that she's allowed to have tough days, but as a mom of little ones who are growing up short a parent, PLUS having that growth compounded by grief and trauma, I often over analyze everything. Why is Amelia having a hard time? What is going on at school? What is she thinking about? What is she trying to process? What is happening in her little brain? It's exhausting to predict all of that, and sometimes I just can't. It can be a full-time job trying to anticipate the needs of a six year old that has been through what she's been through. So, I was not surprised when she asked to go straight to bed after we were finished with our 30 minutes of reading. She fell asleep almost immediately. I kissed her forehead and moved onto the next room. She was laying down crying softly to herself. "Emmy? What's wrong?" "I'm so sad and I don't know why." "Is it because of daddy? I know you were sad that we don't have a daddy. Is that why you're sad?" "Yes. I want daddy to come back." "I know..." "It's not fair that my friends at school all have daddies." (This is true, by the way. I am the only single parent in her preschool class which is hard on both of us apparently.) "I am so sorry that you don't have a daddy. I wish you did." And then the questions started all over again. Why did daddy die? How did daddy die? Why didn't he stay with us? Why did his heart stop? Didn't he love us anymore? And I lay next to her and answer them the best I can, knowing that I will never be able to make this ok to her. Knowing that anything that I say isn't going to help. But I do the best I can. And I try not to feel bipolar. And I try to stay strong in spite of the sadness and grief and anger that fill my own heart. Death and trauma are not simple things. There is no simple explanation for my little girls. This is true at 3 and 6, but I feel like it will also be true at 23 and 26. Many of the conversations with my therapist revolve around when is it a good time to bring up (insert death, dying, trauma topic here) to my girls? And there is no right or wrong answer. My therapist always tells me "you'll know" and I suppose with divine intervention and incessant prayers I will know. God usually gives me the words to say to my little three year old when she asks "Why did daddy die?" and I have faith that he will continue to give me the words and strength I need at the exact moment I need them. And I've learned it's OK to feel bipolar. It's part of the grief process that we go through. And it sucks. There's no other way to say it. It sucks. It sucks as a wife. It sucks worse as a mom because you experience it on your own level, and then again on a tiny level. But it's important to go through. So, we plunge forward. Pray. Hope. Carry on. And make going through life without a daddy as normal as possible. It's ok to feel bipolar. It's ok to run the whole range of emotions. The trick to noticing growth and healing is observing more peaks than valleys. Knowing that the driving of the truck, and the happy moments and memories we are creating will far outweigh the tears over being a house of all girls. We had a rough patch tonight. But, the girls in this house are tough and we move forward. And we will laugh again because as Amelia points out often, who needs stinky boys anyway?

6 Months...

I always knew that I was going to drive a truck...a shiny, red one! So, when I was finished with grad school and got hired on by CK School District, the first thing I did was buy a shiny, new red truck. I loved her so! I drove her everywhere. Carted my friends around in it everywhere. Cried real giant tears when my friend Tim gave her her first scratch right across the hood...stupid belt buckle. Used her as a get-away car for many stupid pranks. Drove her a few times to the Gorge and back for concerts (It was never as cool as the year we took my mom's mini-van to Warped Tour though). I remember where I was at 100 miles...at 10,000 miles...and in like 40 miles she'll have 100,000 miles. I bought her brand new in 2002 and I loved her to death. So, when life started unravelling and I couldn't stand to have Brian's Kia at the time, my parents hid his car from my sight and I drove my beautiful red truck. I was thankful that we had been a two-car family so that I had that option. I still loved my red truck. And then, gas prices went insane. And being a newly single mom on a budget I no longer saw a beautiful red truck. I saw 13 miles to the gallon, while I had a Kia Spectra tucked away that got 35 miles to the gallon. After many sessions of therapy and many hours of pacing and convincing myself that I could do it, I parked my pretty red truck in our driveway and started driving the Kia to work. It took me a few months of driving it every day, but I eventually only cried to Chico. And then only to the freeway. And then only to the end of the driveway. And eventually the tears stopped altogether. I was never comfortable driving the Kia, but I was very comfortable with the idea that I was saving so much money on gas. And then, I started having seizures. You don't know how much you take for granted until you can't do something anymore. Driving is not something they recommend when you are prone to seizures. I think I've blogged about my seizures before. I had no idea I was having seizures. I thought I was having panic attacks, or mini moments of anxiety. I did not think I was having seizures. But, when my second neurologist recommended I have an EEG and in that first EEG they saw seizure activity, I finally knew that I was having seizures. So they started me on meds and for a while, they got worse. Much of the fall of 2011 is a blur to me. I was being bounced from seizure med to seizure med, trying to get them to stop. Nothing seemed to work. I was out of work for a few months on sick leave while they tried to figure out my seizures. They admitted me to Swedish for a week to do a video EEG to see if they could pinpoint my seizures and of course nothing happened while I was there. So, they diagnosed me with psychogenic seizures...or as I liked to call them, fake seizures. These seizures look like seizures and act like seizures, but they are stress induced and there are not brain changes during the seizures. They are not epileptic. But, there was not 100% certainty that I wasn't also experiencing epileptic seizures also so they kept me on seizure meds and I went on my merry way. I was still having seizures. So, in order to keep me, my children, and society safe, I stopped driving. I cannot say thank you enough to all of the amazing people in our lives that helped out when I needed help. So many of you jumped in and carted my girls and me all over the county and I am so appreciative. I will never be able to repay you all for your generosity and graciousness, but there were so many of you that helped out. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart. So, I was dependent on many people to help us out. In a time when you would more than likely need a car, I was stranded and dependent on so many to get me to work, doctor appointments, my kids to daycare. I researched and found ways to get around driving. I ordered my groceries online and they were delivered to my house. I had amazing friends that would pick up and drop off chicken and rabbit food. And then I would have a streak where things seemed ok, and I would drive, but then would quickly be back to not driving. It was very frustrating for me. A few neurologists later, a couple miracles, and a new seizure drug and I have hit a milestone this week. Six months with no seizures. Washington state law states that you have to be seizure free for six months before you are allowed to drive again. And I was given the all-clear from my new neuro to start driving again as of this week. Our first trip home was yesterday in the Kia from ballet class. The girls were ecstatic and so was I, but today's was even better. I loaded the carseats into my beautiful red truck and off we went to meet a friend for dinner. It was only a ten minute drive to Silverdale, but it was the best drive ever. The girls were beaming. Amelia asked to turn the radio on. Emerson pointed out that she had never ridden in my truck with me before, which is probably true...she wouldn't remember since I stopped driving it when she was a baby. So many good things have happened in our lives. And to quote one of my friends, 2014 is starting out great! As I was tucking Amelia into bed tonight, she wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Mommy, today was so amazing! I'm so proud of you! I'm so proud of us!" I squeezed her back and told her that I was proud of her and I was proud of us too. We have been through so much! She has been through so much. During the time I was having my worst seizures, she was such a trooper, following our protocol that we have put together perfectly and never wavering. She was brave and helpful and always did everything she could to help me out, and help Emerson out if I was having a seizure. Even at four, five, six years old, she stepped in and helped out in a big way. And I'm so proud of her! Even after just experiencing the loss of one parent, she still was able to remain calm for her sister, and get help when we needed it. I owe my life to that girl, in more ways that anyone will ever know. So, we are back! We are cruising around town in my beautiful red truck again. And I have hopes and prayers that we will stay that way for a long time! It's tough not driving and having that piece of independence back is an amazing feeling. Don't believe me? Check out the picture of two little beaming faces I posted on Facebook. As Emerson said on our way to Silverdale, "Mommy, I think this calls for a celebration!" Celebration indeed! A new lease on life! A new sense of independence! A new chance to make memories with my girls! I think we're going to the zoo...no, the park...no, the ocean...no...

Merry Christmas to All...

I love the magic of Christmas! It's amazing! I found a picture on Facebook the other day that rang 1000% true. It said something like, "I used the think that being a kid on Christmas was the best thing ever but it turns out having kids on Christmas is." That statement is definitely true. Watching the excitement in their eyes as presents pile up under the tree. Hearing their little cherub voices singing "Away in a Manger" at our Christmas Even service tonight. Seeing the wonderment in their eyes as they stared at their candles during church tonight, singing Silent Night. Having Amelia pull me over to the Nativity scene at church and being so excited to see the baby Jesus FINALLY in his spot in the manger. Listening to their eager giggling as they snuggled into Amelia's bed together for their Christmas Eve sleepover while waiting for Santa. My heart fills with pride and love, adoration and excitement as I experience Christmas through the eyes of my two baby girls. It is truly amazing and I often find myself closing my eyes, choking back tears, and wishing that the moment would never end. I know time can't stand still, but if I could just will it to slow down...even for a moment. There is no part of these moments that I want to miss. I tucked the girls into bed tonight, after opening one gift, and told them to hurry to sleep so Santa would come. He wrote Amelia and Emerson letters earlier this month and told them that our house would be the first stop. That was amazing motivation for them to get right to sleep! There was no arguing or asking for more ice in their water. There was no telling me they needed to go potty and no asking for more blankets. It was right in and right to sleep. As I was giving out goodnight kisses, Amelia reached up and grabbed my neck. "Just one more thing, Mommy?" "Of course sweetheart!" "Well, is it one year from January to December?" "Yes, pretty much. 2013 ran from January to December and 2014 will do that too." "Well, mommy...I just have to say, that this was our best year EVER" "You're right, Amelia! I think every year just keeps getting better and better, don't you?" "Yup! I think so! And why wouldn't it? We have everything we want! Everything we need! And any year I get to be with you and Emerson is my best year!" My eyes filled with tears and all I could muster was a "I couldn't agree more, Amelia. Time spent with you and Em is my best year too!" "Good night, mommy! Don't stay up too late! Santa won't come, and we're his first stop, you know!" I smiled and said, "Yes, La...I know! Good night!" And then I made my way to the living room. I sat for a few minutes until I heard two little snoring girls in the next room and then I got to work. I ate some lovely cookies and drank some milk. I went outside to the deck and broke up the carrots into little pieces and scattered them. Not something I usually do, but the Santa we visited this year took extra time with my kiddos. He told them to go outside Christmas morning and look for carrot pieces that rolled off the roof while the reindeer ate them. Thanks a lot, Santa! I needed something else to remember...haha! It was kinda magical for even me while I was doing it though. I'm just picturing the girls' faces when they run out to the deck. I tucked Lily back into her Elf on the Shelf box (thanks to Richard's family for reminding me in their Facebook post!!) Then, I stood back at the end and took it all in. The happiness of the girls...the beauty of our lovely Christmas tree...the frost forming on the grass and porch outside...how blessed I am to have a job where I can get presents for all of us...what a glorious time of year! And then, just for a second, the image of my whole, complete family popped into my head. I'm not sure if any of my readers have experienced grief, but it catches you off guard...when you least expect it. And at that moment, it caught me and it knocked the stuffing out of me. It caught my breath, just for a moment, but that moment was enough to let it in. And my heart broke in two. Sharing a private moment with all of you, I spend a lot of my time in anger. My grief is mostly anger. But every once in a while, and for sure on Christmas Eve, what starts off as anger turns into sadness. As I'm running around playing Santa for my girls, every year it catches me off guard. I'm the only one here playing Santa. I'm putting together toys and setting things out just right. I'm going to ballet recitals and Nutcracker practice. I'm baking cookies and putting together teacher gifts. I'm mailing out cards and wrapping presents. And for all the fun I have doing all of those things, and for all the thankfulness I have in my heart that I am doing those things and getting to be a part of all of that, there's also the piece where I miss my partner. I miss my husband. I miss my friend. I miss shopping for the girls together and being so excited over our purchases. I miss slapping his hand as he stole cookies off of the pan. I miss having some sort of lookout while I set stuff out from Santa. I miss my husband. And in the middle of all of the decorations and gifts from Santa, I cry. I grieve. I beg to go back in time, if even for a moment. I get angry at all that he's missing out on. The girls' ballet recitals are another emotional time for me because I get angry that he's gone then too. I get upset that he's missing out on their lives. On our holidays. On our Christmas. And then...the moment passes. The grief subsides. And life goes on. I turn and switch the light off and smile at the stockings hanging and ready. I walk to the girls' room and walk in, pausing to listen to their breathing and smiling as I see they are snuggled close together, waiting for the time to pass before they can wake me up and head to see their new treasures. And the grief is tucked away once again. Because this is the most wonderful time of year! And there is no place for grief. We are happy, and healthy, and blessed more than most! I have a lovely home, two beautiful girls that I get all to myself, a spacious yard to play in. I have family all around, my parents right next door. I have my sis in town for a bit with her little angel babies. I have a church family that I love. I have friends who help out with so many things...watching the girls while I'm at work, driving them to and from school, driving them to ballet practice. I have a school that my kids' love to attend, and I have a school that is a huge part of family for me. I have friends that would do anything for me, and DO do anything for me. I have so much in my life! And I can't complain! So, I let that grief sneak in for a bit, because I deserve that also, but I tuck it away and move forward! Because tomorrow is Christmas! And I get to wake up to Amelia and Emerson! That's all that I have on my list! Is waking up to those two precious little ones and knowing that I'm their momma and I love them with all my being! So, my family sends Christmas blessings to your family! I hope that you close your eyes at the important little moments and will time to slow down, if even for second because time goes too fast and we all needs those moments! Slow down and enjoy them! Grieve for the ones that you have lost and remember them in this time also, but tuck that away and move forward! There are so many more memories to be made! Be glad that you're still here to make those memories, and then go make them! Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night!!

Alexander was Right...

Today's blog post is not an adorable quip from one of my children. My sister is in town (YAY!) and they have played until they are way too tired, so both girls went to bed without saying a word other than, "Goodnight, Mommy..." A big part of my job as a speech therapist is social skills. Working with special education children, many of my students are somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and many of them don't understand social language. The curriculum that I use (which is fabulous and I buy into it whole-heartedly) has whole lessons centered on teaching the children to differentiate between a big problem and a small problem. This is a lesson that you think kids would just pick up, but this is not the case. Many of my children struggle with knowing what is something that warrants a small reaction, and what is something that warrants the huge explosions of behavior that we often see. Today, I'm pretty sure I had a day that warranted a big, huge explosion...luckily, I've worked through my curriculum a few times and know how to calm myself. And, I'm also lucky that I have great friends, coworkers, and dad to help me out of my messes. There is a book that I've read to my children (both my children by blood, and my little struggling social learners) called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. This book is about a little boy who has the worst day ever. From the time he wakes up, until the time that he goes to bed, everything goes wrong. His solution throughout the book is that he needs to move to Australia. After today, I think that solution is perfect! From the time I woke up until the time I crawled into bed, things just kept going wrong. I had to take sick leave today for a doctor's appointment in Seattle. I got there early. The receptionist told me I'd get to go in early, but that didn't happen. The scale said I was heavier...impossible! The growth chart said I shrank an inch...what?! I went into my appointment with high hopes, only to have them dashed away by the end of the appointment. I felt like it was a waste of time...a waste of money...a waste of leave. I got to the ferry at 1:00...perfect! There was a 1:10 Bainbridge or a 1:30 Bremerton. I chose the Bainbridge...wrongly. Traffic was awful! Bumper to bumper going at a turtle's pace across the entire island. On my way off the island, my phone died. Then, I remembered that it was supposed to snow and I had stuff in my office at work for Christmas...and files to send...and my planner! Oh dear...off to school I went. I checked in at the party they were having, waving to my people, watched some gifts being opened, got much needed hugs from my favorite, and finally got in the truck for home. I got home, and ran up to my mom's house to spend time with my sister. Oh...first, I need to plug in my phone. Huh...where IS my phone? I empty my purse onto my mom's counter, including the princess book I bought for the girls from the Elf. It was not in my purse. I started thinking about where it could be...and then I remembered taking it out of my pocket...at work. So, I run down to my truck, praying it's in there. And...of course it isn't. So, I get back in my truck and drive back to Jackson Park, which is about 20 minutes from my house. I go to my office. No. I ask the custodian for the keys to the portable. Not in there either. I walk to my friend's classroom. She still happens to be there. I ask her about my phone. She comes and helps me look. Not in the library. Not in the work room. Not in my mailbox. We walk back to my office and she helps me look in there. Nothing...so, I decide it has to be either in my truck, or I've lost it somewhere between school and home. So, I retrace my steps to the parking lot. Then, I go to my truck to start searching. I take out my flashlight and look all over the passenger side. It's not in the seat, or under the seat. It's not on that side. I stand up, lock the door and close it and walk around to the driver's side. I was somewhere at the back of my truck when I realize...I don't have my keys in my hand. Please let them be in my pocket! They weren't. Luckily, I snuck into the school through the gym to my friend's classroom. I called my parents to ask if they could meet me with a spare key. My dad drives the 20 minutes to Jackson Park with my spare and I drive home. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm phone-less. I'm a mess. I was ready to move to Austrailia for sure! I have a student that whenever something goes wrong, even a small problem, he often will say, "Today is the worst day of my life!" In jest, I said this to my friend after the key incident. It was a horrible day! The worst day of my life? Probably not. In my thinking about the day's events after I tucked the girls into bed, it made me giggle thinking about my day. It was awful, but it was no where near the worst day of my life. That happened a few years ago. And the lesson that I learned from that day? It puts everything into perspective for me. I am an over-exaggerater sometimes. So, like my little friend, I will often say things like "that was the worst day ever!" or "That's the biggest mistake I've ever made." I used to throw those phrases out all the time. And now when I say them? It seems silly. Today was not the worst day of my life. A lot of things happened that made it not so great, but I will survive the day and be ok! Locking my keys in my car isn't the end of the world. Losing my cell phone has actually been a blessing for now. Sure, I'm panicked that I don't have a phone in my house at this moment, but I haven't gone on Facebook, I haven't received texts, I haven't had to check e-mail. It's been kinda nice! So, when you catch yourself thinking that this is the worst day of your entire life, think hard! Is it? Is your problem a big problem, or a small problem? Sure, it might seem big at the time, but when you give it some perspective, it falls off the wayside. It's not a big deal. You can get through it! That's the funny thing about terrible, horrible, no good very bad days. They get you through the days when the drama's not as hightened. They help you see that it's ok to lock your keys in the car. Worse things could happen... If you need me, you'll have to just stop by and visit! LOL! And if you see a white iPhone with my "Every Play I'm Russellin" Seahawks case, let me know! In the meantime, maybe I should check flights to Austrailia.

Triangles, or Circles?

I graduated with a 3.998 from high school, and scored in the 1300s on my SATs. I was on the Dean's List many times in college. I graduated with honors from grad school. I have my Masters degree. I feel like I am sorta smart, most days...and I always had a fear that one day I would be helping my kids with their homework, and I wouldn't understand it. I just didn't realize that that day would come when Emerson was three and in preschool. I'm sort of kidding, but helping her with her homework tonight had me scratching my head a bit...enough that I took a picture of it and send it to my friend to laugh about. The directions at the top of the paper seemed pretty clear to me: Find and color all of the triangles. Pretty straight forward, right? Well, in the opposite corner of the paper it said: Skill: recognizing circles. It made me giggle while I was watching Emerson color all the triangles. The directions did not match the skill that was supposedly being taught. So, we colored all the triangles and giggled at the directions all night. As I was tucking Amelia into bed, she started giggling all over again. "Mommy, can you believe that her paper said to color the triangles and then tried to trick us into thinking she was learning about circles?" "That is pretty funny, isn't it?" "Yeah...kinda like how Satan tries to trick us, isn't it?" I paused and looked at her for a second...long enough that I could see the connection and to give her time to explain what she was thinking. "Tell me more about that sweetheart." "Well, Satan is always trying to trick us into doing something we shouldn't. Like when we should be reading our Bible, but we decide to watch TV instead. Or like when we should be going to church, but we decide we'd rather sleep in. God is trying to get us to learn something, like the triangles, but Satan is telling us we're learning about circles." Holy cow! Where does this kid come up with this stuff? I really wish I had named my blog something different and take credit for the things that she comes up with. But, instead I get to be the momma that brags about her super smart daughter! She is not only super smart and makes amazing connections, but she also has an amazing faith in our God. She knows her faith, and knows how to make the connections from that faith to the things she needs in her daily walk with him. I shook my head at her and told her she was amazing! She grinned at me and said, "I know! God made me that way!" I gave her a kiss, turned the light off, and headed for bed. It was a long day! This little lesson can apply to many areas of our lives. How many times have you thought that the lesson was about triangles, only to find out it was really about circles. The worksheet is sort of a bad example of this, as I think that the skill was really a typo. But, the basic premise of what I'm trying to stretch this into is there. How many times have you started into a life lesson thinking you were getting triangles, only to discover it is really actually about circles. Growing up, I was always going to be a doctor. I was destined for medical school. I worked hard in high school. I shadowed doctors. I volunteered in hospitals and clinics. I was going to medical school. I started my freshman year at the University of Washington with all four years planned out with what I needed to do to apply to medical school. I was studying triangles. And then, something happened that altered the course of my plan. Triangles weren't going to cut it anymore. And I started down my career path of being a speech language pathologist. Many times in life you start off thinking that the direction of your path is going one way, when really the direction is going to veer off and change entirely. And this doesn't just happen one time. It can happen multiple times. Just when I thought life was all figured out and I was headed to medical school, life threw me a curveball and I changed my plan. And then I started down the path to the new plan, got my job, got married, had babies, and the plan changed again. I started off thinking it was all about triangles, when in reality I was gaining skills on circles. The lesson here in all of this? I think there are several...at least that I can come up with. I'm sure Amelia could present us with 100 more. But MY lesson? The one that is most important in my eyes? Find the joy and humor and the part that makes you laugh in these game changers. Dig up the resilience that it takes to press forward and keep going, even when the plan veers. The points in my life where my plan was changed, the parts where I found out that I was going to be learning about circles, not triangles, were life lessons. They were bumps in the road where God was telling me that His path for me was different than where I thought we were going. I wasn't happy about it. And there are still many days where I'm not happy with it. But, I moved on. I did what I needed to do to get through those moments (I'm still doing what I need to do to get through those moments!) and I'm enjoying the lesson on circles that I'm getting. I have learned so much in my lifetime. Even in the last few years! I have learned lessons that I thought I would never have to! I have learned things that I never wanted to! I have learned things that I never thought I would even believe, let alone learn about! And the ride has been amazing! Through all of the struggles and heartache. Through all of the path changing and life-altering moments, I wouldn't change a thing. I gained my two babies. I met people, and became close to people that I may not have ever had the chance to meet. I have gained people in my life that have been crucial to my moving on and moving through. And I am blessed! As frustrating as it was to see that I wasn't learning about triangles after all, I would not change a thing. The lessons that I have learned have built me into who I am today! I CAN be flexible in my thinking. I CAN learn about circles AND triangles. I CAN survive ANYTHING! So, take THAT, common core...