Sunday, January 12, 2014
Stand Up!
This is like the fourth time that I have started the blog post tonight. I am having a hard time because on one hand I have a few topics that I would like to write about. And on the other hand is the hesitation that I have about sharing certain thins on a blog post that is on the internet. I know that I have already shared some very personal stuff with you all that might be frowned upon as too personal by others. And I know that there are many posts that I haven't been 100% forward with my posts because although I have a fan base apparently, and although I'm sure that you all would be interested in some of the off-limits things that bounce around in my head, my main obligation is to my family. And there are just certain things that I don't want to post because they could totally come back around and wreak havoc at some point. So, I choose to not share every detail of our lives. I will always be honest...that's not the question. I just won't always share everything that is on my heart and in my head because some of those things need to stay there.
And yet, there is the emotional release that I share when I type the words out. And I think about the positive I could do for others if they only knew certain things. And I think about the stories that I have to tell. But, I quickly go back to this cannot be good to have floating out there in the vast expanse that is the internet. THIS is exactly why I'm having a hard time tonight and why I've had to start this blog post so many times because I'm walking a fine line here and I'm not sure where on that line I want to be standing. So, I'm going to ramble for a while and see where this leads me.
This weekend was amazing and impossibly hard all at the same time. Saturday, I was at a football game where the Seahawks won and are one step closer to the Super Bowl. It was a super fun day, and I got to be with some of my most favorite people. The home team won, and it was a fun-filled day! Today, was emotional and draining and hard and...that's all I can say about that before I get to the point where I've said too much. I'm tired. My girls are tired. It was a hard day for us.
Do you ever do something that you don't want to do, just because you think it's the right thing. And then, as soon as you're in the midle of that moment, you realize that it's not what is best for you or your family? I found myself in a similar situation this weekend. I had all sorts of advice about how I shouldn't do it. How I needed to think what was best for me. How I needed to think how it would impact my kids. But, I went with my gut and decided to move forward. And then, in the middle of it all, as the events were unfolding, I realized it was all a big mistake and no matter the feelings I have, I need to be stronger and stand up for what I need and what my girls need. The chaos and the fallout and the uncomfortable-ness (Ha! I think I'm just making up words now...I'm super tired!) of it all is just too much for my little family. I need to be momma bear and protect our fragile little lives.
It's hard to do sometimes. Sometimes, just doing what you don't want to do is easier than facing the aftermath of pushing back and saying NO! Or is it? I think for me, it's more about not wanting to hurt other peoples' feelings. I don't want there to be discomfort and hard feelings. I don't want to make waves or cause a scene. I don't like hate and discontent. So, if I'm so worried about protecting this in other people, why on earth can't I think this way for myself? It's not ok for me to say no to someone because I don't want them to feel bad, but I can be ok with feeling badly myself the whole time it's going on? What?! How does that make any sense?? How does it make sense that I don't want to hurt other peoples' feelings, but I could sacrifice the way my kids are feeling? Yeah...typing that out I can see that it's just crazy! I shouldn't be sacrificing the way that my daughters feel and the way that I feel to make someone else feel better.
As I was tucking Amelia into bed tonight, I hugged her close and told her how proud I was of her. She smiled back at me and told me she was proud too. I turned to walk out of her room and I heard, "Mommy, just one more thing please?"
I stopped in her doorway and looked back at her.
"Mommy? Remember how I told you that 2013 was our best year EVER? That I loved our year and I loved how much fun we had and I loved that you didn't have seizures for a long time and that we got to do such awesome stuff?"
"Yeah...I remember. It was awesome, huh?"
"Yeah, it was. But, mommy? I'm worried a little bit."
"What are you worried about, La?"
"I'm worried that we are making bad choices and that 2014 isn't going to be even better than last year."
"Why do you say that, honey? I think we're going so good this year!"
"Well, you can drive now, and that's good. And we took Emerson to see her first movie. But, something's just not right. We need to be living for us this year!"
I stared at her because I knew what she was referring to and she is right. We do need to be living for us. This is OUR life. This is how me and my girls are fighting for each day to be better than the one before. This is us making decisions for our family, for loving each other. I can't keep worrying about other people. I can't keep doing things that we don't want to do just because I don't want to rock the boat and I want to keep everyone else happy. We have to live for us. I have to make choices that reflect this.
So, this is where the blog for tonight has ended up. What are you doing in your life that isn't for you, but for someone else's happiness? Too often, we get wrapped up in this. I think it's human nature for some. But, stop it! You only get one shot at this thing called life! Live it to the fullest for YOU! Not for anyone else. Life is too short to spend it pleasing other people while you take a backseat. I'm done! I've been a people-pleaser my whole life. I have fought and struggled to make everyone around me happy. And I am thinking about my six-year-old in bed telling me to live life! Don't worry about the haters because they are always going to be there. It's not my job to turn them into something that doesn't hate. I can't control their hearts, just as I don't want them controlling mine. It's time for me to be doing what I want to do...because I want to do it. Not because I'm worried someone will be upset. Because I was upset. Amelia was upset. Emerson was upset. No more! 2014 will be our happiest! I can't wait! Join us! Make 2014 your happiest ever! Live life for you! Make choices that make you stronger!
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