Keep Walking

Facebook is sometimes a double-edged sword. Should we look at negatives first? It's a time-sucker. There are some people that tend to post a lot of drama. There are way more ads than there used to be. Did I say it was a time-sucker? But, the positives for me outweigh the negatives. I like it for the distraction that I need at times. I love being able to share things with friends and family. I like keeping up with the 5000 Seahawk pages that I like or belong to. I enjoy seeing recipes or cleaning tips. And I like the motivational or inspirational posters that people share. When things with Brian first started unraveling, one of the first things I did was write out motivational and inspirational quotes on notecards. I hung them all over my house so that they would be reminders throughout my day of things that I needed to focus on. They helped me stay grounded and focused on the task at hand. I'm not saying it was easy. Many times I would find myself in the middle of a panic attack leaning over my kitchen sink reading and re-reading the notecard that was taped to my kitchen window. Did it work always? No. Sometimes the sobbing would start and I would find myself slowly slinking to the kitchen floor in a pudding of grief. But, for the most part, I would get caught up in a moment or in a memory and I would see one of those cards and it would help me focus. It would help me realize what my long-range goals were, or what plans I still needed to make. But when things are in the heat of the moment and you can't have everything all planned out, sometimes you get stuck. Sometimes there is just no way you can deal with everything that is thrown at you, so you get stuck. I got stuck. In some ways I still am stuck. There is so much to deal with, so many things to think about, that thinking about all of it gets too overwhelming. In discussing this with a friend just a couple of days ago, it seems to be human nature. I thought I was weird. I thought that I was different. I thought that I wasn't processing correctly. But, she assures me that it's just part of being human. What's the problem? Sometimes, there are so many things that need to be dealt with, and possibly so many emotions tied to things, that I get overwhelmed. I start to panic and my wheels start to spin, and rather than deal with the things that need to be dealt with, I shut down and don't do any of it. Not the best solution to processing and moving forward. So, I'm trying to make a plan. I'm trying to do the last few things that need to be done in order to fully move on and be done. Well, maybe not done. But, closer! There are a few loose ends that I haven't dealt with, a few things that weren't ever done, that are holding me back and keeping me stuck. So, I made plans to get them done. The first thing? I'm selling my Kia. So, if any of my loyal blog readers know of anyone looking for a great commuter car, let me know! It's a good car, but now that I'm driving my truck and loving that experience, I've realized that it's kind of silly for me to be a two-car family when I only need one car. I'm also getting rid of some other things that are holding me back, and took a huge step towards that this weekend. Life seems...lighter? So, why the mention of Facebook in the beginning of this post? After my plan had started to come into written form and I had an idea of what I wanted, no, what I needed, I saw one of those motivational posters on a friend's Facebook wall. This poster said, "Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own." I realize that this poster has to do with people. Or at least I feel like it does. Walking away from people seems to be the focus of the walking away here. And although there are people that I feel like I need to walk away from to completely bring my strength around, I am more focused right now on walking away from things...stuff...possessions. These things have held me back. These things have kept me from truly moving forward with life. These things have haunted me from inside my closets, in my driveway, in dresser drawers, in boxes on shelves. So many reminders of a time I don't want to be reminded of. And yet, it's been hard to walk away. I would think often of walking away from the things that I have, and I would find excuses. I would think about having a giant bonfire and I would think of a reason why I needed to hang onto those things just a little bit longer. I would pick things up and have them hovering over the lid to the garbage can, and I would quickly walk back to my room and place them in the closet once again. I would have things tucked and hidden away, only to come across them and have the life sucked out of me when I accidentally came across them. So, now I have a plan. And there are some things that I am doing without input from the girls. Some things that I don't want them to know ever existed, let alone that I held onto it all of these years. But there are some things that need to be talked about. Like the car. So, today I casually suggested to Amelia and Emerson that I was going to sell the car. Amelia flipped out! She began to cry and pace the driveway and throw her hands up. She was upset with me. The car was the one decision I had made that was easy for me. We don't need two cars. We don't need that car. I love my truck. I'm a truck girl. I will always be a truck girl. I want to sell the car. She was livid with me. I finally used the "I'm the mom and I get to decide what we do with the car." She stopped talking to me for a while. Tonight, I tucked her into bed and started to walk out of her room when I heard, "Just one more thing, mommy?" I walked back and knelt by her bed. She asked if she could pray. Of course, I agreed. We folded our hands and she started in on some things that were obviously on her mind, and she ended her prayer with, "And please let mommy know that if she wants to sell the car, we will be ok. Amen." I looked up at her and smiled. "Thank you, Amelia..." "You're welcome, mommy. We do love riding in your truck." I am a pack rat, or maybe even a hoarder. I know that it's hard to let go of things. It's hard to walk away from things. But, a friend told me that if there is anything in your life that gives you anxiety, you need to get rid of it. And that's what I need to do. Moving forward with my family and knowing that we are free of clutter and bad feelings is way more important than any emotinal attatchment I might have to things. So, I'm walking away. Not to prove anything to anyone. I know that I'm strong, and I know that walking away will make me even stronger. I also know that I am worth more than the things that I'm holding onto. Moving forward is worth more than the things I'm holding onto. So, I choose to walk away! I'm choosing to walk away! For me, for my girls, for our future! I'm walking away...or at least driving away in my shiny, red truck!