Hakuna Matata

Amelia's favorite movie of all time is Disney's The Lion King. Her obsession with the movie started shortly after Brian died. She asked to watch it and I sat down with her. We cuddled on the couch together and started the movie. As it got closer to the scene where Mufasa is killed by Scar, I started to get anxious. My daughter had just recently lost her father. She was three years old and I wasn't 100% sure that she understood what had happened. That death was permanent. That Brian was not coming home. But we continued to watch the movie together. I pulled her in tightly to me as Scar threw Mufasa off the cliff and into the canyon below. My gaze bore holes into the back of Amelia's head as I watched her blonde little pigtails, trying to figure out what was going through that little brain. What was she thinking? What was she processing? Was she crying? Did I upset her? I held my breath and waited. Without looking back at me, she walked closer to the TV and stared at the screen. I still couldn't determine my next plan of attack. Do I ignore it and hope it goes away? Do I turn the TV off and put something gentler in for her? I continued to hold my breath...waiting for her next move. Without turning to look at me she shouted, "Rewind it!" "What?" "Rewind it! I need to see it again!" I picked up the remote and backed it up. I wasn't sure how far I was going, but when Amelia could see wildebeasts running through the gorge she shouted, "STOP!" I pressed play and let the movie continue. Once again we got to the scene where Scar threw Mufasa off of the cliff. A pained feeling ran through me as I watched my little three-year-old witness the murder of Simba's dad...again. We got to the part where Scar was about to run Simba out of the Pride Land. "Rewind it!" "Again?" "Rewind it!" So, I rewound it...again. And again...and again. We must have watched that scene at least 20 times... Tears began filling my eyes with each rewind as I strived to determine what I should do. Was this healthy? Was this good? Or was this an obsession that I needed to stop now. As a mom, there is no rule book. Nothing is laid out on how you are supposed to raise your kids. There's no guide that is magically delivered when you have a baby. And this is most certainly true when life lessons like death are involved. I spend a lot of time agonizing over the choices that I make with my girls in the day to day stuff. Did I pack them a good enough lunch? Should I let Emerson wear a tank top to school in January? Did I deal with Amelia appropriately when she was mean to her sister? Did I use the right words with Emerson when I was explaining to her why I was upset? These questions are impossible to answer and leave most parents wondering if they are really cut out for the parenting thing. But add to the mix things like this Lion King scene I'm laying out for you? Yikes!! The stakes get a lot higher. The questions I ask myself now? Should I have pictures of Brian around the house? Does Amelia understand that death is permanent? Should I call Amelia's therapist over this? How will I know when the time is right to share things with Amelia regarding Brian's death? It's a tough call and I question myself every day. Every...single...day...the choices I make are agonizing. What if the thing I'm telling Amelia today is something that she needs therapy for when she's 20? What if I hesitate in my decision to share details with her, and then she hears it from someone else? What if...that's the question of the day usually. So, how did The Lion King thing turn out? We watched it 5000 more times in the time since that first viewing. We have collected figurines and stuffed animals. We write stories about the Lion King and we read books. We sing the songs and play with the toys for hours. And, bless my mother, we are going in March to see the Broadway production of The Lion King at the Paramount in Seattle. Occasionally, we interject The Little Mermaid into our movie time. Or Toy Story. Or Barbie movies. But, we always go back to The Lion King. At one point shortly after introducing the Lion King to Amelia, I asked her what she liked about it. "That's easy! Mufasa died." "You like that Mufasa died?" "No, Silly...I like that I'm not the only kid who had a daddy die. Simba understands too." Simba is still her favorite. And The Lion King has been a reassurance for her. She knows she's not alone in her pain of losing her father. And, she has learned Hakuna Matata! She uses that phrase often and she has told me that it makes her feel better because it's important to have "no worries". Tonight as I was reading our bedtime story, we were reading her Children's Bible. One of the stories we read was about John the Baptist. I was reading how he wore clothes made from camel hair and he ate bugs and honey and Amelia interrupted. "What?!" "What..." "What did you just say? Did you say that John the Baptist ate bugs and honey?" "Umm...yes...bugs and honey." "Were they grubs?" "I don't know what kind of bugs they were, sweetheart. I wasn't there. This Bible says bugs and honey." She looked at me, grinned with her big, beautiful dimple, and said, "Well...Hakuna Matata!!" in her funny little voice. And then she and I lost ourselves in a fit of giggles and snorts. I was tucking her into bed, and her one more thing mommy moment came about. "I love you, mommy. Remember the first time I watched the Lion King?" "I do! I was thinking about that since we were laughing about poor John the Baptist eating bugs." She giggled and said, "Me too! Do you remember why I told you that I like the Lion King?" "I do. You told me it was because Simba knew what it was like to have his daddy die." "Well, I guess that's true, but that's not really why I like it." "Oh yeah? Why did you like it?" "Because it gave me hope!" "Hope? How so?" "Well, Simba had a lot of bad happen. His dad died. He thought he did it. The hyenas chased him away and tried to kill him. He almost died in the desert. He had a rough time." "Yes, he did." "Well, I had a rough time for a while too! But, watching The Lion King, I saw that even after all that rough stuff happened, he found some good friends. And he came back home and his mommy still loved him after all that time. And he married Nala and he had a baby and he got to be king. So, just because I had a rough time, I'm going to be king someday." "You can be anything you want, La!" "I'm not REALLY going to be king, mommy. Number one I'm a girl and number two that's just a symbol. I mean I'm going to rule my world. We made it! And we had the best year ever last year! Let's do it again! I have hope!" With tears in my eyes, I grabbed my little, wise girl and squeezed her tight! "I love you SO much, Amelia! You teach my so much everyday and you're right. We are going to rule our world! We are fighters and survivors!! I love you..." "I love you too, mommy!" "Good night Amelia Esther..." "Good night, mommy! Oh, mommy...just one more thing?" "What, La?" "Hakuna Matata!!" "Hakuna Matata..."