Flying Fox Bats

Amelia loves to learn. Her drive to learn is super strong, and I know that I've seen one of those checklists before where they talk about smart kids versus gifted kids, and I'm pretty sure she is gifted. She loves to learn and she loves to find out facts, and she takes a topic and studies it and asks questions and acts things out and writes stories and checks out books and wants to google everything! And she asks and learns and absorbs and researches and fact finds and strives to find out everything she can about a topic. As a speech and language therapist, and an educator in the public school system, this thrills me! I love her thirst for knowledge! I love that she doesn't settle for what she learns in school. I love that she questions things and wants to go above and beyond the topic to find out more information. As a mom? This also thrills me...except for when it's 8:30 at night and it's supposed to be our one more thing mommy moment before she drifts off to sleep and she really needs to google the flying fox bat. The conversation started off innocently enough. "Hey mommy...just one more thing, please?" "OK, Amelia...just one more thing." "Guess what we talked about in Ms. D's class today?" "What?" "Guess! You have two guesses." "Um...math?" "Nope! Well, actually...yes, we did odd and even...but that's not what I'm trying to get you to guess!" "OK...how to ride a bike?" "Mommy, now you're being silly! We talked about bats!" "Like baseball bats?" "Ugh! Mommy! I'm trying to be serious!" "Oh, sorry..." "Did you know there are a whole bunch of different bats? Like fruit bats? And bee bats? And flying fox bats?" When a six-year-old with some k/g misarticulations and r misarticulations says "flying fox bat" it sound suspiciously close to "flying farts bat" which I asked her if that was what she said. Giggling hysterically, "Mommy! Do you seriously think God would make something called a flying farts bat? I said flying FOX bat...like the animal that is in the same family as the dog...like F-O-X...fox..." "Oh, sorry...I guess I don't know my bats very well." "Well, I guess you don't. Guess what my favorite part about bats are?" "What?" "They are nocturnal! I wish we were nocturnal!" "You do!?" "Yes...I think it would be fun to sleep during the day, and play and go to school at night. It would be fun. Actually, nevermind...it wouldn't. That would be terrible. I need dark to sleep...and quiet...and dinner..." Laughing at her and shaking my head, "Good night, Amelia..." "Wait, mommy! I need you to google that!" "No, Amelia! It's 8:30 and you need to be asleep! We took too long doing our reading and now we're late for bed!" "Please, mommy! I want to show you the flying fox bat!" "No, Amelia!" "But, mommy! You have to google it and look at him! Did you know that they have a six foot wingspan?" "No, Amelia...we need...wait, what? The bat has a six-foot wingspan?" She sits up straight and grins at me. "Yup! They can! They're the biggest bats in the world. Wanna see? All you have to do is google it!" She knows me...and she got me. I sat on the edge of her bed with my iPhone and googled "flying fox bat" and sure enough, those suckers are HUGE! It was fascinating to see the bats and how large they were. There were videos of one at a zoo. There was a video of one that was dead and stretched out to show it's wingspan. There was a video of a fight between a flying fox bat and a crow. Very fascinating. And before I know it, Amelia and I are laughing and talking about the bat and how interesting it is. And creepy...they are pretty creepy and I'm very glad that, according to Amelia, they only live in southern Asian countries because I might not like having bats the size of bald eagles in our area. After she sucked me into a few more videos I stand up and tell her it's past time for bed. She smiles at me, tells me I'm the coolest mommy ever and thanks me for letting her teach me about the bats. I laugh and tell her that I'm glad she shared with me. As she snuggles down into her pillow she laughs and says, "Hey, mommy...maybe you should google flying farts bats..." "Goodnight, Amelia!" "Goodnight, mommy...oh, just one more thing! You said they were creepy. I think they are interesting and I don't think that anyone should think they are creepy! I don't think any animal is creepy, you know why? Because God made all of the animals and even the creepy ones have a purpose, right?" "You're right, my smart girl! I love you so much! Now, good night!!" And once again, my daughter shares with me a last minute lesson in life because she is 100% correct! God has a purpose for everything...animal or not, there is a purpose...there is a lesson. There is something interesting or fascinating about everything in life. Even the trials and tribulations that we face! It's hard to notice those purposes as we're right in the middle of those moments, but there is a purpose. When I look back on the last few years, I know that I was stuck in the sorrow and heartache of what was going on in the moment. I wasn't looking for the lesson. I wasn't looking for God's purpose in that moment. I didn't care! I didn't think that He was possibly using this to teach me something, or to bring me something better! I didn't know. All I knew what my heart was broken. My family was reeling. My friends were trying hard to hold everything together for us. But it wasn't working. And then, through all of the bad, came good! There are so many blessings that I have seen as I have worked through this process. And although I'm still learning and weaving my way through life, I know that God has a purpose. God had a reason for bringing those trials into my life. And I may never fully understand them, but I don't have to! All I need to know is that God has a purpose. God has a plan! God has a story written for me and my girls and He knows exactly where we are going and where we are supposed to be. God created us, and He led us to this mess, and He will lead us through the mess and right out the other side. We only need to pause for just a moment and try and find the beauty in the situation. It's there! After everything started unravelling in life, I clung to quotes. The day after everything began, my sister texted me a picture and it said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." and that quote struck me...I knew there was a message there that I would one day appreciate. It didn't come to me right away, but the quote kept finding it's way back to me and I wrote it down everytime I saw it. I knew there was a message there that I would see someday. In the last couple weeks, this quote has come back around to me and reading it this time brought it to a whole new meaning. I had to lose what I lost, and I had to go through what I went through in order to make me into the person that I am today! And I think that's true for all of us! Whether we experience death or loss or ill health or hard times, we are all taking steps (or being led by our heavenly Father) through life with a purpose! And as hard as that path might get, we need to remember that purpose! Even if we don't know the purpose, we have to know that there is indeed a purpose! And it will be revealed to us someday, in His time! He makes everything beautiful! And I can see that so clearly right now. I see our purpose! I see my purpose! And I know that even if life is creepy, like the flying fox bat, that God created it, so that creepiness goes away! So, do me a favor...hang in there! Wait for your purpose because it's there! Be willing to let go, no matter how scary that may seem. Oh, and just one more thing...google the flying fox bat because...seriously...six foot wingspan...

Hello, Housekeeping?

I had a friend tell me once that the cleanliness of your home says a lot about how you are feeling in life. If you are depressed or sad or struggling in life, your house will reflect that. So, if you have a happy outlook on life, then your house should be neat and tidy and organized. I got mad at her for saying that because I didn't agree. I believed that everything was just fine. That life was good and I was happy and everything was fine! But, my house certainly did not reflect that. And if what she was saying was true, then I was a hot mess. I have always been a clean, organized person, almost to a fault. But more often than not in the last few yeara, my house has been a disaster. Toys everywhere, unfolded laundry piled high in the laundry room, dishes in the sink, my room just a few boxes away from qualifying us a prime spot on the TV show Hoarders. And I didn't care. I came up with lots of excuses. The kids like to play. I'd rather be playing with my kids that doing dishes. I don't have time. I'm too tired. No one will notice. And then one of my friends would drop by without warning and I would be humiliated and quickly launch into excuses about why my house was a mess. Oh, please excuse the mess. We are spring cleaning. Or, I was organizing my closet and wanted to wash all of these clothes. Or, the girls are building forts. Or, the dog got into that and I haven't had a chance to pick it up. I was mortified, even when my closest friends would stop by. This wasn't the kind of person I was. I didn't do messes. I didn't do piles. I didn't do dirty. What was wrong with me? And then, I realized that my friend was right. Your house and the way it is kept is a reflection of your happiness. I was not happy. And because I wasn't happy, I would much rather put the girls to bed and lie on the couch and watch TV than to take pride in my house and take pride in my things and do basic chores around the house. In my revelation in the last few weeks, that has changed for me also. I like my house. I didn't like my house for a long time, but I finally like my house. I like that we live here and I like that the girls and I are a family in our home. And you can see the changes in my daily routine. The laundry is done on a weekly basis (and I'm too tired to fold the rest of it right now and I'm actually feeling rather guilty) but a long day of cheering on my Seahawks means that tomorrow night will be folding the rest of the laundry night. My house is picked up, and organized, and the girls also have a vested interest in this. The dishes are washed and put away. My bedroom is starting to be cleared of the boxes and the rest of the mess. I can walk into my closet. The bathrooms are looking better. The girls are keeping their rooms clean. It is amazing the tranformation that my house has gone under the past few weeks...and I feel like it a direct reflction of how we are feeling in our home. And now, today's one more thing mommy moment: Tonight, when I got home from the Seahawks game, I noticed that we didn't pick up the house last night before we went to bed, so there is a lego set in the kitchen and princess toys in the dining room, and popcorn bowls from movie night on the couch and I shared with Amelia that I was worried. "Why are you worried, mommy?" "I've been so proud of how our house looks and all of the chores that we have been doing and we had a super busy weekend, so I'm worried that we'll get sucked back into our old ways of not getting things done and our house will be a disaster again." "No way, mommy! That's not going to happen! I promise!" "Well, I hope it won't, but I know how easy it is to get lazy with chores. Like I'm probably going to bed soon instead of folding laundry. I'm just exhausted!" "Mommy, I promise you that won't happen. You know why? It's called responsibility! And we all have it now! I love our house, and I love how we all feel in our house now. And there is nothing that can stop us!" And she is absolutely right. All three of us are settled in our house. We are all happy and enjoy living in the clean, organized, functional house that we now have. And even my six year old sees that we are happier. And we won't go back to our old ways. So, my heart is happy! My girls' hearts are happy! We are not depressed or stressed or worried about other things, and our house is a direct reflection of that! I am thrilled with where we are right now in life! And I know that we can do anything together! And we have fun doing things together...even if it involves cleaning. Because, as Amelia says, we have responsibility! And I am thankful to God for the blessings He has brought us to give us that responsibility. So, if you are in the neighborhood and would like to visit, come on over! Because my house is just the way we like it, and a beautiful reflection of how we are feeling in our hearts and souls. We would love to have you over...especially if you happened to drop in when things weren't that great! What a difference peace and joy make! All around for me and the girls!

Happy Halloween!!

Tonight was trick or treating night. We started early, hoping to be done early, but it didn't quite turn out that way. In fact, we crashed and were done earlier than I wanted to be, but they girls were just way too tired...and we didn't eat dinner until 7:45. We didn't make it to all of the houses we usually do, which made me sad, but I would have been carrying two sleeping beauties if we didn't cut it short when we did. In fact, they both almost fell asleep in the booth at dinner tonight. It was a fun, amazing night! Do you ever have moments so good, you feel like the world is slowing down, just for a minute, so you can capture the moment in your mind. There were a few moments like that for me tonight. A few snapshots in time where the world stopped spinning just long enough for me to look at my girls and savor the memories: Emerson running to the doorbell. Amelia hiking her dress up like a little lady to climb the stairs in her fancy shoes. Emerson sitting on my lap eating chocolate at one of the stops. Amelia's face when she opened her Princess Toys from her beloved Bruce and Marilyn. Emerson playing fetch with my aunt's dog. There were many moments tonight where my heart surged with love and admiration. Perhaps you all get tired of reading about this, but this year's activities have been so wonderful. I am indeed blessed! Amelia was almost asleep in the truck when we got home so I knew that our one more thing mommy moment was going to be brief as I tucked her into bed. I kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her. I told her how much fun it was trick or treating with her and Emerson and MomMom and Pa tonight. She smiled and said, "I know! It was great! Mommy....I feel like this is the first Halloween of the rest of our lives." I laughed at her adaptation of the common saying. I said good night one more time, turned and walked back to the living room. And then I froze in the hallway and truly thought about what she had said. The first Halloween of the rest of our lives. Six year olds, and in particular the one that lives under my roof, are very perceptive little beings. Or maybe that should just be children in general. They know when things are going well, and they know when they are not. They know when times are hard and they know when times are easy. They can read the emotions and feelings of mommies, and even daddies for those families that have those! They just know when things aren't right. And for the past few years, things haven't been right in our house. Brian's passing. My seizures. Bad dreams. All of the events over the last three years had put a cloud over our house, a weight on all three of us. And just in the last few weeks, that cloud it gone, and the weight is lifted, and Amelia is absolutely correct...today was the first Halloween of the rest of our lives! Even though our routine has been pretty similar since Amelia's first Halloween, this year was indeed different. It was relaxed and fun. We laughed and had a great time, even when Pa almost left Emerson standing in the driveway at one of our stops. I got to experience Halloween this year through the eyes of my children, and it has never been better. To truly see what Halloween is like for my babies and to experience that with them was amazing! To see them running up to the houses and yelling "Trick or Treat!" as the door opened. To look at them in all their beauty in their costumes and think back three years ago to the baby Emerson chicken I carried in my arms. And to think back even further and picture my tiny Hershey's kiss from Amelia's first Halloween. So much has changed. We have all grown! We have all changed! We have all gotten stronger and I am loving experiencing all these firsts together as a whole, healthy, healed family. So, Amelia is absolutely right! This is the first Halloween of the rest of our lives! I loved experiencing today. My heart surges with love and excitement as I think of all the other first days we'll experience together: Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Years...and even just tomorrow.

Playing Dress Up

Today was a big day for my girls. Wednesday at their school is chapel day. And each week, the various grades take turns leading the chapel service. Sometimes they sing songs. Sometimes they put on a skit. Sometimes they read verses. Sometimes, they do all of the above. Today's chapel was led by the first grade, Miss Amelia's class. If you remember, I talked a few days ago about how they were singing "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman" and that Amelia was chosen to do a duet with one of her little friends in the class. Well apparently, Amelia did an amazing job because all day long I got pictures and texts and phone calls telling me what a show-stopper she is! How talented! So cute! She made at least 70% of the staff at her school cry because she was so full of joy and so energetic. We went to school later in the day for a Trunk or Treat and anyone that had seen Amelia sing stopped me to let me know what an amazing little performer she is. Many teared up just talking about her singing and it made me tear up also, for many reasons. As a momma, I always tear up with pride for my girls, but also when I stop and think about my oldest girl, it makes me tear up. She is an amazing, resilient little girl and I know she's a show-stopper, but it makes me happy and proud to know that she is willing to share her talent and charm with others as well. To get up in front of the entire school of 200 plus students, plus teachers and all the first grade parents that were there watching is amazing to me! I am a proud momma to the best little girls ever. Tonight was also exciting for my girls because, as I said earlier, there was a trunk or treat at their school in the parking lot. That was a lot of fun! There were about 25 cars that came out all decked out in decorations. One truck even brought baby pigs from their farm! So cute!! My dad tried to get the girls to ask for a pig in their buckets instead of candy, which I would have gladly done at the moment. They were soooo cute!! But we walked away with just candy, which I'm thankful for now that I'm tucked in my cozy bed and thinking about one more animal on the farm that we don't need! The girls got their costumes on with the whole regalia...shoes, crowns, hair clips, glittery dresses, makeup...they definitely played their parts well. We had a lot of fun for part one of Halloween, and it was a good time for all of us! We came home and did our nightly routine. I was tucking Amelia into bed and I told her how proud I was of her. She asked me, "What for?" and I told her for her successes of the week! She got a tooth pulled yesterday like it was no big thing. She sang in front of a couple hundred kids and adults like she owned the place. She has had a crazy week with breaks in her routine and she is amazing and moving through with all of her awesomeness. Our one more thing mommy moment for the night: "Mommy, I LOVED tonight!" "What did you love most about tonight?" "Well, other than being with my friends and family, I like dressing up!" "You looked so pretty Amelia!" "It's not even the being pretty part. I mean, I was breath-taking! (She's so modest!) But, it's fun to dress up and pretend to be someone else! I liked that for a few hours I didn't have to be Amelia, but I could be Belle! I could close my eyes and imagine talking to Chip. Or dancing with the Beast. Or riding Phillipe. I LOVE that we can just do that!" "You're right, Amelia! It is fun to imagine being someone different...especially princesses!" "I love you, mommy! I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. Good night!" Dressing up and pretending to be someone different! That is an amazing ability that we have. This past summer I had the opportunity to go to a cocktail party with the Seahawks. We got to wear fancy cocktail dresses, and eat a catered dinner on the 75th floor of the Columbia Tower in downtown Seattle. I got to meet, hug, and get my picture taken with Richard Sherman, starting Cornerback for the Seahawks. I got to meet Lawyer Milloy. I got to watch Earl Thomas and Richard Sherman playing Madden together on the Xbox. It was WAY fancier than this farm girl is used to. But it was an amazing night! I got to pretend that I was fancy, if even for one night. And just like Cinderella's clock struck midnight, we had a ferry to catch and the evening was over. And I went back to being just Tammy. But the thing is, it wouldn't be so magical, so special if it was an everyday thing. It was amazing to dress up and pretend to be someone else! The Great Pumpkin's last visit is tonight so as a surprise to the girls, he finished the Halloween decorations that we've been too busy to set out, and left them their final note for October 2013. I came back to go to bed, but I wasn't tired so I started going through my closet a little bit. You know how each room seems to have a catch all? Well, my entire bedroom is the catch all for the house, but my closet definitely takes the brunt of that. So, I've been working on getting it cleaned out a little at a time. As I was shoveling through Seahawks gear and speech therapy cards and manuals and piles of clothes I came across something that sorta took my breath away. Here's a little disclaimer...I'm going to get personal and I'm not really sure that there will be anything inspirational about this, but just a feeling that I'm having that I'm willing to share with you right now...all two of you that are probably still reading...LOL! As I lifted the last of the pile of clothes off of my closet floor, lying in the bottom of the heap was my wedding veil that I wore on the day I married Brian. It was beautiful! White with little pearls sewn all over the bottom. I held it in my hands as I knelt on the floor in my closet and my heart stopped, if only for a minute. How perfect that I would find this tonight, after my conversation with Amelia about dressing up and being someone else. I never know what emotions will come to the surface when I come across things like this so I just knelt on the floor and waited, and then I stood up and went into the bathroom and put it in my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing the veil that I was wearing when I married my husband. And as I looked into the mirror, I realized that I didn't recognize myself in it. I remember putting it on in the dress shop and feeling so beautiful in it! My mother raved about how beautiful the veil was. But tonight, on Halloween Eve, I looked like one of those scary-looking zombie brides. My mascara was a bit smeared...my skin was a bit pale...my eyes were a bit tired...and I was already in my jammies. The veil looked silly. I put the veil on and I was a completely different person than I was when I walked down the aisle over seven years ago. And I'm torn...between wanting to pretend to be that person from seven years ago, and wanting to pretend that I'm the person that I am now. And you know what? As I stood in front of that mirror, staring at the image of me in that veil, I smiled and knew that this wasn't me in the mirror. I didn't want to pretend to be the person I was when I married Brian. Because even in all of the struggle and tears and heartache and uncertainty, I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now. The person I am, sitting on my bed at 12:30 on Halloween morning with two precious little girls, a menagerie of animals, amazing friends and family, and all the other blessings that I have in my life is exactly who God wants me to be, who He NEEDS me to be in his master plan. I smiled at my image, ripped the veil off of my head, and threw it into the pile of things to put in the girls' dress-up bin. Because honestly? That is not me! And I don't want to pretend to be that other person. I am stronger today than ever! I am moving forward and healing my heart and I cannot wait to live the rest of my life knowing that I don't have to imagine I'm someone else. I love being me! Now, if the Seahawks ever want to invite me to something fancy again, well, that's a different story...

Do You Believe in Magic?

Well, we survived our first dental procedure today. Amelia's tooth broke last night and we had the ensuing panic that she would have to have surgery. We called her dentist last night, who told me to call this morning and they would squeeze her in. We went in, and they pulled her tooth with a little help from some bubble gum flavored laughing gas. Amelia did great! She laid in that chair and let them do everything they were supposed to. They wiggled her tooth out. She was so brave! And so funny. I've watched many videos of kids on YouTube being goofy after having procedures and if I wasn't so busy giggling, I might have been one of those moms that videotaped it and posted it for the world to see. Immediately after they started the gas, she started waving her arms around like she was dancing. She was singing and humming and tapping her feet, and waving her arms. It was adorable. I asked her if she was practicing the Nutcracker and she said, "No!" I asked her if she was practicing for her December ballet recital and she said, "No!" I asked her what she was doing and she told me to wait just a minute...she needed to finish her song. As I was watching her dance, and hearing her hum I realized she was singing "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" I giggled at her some more, and then that part of the procedure was over. She said, I was singing Do Your Ears Hang Low...and I was also dancing the Hamster Dance. It made me laugh! Which was good because I was so nervous for my baby girl that if I didn't have that little comic relief, I might have burst into tears for her! It's hard to be a momma and not be able to take away your baby's pain! Ugh! Hated that...so laughing gas helped me to focus as well and not freak out in front of my already nervous daughter. Amelia's big concern was that she didn't take care of her teeth, when in reality, the dentist told us there was nothing she (or we!) could have done to prevent it. Her tooth got an infection in the center of the tooth and it eventually started eating itself from the inside and the tooth eventually died. There was no cavity. There was no decay. It wasn't from lack of brushing. She said she rarely sees it in children and she was perplexed as to why it happened. I began to worry that maybe it was because Amelia doesn't eat dairy, and therefore doesn't get much calcium, but the dentist said that wasn't the reason either. There was nothing we could have done! After the procedure, I wanted to take my baby home, eat ice cream and snuggle on the couch. She wanted to get back to school and get back to work. Mostly, she wanted to get back to school to be with her bestie, which warmed my heart. She said, "Mommy, you know you have your people and you need them...well L***** is my person and I need her right now and I want to be with her." So, I let her go back to school. I stopped by Safeway and dropped off her prescription, picked up two pints of ice cream, and went to her school. We sat and ate ice cream together for lunch, and then, after great insistance from Amelia that she needed to get back to class, I gave her a kiss and my mom delivered her to her classroom. I was a proud momma! She is such a brave little soldier and such a trooper! In fact, when the dentist was done, Amelia told her that she wanted to do that again sometime. The dentist laughed and said, "Amelia, I think you may the only little person who has ever requested to do it again!" So, we giggled again! What a girl! So, tonight I'm tucking her into bed and she looks at me. And our just one more thing mommy moment began: "Mommy, it's going to be a crazy night!" My heart sank because Amelia is very perceptive and I assumed she was thinking that we would have nightmares. I asked her why and she said, "Well, the Great Pumpkin will be here...and the Tooth Fairy will be here. Do you suppose they'll just ride together?" I smiled and told her that she was probably right. Then that lead into a hundred other questions and thoughts, all presented sort of rapid-fire without me getting a word in: Do you think they all live together? Isn't there a movie about that? Does Santa live there too...of course he doesn't. He's at the North Pole. Do you think they just hang out? I think maybe Santa and the Great Pumpkin live together because they are both kind of the same in that they both bring us treats. And then the Tooth Fairy must live with the Easter Bunny because I think that they tooth fairy is pink and blue, and those are kind of Easter Bunny colors too, so they would match and they could live together. Oh great! What about the Elf on the Shelf. He lives with Santa so maybe the Great Pumpkin and Santa are like his mom and dad. But I think Santa and the Great Pumpkin are both boys so I don't know about that. Do they drive? Do they fly? I think the Tooth Fairy flies, but the Great Pumpkin probably just rolls. Do you think they'll both be in our house at the same time? What if they wake me up and then I don't get anything from either one of them! And there were maybe 50 more questions and phrases that I couldn't store to memory, but these were the better ones. I smiled at her and said that I think her ideas were all fabulous and that maybe they were all right, but we would probably never know for sure. She asked me how everything like that works together and I simply looked at her shrugged my shoulders and said, "Magic! You just have to believe that it all works together because of magic!" She smiled, said, "Good answer, mommy. I love ya!" and rolled over. I sat there for a minute, thinking about magic. She sat up in bed and in her exasperated voice said, "Well, what are you waiting for! Get to bed! No one will ever come with you lollygagging around here!" I stood up, told her one more time that I loved her and that I was so proud of her, and heading to the living room. And then the magic begins. Being that both of our magical entities were coming in one night, I needed to remember everything I was supposed to do. So, I dumped the tooth pieces deep into the trash can. Pulled a gold $1.00 coin out of the back of my secret drawer and threw those into the tooth pillow hanging on her door. I cut out the tooth shape paper I try to always remember to use and wrote her a note from the tooth fairy (this will have to stop soon...she's too smart to not notice that it's my handwriting.) I stuck the note inside the tooth pillow and then I started on the Great Pumpkin's chores. I wrote the poem for their treat for the night and stuck it behind the "30" door on the haunted house. I hid their treats where the poem led them to. And then I stood in the middle of the living room thinking...anything I missed? Any step I forgot? Any piece that I needed to do differently to make that magic? And when I decided it was perfection, I turned off the lights and came back to enter my blog post. My heart is content right now. And I know that part of it is the euphoria that I have been experiencing for the last few weeks. The excitement about life and healing and moving on, but part of it is magic! I believe in magic! Even if I'm the one that makes it happen, I believe in Tooth Fairies and Great Pumpkins, and Santa, and the Easter Bunny. I believe that the world is a better place when we can believe in the magic for as long as possible. My sweet sister and I just had this conversation because our children are getting older...and they are so darn smart! They figure things out. Amelia asks questions about how they get into our house, or how they know things about them. Amelia's cousin is older and she is asking her mom the same questions. Kids at school are talking and she is not sure what she believes anymore. And my sister is struggling with what to do with that. How to explain it to her...does she have to explain it to her yet...what would the consequences of not telling her be? And it breaks my heart that my sister is going through that with her children for several reasons: I don't want the magic to be over for my niece and nephew...I don't want the magic to be over for my children...I don't want the magic to be over for me! Nothing makes my heart happier than watching my children wake up in the morning and run to the haunted house to see what the Great Pumpkin had to say. Or waking up and checking the tooth pillow for their dollar and their note. Or racing down the hall Christmas morning to see what Santa brought. And probably mostly for the fact that when they stop believing in the magic, they are grown up! And I'm not ready for them to be grown up. I want them to be my babies forever. I want them to believe in the magic! Forever! I know that this can't happen. I know that they will eventually know who the Tooth Fairy really is, or who brings the Great Pumpkin's treats...but I want to cling to that magic forever. I honestly believe we need magic! We NEED to believe in magic! We need to believe in fun and holidays and traditions! We need these special moments to help slow down life that is flying by at a million miles an hour. Because I know that time slows even if just a little when I am writing a note from a very proud tooth fairy, or leading my little ones on a scavenger hunt from the Great Pumpkin because I am a kid once again. Memories of simpler times flood into my head, and I can see life through the eyes of my children. Knowing that there is magic is so important! Believing in that magic is a must! Because when we stop believing, when we stop taking little moments to make things special, we all grow up! So, I don't know what I would do in my sister's case...I'm not sure I would have any advice for my sister on what to do. And it breaks my heart to think that I will most likely be in her shoes in a few years. But I do know one thing...when that moment comes, I hope that Amelia can look back and see the magic that happened in our house. And even though there wasn't some grand meeting between the Tooth Fairy and the Great Pumpkin on October 30th, 2013 at midnight in our living room, there was magic! And we all need a little magic...

It's OK to Be Afraid

This blog has been the most amazing thing for me. I think that it started a bit before the transformation that has happened in the last week or so, but it has definitely served as a catalyst for some great things. I have gotten good responses to my posts and I love hearing your stories and messages. I am happy that there would be any piece of what I am writing that would be helpful to someone...anyone! I know that life can be a struggle for so many people. I also know when this all happened that my end goal was to find something positive through it all...something that I could take from my story and help someone else! And if right now my blog is the thing that will do that, then I am happy that I am finally heading in the right direction. I was apprehensive about the blog for a while. Some of you may know that I started a blog before and shared intimate details about my weight loss journey and random information. That was hard for me, but it helped me also. Weight has always been an issue for me and I figured if I went public with my struggle, it would snap me into the healthy patterns I was looking for. And when I was blogging, it totaly did! I was eating well and exercising and posting and...then I stopped. I am by nature a fairly private person, believe it or not. There are things that happened in my life that I'm fairly certain many of my readers know about, but I wouldn't dare post on this blog. Some things are better left unsaid, and some family issues are just too sacred to share with others. And that viewpoint may change as my girls get older and things happen and stories are told and the stars align just right. But, in the meantime, I'm more than happy to share the little tidbits of our lives that I have been sharing. Having a six-year-old and blogging off of her stories is a bit difficult. Amelia is wise beyond her years and I can almost always count on her to come up with something to give me for my blog, but then there are nights like tonight. There were no profound conversations. There were no Amelia-isms. There were only tears. You'll remember a few posts ago when I spoke of her infected tooth. Well, we are schedueld for an extraction in November, but while she was eating dinner tonight she heard a pop and part of the tooth broke out. Poor kid! Needless to say, there was only tears and anxiety and worry and calls to the dentist. She eventually cried herself to exhaustion and after reading our nightly fairy book, I tucked her into bed, kissed her goodnight, and listened to her one more time as she proclaimed that she was scared. I told her it was OK to be scared and that we needed to just stay calm and figure things out in the morning. She told me I was the best mommy ever and she rolled over and went to sleep. And just now as I'm typing this, I'm seeing the lesson here. I guess this will be a good blog because you'll be able to see how I come up with this stuff. This is completely off of my head and from my heart. There are no pre-written ideas or lessons, and this is a perfect example. I just finished telling you there was no blog post coming out of our one more thing mommy moment, but I just found it! So, here goes... I think I've messaged before that I go to therapy. After the events of the last few years, I think that therapy is an important part of my life. I hated it at first, but it's grown on me...and grown me! So, today I went to therapy as I do every Monday for the last year or so. I have felt so good, so euphoric for the last week or so that I didn't possibly know what I would have to talk about with her, but I went and thought we could talk about how great everything is going. I have spent the last year or so telling her how awful I feel and how sad I am and how anxious I was that maybe a positive conversation would be refreshing! Maybe I would even graduate from therapy. So, I sat in the chair and started talking about how great life is going. How we are all fine. How I feel euphoric and excited. How I feel like my heart contains so much love and joy that it just might burst. And then, I started talking about how anxious I am that it's not real. That it will all end and I will crash hard. And this brings me to my advice to Amelia. It's OK to be scared! You just can't stay scared. You have to be brave and trust that God has everything under control. Losing a tooth is a scary event, especially with the potential threat of surgery or extraction looming over your head. Losing the love you've learned to have for life is scary also. And having emotions is so important. You need to show sadness. You need to show happiness. You need to show fear! But you need to pray and have faith that God will bring you through those emotions and that you will end up right where you were meant to be. So, my Miss Amelia...even in the simple little lessons there are things to learn. It's OK to be afraid...it's what you do with that fear and where you land in the end that is the important piece. So, I'll let my heart have fear, but I will also know that the happiness that I am feeling is real and important and that all of this emotion will lead me to right where I'm supposed to be...healing, happy, whole!

The Boogeyman

Amelia is apparently singing at chapel on Wednesday with a friend. This friend's mom texted me Friday afternoon and asked if I'd heard our girls were singing a duet together. I was still at work and had not seen Amelia so I had not yet heard the news. So, I got into the car when they picked me up...and I waited...and waited...and finally I couldn't stand it anymore. "Amelia, are you singing in chapel on Wednesday?" "What?! Why would you think that?" "Well because I got a text from your friend's mom saying that you guys were singing together in chapel on Wednesday." "Ohhh...that! Yeah...I'm singing in front of the whole school." "WOW! What are you singing?" "Well, Ms. D asked the class if anyone knew the words to "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman" (a Veggie Tales song) and we were the only two that knew the whole thing by heart, so we get to sing it for the whole school on Wednesday." This was all said like it was no big deal. But, as the weekend wore on, my little mini-me started to get some anxiety about it all. So, she practiced and practiced and sang it in the car and sang it in the shower. She is very good at the song. Her voice is so cute when she sings. And, she knows all of the words by heart. So, I clap for her after every rehearsal and remind her that she's so smart that she knows that whole song and that she's going to do very well. Switching topics slightly, her anxiety is also up a little bit because of many things. The weather...she's terrified that the power is going to go out. It freaks her out when it does. The darker nights...she doesn't like the dark very much, but she is getting worried about the nights getting darker earlier. Halloween...she loves the dress up part, as long as it's princesses and cowboys and nothing scary. But, today we went to Hunter Farms to get our pumpkins. They have a mini haunted house there and we lost our better judgement for a minute and walked in. I took one look at the strobing lights and the fog and decided that I wasn't going to risk having a seizure. And Amelia saw the skeleton in the corner and the bloody head on the floor. I grabbed her hand and turned right around and got out of there. So, needless to say, she has some worries. So, tonight for our one more thing mommy moment, she decided she needed to practice her song one more time. So, she started singing, "When I'm lying in my bed...and the furniture is creaking...I'll just laugh and say, "Hey! Cut that out!" and get back to my sleeping 'cause I know that God's the biggest and He's watching all the while..." "Wait a minute, mommy! Why didn't I think of this? God is always with us. And He is bigger than the boogeyman! He's bigger than anything! So, why on earth am I worried about stuff? I just need to remember this song and I shouldn't be afraid of anything. He's always with me and He will always take care of me. No worries, right?" I smiled at her and kissed the top of her head. "You're right, La...no worries. God is bigger than the boogeyman. And He's bigger than anything that we've ever gone through, and bigger than anything we'll ever go through. So, you're right. We all need to remember those words and stop worrying." Isn't this the truth? That's all we need to remember. I know that many times throughout my life, I have tried to do it on my own. I am tough and independent and think that I know everything and can solve my own problems. But, I can't. I'm just not good enough...not big enough. I know in the moments of chaos when I feel like the entire world is swirling around me and I don't know what to do or where to turn that if I just stop what I'm doing, drop to my knees, and turn it over to Him, that He is bigger than any problem I'm fretting about. I have a dear friend that is constantly trying to remind me of this. Let go and let God...most of the stuff we worry about tends to be stuff we don't have to worry about...talk to God, let Him carry your burdens...why are you trying to do this on your own...she is filled with wisdom and awesome reminders about this, but I'm stubborn and I want to do it on my own. So, I throw up a prayer or two and push forward, trying to do the best I can on my own. And it NEVER works. I think that I got stuck in this pattern for the last three years. I was angry at life and sad and hurt and didn't know where to turn. I tried my best to survive on my own, to figure things out and fix everything on my own. And occasionally I would surrender part of it to God and see what He could work out for me. But, it wouldn't ever last and I would be struggling to tread water once again. And then a few weeks ago, I realized that I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I was missing the part where I surrender all to God and beg him for help, cry out for mercy, ask Him to take my burdens. I spent many nights in fervent, gut-wrenching, tear-filled prayer. Begging Him to take this burden. Asking Him to help me through October. Praising His name for all the blessings that I have in life, and asking Him to erase my pain, take away my heartache, mend my broken soul. And it worked. Like it always does. God is bigger than the boogeyman...He's bigger than your pain or heartache...He's bigger than it all, and He's just waiting for you to fall into His loving arms and surrender to His mercy, to His loving kindness and to ask Him for help. It took me a while to remember just how much my heavenly Father loves me and how much He wants good for me. And now that I've remembered, I'm moving forward, hand in hand with my kids, and in the protective shadow of my God! He is bigger than the boogeyman, and He's watching out for you and me...if only we could always remember that He's there, just waiting for us to come to Him. I thank God for the reminder of a six year old with the voice of an angel. Why didn't I think of this?