Let's focus on the anxiety. I worry about everything! I always have. And I'm sure I've written about it before. I remember being five years old on the top of the diving board at swimming lessons chewing my fingernails off knowing that my turn to jump into the water below was coming next. Or the stress and anxiety I would feel the night before a final or a mid-term in college. Yikes! I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about making the trudge to the chemistry building for midterms. Blah...
I have been doing pretty good with breathing and turning to God for help with my anxiety and things are getting better. But I have one anxiety that I haven't been able to get on top of. Running! So. Much. Anxiety! I'm not sure where it comes from. I've always been heavy, but I used to be muscular and athletic. I was a three sport letter winner for much of my high school years. I was off-side hitter in volleyball. I was a lefty playing basketball for many years. I threw the discus and shot put in track. I played volleyball until my senior year at the University of Washington as part of an intramural team. And then...stress, no time, grad school and soon I just didn't do anything. I'd try every once in a while.
But recently, I have found my drive again. I'm exercising daily and feeling so much better. Except for the anxiety I have about running. I think it has to do with a fear of failure. I'm working through this Couch to 5K app and it tells me when to walk, when to run, how long to walk, how long to run. And each week as I conquer another set of intervals, and move foreword to a longer running time, I panic and freak out. Last week as I increased to week six I saw that I was expected to run for eight minutes...twice. Wait...what?! Eight minutes? I can't do that! That's too long! I'll never be able to do it! (Obviously I'm really good at the positive self-talk that I preach to my kiddos all the time.)
Well, I did it last week. I'm running more than I'm walking, and I've finished enough of the app that I'm halfway to being able to run a 5K. As I was thinking about my anxiety, losing sleep over the number that's on my app for the next morning, I smiled. Each week I'm terrified to wake up and run whatever my app tells me to run! But each week I'm able to do it! I have risen to the challenge each and every week so far. I was panicked when it increased to two minute intervals, never thinking I could run it. I couldn't believe they expected me to run for three minutes solid. Five minutes?? What were they thinking?! And then eight minutes...which I accomplished last week. And cried when I did it.
Over the last few weeks, I have had a connection to eagles. Every lunch at work when I walk, there's an eagle that circles above me the whole time I'm on my walk. As I'm walking I have been reminded by my Heavenly Father of the Bible verse, Isaiah 40:31. "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles," Now there's a comma there, but for some reason every time I would read the verse I would stop there. Smiling that God was sending me an eagle to remind me that He was renewing my strength, both physically and spiritually.
This morning as I was running on the treadmill, already having anxiety about my running for next week, I heard His voice say "Would you please read the rest of that verse? THAT'S the part I wanted you to hear!!" So when I was finished with my workout, I pulled my Bible out of my drawer and read the rest of that verse: "They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."
Ahh! There is the message in my mess. I have been absolutely panicked about my runs. Worried that I could never run for three minutes, five minutes, eight minutes...when all along I have had someone right by my side to help me run the race and not grow weary!! I have succeeded with my runs every week for ten weeks now. Each week adding more distance and more strength and more minutes. Each week getting stronger and faster and closer to my goal. And I will continue to be just fine because of His promises in Isaiah. I will run and not grow weary, as long as I have faith in His plan for me. In His promise for me...
The eagle that circles on my lunchtime walk is my reminder of the beauty of God's creation, but he is also a reminder of God's promise to renew my strength and to keep me from growing weary. Both on the treadmill and in my spiritual race. So, I will wake up with new hope, new belief, new relief in knowing that I'm going to finish my race! I'm going to make it to the next set of intervals, whether those are ten minutes, twelve minutes, even fifteen minutes! Or whether it's God's next step in my spiritual life.
I will continue on the training journey that I have followed so far, both physically and spiritually. And my strength will be renewed each day! Amen!
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