Pieces of Me...

Tonight in my quiet time with Father God, I cried through most of it. This isn't an odd occurrence, as I often cry in my deepest moments with Him. And the conversations that I have had with Him lately have been incredibly powerful. He has been stripping me down to my core and has been walking me step by step through my past. I almost close my eyes and watch Him work, bit by bit, picking out the pieces of my heart and slowly, gently, putting the pieces of my heart back together. Sliding each piece back to where it came from, making it shiny and new. It is hard and it is painful. Reliving the moments that have brought me to my knees. Seeing painful parts of my college years and Brian and difficulties with friends and family and demons and all of the moments that have inflicted so much pain on my heart. But I'm not afraid. And I don't get overwhelmed when I see these things. I know that God is showing me these moments, so I have the opportunity to see Him in each and every moment. As I replay painful episodes of my past where I was lost and in pain and suffering and being treated how no one should ever be treated, I see my Father, standing over me, protecting me, loving me, tears in His eyes, he was with me. And when I flashback to just a few years ago, a time that seems just like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time, He is there. Over my truck as I raced to Sequim to get what would be Brian's final words to me. Standing in between my friend Melody and me, holding us as she scooped me off of the floor from a puddle of tears as I realized he had hurt my baby girl. Walking with me and bringing me the ability to think so clearly in those first few moments, and bringing me back to who He needed me to be for my girls. Standing in the doorway of rooms that were filled with anger and fear and terror. Giving me solace in Him as I navigated through my schooling, trying to figure out how I was ever going to survive. He was there in the corner of my office as I reached for my phone to call for help, knowing I was going to have a seizure and knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't see Him then. I didn't have hope then. I didn't know the plan that was unfolding in my life, and how that plan might impact my family. Or my parents. Or my friends.  Or my girls. Not knowing why we were walking down this path together. Searching for medical answers. Reeling in emotional pain. Lost and alone and hopeless. But now, walking through all those moments again, seeing Him at every turn. Seeing His hand in everything that has happened. Seeing Angels' wings covering me through every step...the light in my shadows. 

The girls and I walked to the castle park a few Saturdays ago. On our way there, we stopped on the side of Fairgrounds Road to look at the something in the ditch. It was a large mirror, broken into a million pieces. And as I was staring into the pieces, I heard my Father's voice. He told me to look closely. To look at the mirror. To look at the little, tiny shards of glass that covered the bottom of the ditch. All I could see was a useless mirror. Seven years of bad luck. Broken shards. I heard Father God's gentle laughter as He said "Look closer! See how the light hits the shards? See how even the tiniest scrap of glass is still functional. It's a mirror. It's job is to reflect. And no matter how broken it is, no matter how small the pieces are, it is still able to do its job. Just like you, my daughter. No matter how broken you are, no matter how worthless you think you are, you are still able to do your job for my kingdom. You are still able to do your job as a mother, as a friend, as my child!" I reached down and picked up a piece of the mirror. I looked into the glass and saw my own eyes, full of light and life that hasn't been there for a long time. I smiled, and dropped the glass back into the ditch, regretting my decision to not keep that shard ever since. A tangible reminder of a lesson from my Heavenly Father. 

What joy I have found! What joy fills my heart! What peace surrounds me, even as the world is crashing down all around me! For years, many many years, I have merely been surviving, walking through each day with my only goal to make it to the night where I could rest and be alone, only to then have it be my goal to survive the terror and loneliness of the night and see the light of morning. Praying once again that God would end my life. Not seeing my purpose or why He was keeping me here on this earth. What was my purpose here? Why was He leaving me here to suffer? He wasn't...He was guiding me to the point in life where He wanted me. He was choreographing my life's dance to the beautiful music that He conducted just for me. He was lining everything up just perfectly according to His plan. I am blessed that He stuck with His plan and not my plan. 

The horrible things that have happened in my life? I know exactly why they happened. He was there. He was with me in college, and with my family through the Brian mess, and with me when I was in despair.  In these visions that God is walking me through a light switch flipped on. A light switch that said that I have survived the unspeakable. I have held my faith together the best I could over the years and that I am finally seeing His reward for me. His presence in my life is my reward. Knowing that I am going to walk hand in hand with Him from this point forward and one day I will be in His heavenly kingdom! I'm never too broken for that! He is picking up my shards and putting me back together, one tiny piece at a time. And as He works on me, I work on me too. In prayer. In talks with Him. In reading my Bible. In pressing into Him deeper and deeper. I work on me, learning to simply be one with Him. To do His will for my life. To give myself and my girls a bright future, filled with love and joy and peace! No more broken shards! Only pieces of ourselves that give glory and honor to Him! Only pieces that do their job, reflect His love and grace and peace onto others. No more broken shards!