There's Too Much Damage...

I was watching Grey's Anatomy. There was a case of a young woman who had been impaled by a pole. They were trying to determine if they could save her. With all of their tests, it was decided that there was just too much damage. The doctors were not going to be able to save her. There was nothing they could do. The pole had torn through her flesh, ripped through organs, shredded her aorta, and severed her spine leaving a gaping wounded hole. There was just too much damage. 

Metal poles aren't the only thing that can cause that much damage. And physical injuries aren't the only damage that can be done. As I went for my run today, I began thinking about that episode. How distraught the doctors were at having to choose life or death for her. How brave she tried to be as they explained to her that even though she felt ok right now, she was going to be dead in just a few minutes. How she whispered last words to her loved one into the doctor's ear as they prepared to end her life. It's not just physical pain that can take its toll. 

Soul wounds. This is what my therapist calls them. I have soul wounds. My damage isn't visible. You can't see severed blood vessels or bruises or tears or blood. But I feel those things on the inner core of my being. I feel my wounds. The pain is just as real as having a pole shoved through my chest. Some days it even feels the same. Searing, blinding, gut-wrenching pain. Soul wounds. We all have them.

So, when do we know that there's just too much damage?  When do we know that there's just nothing anyone can do? How do we get to a point where we realize that we've done the best we could and there's nothing more that can be done? We just have to let go. These are questions I ask myself often. I go to therapy. I'm working on healing my soul wounds. I go and talk through things and work for inner healing and fight with all that I have to feel ok. But when do we throw in the towel and call time of death? When is enough enough?

Every person on this earth is going through something. All of us have our demons. Suicide. Abuse. Assault. Rape. Death of a child. Addiction. Legal troubles. Death of a parent. Gambling. Stealing. Lying. Cheating. The more I walk this earth and talk to people the more I realize that no one is immune from trauma. We are all walking around with soul wounds. With trauma. With pain and deep seeded injuries that keep us from having peace. 

As I sit in my sessions and work toward healing, there are horrible awful things that come to the forefront of my thinking. Things that I remember. Things I don't want to remember. Secrets I've stored up in my heart that I want to remain buried. Tears and anger and grief and rage. And the fight is exhausting. And my friends tell me that it'll be worth it to get to "the end" and be able to have peace. I want so badly to believe them. To know that the day of peace and complete healing of my soul wounds is just around the corner if I only just keep applying pressure. Keep the wounds from bursting open and flooding my soul. But...I just can't help think...what if the damage is just too much? What if there is no saving me from myself?

And then I hear a soft voice in the back of my head..."You can't save yourself...but I can save you." And I know that my Heavenly Father is here, within me, beside me, surrounding me with his love and glory. I know that He is the master surgeon and every day he is stitching my soul wounds back together, making me whole once again. He's taking the grief and pain and anger and working on me, a piece at a time. He's taking heroic measures to ensure that I am protected from the evil one and that I am walking through the darkness with my hand in His, knowing the beautiful peace and light that awaits on the other side of this ugly blackness. 

A lot of us are damaged. We are hemorrhaging and in shock and in danger of being far too damaged. And I'm sure that, like me, you wonder if it's time to stop fighting for life and call the code. But don't! Fight! Don't give up on you! Try everything you know to try. Ask for help from your friends and family. Work hard to find your inner healing. Stop the damage from your soul wounds from spreading into other parts of your life, and into other parts of your family. Our Father is a very skillful physician. He won't ever give up on you!  Don't ever give up on you! And I won't give up on me either...