But twenty minutes can seem to go on and on forever. Like on Monday and this morning when I had to increase my run to twenty solid minutes with no breaks in between. Those twenty minutes seemed daunting. Like they were to go on forever. Like they were never going to end. Like I might just die a sad and lonely death right there on the treadmill.
I spoke before how I use prayer to get me through my runs. I visualize my Heavenly Father standing beside me on the treadmill, or I can see His feet running with me when I look down at my own feet. And this has been reassuring to me and has gotten me through. But I feel like twenty minutes of running has definitely upped the ante a bit. That's a loooooong time. With not much oxygen. Going into the twenty minute run, I needed a slightly different strategy. I needed something that was going to sustain me for twenty whole minutes.
I had noticed that although my anxiety was lessened over the last few weeks, running still would stress me out. I still would slightly panic the second my app commanded "begin your twenty minute run now." I would panic slightly and lose my focus and start feeling like I wasn't running in a rhythm but spiraling out of control.
Not only does my app have verbal commands, it also has a clock that ticks the seconds down for my run. Just seeing the 20:00 blaring on my phone screen was scary. And it was completely defeating thinking I had run forever to then look down and see 17:32 on my phone screen. What?! More panic. More fear. Anxiety. I needed to come up with a different strategy.
When I walk, or run, I listen to praise music. It's not only good to walk or run to, it calms my anxiety, focuses my brain, relaxes me and gets me re-energized for the time after my workouts. After so many episodes of walking and running since January 1st, I have many of the songs memorized. In the moments that I'm not out of breath, or the instances when I come to a line in a song that is powerful for me, I might sing it out loud. The morning I woke up to run my first twenty minutes, it dawned on me how I was going to survive. I couldn't focus on the time. I needed to just run. Run and not see how many minutes I had done, or how many minutes I had left. I was going to focus on the songs!
I started my run and a song was on. I focused on the tune. I focused on the words. I focused on the rhythm. And I gave myself the condition that I could still look at the time, but only when a song was over. It worked. Four and a half songs later, my app was telling me "cool down by walking for five minutes." It was amazing! I had done it and I didn't panic once. Twenty whole minutes seem to tick by fairly quickly. I was so proud of myself!
My spiritual walk is very similar to this. There is sometimes so much going on, so many demons attacking, so much chaos swirling around me that I panic and worry and fill with anxiety. I don't know how I'm going to survive. I feel as if I can't breathe and I'm going to suffocate under the weight of evil. My fight or flight kicks in and I lose focus on the journey. I lose focus on taking one step in front of the other.
In those exact moments I've needed a different strategy. I've needed another idea of how I was going to stay focused and continue on through the mess. And my strategy is similar. Focus on the music. Focus on the praise songs that deliver a message directly to my ears. Focus on the scripture. Focus on the verses that have carried me through the difficult times in my life. Psalm 23. Psalm 91. John 3:16. Isaiah 40:31. Ephesians 6:10-18. Focus on the words. Focus on the meaning behind them. And before I know it, time has passed, the evil is gone, my fears and anxieties have been calmed, and I am ready to continue my walk with Him.
Twenty minutes. I never thought in my life that I would be running for twenty minutes without stopping. I also never thought my spiritual journey would lead me to fighting demons and donning the armor of God to head into battle. So many positive changes are happening. So many good things are helping my family and me to move forward. Focusing on the right things to help me through is a good start. And I look forward to my Heavenly Father showing me what else I am capable of, and what other strategies I can use to survive to the next moment...no matter how long that might take. Blink of an eye, or dragging on forever. Perspective is a funny thing. And I will be doing my best to align my perspective with His. Amen!
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