Had I Known How to Save a Life...

I've always loved to write. When I was younger I wrote all the time. Stories. Essays. I wrote out my dreams and nightmares. I would write out things I needed to hash over. I would write for school. I would write for fun. I wrote essays for competitions and won. I loved to write. I still do!

I never wrote drafts. I maybe sorta drove my teachers crazy. They wanted first drafts and rough drafts. They wanted editing and proofreading. They wanted me to partner up and have a friend read my drafts. I wanted to wait the night before the deadline, write or type it up, and be done with it. 

My blog posts are pretty similar in fashion. I get ideas and inspiration from many places. My girls. My friends. My faith. God plants seeds into my brain about what I should cover. I usually have several potential topics in my head at any given time. I mull it over for a little bit and think on it while I'm running or walking or praying or soaking in the tub. And then suddenly I get the message I'm supposed to write.  On this topic or that topic. Right now. So I write. I sit down and take fifteen minutes or so and I type it out. And then I'm done with it. 

Tonight I got the message that I was supposed to write. And when I started typing into my blogging app, this was certainly not the topic I had intended to write on. But this is where it led. 

Regrets. I have them. Sure I do! I regret not coming home sooner the day that my grandfather died. I will forever be haunted by my mother's phone call on the bus riding through Seattle telling me that he was gone. Had I only known he was leaving this earth, I might have thought of something more clever to say as my last words to him than "Zesty!" It was an inside joke between him and me and does mean a lot to me, but seriously. I probably would have picked something more poignant to share with him. He was so important to me and I miss him with every fiber of my being. 

I never thought I'd have a bigger regret than missing out on being home for my grandfather's passing. But I got another opportunity to regret just nine years later. My husband killed himself. After a tumultuous eighteen days filled with rejection and arrest warrants and court and lawyers and pain and separation, he decided to end his own life. And again, regret reared its ugly head. Why didn't he come to me, his wife? Why didn't I see what was happening? Why didn't I stop him? Why did I ask him to leave my home? Why? 

The Fray is a band that has a song called "How to Save a Life." For a while I was obsessed with that song. Not just because it's a featured song on Grey's Anatomy. But because of the lyrics. "Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life." Just typing that up brings a flood of tears to my eyes. I stayed up with him all night...the night he confessed to me his wrongdoings. I didn't know how to save him. I didn't want to save him. I was hurt and angry and disgusted and torn to pieces. I was sick and watched pieces of our lives, our dreams flash before me in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. I cried and yelled and dropped to my knees and asked why. And then I told him we were done. And told him to leave my house. I stayed up all night with him that night. But I couldn't save him. Had I known how to save a life...

Eighteen days later...he was gone. There was no phone call from him. No cry for help. No indication of what he was going to do. When I flash back to the day I find that I scour my brain, searching for something, anything that would have pointed me in that direction. And, as his wife, I am filled with regrets. Why didn't he trust me enough to call me? Why didn't he include me in that part? Why didn't he reach out to me, the person he supposedly loved? I would have stayed up with him all night...had I known how to save a life...

So fast-forward five and a half years to today. Regrets are the worst. Living with the whys and what ifs of suicide is also the worst. I didn't know he needed saving until it was too late. I know there was nothing I could have done...maybe. There's still regret there obviously because I can't even make that statement with certainty. Maybe...

But, there is someone that I can stay up with. There is a life I can save. My own. I spent so many years of my life, of my little girls' lives, in regret and pain and heartache and confusion, that the lyrics of the song finally come together. Pray to God he hears you...pray to God I hear myself. I already have regrets from those two events. And I'm sure that there is regret in the aftermath of what Brian did, including regret from reeling and not knowing how to truly live life for so long. But I've stayed up many nights talking and thinking and praying and planning what to do. In the conclusion of those nights, I finally woke up! I finally realized how to save a life. My life...

So I walk each day now with a purpose. I pray to my Heavenly Father that He will be with me always and will continue to carry me on this journey. I've turned things around and I'm healthier than I've been for a long time. I read my Bible and I pray. I take time for myself and I take time with my girls. I am bonded closer than I've even been with my friends and family. I see the blessings in the journey that I've been on, even the regrets. I know that God has a purpose for me. I know that my journey is simply His plan coming to fruition. My mess is his message for others. Maybe my purpose is to write. To help someone else that may be going through a hard time. To stop someone from ending their lives. To bring people closer to God. 

Or maybe my purpose in all of this is to continue saving a life...my life! Because I truly have saved my life in more ways than one. I have remembered what it's like to truly life! To start each day knowing that I am a beautiful daughter of the King and that there is a purpose for each step that I take. 

I would stay up all night with anyone, especially those that I love. And I'm learning that I am on that list of people that I love. So much to live for! So much to function for! What joy and peace there is in knowing that my journey is only beginning!

I would have saved Brian if I could have. I never imagined this is how that would end. This journey did end up saving a life...my own! And that in turn is saving my daughters too! My lessons will become their lessons and we have learned and will learn to navigate this life together. 

I am thankful for the lessons I've learned and I'm thankful for the opportunity to figure out how to live life to the fullest. I will always live with my whys and what ifs I think. I miss my husband...and the dream of the life we would have...

Had I known how to save a life...