There is a WeightWatchers community on Facebook. They post things, and I typically do not post responses. But they recently had a post on weight loss asking how far we had come in our journey. I don't like bragging about weight loss typically. I have family and a few close friends that I share my successes and failures with but other than that I'm pretty private. (other than this blog where I can pretend that no one will read it). Years of failure have made it difficult to want to share things about my journey. Even with my current success, in the back of my head, I'm waiting to blow it. I'm waiting for the day that I throw in the towel and gain it all back and then some. I've lost 100 pounds before on WeightWatchers. Who's to say I won't do that again and then end up just as fat as I was before I started?
But, I digress...I wanted to share my journey and my success and what better way than to post it to people I don't know in a sea of hundreds of posts. It was like I was being nice and brave but not really. So I commented on the WeightWatchers post. And apparently attracted a troll in the process. In case you aren't aware, a troll is someone who has the main job of saying contradictory, mean, cruel comments on Facebook posts usually just to make someone feel badly. Yeah, this is a thing. And my comment hooked a troll.
This troll wanted to know who I thought I was. Looking for praise for losing weight when it was my fault I got fat in the first place. Why did I deserve praise for letting myself go? Why was I any more special than someone who took care of themselves from the beginning and was always skinny. The insults went on and on. He put a lot of thought into his comment. And being the insecure person that I tend to be, it got me thinking.
He's right. Why do I deserve praise for ruining my health and my body in the first place and then working hard to be healthy? He equated me to a drug addict who was in recovery. They didn't deserve any more praise or support than I did. I got myself into this mess, I certainly didn't need support or kind words to help me through my mess.
The comments, even coming from a complete stranger, stung. But I could see that he was right. Why did I think I deserved accolades? Why should anyone be proud of me in this moment where all I could really say is "Yeah! I'm less fat today than I was yesterday." I did this to myself. Years of overeating with no exercise brought me to a point almost fifteen years ago where I weighed 361 pounds. When I first started working for the school district, that's what I tipped the scale at. I was humiliated. And that was the first time I lost over one hundred pounds. But I didn't keep it off. I didn't gain it all back, but gained enough that I saw the 300s again.
I wanted to wallow in pity at his comments. I wanted to get angry and lay out all of my excuses for not losing weight. Thyroid problems. Losing my grandparents. Stress. PTSD. Anxiety. Flashbacks. The death of my husband. Raising kids. Single mom. Stressful job. I wanted to be angry and ask him back who he thought he was. But instead? I prayed and I asked Father God what He would want me to do in this situation.
Instead of showing anger to this man, instead of letting him drive me to an evening with McDonalds and chocolate chip cookies, I prayed. And I gave it time. And I went for a run. I let myself feel every step of my run, my muscles working, sweat dripping down my face and mixing with tears. And I formulated an answer for him:
"You asked me who I think I am. I think I am a sinner. I think I am an imperfect person doing my very best to navigate this world. I am a mother and a widow. I am an obese human being. But I know for a fact that I am the daughter of a King who loves me and treasures me no matter what the number on the scale says. I am not looking for praise or support or pity. I take responsibility for my actions and I am working with my Heavenly Father to walk on the correct path to take care of myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I don't need your approval, because I am loved by my Father God." and then I turned off notifications for that post and left it alone.
I know that I got myself into this mess. But as I've written before, I am always looking for the message in my mess. And this message is something I'm working on. I am just as my Father wants me to be. I'm not perfect. He knows that going in to each moment. But He still loves me with a love that is amazing! He loves everything about me. Whether I'm 361 or at my goal weight. My confirmation verse that was given to me all those years ago was John 3:16. It was chosen specifically for me. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..." That's a whole lot of love! It doesn't say He loves me only when I weigh less than 200 pounds. It doesn't say that He loves me only when I'm able to run two miles. There are NO conditions attached to His love. He loves me. And He is proud of the things I am doing to take care of myself. He sees my struggles and carries me in His arms, granting me peace and rest whenever I need it. He sees the hurt in my heart from years of turmoil and grief and He wants nothing more than to see me whole again. He sees the pain in my heart from comments such as the ones I received on my post and He wants to heal those hurts too.
When I am feeling down about myself, when I cannot possibly see my worth, He is there cheering me on, whispering my name, reminding me that I am His princess...the daughter of a King! This world tries very hard to tear people down and when you get sucked into the worldly side of this life, it's easy to feel discouraged and terrible about yourself. But don't get sucked into that thinking. Remember that you are the sons and daughters of a King who loves you so very much, unconditionally.
So I continue the struggle. I watch what I eat and follow my eating and exercise plan. And by the grace of God, I will continue on my journey to health and weight loss. Because even though I know that God loves me for me no matter what, I need to learn how to love me for me also. And that's what the most important part of this journey is - finding who I am behind all of the fat and pain and shame and finally learning to live the life I am supposed to. So I will plan out my meals, and run my runs, and stop occasionally to straighten my crown and remember the One who loves me more than anyone else. My Heavenly Father!
For God so loved ME...
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