That's What I Had in Mind...

This morning I rolled over when my alarm went off, turned it off, and grabbed my phone like I do every morning. I logged into Facebook and started scrolling through my newsfeed. And there were several pictures from various groups I belong to. Today is National Widow's Day. Seriously? Not quite as exciting as National Ice Cream Day. Or National Cinnamon Roll Day. I read through the posts people posted and maybe started to have difficulty breathing a little bit. Although my circumstances don't really impact me the way they used to, to pretend I don't have any reaction would be a lie. 

It still seems unbelievable that I am a widow. What a terrible word! It conjures up images of black dresses and veils. Or gross ugly spiders. I still look young enough that I still get shocked expressions when people ask me my marital status. I used to whisper it quietly, hoping they'd just let it go. Now I just say it. I am a widow!

Whenever I hear the term I am immediately taken back to my wedding day. The day I publicly declared my love for Brian. The day we exchanged vows and rings in front of our family and friends. The day we danced to our song together for the first time as husband and wife. Our song was "When I Said I Do" by Clint Black. I loved the words of the song:

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

The lyrics today don't mean the same thing that they did on our wedding day. That day was filled with love and joy and anticipation. We were going to find out how forever feels. We were going to have the good times and the bad and live forever together, just loving each other. Back then we had the world at our feet and we were going to conquer anything. 

Today, on National Widow Day, the feelings aren't quite the same. We didn't even make it to our fifth anniversary. He killed himself and left me alone to raise our two little girls. He hit bad times and chose to exit this world, this life, our marriage. When I said "I do" I thought it would be forever. I thought I was well on my way to reaching my grandparent's anniversary milestone of 67 years. I never imagined what was just around the corner. It wasn't at all what I had in mind. I didn't picture what those years could possibly look like.

This life is not what I had in mind. At all. My Cinderella fantasy shattered into a million pieces. My glass slipper fractured. My ball gown torn to shreds. 

But, on this National Widow Day, I am reflecting and I am thankful that life didn't happen the way I had in mind. God had a different plan for me, for my girls. The journey that I have been on in the last five years has been life-changing. Completely altering for me and my girls. Life is rich and filled with blessings. There is a quote that I leaned heavily on for the last six years. It says "You must be willing to let go of the life you had planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for you." Truth! Life has numerous twists and turns. Sometimes it feels like your path has been snapped off of the face of the earth completely. 

Life is not at all what I had in mind. It's so much more! Life is wonderful! The girls and I are navigating this new life as a family of three, blessed with an amazing and loving God who is holding our hands and dragging us down this new path He has for us. We have grown as people, grown in love, grown in our faith journey. Not at all what I had in mind. But then I am reminded again and again that it is His plan, His journey. Not mine! Not ours!

So I give the controls over to the one who knows what He is doing. Because it's not what I had in mind. It's what HE has in mind. For HIS plans don't even compare to anything I might want out of life!

So, on this National Widow's Day, I rejoice that I have had the opportunity to be a widow. To help myself, to help my girls, to help others along their journey. And I ask you to reach out to your friends that are widows today. Give them hugs, hold their hand, let them cry. Let them talk about how this is not what they had in mind. But remind them that our Heavenly Father has something in mind. Something that they could never fathom! His love is good! His mercy is good. You just have to have faith that the Master knows exactly what He's doing.

It wasn't what I had in mind. But living in my Father's love? That's exactly what I have in mind for the rest of my journey.