I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life...

I am a fairly insecure person. Most people probably wouldn't guess that about me. In fact, if I had a nickel every time someone said, "How are you so confident always?" I usually stare blankly back at them for a while and then try to stifle laughter as the words sink into my brain. I am not confident, but I certainly am one of those "fake it 'til you make it" types. I volunteer for leadership positions. I've been the speech department chair five years and on the management committee for all but three years of my fifteen-year career. I offer to teach classes to my school staff and give trainings to the speech department on issues in Autism, which is my area expertise. These positions I get myself into are utterly nerve-wracking. My stomach gets upset, I dread the day I have to talk in front of a group, and sometimes I seriously consider just calling into work sick on the days I have to lead a discussion or a meeting. Everyone usually tells me what a great job I have done when it's all over, but I never exactly know how I survived. 

There is a lot that I don't like about me. And I tend to focus on those perceived downfalls. I automatically assume that someone is judging me with something. My weight. My looks. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty. I look goofy. There are a million tapes playing in my head based on what I am going through in that particular moment. These tapes lead me to have anxiety and panic when I'm in a social situation. I can usually fake it 'til I make it, but sometimes the messages I tell myself are overwhelming and I just can't do it. This happened a few weeks ago. 

I graduated from Olympic High School in 1996. Twenty years ago!  I started seeing the posts on Facebook for our 20-year class reunion a while back. I joined the Facebook group to receive updates about the reunion and was so excited to see the names of people I hadn't heard about for so long. Many of my classmates are already on my Facebook friends list, but how exciting it would be to sit across a table from some of them and reminisce about the good ol' days when we wandered the halls of the high school. 

But...the closer we got to the event, the more my anxiety kicked in. I wasn't really popular in high school. I was overweight, awkward, covered in acne. I was everyone's friend, but not close to anyone. I played sports, which helped, but usually sat in the front of the bus and studied on the way to games rather than being in conversation with anyone. I dreaded lunchtime and would usually find myself in the library or in a teacher's classroom having conversations with them rather than with kids in the cafeteria. The only dance I went to was prom. I didn't go to football games. I loved high school! But there were a lot of fake it 'til you make it moments. 

This anxiety was only half of my issues though. The other anxiety that I deal with now are the life questions that inevitably come up when you haven't seen someone for twenty years. The one that stresses me out most? Are you married? It still catches me off guard. How do I answer this? Is a simple no enough? Do I need to share that I'm widowed? People ask all the time and I typically say "No, I'm widowed." And then that leads to an awkward "I'm sorry" and "what happened?" Which just leads to more awkward. So this is what I stress about. 

My sweet sister tried to help me through that. I was venting to her before the reunion about how I was too anxious to go and she asked why. I told her I didn't want to tell people what my life has been the last twenty years. She stared at me in her little sister way, like I was utterly stupid and said, "What?! You don't want them to know you got your Masters Degree? That you have an amazing job that you're good at? That you have two beautiful little girls? That you own your house and manage to take care of all of those things while being a single mom? That you've lost fifty pounds in the last few months, Yeah, you're right...that would suck." I laughed nervously, but couldn't shake the negative.  

Amelia's surgery was scheduled for a couple days before the reunion weekend and I was relieved! I had a legit excuse not to go. So I posted on a few posts saying I wished I could go, but it just wasn't going to happen. I couldn't leave Amelia. And I didn't go. And then I watched the pictures from the events pour onto my Facebook page. People were having so much fun. Talking and laughing and drinking and just having fun. And I found myself wishing I was there. Regretting my decision to not go. Seeing friends and people from twenty years ago and wishing I was there to hug them and talk to them. I felt stupid and small for not only missing this opportunity, but also for judging the people that I thought would judge me. There weren't cliques sitting together. There were whole groups of people just being adults and being friendly and having fun. My perspective from twenty years ago made me miss out on a fun time. 

My advice out of all of this? Don't do that!   Don't miss out on life because of preconceived notions that are made up in your head. If I could rewind just a little bit I would go to that reunion and have fun. Give people a chance before I assume the worst in them. And also? Don't let your past define you! My sister was right (don't tell her I said that!) My accomplishments are so much bigger than the few tragedies we've experienced. I'm not just a widow. I shouldn't define myself by a box I might check on a form. I'm a mom. I'm a professional. I'm a speech-language pathologist. I'm a home owner. I'm a survivor. I shouldn't be afraid to even admit I'm a widow, because that statement alone proves that I'm pretty badass. I went through something horrible and I'm still standing today. 

We need to stop and think not about how people see us. That is not what is important. We need to start evaluating ourselves how God sees us. I am a daughter of the King. I am His beloved daughter. His child. I am loved deeply by Him. He doesn't care how damaged we are.  He doesn't judge us based on any criteria. He doesn't care if we are anxious disasters of people. We are His. Whole and loved and forgiven and beautiful creations. I forgot about this and felt I wasn't good enough. And I have felt this my whole life. That I wasn't good enough. What an awful thing to think about one of God's precious creations! I am beautifully made! And thinking that someone could think less of me is wrong. Because it's not about what anyone else thinks, but just knowing that I am His!

And it's not fair to assume the worst in people. No one was mean to me in high school. I never put myself out there to give people a chance. I just assumed that people wouldn't like me or would make fun of me or would think that I am weird or a nerd or fat. That wasn't fair to them. And it wasn't fair to myself. I short-changed myself in experiences, and apparently I still am, because I didn't think I was good enough. Something to pray about and work on for sure. If I stop and think about one of my friends thinking this way or saying these things, I would be appalled and would tell them otherwise. Why don't I treat myself the same way? I am worthy! I am beautiful! I am fun! I am all of these things and so much more!

And you are all too! Don't miss out on life and experiences because of self-defeating feelings! You are given one life to live. You are given opportunities to live and have experiences! Don't sit out because of your own dark thoughts. Fake it 'til you make it? Not good enough! You should be out there having the time of your life. Live like the moments and the minutes are slipping away because, guess what? They are! I'll never have another twenty year reunion. I missed it. And I'm sad that I did. But no more! I'm praying on this aspect of my life because I need help walking through this, but I have to live without fear! I know He is walking with me in every moment and because of that, I will have the time of my life for all eternity!