Unless you're stuck in fight or flight mode for an extended period of time. Like I was. I have been stuck in fight or flight mode for years. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does that to you. A whole bunch of yuck right in a row does that to you. You get stuck in fight or flight. I spent so much time just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the next bad thing to happen. The first few events that happened, my daddy would hold me tight and kiss my forehead and say "Well, honey...it can't get any worse..." After the third pretty big event I begged him to never say it again because apparently, it could get worse.
Did you know there's research that shows that trauma and PTSD and getting stuck in fight or flight mode can actually rewire the neurons in your brain? I didn't know that either until I was diagnosed with seizures. I didn't think I had a history of seizures. They told me they were stress induced. The stress of the last how many ever years had taken its toll on me and my brain was rewired and misfiring, causing seizures. I lost so many days...months...years of my life! Moments I won't get back again. Moments my children won't get back again. Moments my family and friends won't get back again.
So many people fought for me when I wasn't able to fight. I was on so many medications, so many drugs to stop the seizures. To keep my brain and body safe and asleep from the trauma that was tearing it to pieces and leaving me a shell of who I used to be. Everyone always complements me and tells me how strong I was in that time. In all honesty, they have no idea. And really I have no idea. They have no idea that I am missing chunks of time. No idea that many times my babies would find me in a room or in a hallway and would have to call for help. No idea that I just wanted to die and be done with the pain and confusion and not remembering. No idea that I was the furthest from strong that I could be. Not strong...just well-loved by a villiage of people who made me look ok.
We finally were led to doctors and neurologists who were smart and knew things. They balanced my medications and forced me to go to the therapy I had been avoiding and things were ok. My seizures slowed and life went on, with an only occasional blip on my radar that anything was wrong.
My whole perspective and my whole life has changed in the last few years. I'm no longer stuck in fight or flight, no longer using every ounce of strength I have to survive the day and to slay demons. Don't get me wrong, I still have PSTD moments that make me freeze and panic and stiffen every muscle in my body, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I'm not living in that space constantly. I have found happiness and love and joy again. I am living when for so many years I was barely surviving. I was only walking through my day hoping I remembered to keep breathing and offer up fake smiles to people so everyone would think I was just fine.
But now I am living! I am living every moment of every day as much as I can. Therapy has done wonders to free me from a lot that I was carrying. My smart neuros and other doctors have figured out a lot for me. Weight Watchers and my Facebook weight loss support group has help me lose 55 pounds. My Couch to 5K app has helped me begin running and actually not hate running. And the coordinator of all of this? My Heavenly Father who has orchestrated all of this plan, all of my fight or flight moments, into a life of peace and joy and love. How much lost time I have to make up for!
Back in March, I heard a voice and felt a tug at my heart that I needed to wean myself off of my Lyrica. I was on this drug for nerve pain and also a supplemental seizure med. My heart sank and I was terrified but in faith, I slowly dropped my dose of Lyrica until I wasn't on anymore. In June I had an appointment with my neurologist at Swedish. He was amazed at how well I was doing and we talked about my stress levels and that perhaps with my stress levels kept low, I could wean off of my Lamictal. The last layer of seizure drugs I was on. My heart flip-flopped as he wrote out my plan to be done, free of all seizure meds. I was filled with fear and apprehension. What if I had a seizure? What if it didn't work? What if I ended up right back where I was when we started?
But a voice in my head whispered: "But what if you don't? What if you put your faith and trust in Me and continue on this path to healing and all will be just fine?"
So with prayer and a little dose of panic I followed the plan. I took my last Lamictal this morning. Tears of joy! Tears of happiness! Tears of thankfulness! Tears of praise to my Heavenly Father for walking beside me on this journey, and carrying me through all the trauma and pain and sadness over the years.
My fight song...the song in my heart through the years has been my fight song. So many times I wanted to run away. I wanted to be done. I wanted to tap out and just finally be at peace. Something inside of me kept making me fight. Kept telling me to not give up. That the end would be worth it if I could just keep going. I've got a lot of fight left in me, but I don't need to fight. I don't need to fight! I need to let go and let God step in for me. He has this wonderful, amazing plan for me. Knowing that my story doesn't end the way Satan wanted it to end fills my heart with purpose and joy. I know that God has a plan for me! He walked with me through hell and back, carrying me in those moments that I don't remember. Carrying my daughters in the moments they were so scared and afraid. Carrying us through those moments we thought we were alone.
Praises to Father God are my fight song. Knowing that I don't have to fight is my fight song. Understanding the peace which surpasses all understanding is my fight song. The faces of my children are my fight song. Looking in the mirror and loving who I see is my fight song.
No more fight or flight. No more rewired neurons. No more seizure drugs. No more being a victim. Finding the message in my mess has brought me more peace and healing than any earthly drug could ever bring.
My fight song...I've still got a lot of fight left in me, but I don't need that fight! I just need His peace...His peace.
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