Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.”
Seven years. Tomorrow will be seven years since my husband chose to end his life. Rather than face the punishment and the consequences of his bad choices, he drove up a quiet mountain road and chose to escape this world and the wake of problems he had caused, only to start the waves once again as he peacefully exited this life.
Emotions get all screwed up when you go through something like that. I remember coming home later from work. I had just strapped Emerson into her car seat for dinner and began the routine of feeding my little girls. Then the phone rang. Wondering if I had heard from Brian. He didn’t make an appointment he had in Seattle. I hadn’t heard from him. But I could try and call him. I hung up with her and dialed his number. It went to voicemail. I went back to the task of feeding Emerson. The phone rang again. It was Brian’s mother, hysterical on the other end of the phone. They had found his belongings in boxes labeled with names and envelopes also labeled with names. And my first reaction? Anger. I just wanted to feed my kids. I just wanted to rewind a couple weeks before and have my life not in shambles. And now he dared to kill himself and leave us and his responsibilities? I called my parents to come home. I called my best friend to tell her that they thought he had gone off to kill himself. I was pissed.
His mother called back to ask if I knew where he would go to kill himself. In the realm of conversations you have with your mother-in-law, I don’t feel like that should ever be one. Of course I knew where he’d go. How awful is that?! I knew exactly where they would find his body. That thought haunts me often. It wasn’t like that was on the list of conversations we had discussed. But I knew. And that was where they found him. And again, I was pissed.
I made the drive to my in-laws house. I wanted my suicide note. I needed to see what he wrote about. When we got there his mother was hysterical. I entered their home and was angry again. They were angry at me. I was angry at the whole thing. The sheriff’s office arrived at the house shortly after I got there. When Brian’s dad opened the door, the deputy asked who I was. I told him I was Brian’s wife. He blew past me to Brian’s mom. I heard my husband was dead from the back of the deputy. He never told me my husband was dead. And I was angry. I stormed into Brian’s bedroom and began packing the things that were labeled as mine into a box. I grabbed the laptop on the floor and I needed to get home to my girls. I was so angry. Not until I got into my truck for the drive home did sadness creep in.
I hate everything about Brian. Anger is the one emotion that I tend to reset to. I get so angry. Still. Seven years later I’m angry. I’m angry that he chose me. I’m angry that I fell in love with him. I’m angry that our best date was our last date. I’m angry he hurt so many people, even before he killled himself. I’m angry he was arrested. I’m angry he died. I’m angry for a lot of it.
And then he was dead. And I was angry to be treated the way I was treated by his family and relatives. I was angry that he didn’t leave us better prepared for his death. I was angry he left me with debt that I’m still working to pay off. I’m angry every time I transfer money to that account.
I hate everything about him. Which is really hard to stick to when that person was the person you fell in love with. The person you created two beautiful and talented and smart and amazing girls. It’s hard to stay angry at that person. But that’s what I want to do, more than anything. I want to be angry. Because when you are angry, you can’t be sad. You can love and remember the good times. You can’t focus on anything but the searing anger that rises in your chest and keeps you tough and strong. Anger is easy. Sadness and grief are not easy. So I try hard to stay angry.
As I walk through the grocery store and see his favorite beer, I get angry. As I answer the 500th question about his suicide from my 7-year-old, I get angry. As I walk through the motions of doctor appointments for seizures and gall bladder troubles and tumors without my husband, I get angry. When I relive those horrific nights seven years ago when I close my eyes, I get angry.
And yet, I am far enough above my journey that I also see hope and peace and love and faith. Those pieces are the pieces that I can finally see in the gloom. I can pause the anger for a moment, and see the blessings of this journey. I can be ok with what has happened and see how much growth I have made and move foreward.
I am so thankful for a kind and loving Father in heaven that has been so patient and has waited for me to walk out of the anger and into His loving and waiting arms. He wipes away my tears. He calms the storms of anger with His righteous hand. He cradles me and the girls in His arms and soothes the aches and pains in our hearts.
The grief process include a lot of layers. Anger is one of them for sure. I have had a lot of practice in the anger. But tonight, as we are close to entering the seventh year without my husband, I am choosing to give Him my anger and to help my healing process continue. I can see the blessings! I can see why each and every step had to happen. And as badly as I want to hate Brian and everything he represented at the end of his time here on earth, I am praying for a heart of healing. Forgiveness, love, peace, hope for our future. God has a plan! He had a plan seven years ago when everything seems to be taken away from me. And he has a plan today where I am starting to see everything being given back to me. God has blessed us immensely on this journey. And although the anger may still be there, I am being healed each and every day, each and every step.
We are thriving in peace and hope and love. The anger and the hate will melt away! We are so blessed! And I can’t wait to see where my little family will grow in the next seven years! No more anger! Only love and peace and hope!
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