I Won’t Back Down...

Three times. Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has played three times today at completely different times. The first time was in a preview for a movie that comes out in January. The second time was in the truck with my family on the way to the pumpkin patch. And the third time was in an episode of Gray’s Anatomy that I was watching randomly. I smiled as I started singing the third time, and realized that God had a blog post for me to write. So I left the TV on in the background and decided to get to work, knowing that He would lead me through the writing. 

I thought about what we could possible cover with this title. I thought about my weight loss journey. I tend to get in a groove where I do well, and then something happens. Last year, almost a year ago, I broke my foot. This year, I’m back on a good streak of losing weight, and Wednesday I was hit with what I’m guessing was the real flu. I have been so sick. Achy joints, headache, back pain, cough, stuffy face. I had been doing great with my eating and exercising routines. Suddenly I found myself wanting nothing but candy and fries, and missing a day of kickboxing and two days of running. My energy is still sapped and a couple hours out of bed st the pumpkin patch has kinda done me in. But I have goals to reach and I’ll pick back up with eating and exercise as soon as I am able to sit upright for more than an hour. I won’t back down...

As Gray’s Anatomy played in the background, I listened to the case that was on TV and smiled again. Another message from Heavenly Father. A man on the episode was having surgery on a kidney tumor. He was afraid. He didn’t want to have the surgery because he was worried about the risks and the complications. I have been told to search for a second opinion. To not just listen to the first advice that told me it was “no big deal.” So, for the kidney tumor part of my life, I won’t back down...

The next item on my agenda was to go through mail.  I had lots of mail to go through since it had been a while. In the pile of mail, I found a bill. A bill for Brian from over seven years ago for money he owed. I shook my head and closed my eyes and prayed for forgiveness and patience. And I offered a prayer of thanksgiving that Father God protected me from so much. I still owe on Brian’s debt. I’m still paying on things that he owes. But there has been so much more that I am not responsible for. So much more that I haven’t had to pay. And I am so grateful. I will continue paying down his debts and moving forward from my experiences with him. And I won’t back down...

As the evening wore on, I started to feel terrible. I am tired from the day and from being ill. I was feeling sick to my stomach being dragged into some of Brian’s mess once again. Just when I get to a point where we are content and maybe not thinking about him, something comes up. And as much as I’ve moved on, as much as I have grown and changed, there are things that happen that suck me back into thinking about him and his mess he left behind. This is exactly what Satan wants. He wants me distracted by this petty little stuff so that I don’t notice the hate and discontent that is growing in my heart. I don’t notice the feelings of yuck and sadness. It slowly starts taking over. And luckily, God has walked me through this before and I am more aware of how I feel and what they try and get me to do. So I pray. And I sing praises. And I wrote blog posts. I message my prayer partner. I lean of Jesus to get me through these moments. And I know that I am loved and taken care of and protected from my Heavenly Father. And I won’t back down...

In everything I have been through, in all the trauma and all the pain, in the heartache and anger God has protected me. He has helped me to stand my ground, to ground myself in Him and His word in the Holy Bible. He has helped shelter me from Satan and his attempts to lure me off of the path God has for me. And God will continue to help me through this life. He will carry me through the moments when I have flashbacks and memories of Brian. He’ll cradle me in His loving arms as I navigate the medical pieces of a kidney tumor and my other health concerns. He will guard and guide me as I walk this health journey and keep exercising and losing weight. 

In all of the things I meet in life, I know He is with me. Matthew 28:20 says, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." His promise to us that He is always with us and will never leave us. He is with me every second of every day. Walking me through the healing I need for my past, and also preparing me for the moments of my future. I know that He won’t back down, and He won’t let me back down either.