Emerson is obsessed with watching YouTube videos lately. There is one in particular that had been on repeat for a few weeks now. It is an America's Got Talent clip of nine-year-old Angelica Hale singing Alicia Keys' song "This Girl is on Fire." If you haven't seen it, google it right now and take a peek. She's good. Very good. And she gets the golden buzzer. Sorry if that's a spoiler for you. Emerson's favorite pastime as of late is to put it on repeat and sit in the tub and, I'm assuming, imagine what it's like to be on that stage. Emerson belts the song at the top of her lungs. No shame. It's a beautiful thing and makes me smile.
Needless to say this song has been stuck in my head for about as long as Emerson has been watching this video. I assumed that this was because this is really the only thing I have heard for weeks. But apparently, it was a not-so-subtle nudge on the topic of my next blog post.
The words of this song are important to me at this very moment of my life. The lyrics show a struggle of a girl, flowing between negative and positive, gaining strength as the song progresses. This is a lot like real life for me.
There's always this fine line I walk, I feel like. This line between being solid in my faith and solid in the plan He has for me and my family, and wanting to crumple into a pile on the floor and be done. It's not a struggle unique to me. I'm sure this is a line that many of us walk through life. The line between feeling our best, and feeling our worst. The line between rocking our job, and begging to be fired. The line between putting a smile on our faces, and hiding the tears.
This girl is on fire. A phrase with dual meaning. My world, at times, feels like it's literally on fire. My soul sears in pain. I'm getting burned left and right. There is confusion and chaos and sadness. The remains of the world around me are charred and burned, disfigured and unrecognizable. I know that I'm inches away from crumbling. This is especially true now, as we approach the anniversary of my husband's suicide. Yup, it's been seven years. Maybe many of you are saying "Jeez, get over that already." I'm not sure it's ever something I'll just get over. My world burned to the ground that night seven years ago. And I got burned. This girl was on fire for a really long time. I didn't know how I was going to survive or make it through or carry on. And sometimes today, the sadness and the heartache is overwhelming. Knowing that I won't grow old with Brian. Knowing that I won't ever surpass my grandparents being married for almost seventy years together. Knowing that I don't get or have moments where I fondly remember my husband, or have a moment where I am filled with his presence or messages from him. Sometimes, this girl is on fire, and is unsure how I'm going to survive.
But then I remember Isaiah 40:31: "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." I am made strong in the Lord. And although everything around me is burning, He is walking me through, and out of, the fire. He has healed and is healing me in all realms, in all aspects of my life. He has healed me spiritually and has brought me closer to Him in my faith each and every day. He has healed me emotionally where those moments I feel like crumpling happen less and less often. He has healed me physically to where signs of seizures are infrequent to never, my broken foot is completely healed, my joints are stronger. I have confidence that he will also heal my gallbladder and the tumor on my kidney because He is powerful. He has healed me in every area of my life. And I continue to grow stronger everyday.
So, today? This girl is on fire. I am on fire for Him. I am on fire with my goals and dreams. I am not consumed by the flames, but rather I am using the flames to show just how brightly I can shine. I am on fire spiritually and ready and willing to share the beauty that has arisen from my ashes. I am on fire physically, changing and shaping my body to be the temple it is supposed to be. I am on fire for life! And I will continue to be on fire and to teach my kids how to shine our light for Him each and every day.
Isaiah 61:3 says "...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." He takes the ashes from our fires and turns them into beauty. He takes them and makes good out of all things. The horrors that my children and I have witnessed in our years would seem to have wrecked our world and caught it on fire, when in reality, the spark in our hearts were set ablaze with love and peace and hope and faith. We are on fire! And you can be also! Be kind and do better! And live life not in fear of the flames, but thankful for the renewal that comes from the fire. This girl in on fire. My girls are on fire. And we can't wait for our flames to spread to those around us!
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