Tis the Season...

Six years should be more than enough time to get over anything, don't you think? And all of the lessons for hope and love and joy and happiness I have received and written about should be enough to get me over the rest of whatever is dragging me down, right?  Well, even with new found happiness and so much healing and finding peace there are still days that are just hard. There are still days when all I really want is my best friend and a box of tissues and a couch. In this case I'm settling for a warm bath and a blog post in process instead.

Holidays are my favorite! But they can be so very hard when plans change and the course of life is altered. I miss having a husband to share Christmas secrets with. I miss having someone to help me in the chaos and clutter of the season. Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family who have offered to help me, and I appreciate every one of you, but it's just not the same. Walking through Costco and wondering if this coat for Emerson would be perfect and knowing that I have to make that decision all on my own. Picking up the book for Amelia and wishing I could turn to Brian with elation and show him my find. It's hard when those memories flood in and there's just an outline and a shadow of what could have been.

Past years have been easier for me. This one is harder, I think, because there is so much going on. Breaking my foot was not in the best timing. Our house is not decorated. We decided it would be easier if the boxes just stayed in the shed until next year. We decorated our tree tonight. I held back tears as my excited girls hung ornaments on the tree.  Getting the tree took a lot and I mostly settled on a tree that was close to the top so I wouldn't have to trudge with my crutches through the snow. No lights adorn my tree this year. I wasn't sure which box they were in. I also wasn't sure where our stockings were located so those won't be part of this year's tradition. I told the girls that Santa will pile their gifts for them on the couch. He won't need stockings but I'm still sad about it. Amelia doesn't feel well. My parents are super sick. I realized tonight that I didn't order letters or videos from Santa for my girls. And we haven't even gone to see him yet.

Things this year are different. And I have been working hard to not cry the closer we get to Christmas Day. And then when I pause and think about things, I feel badly because I have so many friends who are hurting and sick and also maybe not looking forward to Christmas. Friends who have lost loved ones in the last few weeks. Friends who are fighting for their lives. Friends who have had life-altering diagnoses in their families. And I feel selfish. I'm worried that my tree has no lights? 

Christmas will still come without those things. And I have very forgiving little girls. They understand why we aren't decorating. They exclaim that this is the best tree ever knowing I'm sad about it. They tell me they don't care about not having their stockings.

These things are not important anyways! Christmas is not about stockings and lights and ornaments. It's not about presents and packages. It's not about any of those things. 

Christmas is about love and faith and peace and hope. Christmas is about the story of a baby that was born to save the world from sin and death and Satan. Christmas is about loving the people that God has sent us. Christmas is about remembering the people that touched our lives and graced earth with their presence, even if it wasn't for long enough. Christmas is about light and life and forgiveness. 

Luke 2 is the Christmas story that matters:  8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.” 

This is the story that matters. This story is what carries me through the days when I want to cry and just close my eyes and just forget the world. This story is what reminds me of the best of my days. This story is where I close my eyes and wait for the miracles of Christmas, the miracles that my friends and family and I hope on. This is the story that reminds me just how much my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and the people that are so important to me. 

Christmas is going to come. The baby is going to be born and we will be reminded of our Savior who was sent to save us. The tears that I cry in sadness and grief will be momentary and will soon be taken over by tears of joy in the promises of mercy and grace and peace from my Father. He doesn't need lights or decorations or fancy dinners. He'll come regardless of all of those things. He'll come to me in my sadness and grief and bolster me up in His love and goodness. And He'll grant healing and comfort to those around me also. 

He is so powerful and so loving. And in my moments in the store or on Christmas Eve when I'm sad about setting up Christmas all alone, He'll remind me that I'm not alone. That He is there with me, loving me, holding me, walking me along the path that He has planned for me. 

I am not alone. And Christmas will still come! There wasn't much fanfare in the stable that night as Jesus lay in the manger in that cold stable surrounded by animals. And Christmas will still come today, without fanfare. We worship the baby. That's all He asks. We remember and worship the baby. “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Amen!

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Life is a funny thing.  So many things happen that remind us that tomorrow is not promised.  Something as simple as foot surgery a few weeks ago brought mortality to the forefront of my mind.  As we did the pre-surgery checklist, they asked me if I had a living will, asked what religion I was and if I wanted a pastor called if anything went wrong, asked who my next of kin was.  All of those questions bring about thinking about the "what ifs" and "what would happens."  Having gone through the experience of Brian killing himself, and not having a will in place for either one of us, and the hassle that brought on to me, I accomplished those tasks for myself shortly after his death, especially knowing that I was the last one around responsible for my daughters.  So, yes I have a living will, and yes I have a last will and testament.  And, since I have you as a captive audience, please take the time to get those things done and in place!  It always seemed like something that was so far off in the distance, and yet in the blink of an eye, my husband was dead and I was left to pick up the pieces.  Without those pieces in place, it was much more difficult to get through that process.  So, my public service announcement is GET IT DONE!

There was a time in my life that I worried a lot about the future.  I worried about what tomorrow would bring.  I worried about what would happen.  I worried about my children and my family and my friends.  I worried about them getting sick or dying or being one more person that would leave me behind here on this earth.  My heart would break into a million pieces each time the phone rang with bad news.  I carried that burden so heavily.  Losing Brian was a huge blow for me, even though I can see the blessings of that process, it was still a moment that sucked the wind out of my sails, and left me shaken and feeling so alone and uncertain. 

Then the call about Tom having cancer.  My other dad and the friend that had been a part of my life for so many years had lung cancer.  And before I knew it, they were telling us he only had a couple months and I couldn't believe it.  Flashbacks and worrying and anxiety filled my heart and my head and I was beside myself with fear and worry.  I didn't know what I would do.  I couldn't believe that I was losing another person, another member of my family.

Fast-forward a couple years and here I am once again, facing the diagnosis of a friend who is more like family.  A brain tumor.  Inoperable.  We'll try this, but there's not much we can do.  And in the beginning of October, I felt the same waves of panic and worry and anxiety and helplessness.  I can't do this again.  I can't go through this and lose another person that is oh so close to my heart.  I wanted to run and panic and stomp my feet, and there are still days that I want to do that, but this time, things are different.  Things are different because I have a friend and a prayer partner that I get to walk this journey with.  We get to listen to what the doctors tell us, and know that Our God is much more powerful than any of the doctors and what they tell us.  We can hear the diagnoses and the prognoses of the doctors and choose to believe God's word instead.  That God can heal Clay.

God has filled my heart and my soul and my mind with peace and hope and love and faith.  Those four pillars, those four attributes of Christian life are carrying us through this journey and things are different.  God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow.  In fact, he tells us that in Matthew 6:34 which says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  We are not supposed to worry about tomorrow.  Today has enough worries of its own, but He doesn't want us to worry about today either!  He doesn't want us to worry at all, because He has got us!  He is carrying us through today too! 

Philippians 4:6-7 is one passage in the Bible where God tells us not to worry.  It says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Do not worry.  There are over 300 times in the Bible that God tells us not to worry!  We are not supposed to worry.  We are supposed to trust in His divine plan for our lives.

So, that is how I am choosing to live in this moment.  My friend, and other dad, Clay, finished his last radiation and chemotherapy treatment today for a glioblastoma tumor in his brain.  I will admit that I have been a wreck for parts of this journey, but I am finding myself stronger everyday, as he is also finding himself stronger everyday.  We are choosing to not worry, but to pray instead.  We are choosing to turn to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in this journey, and to walk each other through this time with faith and love and peace and hope.  And prayer!  We are fighting this tumor with prayer and petition to God, our Father.  God is in control of this journey!  And He has promised us TODAY. 

Watching Clay and Melody and their faith on this journey has been miraculous and inspirational.  They are taking one day at a time, to live for Christ, to live as a testimony to Him and His plan for their lives.  And I am humbled and honored to be on this journey with them.  We are celebrating the life and time that Jesus gives us each day.  And I am choosing to reflect that in my own life.  The day that we wake up is the day that God has promised to us.  So, we live the day that we are in to the fullest, and we don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow.  We pray, and we love, and we live to the fullest the day that we are in!

We also pray for complete healing for all of us!  Healing of a broken bone in my foot.  Healing of a cough that Amelia has picked up because, of course, it's Christmas break so one of us should be sick.  Healing of soul wounds that we all pick up on this journey called life.  Healing of a glioblastoma tumor in a brain.  Our Heavenly Father is so very capable of healing all of these!  And we have faith that He will show His healing miracles to each and every one of us, no matter how big or small our concerns are!  God is the God of miracles, and He wants us all to be able to perform in His kingdom!

So, I ask that you pause for today, for this second right now that you are reading this blog post, and pray!  Pray for healing for whatever attacks and assaults the enemy is producing in your lives.  Pray for deliverance from these difficulties.  Pray for healing for your hearts and your souls and your bodies.  Pray for healing for Clay Maxim, that God would dissolve the tumor in his brain and bring Him to complete restoration to function the way God intended for him to function.

Pray for healing for you and your life.  That God would remind you to live for today.  Live in the present moment.  Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings trouble of its own.  Just live in today.  Tomorrow may not come...tomorrow may never come.  Tomorrow didn't come for Brian.  Tomorrow didn't come for Tom.  Tomorrow may not come for us.  So, live for today!  Live for the miracles that God grants us today!  Live for faith and hope and peace and love.  Live to get stronger everyday!  Live for the joy that God grants us in today!  So many blessings abound in each moment of each day!  Pause to look for those moments!  Pause to look for those blessings!  Pause to pray for those blessings!  Find a prayer partner to share in those moments, a friend, a bestie, someone you can share your walk with!  And pray for today.

Tomorrow may never come and when I think too far into that, that is where my worry and my angst begin, and those thoughts and feelings are not from God.  So, I turn my mind to today.  Tomorrow may never come, but I'm not thinking about that.  I'm too busy loving and living for today!  Loving the people that God blessed me with, and enjoying the minutes of today where I get to hold them and love them and pray for them.  If tomorrow never comes...that's OK because I know that I lived for today...

A Lamp Unto my Feet...

My phone upgraded about a week ago in the middle of the night.  I didn't want it to.  And I was even more mad when I went to write a blog post, and found out that the Blogger app is no longer compatible with my new iPhone upgrade.  What?!  I don't blog on the computer.  I blog on my phone.   When Father God tells me it's time to write, I grab my phone and write.  And although I do own a computer, God seems to have a sense of humor when it's time to write, and it's not usually when and where I have access to my computer.  So, I have access to my computer right now.  I was scrolling through Facebook, and messaging friends, and e-mailing family.  And I heard..."Uhh...how about you blog since you're sitting there.  No excuses, Duncan!"  So...here I sit in front of the computer, blogging.  I hope it flows as well as it does when I'm on my phone app.  My OCD is showing maybe!

A Lamp Unto my Feet...that title was given to me a week ago, the morning of the big upgrade.  I knew what I was supposed to write about and I grabbed my phone, only to have my app shut down on me a few times.  Then, a courtesy pop-up on my phone, telling me that my Blogger app wasn't compatible.  So, I've had a few opportunities to think about this blog over the week.  And tweak it and stew about it and write it over and over in my mind.  So, I sit here in front of the computer, ready to roll.

Saturday, November 5th, was just another Saturday.  We had Nutcracker rehearsal at the dance school.  When we were finished, I came home and ran 5 miles, cooked dinner, and cleaned up my kitchen.  I remembered that there were some dishes from a snack I had made the girls on the living room table so I walked through my kitchen towards the dining room, stepping over the box that I had just unloaded the contents of into my freezer.  I didn't see the coat on the floor on the other side of the box, stepped on it, slipped, and ended up on the ground in the entryway to my back door.  I laid there, trying to assess the damage to myself.  A shoe jabbing into my side.  My ribs seems fine.  Fully landing on my already weird hip joint.  I could move my leg perfectly, although it was sore.  I seemed ok.  I mustered up the energy to stand up when I felt searing pain in my right foot.  I hobbled to a chair, took off my shoe, and knew something was wrong.  Long story short, I broke my foot.  A few x-rays, a boot and crutches, and a specialist later, I now know my foot requires surgery.

I have tried to maintain a positive outlook through this experience.  It's not a big deal.  It's just a foot.  It could be so much worse.  I'll be FINE!  But there are moments of frustration.  The hassle of using crutches or a walker or just having to sit.  The pain each time I take my foot in and out of my boot.  The fear and slight panic of having to have surgery done.  The constant reminder in my bedroom of a treadmill that is sitting idle, after all of my hard work and dedication to a healthier me.  The loss that I feel for that piece seems to get stronger as the days pass.

But I know that God has led me to this moment for a reason.  He has prepared me for this moment, and has laid out a plan for me.  For the last few weeks, I have clearly heard the message BE STILL!  It has been whispered into my ear, placed all over Facebook posts and memes, written on pictures on walls of places I have been.  And I would smile and nod my head and say, "Yes, I know.  Be still!"  But I didn't do anything to make myself still necessarily.  This has made me slow down, even if for a few moments in time.

My Grandma Kubert's favorite verse was Psalm 119:105:  Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  To this day, when we sing this song in church, my dad's eyes well up with tears as he remembers his momma.  I have done a lot of reading devotionals and reading the Bible and praying lately.  And not being able to do much and having to be still in a chair for a while has only worked to increase this habit.  And it is so true!  Everything that I am going through, everything that the people I love are going through, has an answer in His word.  And God provides us those answers and insights at the exact moment that we need them, a light unto our paths.  The journey that I have been on over the last few years has led us to certain moments in our lives, and I can look back and see these moments for what they are - lessons and blessings from Our Heavenly Father as He guides me down the path for my life.  And this little broken foot?  This is no different!  There is a message in this mess.  There is a lesson for me in this situation.  God uses everything that we go through for His good!  There is something good that is going to come out of this test also!  A testimony for others?  Maybe!  A message for someone that is struggling?  Perhaps!  But I already can see the writing on the wall for me as I read through that Psalm one more time.  "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." 

I needed God to shine the light on my path that day.  I needed to know there was a danger to me on the other side of that box.  I needed His light to illuminate the coat that I was about to slip on.  If I had just slowed down.  If I had walked around the box instead of hurdling over it.  If I had broken down the box and kept the path clear in the first place.  God is showing us each and every day the messages that He has, the promises that He provides, and the light that He illuminates our paths with.  It's up to us to slow down, be still, pay attention, and notice His good word and good works all around us.

Times are tough for so many right now.  My prayer list is bursting at the seams with hurting, helpless, and hopeless people.  But, the good news is right in front of us!  So many times each and every day, I am led to God's word for direct words, direct instruction, direct prayers that are given to us by our Heavenly Father.  We only need to stop and look and see what He has done and what He has given us. I am left in awe and shaking my head sometimes at the wonder and beauty of His timing and His messages.  I might be struggling with something in my day, and I hear a verse, or I see a devotional and it's exactly what I need to hear at that moment.  I'm having doubts and the tears are falling freely, and I hear a song on the radio, reminding me of the strength and courage that only he provides.  I'm frustrated with seeing my treadmill collecting dust and all of the work that I put into getting myself to where I am today.  And he reminds me how much harder crutches would be with 60 extra pounds on my body.  Or how much harder this recovery and process would be if I hadn't been in such good shape when it happened.  The last time I had surgery I was fat and sick and tired.  The doctor called me in to do an evaluation on my throat and my neck because they thought I was too fat to have the surgery that I needed.  I was humiliated, but not enough to do anything about it.  This time?  There was no questioning whether or not I could have the surgery.  People are telling me to slow down on my crutches.  I am strong and powerful and resilient and I will get through this!  And, before you know it, I will be back on Week 1, Day 1 of my couch to 5K app, and I'll be back to the person that I have grown to love!

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  I know the way that I need to take!  God clearly marks out every step He has in mind for me!  And as long as I am obedient to Him, I will walk with confidence and joy in His promises.  I know that path that he has me on!  I can clearly see the destination that He has in mind for me.  And I am walking this path, one step at a time...just maybe on crutches for a while...

Let Freedom Ring...

Emerson was laying in bed the other night and suddenly burst into tears. I flipped the light on and sat up. 

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"I picked the wrong person!" she sobbed into her tiny hands. 

"What?" I was thoroughly confused. 

"I picked the wrong person!" 

"What are you talking about?"

Through tear-stained cheeks she lamented, "We voted in school today to pick the people we wanted as president and I picked the wrong one!" her little body wracked in sobs. 

For the next twenty minutes or so, we discussed who she had picked, why she picked that person, and why she thought she had picked wrongly. We talked about the Democratic process and how we get to vote for whoever we want to vote for, and that as long as we had taken that vote seriously, had asked our Father to guide our vote, and were convicted about the person we were choosing, there wasn't a "wrong" choice. 

I maybe didn't agree with the words I was saying whole-heartedly as the thought of having to draw a closing line on my ballot for either Hillary or Donald made me physically ill. I sat in front of my ballot for probably not less than weeks thinking, praying, asking my Heavenly Father what was best for our country, what followed His will. 

Tonight as I read through my Facebook feed, I realize that I have a lot of angry and disappointed friends. Friends that are worried and scared. Friends that are casting their "shame on you, America" words to their counterparts that potentially cast a vote for Donald Trump. I am heartbroken that in a time when we should be bonding together and praying for this great nation, we are lashing out in anger at each other, already pointing fingers, accusing the people that voted for Trump of being stupid and ignorant and backwards. 

We need to stop! This needs to stop! This country was founded on turmoil and strife. We were built on Revolutionary Wars and a nation declaring its freedom from oppressors. We have been torn down to our core numerous times in the past and we have risen from the ashes and become a nation united, a people bonded by the common fact that we are Americans! And we are resilient!!

We are not who our president is! We are beautiful, loving people with amazing potential. We are the sum of the citizens of this great country, United together in faith and hope and peace and love. 

We don't need Hillary to be our president to be "Stronger Together." And we certainly don't need Donald to "Make America Great Again." We have the potential for both of those things no matter who our leader is because We, the People, of the United States of America are a brave people. We are a wise people. We are a strong people. We are people together, fighting to save this country and fighting to save our relationships. 

So, I implore you to stop with the divisiveness! Stop with the unkindness and the anger. Stop with the hate and let's bond together NOW! Bond together to heal this nation and get her back on the path to being the greatest nation in the world. You know what I did see in those Facebook posts? Passion! So much passion! Let's channel that, and use that, and bond together, and fight to save this great nation!

As we look towards the end of this week, let's focus on what has really made our country stronger, and the people that are really responsible for our freedoms and making America great - our Veterans! They fought for us in each growing pain toward freedom in this country. They fought for us to keep us safe. They fought for us so that we might rest in peace at night while they sacrifice their time and families and some of them ultimately, their lives. Donald Trump may have won the election. But HE does not define who we are as a nation. We do! We, the people! We are what makes America great! We are what is needed to get this country back on track.

As I watched the election results come in on the television, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. Why? Because I've been focusing a lot on Psalm 27:1 throughout this election and campaign process. It says, "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Peace...not fear! Peace! I have faith that God will protect us. I have faith that God will bless our president, no matter who that may be. I have faith that this will make us stronger! I have faith that Father God has a plan for me, for my friends and loved ones, and for this country! We will move forward in faith and peace and hope and love and we will become stronger together and we will make America great again. 

So let's stop with hateful, angered talk!  Enough with the fighting and bickering and blaming!  Be done with attacking each other! Put down those feelings, and just know that God is in control! He's got this! And He's got us...right in the palm of His hand. 

I am grateful this election season is over, and I speak peace over the times that are to come and I pray for our great nation! As we embark on this new adventure as a country, I stand here today and declare that "I'm with HIM!" My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! For through Him, I am made stronger everyday, and I have faith that He will make our country stronger everyday as well! Stand with me! Peace, hope, faith, love...I'm with Him! Amen!)

Picture Perfect

Photographs are an interesting medium. A picture is a snapshot in time, a glimpse inside the lives of the person or people that are the subject of the photo. Often I find myself staring into the eyes of people in a photograph, wondering what was going on behind the scenes of their lives when that particular photo was snapped. Were they happy? Was something wrong and they were faking the smile for the camera? Was the photo staged or was it by chance snapped in a moment?  Pictures are an important part of how we maintain memories of people and events. 

When Brian and I got married, we talked often about having photos taken. I had been married all of maybe three hours when I got pregnant with Amelia, I believe. We would lay in bed together and talk excitedly about having a baby to take pictures of and share with the world. It was a wonderful dream! So every November, I would call and make our appointment at JC Penneys to have our family Christmas photos taken. Then we would eagerly sit after the session and choose which pictures would be perfect for our Christmas cards. It was something I looked forward to every holiday season.

And then Brian died, two months shy of our first family-of-four opportunity for Christmas pictures. I almost didn't go through with pictures that year, but then I decided I needed to. I needed to have pictures of my little family, even if it was a member short. I hired a different photographer and met her at her studio in Port Orchard. She got beautiful images and we left. And I sobbed all the way home, angry about how unfair this was that he wasn't in our pictures with us. 

A few weeks later I got the CD of images and they were stunning. I was smiling. The girls were happy. We looked like the perfect little family. Anyone looking at the photos and staring into our eyes would never know the "negatives" that were developing in the background. The death of my husband, the girls' father. The horrible articles in the paper. The flowers and plants that still filled our home in condolence. The tears that were shed and the sleepless nights. The dread of even waking up some mornings. Our family, in the glossy shots on the CD, looked happy and normal. 

Pictures can either be the best things, or the worst things, depending on what phase of life you are in. When my other dad, Tom, was nearing the end of his journey here on earth with us, I went through this phase where I tore my house apart looking for pictures of him. Him with my dad. Him with my girls. Him with me and my sister and my other sisters. I wanted those pictures so I could desperately cling to the better moments, the happier times where he wasn't sick and we were laughing and having fun and enjoying life as one big happy family. Those pictures saved me some nights. 

My family pictures before Brian's death? I don't want to see them. There isn't a picture of him hanging in our home. His ending time on earth was so negative, so awful, so filled with grief and turmoil and raw emotion that I wanted him and his memory to just dry up and disappear. I have his pictures tucked away in my closet for those moments when one of the girls might ask to see him. The "negatives" that developed in the background were just too painful for me to see. And still are sometimes. 

But, the photographs that we take tell the story of us, no matter if it's good or bad. They are the little snapshots of our journey in this life that walk us down memory lane and are proof of the life and times that we lived. I don't hesitate to take photos. I am always making my girls pose or my parents pose. Kristi and I snap a photo together before the start of every football game. I cherish the photos with Julie and her kids from summer adventures where we're together. These memories, even the memories of Brian, are important to developing the story of us. 

I had the honor of attending a family photo shoot this morning. My talented friend, Michelle, went with us to capture some family pictures for people that we love dearly. As I was watching the photo shoot take place, my heart was filled! This family, who is so very important to the girls and I, are walking through a storm right now. The "negatives" they are developing in the background right now are more than they should have to bear. But standing back and watching Michelle snap pictures of them in various arrangements and poses made all of those negatives disappear. The photos didn't show the tumor that was just diagnosed. They didn't show the aches and pains and tremors that he goes through. They didn't show the worry and heartache and anger and roller coaster of emotions they are going through. There was no sign of the exhaustion and fatigue from long days and sleepless nights. The screen on the back of Michelle's camera only showed love. It only showed smiles and happiness. It captured giggles and teasing and affectionate glances. Small, amazing, important moments in time for them to cherish and treasure and look back on with fondness. It captured a family that is full of love and hope and faith and peace. It captured a family that is stronger everyday as they walk through this journey with each other and with God. 

Philippians 1:3 says, "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..." and that says it all. Pictures are important. If anything, they give us the visual reminders of the people and the time and the love that Father God has blessed us all with! Concrete evidence that we laughed and lived and loved, even if it wasn't for as long as we wanted. Tangible proof of the blessings that we are granted. 

I should be looking at those pictures with the heart of what an honor it was to hold Brian and love him and grow babies and a family with him. His untimely exit doesn't change any of that. I was still greatly blessed by his presence for those few years I knew him and loved him. And the photographs from that time serve as my reminder of the journey that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. 

So take all the pictures you can! Capture the moments of those blessings that you have been granted! Look through the memories and remember the fun times and the laughter, the giggles and the teasing. Father has blessed us richly! And how awesome for all the evidence we gather! Share your picture memories with us all! For in doing so, we are praising God for his beautiful and perfect timing, the amazingness of His creation, and the arrangement of His universe according to His will!

I can't wait to see what continues to develop, for my family, and for all of the families we hold near and dear to our hearts! And I will indeed thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

and hold you close in my thoughts and prayers. 

The Worst Day Since Yesterday...

Ever have one of those days where you just wish there was a reset button? A day where you just wish you could crawl back into bed and have a do-over? A day where you just close your eyes and hope that the world stops spinning for just a second so you can catch your breath and gain your balance once more?  Ever have that day turn into a bigger chunk of time?

When we were going through everything with Brian, it seemed to be a never-ending string of those days. When the first incident kicked over the first domino of doom, it seemed like nothing could top that event. But then it was one thing after another. After each event, my daddy would cradle me in His arms and say "It can't get any worse!" After the third fairly huge event, I looked into his eyes, put my hand gently over his mouth, and begged him to stop saying that! It seemed to be a challenge to the universe to find something bigger than the last thing that happened. Every event, whether it was big or small, seemed to threaten to bring me to my knees. And some of the events did, both literally and figuratively. There came a point where I would throw my hands up in the air and giggle, not knowing how else to react. Not wanting to think about dealing with one more thing. I was quickly sliding to the end of my rope. 

I have been a Christian almost my whole life, but I have become immersed in my faith and my feelings towards God recently, in the last couple years. For a while on my journey I was spinning my wheels, unsure of who exactly might have been in charge. I was thankful to be able to lean on my God, but I don't know if I took it very seriously. I worked very hard to try and handle things on my own.  I worked hard to fix things and let people see that I was tough and strong and brave and could handle anything.  Occasionally I'd throw up a prayer or two, but honestly there was a lot of "Why me" and "Seriously, I think I'm good in the tragedy department" thrown into the mix. He walked me through those times, but it wasn't until recently that my heart was set ablaze by His goodness and grace and mercy and I realized just how good life could be with Him!

Does being a daughter of the King mean that I am protected from tragedy? No...Does being a follower of God mean that I don't still reel and grieve the loses I have experienced? Not at all...Does knowing Jesus and my Lord and personal Saviour mean that every day is hunky dory? Nope...but all of those things above have gifted me with the strength and faith and resiliency to know that every step I take is hand-crafted and planned by Father God. Each moment of my time here on earth is orchestrated by Him, to help me walk with Him in faith and hope and peace and love. All of the moments of my life, the good and the bad, are placed in my life exactly when I need them, to either teach me, train me, prepare me, or grow me up in my faith in Him. 

I am so glad that I had God to walk me through those dark times in my life. Even though many times it seemed to be a half-hearted following of God, I was still loved and protected and carried by my Heavenly Father. 

How about now? Sometimes it seems that things get stacked up again. A friend who is my other family receives a devastating diagnosis. I watch them and love them and support them through their journey the best that I can, but I also watch them have one thing after another happen to them. A car accident. A flat tire. A broken microwave. A power outage. Little things it seems, but when you're dealing with one big thing the little things seem to threaten to take you down. Satan and his minions at work to try and unsteady the faith, tear apart the peace, steal, kill, and destroy however they can. But, my friend and prayer partner, walked me through my journey. We have become stronger everyday through all of our steps together. We can see the bigger picture and know that even though this might be the worst day since yesterday, it's not a big deal when you are walking with the Lord. I see my journey and the pain and heartache that I went through, and I praise God for those days because it made me stronger in my faith, stronger in my resiliency, stronger everyday! And it lined me up perfectly to be able to walk my friends and family through this journey, and any other journey we may come upon. 

So, worst day since yesterday? Not a big deal! We are in training! We have faith!  We know that God will use this situation for a greater good and that we will see that God is on the move, in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, in our communities. We have an opportunity to find beauty from ashes, in Jesus's name! We have an opportunity to love and grow and help others in His kingdom to do the same!  We have an opportunity to take our bad days, our tragic moments, and turn them into days of love and peace and hope and faith! We choose to have faith and walk in faith and to share our faith!

We will also have bad days...we will have days when we cry and grieve and maybe stomp our feet and ask "why me" and declare "enough already!" But by the grace of God, we will remember that He is there, in the midst of our bad days. He is there, counting every tear that we shed. He is there, holding our hands and walking us through the tough days. 

We choose to be stronger everyday, even in the days that are worse than yesterday. Those days? Those days we drop to our knees and ask Father God to lead us, and guide us, and protect us. And humbly ask Him to use is as an example and a light of faith and hope and peace and love to others. For even in the tough times, we choose to thank and praise His most Holy name! 1 John 5:5 says, "Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God." We believe! We have faith! We join together in love and praise and worship and prayer! And our faith will overcome the troubles of the world! 

Worst day since yesterday? What a blessing to know we get another opportunity to praise the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! How blessed we are! Another day...another day to be stronger...

There's a Tree...

When I have something that weighs heavy on my heart and soul and mind, I have a tendency to take it out on my sleep. I don't sleep well when I am dealing with things. It just doesn't happen. I mull it over and stew and think and pray and read and plead with God. All. Night. Long. When stuff happened with Brian I developed the habit of pacing. I pace around my house all night long sometimes, talking to myself, praying to God, as if walking 100 miles a night is going to get me closer to the solutions I so desperately want. 

Last night was a pacing night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shut off my brain. I couldn't stop the flow of tears that washed over me and over me again. So I paced. And prayed. And cried. And asked God to take control of the situation that I am struggling with. 

As I was pacing my house a voice encouraged me to pause by my front entryway. In my entryway, hanging on the wall, are four signs that I bought after Brian died, to remind me of the virtues I felt were strong in my home and in my family. One is a picture of a nest that says  "The home is a nest where love is found to be." The next, a bird, that declares "To our children we give two things, one is roots and the other is wings." One with a tree on it tells us "The tree will always be there for the family tree is home." And the last, a close up view of birch trees that reads, "Our family tree thrives in strength and love. With every bud and every branch the tree grows. Every joy shared adds more love and every storm faced together only makes the tree grow stronger."

My family tree. I come from a long line of amazing people. They have been strong in adversity. They have fought hard battles to survive life as it comes at them. They are a family of wise, strong, courageous people. 

My personal family tree branches off of those people. The three women that live in my household, our tree is also strong. We have deep roots that press down into our Lord and Savior. We have that foundational root system that grows deep. Our little tree of three has many branches to it. My parents. My sister and her family. They love us and they bolster our tree with branches to make us grow big and strong. 

Then there are the branches that have been grafted to our tree. Friends and loved ones that have become more than just friends and loved ones. People that have been accepted and absorbed by our tree. People that have withstood the storms in our life that have made us stronger. People that mean the world to us. That love us and know us and want what is best for us. People that have put solid roots down next to us to hold us upright when life got super stormy. 

When I was growing up, our favorite days were spent camping at Kalaloch. We would wake up on any given day of our vacation and walk far, far down the beach as a family. Oftentimes we would walk so far we'd get caught by the tide and have to spend the day swimming and playing in the secret cove that was just ours. On the walk, my mama and I would walk together and hold hands and sing. We loved to sing and harmonize together. One of our favorite songs was a song by country artist Tanya Tucker called "Strong Enough to Bend." The song starts out with these words:

"There's a tree out in the backyard 

That never has been broken by the wind. 

And the reason it's still standing 

It was strong enough to bend."

Strong enough to bend. My tree, bolstered by the love and faith and peace and hope of family and friends was strong enough to bend. My tree, deeply rooted in love and faith and peace and hope in my Heavenly Father was strong enough to bend. We didn't break. We didn't topple over. We were strong enough to bend. 

The current situation that I am facing has me pacing again. And God has me watching the walls for messages from Him. This message was important. This message feeds right into the motto we have developed: Stronger Everyday! Our roots and branches are being blown and buffeted, twisted and tangled by the fierce storm that is upon us at this time. We cling to each other and cling to Father God and pray that we can outlast the storm. But we will! God will see to it that we do! Because He has walked us down paths in a journey that we wouldn't wish on anyone. Step by step He was there conducting our dance through evil and pain and heartache. And He is here, doing the same for this round of evil and pain and heartache too. 

But our message in the mess? We are strong enough to bend! We are strong in the Lord! And we are STRONGER EVERYDAY!!

Love, blessings, and strength to bend to all of my family and friends. No matter what you're going through, let me plant myself next to you, bolster you up, and help you ride out the storm. Stronger Everyday!