We All Need Somebody...

The Incredible Journey was one of my most favorite books and movies when I was a kid. I mean, what’s not to love? There’s dogs. There’s a cat. There’s an amazing story of loss, adventure, teamwork, and (warning - here’s a spoiler if you haven’t read it or seen it!!) eventually a tear-filled joyful reunion at the end filled with love. When I think about my life, and the path that God has set me on, I can’t help but think that I am in the middle part of my own Incredible Journey. There’s dogs. No cats. But so far we’ve got an amazing story of loss, adventure, and teamwork. And because of the faith that I am firmly planted in, I know that I am eventually going to have a tear-filled joyful reunion at the end. 

So, let’s think for a second about the story. You can’t have a story without characters. And my Incredible Journey is filled with characters. My mom and dad, who have been such an amazing support in our years of struggle. My sister and her family, who have loved us and cared for us and dropped everything to make sure we were ok. My extended family and friends, who are too numerous to name individually, but who have also met us at various points on this journey and helped us along the way.  

This new year has been about a lot of reflection for me. Something that I have thought a lot about has been this Incredible Journey. Many of you know I am a Christian. And I don’t believe that things happen by accident. Every day, every minute of our lives, is planned out for us. The good and the bad all have lessons to teach us. They are all woven into our life’s tapestry in order to help us stand back at one point and see the beautiful big picture that is being created. And when you think about the events of your life, all the way back to your birth, those things happened for a purpose. Those things all happened to make you into the person you are today. One little difference, one little change, and you could be an entirely different person, in a different place, with different circumstances and different people. The characters in my Incredible Journey would not be the same. And when I think about the path that I was led down to get here, to this moment right now, I am overwhelmed with the sense that Father had everything laid out for me. And has the rest all planned out too. 

So, when I think about the twists and turns in my Incredible Journey, it takes me back to fifteen years ago when I walked though the doors of Jackson Park Elementary as their brand new Speech-Language Pathologist. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and was going to change the world. My very first IEP meeting, I sat at a table and told a family I was cutting their son’s IEP minutes. The resource room teacher at the table looked at me and declared, “Uh, no you’re not.” Then the mom threatened something about lawyers and I quickly hand wrote the minutes back to what they were and left the meeting as soon as I could at the end. Man, I was intimidated by and terrified of that teacher. And continued to be for quite some time. Who would have thought that fifteen years later, she would be one of the starring characters in my Incredible Journey?

Melody started off as someone I was so afraid of, so intimidated by, that I didn’t quite know what to do with her. I’d attend meetings and stare at her in awe as she spoke with parents and children. I knew that she was wise and smart and so very good at what she did. It wasn’t long before she and I started eating lunch together at work and talking about students. We would share ideas and she would teach me things that worked for her with kids. Soon we were laughing and sharing secrets, talking about our families and spending hours together either in person or on the phone. Eventually she graduated to honorary Nana to my babies and worked her way deep into our hearts. And then my life unraveled, and she was one of the many characters that stepped forward to help the girls and me through. Melody and I have been through some terrifying, amazing, weird times together. There hasn’t been much that we haven’t experienced together. 

But one day, and I’m not sure I can even pinpoint the exact day or month or even year, things shifted in our relationship. God intervened on our behalf, and took us from strangers to coworkers to acquaintances to friends, to bonded friends, to family...but in the last few years our bond has gone through one more metamorphosis and we were blessed to become prayer partners. We started adding Christ into the center of our friendship and amazing things started happening. Rather than just talking and sharing, we began praying and reading the Bible together. And my Incredible Journey became OUR Incredible Journey. We became partners in faith and we have watched the most amazing things happen. Healing and grace, forgiveness and peace, praying and talking and learning, pressing deeper in our Father’s arms, working on people’s hearts and faith, bringing others to learn about Jesus. It has been such an Incredible Journey that we often find ourselves shaking our heads wondering how it all happened, how we were lucky enough for our paths to cross and find each other and grow and walk together. We know that God placed us with each other, gifted us to each other. And the things we have seen and heard and witnessed and experienced have been simply amazing. 

Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am also.” This has been most certainly true as Melody and I have bonded and grown in the love of Christ. He has been so very present always, but we have been so lucky to experience His love and grace and peace for us in the context of prayer partners. He has been actively present with us, and sends us reminders throughout our time together that He is here and that He loves us. And we feel so blessed to share that with each other, but to also have the opportunity to pass this on to others!

So, I encourage you to find your person! Find the one that God has set aside just for you! The person who will drop everything to pray with you and for you. The person who thinks through things with a God-focused brain and walks you through this with prayer and scripture. The person who isn’t afraid to be firm with you when you are straying from His path and His plan. The person who loves you and guides you back to the cross when you feel lost. The person who looks into your eyes or hears your voice and knows when you are having a moment of weakness and bolsters you up with prayer and praise. 

I have been so blessed. I am so thankful for all of the characters that have been a part of my Incredible Journey. My family and friends. My girls. My husband. My coworkers. All of the people on my list of friendships. All of the people who found their way into our lives for whatever reason. And I am also so thankful for Melody, and the earthly partnership that she and I share. For I know the Incredible Journey that we are on now is only part of the path that will lead to the tear-filled joyful reunion at the end where we are reunited with the loved ones we have lost, and where we get to spend the rest of eternity with our Lord and Savior. What a blessing! What amazing grace! What an Incredible Journey!

Don’t Worry, Be Happy...

I sat in a meeting today for one of my favorite kiddos. He is so low. He is very language disordered. But if anyone were to sit and have a conversation you would hardly notice there was anything wrong with his communication skills. Unless you started digging deeper you may never even think there’s anything wrong at all. He is funny and uses sarcasm. He is able to take turns and use language pretty appropriately. Surface stuff looks super typical. But if there’s any critical thinking of deeper language stuff that needs to happen, he has glaring holes in his abilities. When I was explaining this to his parents I told them that he often “fakes it ‘til he makes it.” He loves to talk and that is part of what makes him look typical. He can talk around his deficits and many people, unless they are really analyzing what is being said, think that more words are better. In this case, they aren’t. 

As I walked to my truck I reflected on the meeting. I always think and re-think and overthink my meetings and my kids. Did I convey the severity of his challenges? Do the parents know what a struggle he has? Is there something different I should be doing for him? Something more? And then I thought of that phrase: fake it ‘til you make it. I had a little chat with my Heavenly Father and then realized that this phrase could easily transfer to me. 

My communication skills are in tact. At least I hope they are since my livelihood sorta depends on that.  It’s not about my language or the subtle cues that I’m missing during problem solving. Or maybe it is. I fake it ‘til I make it too. Just not in language, but in life. In feelings. In anxiety. I emotions. 

The new year started a fire burning in me, like it usually does. The turn of a calendar. A clean sheet. A new opportunity for hope. A fresh start. New goals. New focus. New places to hide. New chances to fake it ‘til I make it. I have packed my life with goals and challenges. I have moved from the addiction of food to the addiction of being busy, of exhausting myself. I have been fresh with excitement and happiness and joy. Until sneaks of negative started rearing their heads today. I was sharing my goals with someone. When I mentioned the 2,018 miles in 2018 they asked me if I was counting all of my steps, or my intentional exercise sessions. I told them I was counting all of my steps in order to get in five and a half miles a day. That I wouldn’t be able to do it if I was only counting my exercising. They told me I was cheating. That those everyday steps didn’t count. I argued that I walked a mile and a half at the grocery store the other day and that certainly should count. They said it shouldn’t. That I wasn’t walking to exercise. So, that started me overthinking. 

What if they’re right? What if it is cheating? Maybe I am a fraud. My PTSD tells me I should always be paranoid. Always looking over my shoulder. That I’m one step away from screwing something up. My anxiety tells me that I’m worthless and that no one has time for me. And the negative thoughts just kept coming. The fear of thinking about doing this much exercise for a whole year, and then hearing from one of the first people I shared with that it doesn’t even count. Knowing how exhausted my body is from all the walking and running and kickboxing. Thinking that I am too fat and too lazy and not committed enough for this to last for a whole year. It’s only the third and I’m already ready to be done. 

And then, I think of one of my favorite verses: Matthew 11:28 - Then Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” It says come to Him! It doesn’t say come to your friend, or come to your daughter, or come to this person or that person. It says come to HIM. Too often, I seek approval of other people. I want other people to tell me my worth. I look to my daughters to tell me I’m a good mom. I listen for my friends to sing my praises and tell me “good job.” I read old cards from my husband telling me that I was everything He wanted and needed. And I find my worth in those words. So, when the opposite happens, I devalue myself by those words also. 

All week I’ve been on cloud nine and so proud of myself. It only took one person to grind that progress to a halt and suck me right back into negative thinking. So, I have a choice. I can either let this drive me to a Big Mac, or big change. And I’m praying for big change. I cannot rely on people, on sinful imperfect humans, to help me figure out my worth. I already know I’m worthy. I have a loving Father in heaven who loved me so much, He sent His only son Jesus to die an awful death to save me from my sins. He loves me and He finds worth and value in me. I need to press into him and realize that His approval is all I need. And I NEVER need to prove my worth to Him. I am His daughter, His precious child. He loves me and in Him, I can always know that I am enough. 

I am enough. And when I finally can fully realize that I can truly come to Him in my weariness and bring him my burdens, then I will know my value. I can accomplish anything though Christ who gives me strength. And whether that is walking five and a half miles on a treadmill, or five and a half miles through a grocery store, I am enough! So, don’t worry! Be happy! Don’t worry about anything! And be happy in everything! No more faking it until I make it. Because in my Father’s eyes, I’ve made it. I’m enough!

Do You Want Fries with That?

The answer to this blog post title for me is always a resounding YES! I love salty! I love fries. This is probably a big contributor to my weight loss struggles. And even though it seems that I’m starting to get the hang of this weight loss and exercise thing, the truth is I still struggle. I am thirteen pounds lower than I was one year ago. I’ve probably lost the same few pounds all year long but that has given me hope that my downward trend will continue. 

With the new year dawning usually comes the resolutions. Weight loss has perpetually been on my list for at least the last fifteen years. I say only fifteen years because I didn’t actively care any of the years before that. Those years were the years I spent bulking up to rock out my success story. Ballooning up to 361 pounds has its perks in that the 230 pounds I am currently staring down doesn’t seem so bad. Until you realize that you’ve been stuck here for a while. 

I’ve been a Weightwatchers member for the last fifteen years off and on. It works! When you’re true to yourself and working the program it works. So, naturally when the new year started and I began writing out my plan for success in the new year, my first item on my list was to quit meetings. Haha! Not what you were expecting? Part of my life message from Heavenly Father was to catch my breath. To slow life down. To take things out that don’t contribute to His plan and will for me. Meetings haven’t been working for me for a while. They are one more thing to run to in my busy schedule. They were one more expense. For what? To go up and down the same five pounds in two years? So I quit the meetings and switched to just the online program. I still need the crutch of their app and their points calculators and the feeling that I have some guidance and I’m not just relying on my own nutritional knowledge. Because that love of fries kicks in and I convince myself that I’m eating vegetables in that little red box with the M on them. 

After I quit the meetings I sat down and I made my vision board for the year. I wrote out my goals. I’d like to weigh 165. I want to drink around 100 ounces of water in a day. I want to walk or run five and a half miles a day. I want to complete my couch to 5K app on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and continue kickboxing Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’ve joined a couple different DietBets. I’m going to enter the I Love Kickboxing body transformation challenge. I have signed up for a challenge to run 2,018 miles in 2018. I want to actually weigh and measure my food and maybe actually stay within my daily points for a change. I have refocused and have planned and wrote out my goals and my rewards. I’m ready to finally conquer the dreaded 220 pound mark that is such a huge mental block for me. I’m ready to see who I can become in this new beautiful year. 

But I also know that all the plans and pictures and vision boards in the world won’t make the change happen if I don’t first start by putting my Lord and Savior first. He needs to be in the center of all of these plans. He needs to be the one I turn to for direction. He needs to be the one I talk to before making decisions. I know He loves me and wants me to treat my body like the temple He created me to be. And I know that He already has the plan for me to do that, and the route I need to take to get there. 

He also has gifted me with friends and family to support me through my journey. So, in order to remain accountable, I will be posting my journey on Facebook so that I can have a record of this year to come. So, I apologize for this now. If this sort of thing annoys you, you can unfriend me! I know that sometimes I get annoyed with people and what they post and these pieces of my journey maybe are teaching me a lesson of sort. People need people. They need supporters and people to cheer them on. Not sure if that’s what I’m looking for per se, but this is more of a way to be able to look back and see what I’ve accomplished in a year. 

I have put God in the center of this journey. I am creating a different me to become a better servant to my Father. I am changing my health and my eating and my exercise to glorify His name and to take care of the body He has given me!

Am I going to still eat fries? Probably. But I am going to be more deliberate in my thinking about my eating and my journey. I have a lot of live for. I have a lot to do in His kingdom. And I want to be a good example to the two little girls in my house that are looking to me for healthy lifestyles. 

I will be praying my way through this journey, asking you all to love and support me through it, encouraging you to pray about what God’s goals are for you this year, and looking forward to ringing in 2019 in a healthier, happier body, mind, and spirit!

Happy New Year!! Want to share some fries?

I Miss Back When...

Time is running out for 2017. The clock is ticking off as we are only a few hours from midnight. And the ending of a year has always been a good time for reflecting on the past and looking forward to the future. The ending of this year has me wishing for times before. 

I miss back when I was little and my sister and I would play Barbies for hours on the blanket outside on the lawn. 

I miss back when I was in high school and hanging out with friends and still thinking that I would go to medical school and conquer the world. 

I miss back when I was in college and living in Seattle, “studying” for hours with my friend Jennifer and laughing about everything until we couldn’t breathe. 

I miss back when I first started my job and thought that I was the best SLP in the universe. 

I miss back when I first met my husband. I remember the long phone calls, the agonizing wait for the weekend when he would drive all the way from Wenatchee to see me, the excitement of dating and being together and learning about each other. 

I miss back when Amelia was a baby, smiley and sweet and snuggly. 

I miss back when I first became the momma of two. I miss seeing Amelia’s adoring eyes as she gently held her new sissy Emerson. 

I miss back when we were a family of four, thinking that we had it made and never even knowing what was just around the corner.

I miss back when Tom was here with us. I miss his crooked grin and the way he adored my girls. I miss his burping and farting. I miss him teasing me. I miss him bringing shoes to the house that I would always steal. I miss the gatherings where he was just there. I miss his motorcycle and his leather jacket and everything about him. 

I miss back when my grandma and grandpa were just through the field. I miss running through the tall grasses to get fresh berries or help grandpa or kiss grandma through the fence. 

I miss back when Clay was still alive. I miss hearing him call me “Sweet Pickles.” I miss play dates at Chuck E Cheese and the Bowling Alley and the mountain where he loved playing Gray Wolf. I miss our chats about drums and high school and the girls. I miss his sparkly eyes at my girls’ dance recitals. I miss his hugs. 

I miss back when my sister actually lived in Bremerton and I could run to her whenever I wanted. 

I miss back when we were the Duncan family. I miss my husband. I miss our family. I miss my girls having a dad. I miss our State Patrol family and our fire department family and our Cencom family. I miss thinking that my husband was a hero. I miss holding his hand, three quick kisses before we parted ways, the yellow roses he always bought me, having someone to come home to and talk to and love me. 

All of these back when moments? They all represent moments in time. Time that sucks away all too fast. Time that passes whether we are ready for it or not. And we find ourselves on a milestone of time tonight. As the seconds slip away, as the moments pass, we will all pause to think about 2017. To mourn its passing. To rejoice that it’s over. To mark the moments and their meaning for us. And then, as midnight strikes, we embrace 2018. 

The beginning of a new year symbolizes hope. Hope that the coming year will be better. Hope that we leave behind the bad of 2017. Hope that this year will be the best ever. 

The marks on the chalkboard are erased and we get to start over. Sort of. We walk into each year with the memories of the past. I am excited about the potential of a new year. I’ve made plans. I’ve written out goals. I’ve given a lot of thought to the year to come. But in the back of my mind, I think about my midnight. Another year without my husband to kiss me at midnight. Another year closer to being older. Another year of watching my parents age. Another year of watching my babies turn into young women before my eyes. My emotions swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. 

And then, in the midst of it all, I’m given the theme for the year for me and my prayer partner: Psalm 34:18  If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. 

She and I often see and hear “Be still!” Catching our breath. Taking a rest. God is in this time with us. He was in all my back when moments. He walked me through all those years, the goods ones and the bad ones. And in the worry and angst of a new year beginning, in the sadness and heartache of memories past, He is there. Helping us to be still. Helping us to catch our breath. Walking us into the new year filled with hope! 

So, as the clock ticks towards midnight and you find yourself counting down the seconds towards 2018, pause and think about your back when moments. And then think about the hope that fills the new year! And know that our Heavenly Father is with you as the time gets small, and He’s already waiting in 2018 as we begin counting down that year! He’s there to celebrate with you in the good. And He’s there to help us catch our breath in the bad.

I can’t wait to see where this new year takes us! And to make even more amazing back when memories! Happy New Year! May God bless you in 2018 and beyond! 

God Blessed the Broken Road...

My life is broken. Was broken. Has been broken. There are fractures and fragments of the journey that I have taken in this life strewn all over. Pieces of my heart and soul lay shattered along the reflections to the past. Life has been hard. And the scars that I have are deep and infected even at times, some not yet healed. But as I move forward in my faith and in my walk with Father God, the healing that is taking place can be looked at with wonder. 

This past week, another step of healing happened. The relationship that we have shared with Brian’s family has been tumultuous as best. It has been a journey of blame and heartache, shame and finger-pointing, anger and even questionable activity. I have often been left reeling from visits with them. I have attempted to involve them minimally and in a safe fashion to allow them to keep the connection to their grandchildren, but to also protect my heart and my children. So for a long time they got to attend dance recitals and that was it. A public location with family and friends where they could see the girls, give quick hugs at the end, and we could go on our merry way. We would meet in a public location for Christmas gift exchange. It was awkward and weird and always left my stomach in knots and my soul aching that this was how life had to be. Rather than all coming together for Christmas traditions with my husband and his loving family, we had been reduced to just trying to survive interactions underneath the strain of a suicide and some nasty fallout. 

Until this year. I have worked a lot on me and the journey that God wants me to take. This year when my mother-in-law texted back in November to pick a date to meet for our Christmas, I talked to the girls. We decided it was time to forgive and move forward. So, we planned a Christmas luncheon...in our home...and invited them to join us. 

Immediately, Satan went to work trying to derail this plan. My heart began to be unsettled. Things I hadn’t remembered about them were flooding into my memory. I received a card from a relative with what seemed to me like a warning. I began full on grieving the loss of my husband all over again. The steering pain in my heart like a festering wound that had the bandaid ripped off. Nightmares at night. Tears when I couldn’t sleep. The firm footing in my faith was slipping. I was questioning my decision to make this happen. I cried and lamented and prayed and asked Jesus to intervene. 

Then the day came. My house was cleaned and decorated for Christmas. My beautiful tree flowed and sparkled in the corner. The food was cooking and waiting for their arrival. They came. The anxiety melted away as we hugged and talked and ate and exchanged gifts. This visit was as normal as things have been for a long time. There was only love and peace and forgiveness. Some sadness at what things had occurred, and what things had become. Life was different. Brian is dead. His brother divorced. His niece and nephew young parents. And my mother-in-law’s poignant statement: This isn’t the life that we had planned at all, but we are making the best out of it. 

Yes! This! My life plan didn’t include my husband killing himself. It didn’t have room for an assault. It didn’t include losing my grandparents and my husband and Tom and Clay and so many others that I just thought would be around forever. It didn’t include the broken road that winds through my memory. But, the broken road that weaves its way through the tapestry of my life is my broken road. Blessed by God. He gifted me with so many amazing moments, so many wonderful people, so many memories that carry me through the times where all I can do is trip and stumble on the broken pieces. 

God blessed my broken road. Even in the moments that are horrible and terrible and bring me to my knees He was there. He was in every one of those moments, ready to carry me when I surrendered to Him and allowed Him to walk me down my broken road. 

Proverbs 3:6 in the Bible says, “submit to Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight.” He takes the broken roads that we find ourselves on often and lends them. Replaces the bricks, recements the cracks, paves the bumpy ways. He blesses our broken roads and makes our paths straights. He always makes a way to take any situation and make good out of it. It may not feel good at the time, but keep walking. Keep grieving. Keep forgiving. Keep moving forward one step at a time. He’s there, waiting for you to trust in Him. Waiting for you to call out for help. And He blesses your broken roads. He makes your paths straight. He helps you find the message in your mess. 

My message in my mess.  None of us planned this journey we’re on. But we all need to trust, have faith, know that God is using it for our good. He is blessing our broken road. And we will continue to move forward and heal. Our days will be filled with peace and faith and hope and love. We will grow stronger everyday as we walk in His truth and His grace!

Thank you, Father God, for blessing my broken road. I’m thankful for every loose brick, every crack, every pothole. Because they have made me into the faithful person I am today. They brought me friends and family I never knew I needed. They gifted me a prayer partner to walk me through these messages. They granted me strength, in myself and in my children. 

God blessed my broken road. And He’s blessing yours too! Just look for Him and listen for Him! He’s there! Making your paths straight!

All the Small Things...

Sometimes, it’s hard to fit into this world. It’s hard to feel anything but small. When you think about the expanse of the universe, you are one single little speck in this massive place. Even in the context of your own little corner you can sometimes feel...invisible. There are so many people. So many distractions. So many things that fill the time and space and area surrounding you. Often, when Kristi and I are walking to a football game, people will just plow into us and Kristi will turn and look at me and say, “Am I invisible? Can you see me right now?” In the hustle and bustle of life it sometimes feels as if you don’t fit in the world. You’re too small to have a space. You’re insignificant in the grand scheme of things. 

Things happen in life that add to this idea. It’s not just a space issue. It can be a heart issue too. It’s a lonely world at times, and it makes it hard to navigate life when you are unsure of how you fit into the scheme of things. In conversations with people we can all agree that life is so hard. And when life is hard it can be overwhelming and isolating and downright scary. There are many thoughts that float through my head in any given day. “Why do I matter?” “How do I fit into this picture?” “Where do I stand?” It’s a hard place to be, but I find myself there often. The world is so big and scary sometimes. And when you are a person with anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder or even just someone who has troubles with runaway thoughts, it can be even more so. 

Today was one of those harder days for me. It started off with very little sleep and just sort of spiraled from there. I was ready to go home and crawl into bed around 9:00 this morning. But I adulted though the rest of my day to make it to the end. I dropped my kids off at dance and I had a few choices of what I could do. Go home and sleep. Go somewhere and drink. Sit in my car and be alone. I opted for a walk. So I went to one of my favorite places and walked slowly through the darkening woods. I made it to one of my favorite spots to stop and talk to my Heavenly Father and I stopped and stood there and began to cry. Heartfelt prayers left my heart and my soul as I rocked back and forth in the middle of my spot, singing praises to Him in my head as I cast all my worries and cares onto Him. He whispered for me to open my eyes and when I did and I looked up into the heavens and the picture above is the view that I saw. Expansive trees towering tall over me. The last bit of daylight peeking through the treetops. For a split second I was overwhelmed again with the thought of being small. Insignificant. Unimportant. Standing at the base of the towering trees I felt tiny. And then the following verse popped into my head:

Matthew 6:26 - Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

I am so much more valuable to my Heavenly Father than the birds. More than the trees. More than the hustle and bustle that so often has my head swimming and searching for a firmer footing and elbowing to find my place. 

I am not insignificant. I am not nothing. I am not unimportant. To my Father, to my God, I am His most important treasure. I am the light in the night sky. I am the center of those tall and towering trees. I am so important to Him that He has a plan to love and cherish and take care of me all the days of my life, and even beyond! I am His precious daughter and He loves me. Now and forever. Amen!

What’s My Age Again...

I find myself standing on the verge of the clock ticking to my fortieth birthday. I can’t believe I’m going to be forty! Just as I marvel at the apparent time warp that has happened when I stare back at the faces of my children who are no longer babies, but young ladies, I find myself looking backwards trying to figure out where the last four decades have gone.

Many people fret about turning the big 4-0. Getting older depresses them. They are faced with mortality. They are reminded they’re on the downward slope to the end of life. And I suppose it could be hard to think that potentially I have lived half of my life. If I’m lucky...

People have asked me for months now if I’m anxious about being forty. My reply? I am excited! A fresh start! A new decade filled with potential and possibility. My first decade was filled with camping and playing with my sister. My teen years were stressful as I navigated grades and relationships and being picked on for various reasons. I knew my twenties would be better but it was more stress from college and grad school. I was assaulted. My grandfather passed away. But I met and married Brian in my last year of my twenties. The thirties would be my decade! I had Amelia. And then I had Emerson. And then my husband killed himself. Life unraveled. I developed seizures. Blah. 

So, am I dreading forty? No way! I am loving my life where I am in this moment. I am strong in my faith. I am dependent on my Heavenly Father for my needs and dreams. I am losing weight and feeling good and in the best shape of my life. My girls are happy and healthy. I have worked on my heart and forgiveness and moving forward with life. I am repairing relationships that were important to me at one time in life. I am happy and getting healthier. I am navigating through life feeling good. 

My blog has been about honesty and transparency. I have shared the good with the bad. So, in the spirit of being honest, I will share that as I move closer to my birthday that the feeling of excitement is still there. I am wide-eyed with anticipation that I am moving into a new decade that will be full or peace and love and hope and faith. But there is a feeling of sadness and heartache that is threatening to creep in and cloud out the joy that is in my heart. 

I am going to be forty. And with all of the excitement there is also a sometimes overwhelming sense of sadness. I didn’t think that I would be entering my midlife alone. At the end of my grandparents time together, they were celebrating their sixty-seventh anniversary together. A lifetime of love. That’s what I wanted. As I walked though my twenties I saw the time ticking away, my opportunity for lifetime love sucking away like the sand of time. I was overjoyed when I walked down the aisle towards Brian and the timeline to my lifetime of love started. 

When he died, the turmoil surrounding his desth tore me in two. I was now without the person who promised to love me forever. But he was also a monster that I didn’t recognize anymore. Sadness. Anger. Heartache. Apathy. Devastation. Relief. It’s hard to grieve when you don’t know whether to be sad or angry. 

These feelings are right at the surface as I stand at the halfway mark to life. I have ended my first half of life in turmoil, but also in victory as I have navigated through the process of healing. I am starting the last half in a place of peace and contentment, but with sadness creeping in as I start this journey alone, without my earthly life partner. I am so blessed with friends and family and people who are amazing and incredible and so supportive. The people reading this post, and so many more, have walked my little family out of the darkness with the help of Father God. And for these people I am so grateful. 

I miss my husband. My heart breaks and the tears sit right on the edge waiting to brim over and fall down my cheeks. I wish I was starting this next phase of my life with my partner. With the father of my children. With the one that God picked for me to start my family with. And then I remember that same God that picked Brian and started me on the path to the end of these first forty years. He has a plan. There’s a path for me. There’s a plan. I am right on track where I am supposed to be.

So, on the eve of my birthday, I am thanking Father God for the plans He has for me. For the lessons that I have learned. For the message in my mess. Every step I took in my first forty years has been directed and perfected by my Heavenly Father, to prepare me for the next forty years. I am so grateful to Him, grateful to the people who have walked beside me and in front of me and behind me thus far, urging me to continue. Cheering me on through the times I have struggled. Waiting for me to walk out of the fog and the darkness. 

So, happy birthday to me! The birth of a brand new decade. A brand new part of life. A brand new opportunity to serve my Lord and Savior. A brand new chance to try again with the things I struggled with before. Another chance to love and be loved. The beginning of a new life path gifted to me by God. Another chance for healing and moving forward and coming into the person God is growing me to be. More time to grieve and grow and gift others with my story and my testimony and my message. I can’t wait to be forty! I can’t wait for all God has in store for me! 

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord...