Never-Ending Story...

A few weeks ago, you may remember a post I wrote called "The End is Near." I wrote about how I was hot stuff and going to finish my Couch to 5K app that week and then "Oh no, what would I do next?!" Remember that? If not, you could always go back and read it now!

Well, here it is a few weeks later. A real-life 5K later. A second real-life 5K coming soon. And this happened today:

I did it! I finished the Couch to 5K app! Now it's back to Days of our Lives and Doughnuts, right? (I've never watched a soap opera in my life, by the way. I just liked the alliteration.) WRONG! My blog post a few weeks ago was not accurate. This is not the end. I am not done. I don't even really like the term 5K finisher. I'm not finished! I'll never be finished! I'm a beautiful, Godly work in progress. 

This maybe hit me like a ton of bricks just last week as I was walking around my campus on my lunch break. I wasn't the only teacher walking that day. Across campus I could see others. Skinnier, healthier, beautiful women walking on their lunch breaks also. And it hit me. Diet and exercise and health is a never-ending story. You're never done. I could be at goal weight and running marathons and I still wouldn't be done.

This isn't the first time that this thought has crossed my head. Not even close! The difference? Last time I would have quit. I would have thrown in the towel and said "It's not worth it! I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to weigh my food and measure how many corn flakes I get. I don't want to look at food and see a point value. I don't want to choose the apple over the brownie. I don't want to run for the rest of my life!" But that is not the message that is filling my head this time.

I DO want to keep this going! I DO want to be here to watch Amelia and Emerson graduate, go to college, have successful careers. I want to watch them get married and play with my grand babies. And me being alive and healthy has a lot to do with following through on those dreams. I need to keep going and more importantly I WANT to keep going. 

The same is true in my spiritual journey. It has been a painful growth process to get to where I am today. I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs to get to the point where I am at now. Where I can stand in the middle of this beautiful world with my arms and my head raised high and know that I am a blessed, loved daughter of the King. His creation! And I have a purpose in His kingdom. 

I have come a long ways. But that is also a never-ending story. The moments that are filled with demonic presence are terrifying at times. The visions that I see and the voices I hear fill my ears and my heart and I panic and am afraid...for a second. And then I know that I have an all-powerful, omniscient, omnipotent Heavenly Father walking with me, fighting those battles for me, winning victory on the cross many years ago for these moments right here. And the fear is gone and my strength is back and before I know it, my authority comes into play and those demons are toast. And I celebrate because it's over? For a little bit...and then I know that I ready my Armor of God and get prepared for the next attack. It's a never-ending story. Satan and his minions work very hard to throw me off track, to confuse me, to suck the wind out of my sails. So I keep my eyes on Father God, my heart on His word, and my head resting in His loving arms.

Faith and health: two never-ending stories. Two opportunities for growth and maturity. Two chances to make myself better. Two times when I will rest in His arms when I reach a milestone, and then pick up my armor to continue to fight on. It's not over. It's a process. A journey. And I am blessed to be right on course for both of them. 

I Will Try to Fix You...

I've always been a fixer. I work very hard with everything I do to fix things. Broken toys. Broken hearts. Broken trust. Just broken...I work very hard to read people and plan ahead and anticipate their needs. I overthink situations and try to figure out ways to make everyone ok. To make sure that everyone is happy and people are kind and good and everything is going the way it is supposed to. I feel like this is something that I have done since I was a very little girl. I try to fix things. To make them better. To make people happy. 

At what expense?

There are certain life moments that I think come around to define the direction a life might take. Certain moments where the world stops spinning and time stops if even for a second and you learn a lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I believe that I had the beginning of one of these moments yesterday. 

My friend and I have been talking a lot about meaning of life type stuff. Praying and faith and forgiveness and God and our future. This past week, I have been bombarded with devotionals and images and short stories and prayers that have to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is an important step in being done. In moving forward from something. In giving something that happened less power and less control than it should have. I took all of these reminders as a sign that something or someone was supposed to be forgiven. But what? There were obvious answers. People that have wronged me over life. People that were no longer welcome in my present but had left their ugly mark on my past. But going through the list I felt like I had forgiven those people. She suggested that perhaps the person I needed to forgive was me. 

My friend invited me to write a prayer out about it. That prayer needed to happen and I needed to write it out. So I silently sat in a room and began writing out my prayer. As ink flowed onto the paper I slowly realized that it was me. I hadn't forgiven myself. For a lot of things. I carried blame for a lot of things. Not that I had done anything wrong. But that I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't fix people. I couldn't fix myself. 

That realization also came with other thoughts and feelings. I don't like myself. In not forgiving myself, I had lost all confidence in my abilities. I wasn't worthy of anything because I was in situation after situation that was a disaster and I couldn't fix any of it. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my husband. I couldn't save my niece or my daughter. I failed a whole line of people. I couldn't fix any of it. And I couldn't forgive myself for any of that. 

And now I'm on this new journey.  Life is not crazy and is so good. I'm down fifty pounds and I'm running and getting healthy. And like a ton of bricks I admitted that I was scared. What if I got to the end of this journey and I still didn't like who I was? What if being at goal weight and being able to run further than I ever had before wasn't enough? What if I could never fix myself? 

For the last week, there have been several instances where I have heard Coldplay's song called "Fix You." I have written about songs a lot before. I don't feel like I've heard this song before this week but it's been out there, filling my ears often this week. I was watching a video a friend posted right before I was given this blog to write and that song came on. I stopped what I was doing to simply listen to the song and focus on the lyrics and as I was listening, the voice that I have come to trust and love whispered into my ear and told me that this was His song to me, except He wasn't simply going to "try to fix me" but that he was going to fix me. With certainty. My prayer that I wrote out last night, along with the combined prayer from my friend ignited the fire that I needed to know that I can't fix anything. I can't fix Brian. I can't go back and fix the bad things that have happened. I can't fix my own broken, bleeding heart. But I can pray. I can pray alone, but even bigger I can pray with friends and family and my kids. And I can trust that God will fix me. I will be fixed and whole and love myself again. But I can't do those things without Him. 

The lyrics of the song say: 

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you"

His light ignited my heart and my soul and my bones last night as I sat with my hands clasped in prayer with my friend. He showed me, with this song, that He is listening and drying my tears and walking me through this. And this blog, given to me just a short ten minutes ago, is His way of showing me that He is working to "fix me." That with love and hope and peace, a whole lotta friendship, a bunch of prayer, and a little bit of faith, He will fix me. And peace! Peace which passes all understanding because I don't have to worry about fixing anyone or anything. Not even myself. I can't fix anything. I can only have faith, trust Him, stay fervent in prayer, and just know that it is well! I only need to be still and know that His light will guide me home. And that home will include being comfortable in my own skin. That home is knowing that it's not up to me to fix anyone or anything. That home is knowing He will dry my tears and provide everything that I need. Lights will guide me home. Both to my Father's arms, and to my friends and family that will be there to pray with me and for me. 

You can't fix it. I hope you don't spend as

much time in blame and shame as I have thinking you can make it better, and that you know that God will walk you through this. He's Mr. Fix-It. He'll get the job done to perfection! Trust Him! He will fix you...

The End is Near...

When I started this little Couch to 5K adventure about fifteen weeks ago, I never would have guessed that I would actually make progress. That I would actually stick with it. That I would complete what I had started. And yet, this morning I started Week 8 of the app. A five minute warmup walk, a twenty-eight minute run, and a five minute cool down walk. Twenty-eight minutes! I never would have imagined that I would make it to running for twenty-eight minutes straight. And for those of you that are wondering, that is running almost a mile and a half to two miles straight without stopping. 

Many of my readers have read several of my blog posts and know that mostly these runs are anxiety producing for me. Until last week. No anxiety. No fear. No whining and complaining. Someone asked me yesterday when do you get to the point where you enjoy it. That made me smile because I never thought I would enjoy running. Me? Obese, out of shape me? Enjoy running? Well, it's happened! I started enjoying running when I hit running five minutes solid. Not because I was enjoying running, but because I was enjoying the accomplishment of running. But last week I can honestly say that I hit a point where I enjoy running. 

When I first started this process, it was anxiety. Fears. Tears. Panic. Knowing I could never make it to the end. Pain everywhere. Not being able to breathe. Wanting to quit with every fiber of my being. And start of last week? It was feeling my powerful legs kicking through each step. It was feeling my arms pumping in rhythm with every run motion. It was controlled, steady breathing. It was feeling my heart beat wildly with anticipation. It was focus and determination and knowing that my hard work was paying off. I am a runner. I love running. And although I'm grateful for the days that I take a break from running, there is even a twinge of sadness at the notion that it's not a run day. I am loving who I'm becoming. My weeks of running and building endurance and training have led me to this moment. I am two runs, two workouts away from completing the Couch to 5K app. And I am excited about meeting this goal. But then what?

The end is near. And then what happens? I don't stop running. I know that much. Celebrate? Maybe get some cake! There's a piece of me that is apprehensive to get to the end. That's worried about coming to the finality of not having the app anymore. Several plans have run through my head. I could start the app over and increase my speed. Or I could download the Couch to 10K program and keep going for longer distances. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I assume I'll figure it out once I reach that point. Over the next two days I increase to running thirty minutes and then thirty-five minutes to finish it out. I feel like I will most likely need to repeat this week a time or two to get it right. And I have faith that when I reach that endpoint I'll know exactly where I'm supposed to go from here. 

Just like my faith! The end is near...No, I'm not a doomsday-er. I don't look for signs and try to predict when our Saviour is coming back. But I know there will be an end. And unlike the apprehension of my app ending, I'm not worried about the ending of the world. I know exactly where I'll end up with this one. Jesus died to forgive our sins. He blessed us poor, miserable sinners with his life, and in turn with forgiveness and the opportunity to live for eternity with our Lord at the time when the world ends. He loved us that much! There's a plan for the end. And I will be living with my fellow believers and my Jesus! No workout necessary. No strict training regiment. No gym dues or blood, sweat, and tears on my part. Just blind faith! Just knowing that He has saved me from my sins and I get to spend eternity by His side! Just knowing that my faith in Him and His love for me is all I need!

The end is near! And my faith in God and my belief in Jesus's sacrifice for me will carry me through the ending and into the next phase of God's plan for me. Whether that is the end of my 5K app, or the end of the world! My path has been determined. And I am thankful that I get to hold my Savior's hand and follow where He leads. The end is near...but will soon be followed by glorious new beginnings! Amen!

Worst Case Scenario...

There are several pieces of me that are really good at coming up with worst case scenarios. There's the anxiety side that generates wild stories like during the time I lost Amelia in the crowd for a while at Seahawks Training Camp. She had started walking down towards the fence to get player autographs and I blinked for a second and I couldn't see her anymore. My eyes wildly searched the massive crowd of children below while I ran over to my friend to help me search. I walked up and down the crowd of people, my heart racing, and I began to cry, visualizing someone running down the hill with her or seeing her being crushed and trampled under the feet of the crowd. I was near hysterics when I looked up and saw her crooked little grin pushing through the crowd, holding her football and beaming, "Mom! I got Ricardo Lockette's autograph." When she saw I was crying and asked what was wrong I just hugged her and cried some more. She pulled away and side-eyed me and said, "Mommy! Seriously? I was just getting autographs!"

There's the post-traumatic stress disorder side of my that can also conjure up some wild, unsettling images. Smelling a certain cologne can make my heart race. Seeing a certain car makes it hard to breathe. Specific dates and times can make me fly into a panic attack. Worst case scenarios fly all over the place. 

So, why can't I use those talents for good? What does that mean? Well, I got the idea for this blog on my run today. Well, technically before my run today. I clicked on my running app and it wouldn't open. My first thought was panic. Oh no! What am I going to do? Emerson asked me what was wrong and I told her my app wouldn't open. Amelia grinned and said "Oh good! You don't have to run!" But I turned my phone off and opened the blinds in my room to give it time. And then I heard a voice. "You were worried! You want to run. Maybe you even like it?!" 

This voice made me stop and think about my last run. Remember my last run? It was terrible. I stopped twice in the middle of a twenty minute run and couldn't make it all the way through. I realized that on top of all the other changes I had made to my routine that day, I also didn't start with my usual prayer time before. This morning I did...and then I began my run. And this blog post flooded into my head. 

Worst case scenario. I've written often about my anxiety with running. And the tricks I've used to get around that anxiety. So, why am I so anxious? What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst case scenario? 

Worst case scenario: I'm still trying! I'm still moving! I'm still lapping everyone that's on the couch. 

Worst case scenario: I get exercise in no matter how far or how fast I walk or run. 

Worst case scenario: I pause my workout to breathe and learn that I can take care of myself and check in to make sure I'm feeling ok and still run for twenty minutes. Even if it's not twenty minutes straight.

Worst case scenario: My kids are seeing what their momma is capable of doing and they are seeing that they can exercise and be healthy too!

Those worst case scenarios are so much better than the anxiety-fueled ones. I can see the positive twist and I am proud of what I've accomplished. And that little voice was right! I panicked that I wouldn't be able to run! Not that I couldn't run without my app (that's another blog post for another day!) but I did panic that I couldn't run. I do enjoy it. I like how I feel when I'm running. I also really like how I feel when I'm done running!

I'm slowly learning not to live in the worst case scenarios. Father God walks with me, and runs with me, along this journey called life. He is always with me, and always with my children, and I need to have faith that He has us in the palm of His hand. He carries us through the bad runs and the lost in the crowd moments and He will care for us. I have faith that we don't need to worry about the worst case scenario because He's got this! He's got us! And when God is on our side, there is only a best case scenario in our future! Thank you, Father!!

Generalization...

One very important, but also frequently missed step, of communication therapy is generalization. Generalization, or carry-over, is the step towards the end of a course of treatment where you target the skills that you are working on OUTSIDE of the therapy room. For example, if I'm working on /r/ sounds with a kid, and they are close to mastery in the speech room, I will go observe them in the classroom, follow them to recess, and eat lunch with them to see if they are maintaining their skills in other locations of the school. It is still amazing to me that when I forget this step, or don't target it as heavily as I should, the student will say the sound perfectly in my room, but I can hear them saying it incorrectly as soon as they leave to walk down the hallway. Generalization is a very important step in the therapy process. It does the student no good to have mastery at 90% in conversational speech level with /r/ in the therapy room, but plummet to 20% accuracy in single words in the classroom setting. 

So, it's beyond me why I wouldn't have thought of generalization of my running patterns into other levels. I had this realization this morning as I crashed and burned during a twenty minute run. I've done the twenty minute run four times already, very successfully I might add. It wasn't easy but I was successful at it. Today? Not so much. I had to pause my workout twice. I still finished...still ran every second of those twenty minutes. I just didn't feel as strong as I usually do, and wasn't able to run the solid time. So disappointing. 

So, what was different? Why did I struggle? Sometimes you just have an off day. Sometimes you just have a bad run. My analysis? I haven't worked on generalization! Same time. Same pattern. Same outfit. Same music. Same everything. Until this morning. 

We're on spring break. I wanted to sleep in. I didn't want to get up at 6:00 a.m. and run like I usually do. So we laid in bed together and laughed and played and checked phones. I texted my friend and told her the last thing I wanted to do was run. So super positive start. And then I got out of bed around 9:00 to get ready for my run. My hair wouldn't stay in the pony tail just right and I hate hair touching my face when I run. I picked different pants and noticed they were sliding up my leg while I was running. I couldn't find my usual socks but the red socks with stars on them would do fine. How about I try a different album to listen to? Oh, and I might as well increase my speed. It was too much too fast I think. I didn't generalize my running skills to other scenarios. My groove was off. My mind was anywhere but on my running and I ended up having to stop. Twice. So disappointing. But important information for me to think about, especially since in two weeks I won't even be running on my treadmill but through the streets of Renton. 

But is all of that important to my run? It might be. It is in my head. The outfit. The songs. The treadmill. The pace. They are all familiar. I have learned that I am a runner through all of those things, with all of those rituals. But am I still a runner without them? Yes! I am! I am still a runner! And even with taking two breaks in the twenty minutes I am still a runner. I'm a more comfortable runner when I have the things that I need, or think that I need, but even without I am still a strong, beautiful, powerful running machine. 

The same is true for our faith life. There are rituals and frills and things that we do every Sunday or in every interaction with our Father that draw us closer to Him. Fancy dresses. Pretty hats. Same pew every Sunday. Certain songs. Communion. Only with certain pastors.  Bible verses we look to. But, what if things are different? What if the organist is absent that Sunday and we have a different organist. Or what if you're late and miss the opening hymn? What if you are helping your five-year-old get out of the car and her boot tears a whole in your nylons? What if a friend invites you to their church? Does it all fall apart? Do you lose your groove? Should you throw in the towel and just go home? Forget about your faith and abandon everything you hold dear in your heart?

No! Just as I kept running even though I had to stop, you can't let earthly rituals throw your faith off track. The frills? The songs? The pastor? Those are of man, not the core of your worship. Father God is the core. Jesus is the core. Holy Spirit is the core. All the rest is just extra bells and whistles to help you focus on the most important part. 

Kinda like my runs. The outfit and the songs and the treadmill are all extras. The core? Running! Getting healthy! Putting one foot in front of the other! But, you also need to remember to generalize. Be prepared to run (or have faith!) in situations that you are not comfortable in. 

God is growing me in my running. And He is growing me in my faith! I won't be thrown off track because things are different, or feel weird, or don't make sense. I will carry on, run through the different, and generalize my skills to other areas. I will power on, and continue training, for the 5Ks I will encounter, and for the good news of my Jesus that I'm to spread to others and the spiritual warfare He is preparing me for. I'll get my groove back, and keep it for good!  And then have the opportunity to share with others and teach them what I've earned! Amen!

Virtually Impossible...

I know a lot of my posts are about running. And maybe you're starting to roll your eyes whenever you begin to read one of my posts. So sorry...but it's pretty exciting when you start to become a runner, when you hated it with a passion before and really didn't even walk. 

I am an instant gratification kind of person. I need a carrot, a piece of cheese at the end of the maze, some sort of tangible reward for my hard work and dedication. I was "doing WeightWatchers online" for a long time. That's in quotes because I was really only paying money. It took me almost a year to realize I was basically the same weight I was when I started. I knew the meetings worked and this past September I walked into my first meeting in years and I haven't missed a single week yet. But it wasn't so much the meetings themselves, although I have come to realize they are just as important as anything else. It was the star stickers. And the charms. And the little, tangible prizes you get along your journey. Every five pounds they give you a 5 pound sticker for your weight loss record book. Every major milestone such as 5% lost, 10% lost, 25 pounds down, etc. you get a little charm to put on the keyrong they gave you for staying four weeks. I love getting these little rewards and celebrating those little milestones. And it must work because I got a five pound sticker this past week at weigh-in for losing 40 pounds! I've lost an Emerson! Wow!

Running was just running. No rewards, other than the pride of completing a workout. Or hitting my step count for the day. I've signed up for two 5K runs coming up soon. I'm sure most people look to see what the terrain might be like, or how much it costs. I first checked out the FAQ page to see if you got a medal. I'm not hauling this rear end through Seattle just for fun. I want something pretty and shiny to show off my work. 

I was telling a parent at my school about my 5K runs I had signed up for and she asked if I had heard of virtual races. I hadn't and she told me to check them out. I didn't think about it again until Facebook magically suggested I "like" a page called virtual strides. I checked it out. It is a company where you can sign up for races in either 5K, 10K, or half marathon. You complete it on your own, in your own time and at your own pace. When you do, you log your time onto your account, and they send you a medal for completing it! This was exactly what I needed! Incentive to work harder and run longer and have something to show for my work. An added bonus is that a portion of your registration fee goes to the charity sponsoring the run. My first virtual 5K completed was for the Epilepsy Foundaion. I thought that was appropriate! My medal was shipped yesterday! My second 5K was to help get service dogs to military personnel that need them. I logged that time yesterday. And I signed up for one over spring break that is a foundation for children who have lost a parent. Another important one for me to complete. And you get fun medals! And I get training time for my real life 5K races. Win-win all around!

So, what tangibles am I getting on my faith walk with God? Surely God isn't handing me stickers or medals for each leg of the journey that I complete. It's not like I read a chapter in my Bible study and he hands me a gold star. I don't get tangibles like that, but I do reap the rewards of what I sow. What do I get from this journey? I get to see two little girls thirsty for more of Him, asking for Bibles, reciting verses with me. I get deeper connections with my family. I got to attend our church's prayer vigil and pray with my girls for the people in our lives, and then read the entire passion story together and cry tears of sadness and then tears of joy as we read about the resurrection of our Lord. I get to have one-on-one conversations with God throughout my day, asking Him questions and thriving in a deeper relationship with Him. I get to share the good news of my faith with others, through my actions, through my voice, through the words in my blog. I get to experience incredible, deeply-seeded friendships with people who are experiencing the same thing. I get many, real-life benefits to my faith and my walk with Him. But the best part? I don't NEED tangibles in this journey. Faith is all I need. I need to have faith that He is with me always, carrying me forward, cheering me on, watching me succeed with each and every step. 

And more good news? That faith will carry me further than ever. If the star stickers went away, and if I didn't have medals, I would still be just fine! Because I have faith that the losing weight and the running and the becoming a better me is all part of His master plan. And really, all I need is Him. And He and His love are better than any star sticker or shiny medal could ever be. 

The Wall...

I've done an awful lot of bragging and talking myself up about my running. Twenty minute runs have happened and I have blogged about how proud I have been for making it to that point. I've posted about how I cope with the anxiety of running that long and that far. I've posted about the elation of making my goal and being at the point where I'm running more than I'm walking. 

I didn't post last week when I hit a wall. I've heard about runner's wall. Being someone that is not a runner, the only wall I ever knew about was Pink Floyd's. But there's a wall that runners hit. I believe that the actual "wall" that is most referred to is the last few miles of a marathon, which is twenty-six miles of running. I'm going to plead ignorance and tell you all that I hit MY wall on Friday.  

Twenty-five minutes. I was so confident as I was running. Twenty-five minutes is only five more minutes more than twenty. Piece of cake! I started running. I was confident. I was going to do this. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Thirteen minutes. Then I started not feeling great. I hit pause on my workout and just tried to breathe for a second. Hmm...something was different. I pushed start on the workout again. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes. Twenty-three minutes. I knew it was time to throw in the towel. I just couldn't run anymore. I lowered the treadmill speed to a walk and walked the rest of my workout. 

My wall...maybe not THE wall, but my wall nonetheless. I was so disappointed in myself. I tend to get a bit obsessive about things and when I have a workout written down in my weight loss jourmal and I don't complete it, I get upset. So all weekend I stewed about not making my goal and having to stop at twenty-three minutes. I had convinced myself that I was not going to be able to break past it. Twenty-five minutes would just be my wall. 

I hadn't realized that I also felt like my twenty minute runs were a fluke. That it was pure dumb luck that I had made my entire twenty minute run and it wasn't something that I could actually do. So, not feeling the best, with a fever and a headache I needed to run tonight. For twenty minutes. So I did! Three times of running for twenty minutes is no longer a fluke. I'm slowly turning into a runner. I'm slowly building up my endurance. And just as running twenty minutes is not a fluke, twenty-five minutes is not my wall. 

Just like my spiritual journey. My times of commitment and loyalty to my God and my Savior are not a fluke. I am committed to living life as Christ-like as I can. I've been through a lot of situations that threatened to strip me of my faith and my relationship with Father God, but just as I've run this race before, I found my way back onto the path and continue the race to the finish line. My faith may have hit a wall. I was floundering and struggling and not sure I would ever recover. Pausing the workout didn't seem like it would help. But I found my inner drive, and I pushed onward, and worked my way back to the race!

I will find my inner drive and make it past twenty-five minutes too. And if I don't, I won't give up! I will continue to push and continue to run twenty minute intervals to build up my endurance and my confidence and my strength. And before I know it, twenty-five minutes will be easy!

Just know that your hard work and dedication is not a fluke! You are a precious daughter or son of the King. And you are running the race to the finish line. And you might hit a wall, but our Heavenly Father sent His Son to die for us, and bust through those walls! Dig deep! Keep praying! Keep pushing through the tricks and nastiness of demons! You'll get there. And you'll find that Jesus will be there to carry you over any wall you may encounter!

Twenty-five minutes! How amazing that feeling will be when I make it past that! Hopefully soon, with the help of my Father! Twenty-five minutes...with no wall...