Better As A Memory

So, yesterday's blog post was about music. And it's kind of funny how things work out, but part of tonight's is going to be also. Like I said yesterday, there are many things that I can relate to a song. Even as things are evolving in life, I'm often playing out a song in my head that would relate to that person or that situation or that moment. My closest friends have ringtones on my phone that I equate with thoughts and feelings about them. Music is just important to me, and I think that I forget that until something happens and I need a song. I've also stated before that life in our house is much like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. Just when I think we are moving along well and things are happening and we are making progress, the bottom falls out and we are on a thrill ride. Tonight as I'm tucking Amelia into bed, I encountered one of those moments. She bowed her head, and I could tell right away that something was wrong. "Amelia?" "Can I talk to you about one more thing, mommy?" "Of course you can." "I think I'm a bad daughter." "Why on earth would you say that?" "Well, I like that we are a family of girls. I'm happy that we are a family of three. And that makes me feel like a bad little girl to daddy." Tears immediately welled up in my eyes as I thought of the struggle and the turmoil that goes through this little girl's head. I know that Amelia is smart and that she is not like your average six-year-old, and when it comes to stuff like this, and her making connections like this, I wish she wasn't so smart sometimes. "Amelia, that does not make you a bad daughter! AT ALL! Mommy thinks that way too!" "You do?" "Yes! Just yesterday I was telling my counselor that I was so happy with where our lives were and that I was so happy that I got to spend so much time with my girls and that I got to have just girls in my house. But, you know what? I told her that I felt like a bad person too." "You're not a bad person! Why would you think that?" I smiled and sighed and said, "For the same reason you think it makes you a bad daughter!" "Ohh...I see. We're not bad people, are we mommy?" "Amelia, do you remember what we talked about yesterday? How we needed to cry and be sad and move on and let it go?" "Yes." "Well, the feelings that we have right now are all part of that letting it go part! We can miss daddy if we want to. We can be sad that he died. But you know what? We can be happy to have just girls in our family. And we can be happy in our lives now. That just tells us that we are healing. That we're feeling better about things that happened and that we're going to be ok!" "That makes a lot of sense, mommy! So, it's OK that I like being a family of three?" "It's perfectly OK that you like being a family of three. You know what? I do too! No stinky boys!!" "Ha! You're right! No stinky boys! Well, until I marry my boyfriend at least..." "Yes, when you're forty." "Mommy!" We finished our "good nights" I tucked her into bed and I walked down the hallway to the living room and I cried. Tough stuff! And I honestly did JUST talk about this with my therapist. I am happy! I am in a place where I am happy. I have realized certain things about myself. I have changed. I have grown. And I am happy that we are a family of three. I'm happy that we get to make decisions about our future. I'm happy that there are things that I can try and put behind me. Do I get sad? Yup! My therapist made me cry just yesterday thinking about the loss of my husband. Saying those words out loud, and even typing them, send shivers down my spine and I get sad. Anger comes shortly after and those feelings of sadness dissipate, but all of those emotions are ok. For me and for Amelia, and maybe eventually for Emerson too. My celebrity boyfriend would have to be Kenny Chesney...with his hat ON. I love that man! I've been to a few of his concerts with my momma and he has to be my favorite. Other than the Seahawks I would probably choose to meet him. I love his songs. I love his voice. And he's not bad to look at either...with his hat ON. So, as I sat in the living room with tears running down my face thinking about the very grown up thoughts that my baby girl gets in her head sometimes, I decided to turn my iTunes on shuffle and the first song that started playing? Kenny Chesney's Better As A Memory. Yeah...what are the chances? So, I started crying a bit more, and then realized that this would be my blog post. I love the music, but even more I love the lyrics to songs. The meaning behind them and the way the words flow and what the words are saying...I'm sure that it's different for everyone. And maybe you are all looking at my interpretation of lyrics and thinking that I'm crazy. And maybe I am, but I'm the one writing the blog so I get to think what I want to, right? The last verse of this song struck me: Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel You never know where they're gonna land First you're spinning, then you're standing still Left holding a losing hand But one day you're gonna find someone And right away you'll know it's true That all of your seekin's done It's just a part of the passing through Right there in that moment You'll finally understand That I was better as a memory than as your man Better as a memory than as your man This is where we are right now! This is where I am! This is where Amelia is, I think. Brian was my husband and the father to my children. But now? I have come to realize that he is better as a memory. We are happy! We are getting over this! We are thriving even! Like I said, the roller coaster continues. We have tears that readily fall. We have more questions than answers. We have hard times and anger and fear and sadness. But today? Tonight? This week even? We are happy to be a family of three. We are happy to be a family of girls. That part in the song about "someday you're gonna find someone"? Maybe, but today at this moment that is not my end goal. I'm happy! I'm free to be my own person and make my own decisions and grow into the person that my Heavenly Father intended. We are happy with where God has chosen for us to be at this moment in time. So, better as a memory...and some days, not even there...