You're Beautiful, It's True

My previous blog, if any of you followed me before I started one more thing mommy, was on...well, I think I'm not 100% sure what it was on. I wanted it to be on my new and improved life. In fact, I called it a New Year to a New Me, I think. I tried to post everyday about how healthy I was and how awesome I was eating and how much weight I had lost. And I did OK with that for a while. But, I think that part of me threw that together to force myself to feel like everything was all better. If I could show people, or even myself, that I was together enough to be healthy and actually lose weight during what was some of the most stressful times of my life, then I could prove to everyone how strong I was, or maybe just even how OK I was. It has taken me a long time to be able to reflect back and actually admit to myself that I was strong. I am strong. The things that my daughters and I went through in the last few years is not something that I would wish on anyone, but we did it. We went through it. And there were definitely moments (and I'm using the term moments loosely here because that could be minutes, or it could be months) where I wasn't strong. Where I wanted to curl into a ball in the corner and pull the blankets over my head and disappear forever. Where I felt like the world would be a better place if I just ceased to exist, if I could lead my quiet existence in my home with my children and disappear into the everyday. But, that didn't seem like an option either, so I started my other blog. And I blogged about losing weight and cooking amazing dinners and all the daily, mundane things that I happened to blog about. And it was profound in the sense that for a while, for a few sentences every night, I could be just that. I could mundane. I could be a mommy blogger, talking about the perfect mixture of ground turkey for turkey burgers, or how I was stressed out and ate a cupcake. And, oh, by the way, I'm losing weight. I, the stress eater, was losing weight in a time where what really sounded good was binge eating Big Macs and Whoppers and Midnight Truffle Blizzards. So, for a few sentences, I got to pretend that I was mundane. And I could ignore the story that was between the lines. I could imagine that none of that other stuff ever happened because seriously, what would people rather read about? That I made the perfect turkey burger and lost five pounds or that I was a crying, depressed mess lost in a world that I didn't fit into anymore. And I failed. Miserably. I couldn't keep the façade going. I couldn't go on pretending that all was OK and I was getting healthy and I was kicking ass with this thing called life. I was pretending I was conquering everything, when really, inside, I was only conquering myself, and not in a good way. While I was losing weight and feeling good, I was slowly dying inside being in denial about everything. I was FINE! We were FINE! Everything was FINE! But it really wasn't. So, I took time to make sure it really was fine, that I really was in a good place and then I could worry about turkey burgers and losing weight. So, now I feel like I'm to that point. And I'm not sharing my weight loss journey as opening as I was on my previous blog. Although I appreciate the good wishes and the support from people, it needs to be a journey that I take for myself, at my own pace. So, that's what I'm doing. After a few months of being very happy while eating everything in sight, I have started back on track and will take my time in getting to where I need to be going. I have a lot of factors playing into this journey this time around. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in a very different place. I have a few different priorities in mind. I have some physical health things that may impact this round. And my expectations are a little bit different. I have been doing well with eating and counting points (I'm sticking with WeightWatchers because that is the system I know and love) for a week now, and I will say that my first weigh in this morning showed me 5.2 pounds lighter than last week, which was amazing! And just the first few baby steps to where I need to end up, but it's the journey not the destination, right? So, I will take it week by week, and I will have that Whopper if I want it, or the Midnight Truffle Blizzard. Amelia has been very invested in this. She and I have talked many times about my weight, how I feel about it, how I might need help, or reminders. It's a hard balance between wanting to be honest with my little girl about my feelings and letting her know that those feelings are OK, and the media that inundates us with reminders about body image and not letting our little girls grow up with negative feelings. It's hard as a fat mom. Yup...I said fat. And as many times as Dove wants to tell me that I'm beautiful or there's more to me that my weight, when I look in the mirror, there isn't any amount of positive self-talk that is going to change the roly-poly face I see looking back. And although I never want my beautiful little girls to think poorly of themselves, I also want to share the feelings that I have about being heavy, about being fat, because I don't want them to go through the same things that I have. I don't want them to be teased and picked on. I don't want them to have trouble walking or breathing. I don't want them to be unhealthy and have troubles with simple daily activities. I don't want them to get to the point where they are the first to crack a joke about being fat because you have to beat someone else to the punch to save face. Amelia and I were laying in bed together tonight, snuggling to get warm for the cold snowy air. She asked me how many pounds I lost and I told her. She held out her hand for a high-five and said, "That's what I'm talking about! I'm so proud of you!" I smiled and thanked her and then said, "What if I hadn't lost five pounds?" "What do you mean, mommy?" "What if I didn't do it. What if I hadn't lost five pounds?" "Well, I'd tell you that you'll get it next time and that I still love you. Because you are more to me than a number on the scale, mommy. I'd be proud of you if you didn't ever lose a single pound. I know that you want to, and I'll help you any way that I can, but you will always be my mommy, no matter what and you're beautiful, no matter what!" With tears in my eyes, I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. I love my little girls, and they love me. Amelia's words to me ring true, and I will hold them close to my heart. Because the accolades and praise of my six-year-old are better than any commercial anyone could ever make.