Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday nights at the Duncan house are ballet nights. Both of the girls are in ballet and tap, and last year Amelia added ballet to her list of classes. Emerson dances for an hour, and Amelia's lessons at the next hour and a half. They both love to dance and enjoy going to their lessons. Monday nights is also the night that I go to therapy, so this works out perfect for our schedule. Unfortunately after the girls are finished dancing, and I'm finished spilling my guts, we are all exhausted and starving and ready for home and homework and bath and bed. So, every Monday, after I'm done at counseling, I stop by Panera and pick up our dinner. We order the same thing every week and I'm looking forward to the day when it is just ready and waiting when I go into the restaurant to pick it up. It's become a fun tradition and something that I look forward to very much. I love sandwiches! They are my favorite and the Turkey Bacon Bravo and Tomato Basil Bread is delightful!! Emerson has been sick for the last few days so she did not dance tonight, but after therapy I stopped and picked up our Monday dinner and headed to the dance school to get Amelia. We were on our way home when Amelia asks, "Hey Mommy...what kind of cookie did you get me tonight?" Like I stated before, we pretty much always get the same thing, but the cookie usually varies. "Well, they didn't have any cookies left, and they also didn't have any apple juice left, so I didn't get any." Amelia lets out a little giggle in the back seat. "Hey, mommy...guess what? I just thought you said that we didn't get any cookies or any juice. So, what kind of cookie did you get us?" "They didn't have any cookies, Amelia. And they also didn't have any juice." "That is so weird! My hearing must be going! I swear that you said we didn't get any cookies or juice." I start to giggle in the front seat at my crazy girl. I look at her in the rear view mirror and smile, and she gives me a big grin back. "One more time, mommy. Let me clean my ears out a little. I think I must be going deaf because it sounded like you said that we didn't get cookies? Or juice?" "That's right! No cookies. No juice. No need for new ears!" She burst into fits of laughter. We made it home, ate dinner, and Emerson was too wiped out to even remember that we usually have cookies and juice, so no fight there. We finished up homework, jumped in the tub, washed hair, jumped out, got dressed, read books and I started in the tucking in process. I tucked Amelia in and knelt down next to her bed and gave her a kiss. I walked to the door and heard her "One more thing, mommy?" "What's that, Amelia?" "You know that I could really hear you when we were in the car, right?" "Yeah, I kinda figured that you could." "I was just teasing you, sort of." "What do you mean, sort of?" "Well, the first time I said it, I was really hoping I'd heard you wrong! But then when you didn't change your answer, I knew that I was doomed to not get a cookie or juice, but I was ok with that so instead of getting upset, I turned it into a joke!" "Well, thank you for not getting upset!" "You're welcome." "I love you. See you in the morning." "Hey mommy...one more thing?" I smiled and stepped back into the room. "What's up? "Wouldn't that be nice?" "What's that, sweetheart?" "Would it be nice if we only heard the things that we wanted to hear? If we never had to hear bad things like no more cookies or no more juice?" "That would be nice, wouldn't it? It's a crisis when there are no more cookies!" "Mommy, you're funny. But seriously, that broke my heart! And I was really hoping that I had just heard wrong." "I know. Maybe next time they'll bake more cookies!" "I hope so! Good night, mommy! I love you!" "I love you too!" and I walked down the hall to the living room. Wouldn't that be nice? What if only the positive things in life were revealed to us. What if there was no bad, no negative, no icky things that we had to hear. It seems so often anymore we are getting bad news. Someone has cancer. Someone has died. This person was in an accident. That person was assaulted. The wrongs of the world are piling up and there doesn't seem to be a day that goes by that someone isn't getting bad news. It is depressing and is sad. My heart hurts for people these days. There just isn't much good news. I went out for drinks with some friends the night of the blizzard of '14 and we were discussing students. Three out of four of us at the table that night were teachers, and it turned to our students. There are so many kids that are leading rough lives. We are given these children to love and teach and it is rough some days. They all have a backstory. They all have something they are fighting through at home. Single moms. Single dads. Siblings passed away. Depressed, angry children. CPS reports. No food in the house. Dirty clothes. No one to love them. Foster kids. It takes a toll on these poor, little babies, and on us as teachers. There are so many times where I get an e-mail from a teacher, or our learning specialist, or our special education teacher about needing to talk about this kid before I see them, or let me warn you about this meeting and what might come up. It's sad...heartbreaking! It's awful! I cry for these babies. I cry for these kids who are worried about going home to abusive parents, worried about if they're getting dinner that night, worried about so many things that they shouldn't have to be at such young ages. But, they do! And wouldn't it be nice if we could just say, "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right. Surely you didn't tell me that your mom left you in the night. Or, I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I don't think I heard that your little brother passed away." I wish it was just that I didn't hear right. Or that I needed to clean out my ears. This is also certainly true for my own life. Isn't is sad that the most devastating events in your life are always the ones that you remember so clearly. I will never forget standing in my kitchen when I got the call about Brian that night. I will never forget being on the phone with my mom when she called to tell me to hurry home...that my grandpa was very sick and wasn't going to make it much longer, and then when she called back just a few minutes later to tell me he was gone. I can remember the way it felt like there was a knife in my chest when I stood in front of my daddy and heard he had cancer. The hair still stands up on the back of my neck when I remember driving down the road towards home and seeing my grandmother's house engulfed in flames. The worst news sticks with you. If only it were as easy as just saying, "I'm sorry. I need to clean my ears. That can't be what you said." But, that's not the way it works. We are faced with sad, daunting news every day. But, it is so important to hear those words at the same time. Hear clearly what is going on, process it, and move forward into the next phase of life. Hear the words so that you can start on the plan to survive to the next morning. Embrace the change, listen to what you are being told, readjust, and move forward. Is it really that easy? Nope! There were many times when people were talking and I wanted to plug my ears and yell "La la la la la" at the top of my lungs so I couldn't hear what they were saying to me. Looking back, I feel truly blessed because in those moments when that would have been easier, God gave me the strength to listen, take it all in, plan, and move forward with each step that I was faced with. Sure, I fell apart later! I'm still falling apart some days, but I'm still making progress. I'm still planning and moving forward to each new phase. And there are days that I say, "Wait, I swear you said this, but I'm thinking I'm wrong." only to find out heard correctly. One saying that I found and kept around when I was going through hard times was "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain. But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way." So powerful! Some days, it's hard to not question the master plan of life. What exactly was He thinking for our future when he took my husband and the father of my children from us? I feel like I have gotten my answers over the years, but some days I still wonder that. And then I look for the strength that he blesses me with and I move forward, trying to complete the new path, the new plan that He has for us. As nice as it would be to be able to block out all of the icky things that we are presented with each day, just remember, if you can't hear the bad things, you're missing the good things too! Amelia could have blocked out hearing that there were no cookies, but she might has missed that I got her bread (her other favorite thing at Panera) instead. And I could have blocked out hearing that Brian was gone, but I would have missed all the amazing messages of love and hope from the people around us. So, listen! Take it all in! Be sad and cry for the bad, but always know that good is just around the corner!