Put Your Own Mask on First

I am a people pleaser. My whole life I have done things for the sole purpose of making sure that everyone around me was happy. I almost always listened to my parents and did what I was told. I also helped my sister clean up a lot of her messes too! Why? Because I wanted to make sure that my parents were happy with us and proud of us. I was a 4.0 student most of my life. I studied hard and worked my tail off to get the best GPA, the highest honors, the most awards. Why? I wanted my parents and my teachers to be happy with me. At work, I feel like I go above and beyond at times, and volunteer to do a lot of things that are not in my job description, or things that don't fit into my schedule. Why? I want to look have people feel like I'm a team player and I want to keep my bosses and colleagues happy. When I was married, I worked very hard to maintain peace in the house, making sure that everything was running smoothly and that there was no hate and discontent between anyone, or anything. Why? I wanted to make sure that Brian was happy. Over the years, and with the help of a lot of therapy (Ha!) I have learned that I am a people pleaser, and that isn't necessarily a good thing. You may be asking yourself, "How could wanting others to be happy be a bad thing?" Well, it's not a bad thing necessarily. But, when others' happiness comes at the expense of your own, it becomes a bad thing. I got so wrapped up in the feelings of other people around me, that I forgot to check in with myself and see how I was feeling. I was so worried with making my parents happy, and my friends happy, and my kids happy, and my coworkers happy, and my husband happy, and my bosses happy, and everyone else in my life happy, I was smothering myself. I wasn't happy. I looked happy! Everyone thought I was happy. I wasn't happy. I was stressed and tired and in a constant state of paranoia that I was ruining life for someone else. My missteps were causing someone else sadness or discomfort or pain and that wasn't ok. So, my next mission would be going above and beyond to fix whatever mess I had caused, to make things right in the world again, no matter how it made me feel. I was miserable. I have lots of opportunities to observe my six year old, and I am truly sad to say that she is a people pleaser also, and in the extreme sense that she is following in her mother's footsteps. I have watched her many times sacrifice her own happiness to make someone else happy. Whether it be me, or Emerson, or someone outside of our home. And tonight's just one more thing mommy moment highlights this perfectly. Last year for Valentine's Day, I bought Amelia a giant stuffed cow. She loves cows, and collects cows, and wants a cow, so this giant cow was the perfect gift for her. She loves this cow and usually uses it as her pillow. A few weeks ago, she left him in my bed, and I agree that he is an amazing pillow because since he was left behind, I've been using his soft, fluffy head as part of my pillow arrangement as well. The girls slept in my bed with me this past weekend and as Amelia was switching back to her bed last night, I watched as she carried the cow to her bed. Without thinking, I stammered, "Umm...are you taking your cow back to your bed?" "Umm...yes..." "Huh..." "What?" "Oh, nothing. I'm sure going to miss him." She wrinkled her nose at me, and rolled her eyes and said, "You sleep with him?" "Well, he's so soft! I've been sleeping on him, but he's YOUR cow, so you should sleep with him." She continued walking to her room, I tucked her in as we discussed football with each other and that was that. Or so I thought. Tonight, as I'm tucking Amelia into bed, she bows her head like she usually does when something is weighing on her mind. "What's wrong, Amelia?" "Mommy, I want you to have my cow back." "Why?" "Because, you were using him and I took him away from you!" "Amelia, don't be silly! I don't want him. I have my pillows and I'm fine! You keep him." "No, mommy...I insist!" "Uh, no, Amelia. Keep the cow!" "OK..." I kissed her goodnight and headed to Emerson's room to tuck her in. After I was done, I caught sight of Amelia running towards her room out of the corner of my eye. "Um, Amelia?" "Yes?" "Kid, if that cow is in my bed, I'm going to be upset with you!" "But, mommy! I want you to have him! I don't want him!" "You don't even have a pillow on your bed!" I cried as I walked into my room to find the cow thrown into my spot on the bed. I picked him up and tucked him under my arm, and grabbed her hand and led her back to her room. I placed the pillow at the head of her bed, tucked her in once more, and knelt down beside her bed. "Amelia, I need to talk to you about something." "What?" "You're a people pleaser." "What?" "You're a people pleaser. You want to do things for other people to make them happy and that's a wonderful thing, but you have to start doing things for yourself! You were going to give away your cow to me, even thought you don't have a pillow on your bed and you need him, and that's not right!" "Why? If you are happy, I'm happy!" "That's not good either, La!" "It isn't?" "Well, it is, but you can't base your happiness off of someone else! You have to be happy for you! If you don't take care of yourself and be happy for yourself, it's just like not putting your own mask on first in an emergency on an airplane!" "What emergency? There can be emergencies?" As soon as the words left my mouth, although an amazing analogy, I immediately regretted what I had said, especially in the throes of a trip planning that may involve a flight to California to see a certain someone I miss more than anything in the world. But, it was too late to take it back, so I spent the next twenty minutes explaining to Amelia that yes, planes can have emergencies, no I've never been on a plane that has had an emergency, and then explaining the procedure for what to do if the masks fall down in front of you. You know what I'm talking about, right? The flight attendant always tells you that if cabin pressure is lost, and the masks fall down in front of you that passengers with small children needing assistance should first make sure to put your own mask on first, and then assist those around you. "Why would you do that!? You want me to die?" "No, Amelia. If I put my mask on first, then I will stay alive and ok long enough to help you out. If I didn't put my mask on first, and we all got in trouble, that would been silly. It's the same way with day to day life. If we are always making sure that everyone around us is happy first, there won't be enough time or energy or love or happiness for us to be happy. And that's not how it should be! We need to take care of ourselves first. Make it so we are happy and healthy and can be around a while and THEN help others be happy. So, for example, with your cow. You want the cow? You want to sleep with the cow? Then you should keep the cow. Because if you give me the cow, you are not happy, and now you have no cow to keep you warm and cozy and help you sleep at night. And then I'm happy because you gave me your cow, but you are grumpy and tired and missing a cow. You have to put your own mask on first. Take care of yourself, and let others take care of themselves. Do you understand?" "Yes. I understand. But thinking about all of this talk about cows makes me want to giggle a little. And all I can see in my head is putting masks on cows and boy, do they look funny! So, I can't do nice things for people?" "Of course you can do nice things for people! It makes us feel good when we do nice things for people, and I want you to still be a nice, kind, loving little girl. But I don't want you to sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy. Try and do things that make you AND the other person happy! Get it?" "Yup! I do! Mommy, will you be ok without the cow tonight?" "I think I'll survive, Amelia! And if not, I can always go to the playroom and get Emerson's frog that I bought her." "Oh, mommy...don't be ridiculous! The frog will never be as good as the cow." "You're probably right, Amelia! I love you!" "I love you too, Mommy." I turned to walk down the hallway and I hear, "Mommy, please just one more thing?" "One more thing, Amelia." "Don't forget to put YOUR own mask on first! I want you to be happy too!" "Thanks for the reminder, La. How about we remind each other to do this? Sound good?" "Sounds good! I love you, Mommy!" I love our conversations with each other. She is such a wise soul and there are many things that I talk about with her that make me grateful to have her as my daughter. But, this is a call to you all also. Are you putting your own mask on first? Are you sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's? Too many times throughout life I was an anxious mess, worried that I was disappointing someone, or that someone wouldn't like me, or someone wasn't getting their way. Too many times, I stretched myself amazingly thin, worrying about adjusting everything to make it a favorable outcome for someone else. Too many times I was stretching and bending myself to the point of snapping so that someone else would stay cool and calm. And I still do this at times. I still find myself making choices that are not in my best interest. But then, I dig down and find my strength and know that I am bigger than this. That I deserve better than this. That my happiness is crucial to surviving the day to day dealings, and also the trauma that we have faced. If I'm not taking care of myself, then not only do I suffer, but my children suffer too. If I'm truly taking care of my family, then I need to do what's best for me in all situations. I can't please everyone, and I have finally learned that I need to please me in order to grow and thrive in this world. I need to put my own mask on first! So, how about you? Are you putting YOUR mask on first? If you're not, you should be!