Tonight at 11:00

I'm a fairly naïve person. I was raised to think that the world was wholesome and good and that there weren't too many horrible things that happened. We didn't watch much news growing up. We didn't watch anything that was over a PG rating for the most part. I grew up thinking that everything was safe and secure. Then, as I was growing up and entering junior high and high school, I began to realize on my own that life wasn't as grand and glorious as my little sheltered mind was thinking. I remember sitting in the cafeteria in ninth grade and watching a drug deal go down right at my lunch table. In high school, there were huge problems with gangs and fights, to the point where school was almost cancelled because of threats that were made. When I left for college and was out on my own, my eyes were opened even more to the fact that I did not live in a safe, secure world, but made the excuse that I had moved to Seattle. From a small farm in Bremerton to a University that is almost more than the entire population of my hometown was an eye opening experience. My six years in Seattle further demonstrated that we do not live in safe, secure times. Then, I moved back home. Oh home! Tiny, safe, secure, small-town home. And then I married Brian. Brian was a dispatcher for the Washington State Patrol for part of our marriage, and eventually was a dispatcher for Cencom. He was also a volunteer firefighter and EMT. And my small, safe, secure world shattered into a million pieces. Scanners were always on in our home. His pager was with us wherever we went. I heard call after call. I listened to him vent and cry and worry about things that happened while he was at his job, and I was horrified. Surely, these things weren't happening in my hometown. Not here. I live on a farm. We are a smaller town. Surely, this just wasn't possible. But, it was. And my eyes were opened even more. It can be frightening to realize that you are not as safe as you thought you were. Being a teacher in an elementary school, we often have drills. They used to just be fire drills and earthquake drills. Eventually, we started having lockdown drills, and we seem to practice those more often than the others anymore. As a teacher, it makes my skin crawl and my heart sink when our principal comes over the intercom and announces that we are in lockdown, even as a drill. With all of the school shootings that take place, my mind races to those visuals that we often witness over and over again on TV and it takes my breath away. It makes it worse when I look at the babies sitting around my table and start to play through the "what ifs" during these drills. What if someone was in the annex? What if someone somehow got into my room? What if I had to make a split second decision of how to best protect these children, these little people that their parents entrusted to me? Ugh...just typing these things out makes my stomach churn because I'm torn. Although I know that I would sacrifice myself in a heartbeat to save any one of the babies that I serve in my office, I know that my heart would be breaking in two as visions of my girls would come into view. What a choice to have to make! And I just can't even think about this anymore. My heart rips in two thinking about lockdowns and why on earth this is even something that we have to plan for! Our jobs as teachers should be just that. To teach! To teach our children to the best of our abilities and not have to think about potentially risking our lives to save theirs. To simply help them learn reading and writing and math and not have to worry about all of the impacts the unsafe, cruel world put on them anymore. I typically don't get to pick my girls' up from school unless I have a day off. However, their usual babysitter was not available this afternoon so they went to the child care. I had a meeting at work and when it was over I began making the drive to their school. As I got closer and closer I noticed helicopters hovering in the sky from a distance. "Huh," I thought, "I wonder what's going on." The next intersection another helicopter was flying in. "Sheesh! That's strange. Something big must be happening." The next intersection pulled it into perspective a little bit more and I realized that the helicopters could be hovering over the school, but I wasn't sure so I began making up scenarios about what could be happening. The next intersection it was painfully obvious that the helicopters were right over the girls' school and my heart set to panic. I hadn't heard from my mom, who works at their school so everything must be fine. But, what if it wasn't and she couldn't call and let me know. And then the images started going through my head. Shootings and bad guys. People injured. Amelia scared and wanting me. Emerson being stuck in daycare where she didn't want to be in the first place. My parents...and then I shoved those thoughts aside, tried my best to think more positively, and drove as quickly as I could. Then, I started passing police car after police car. Police cars parked on the side of the road. Police officers walking down the street and the panic began to set in again. I got to the school, got out of my truck, and noticed that the helicopters were indeed right over the school. I slowly walked into the school, which I took as a good sign that I could do this, and found my mom. I just looked at her and said, "What's wrong? Why are there helicopters?" and she told me they had been in lockdown at the very end of their day. That everything was fine. That the police had called and put them in lockdown because there was a stabbing and that they hadn't found the suspect. That my dad and the school principal stood guard outside the school, watching for a stranger, for an intruder while all of the kids were tucked safely away in their classrooms with their amazing teachers and daycare workers. Trying not to cry, I walked as fast as I could up to the daycare to sign my babies out and take them home. They ran to me and chatted about pictures they'd drawn and games they'd played, people that were in daycare and why did I have to come and pick them up so early. My heart rate slowed as we walked hand in hand back down to the school to finish our evening together. As I was tucking Emerson into bed tonight she said, "Guess what, mommy? "What, sweetheart?" "Ms. Rita, I mean MomMom, came on the intercom this afternoon and said some things. The daycare people told us that we were going to play the quiet game for a long time and guess what? MomMom said that we won the game!" Tears came quickly to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. Tears of gratitude to the amazing people that work with my children. My sweet Emerson was playing the quiet game. And she was so excited that she won! "Emerson, that's great! It sounds like you did an amazing job of playing the quiet game! I'm proud of you!" "Night, mommy!" "Good night, Emmy. I love you!" And then I walked to the next girl's room. "Amelia, how do you feel about what happened today at school?" "You mean the lockdown?" "Yeah, are you ok with everything?" "Yeah. It was kind of boring. We had to sit in our classroom in the dark and be really quiet. But, it was just a drill. Ms. D said we were just practicing." And then the conversation turned to drills and asking if we have drills and wondering if the white board in her room would stay attached to the wall in an earthquake because she's right next to it and checked it out and doesn't think she stands a chance being next to it. And once again, my heart was relieved! Those teachers did what the teachers at my school would do. They protected my kids. They walked them through a lockdown and they kept them calm and everything was fine. I am blessed! I have a school that my children love where the teachers love and care for the children. And I get to be a teacher in a school where I get to love and care for my children. It makes going to work and playing through scenarios such as lockdowns so much easier when I know that while I'm protecting other peoples' children, there will be people protecting mine for me. We live in scary, scary times. Stabbing and shootings. People killing innocent children. Rapes and pornography. My eyes are wide open and there are many days that I wish they weren't. Remember at the beginning that I said I'm naïve, but I just cannot wrap my head around the idea that one human would look at another human and have the desire to take their life. Or how a teacher can look at a student and think that sleeping with that student is ok. Or how people could look at innocent little toddlers, and infants too anymore, and kill or beat them. It's hard to think through some of the things that happen. And it is scary times. I wish I could go back to thinking the world was safe and secure. It makes our jobs as parents so much harder. Finding a balance between teaching the girls that they are safe and secure, yet also instilling in them that people can be bad and to not trust everyone. Do I go around paranoid and worried? Actually, I don't. In fact, sometimes I think that I am too far on the other side of that in that I myself am still trusting and naïve and not really afraid of anything. That can be a dangerous mix! Things have happened in my life that has tested my trust and my fear, and perhaps these things should have made me more cautious, but it didn't. I think that part of it is that I don't want to live my life in fear. I don't want to be one that pulls my kids out of school and stays home and hides from everything in fear. I can't live like that! And I think that my faith in God brings that into perspective for me. I know that there is some sort of plan out there for my girls and for me. Does this mean I'm not cautious? Absolutely not! I am careful. I follow the rules. I try to be smart about things. But, I also don't live in paranoid fear. If I'm driving to my daughters' school and something seems amiss, I will have fear. But I'm not going to stop living for fear! Amelia's parting words to me tonight were, "Mommy, I'm glad that we practiced the lockdown today. Now if a real one happens, we'll be ready!" I smiled and told her I was glad they practiced too. Life is practice! We learn from the experiences that we have. Good and bad! Things happen to us and we react. We can either grow and try to do it better next time. Or we freak out and bury our heads in the sand and we're still no more prepared than we were to begin with. So, I'm choosing to practice! I've made lots of mistakes, but I can guarantee when they come back around again, I won't make the same mistakes. Learn from your mistakes! Have faith that there's more to your plan! Don't live in fear! Except for maybe when the helicopters are hovering...