I Cannot Sleep…I Cannot Dream Tonight…

When things are off-kilter in my home, the first to go is our sleep.  My children are the same way.  Every morning for the last few weeks at least, I have been waking up little zombies every morning.  They whine and cry and beg for more time.  They throw little fits as I usher them to the shower and turn the water on, begging them to just shower, it’ll make you feel better.  That doesn’t work for our kind of tired.  The shower only makes you wet.  It doesn’t make you awake.  When the exhaustion creeps in and seeps into every crevice and every corner of your being, the water streaming onto your face only masks the tears for a little bit.  Things are off-kilter right now.  And our sleep is suffering.

Emerson, my usually chipper morning girl, trudges to the shower, crying and begging for it to be Friday so we can go to bed and sleep our way through the weekend.  Amelia, who is like her momma and could stay up all night long, has never been a morning person, but is even less so now.  Two mornings a week I wake her a bit earlier to jump in the shower first so she can catch a ride with my parents to school for early morning choir practice.  This morning’s wake up brought tears and begging me to let her skip choir and stay sleeping.  I coaxed her from under the covers and lied to her, telling her the shower would make her feel better.  When she was done she walked to the edge of my bed and grumbled, “Now I’m tired and wet and cold…” before she turned and walked to her room to pull clothes over her shivering little body.   And me?  I am used to no sleep.  It’s been a while since I’ve gotten the full amount of sleep I’m probably supposed to get.  Between babies and Brian dying and all that came with that package, sleep has sort of been an elusive dream at times.  It also doesn’t help that if I am processing something, it manifests itself in dreams, nightmares, night terrors, however I am going to work it all out.  I have been trapped in a night terror for three nights in a row now, searching for something, waiting for realizations to happen, and for my Father in heaven to eventually lead me down the healing path that I am destined for in this journey.  It’ll happen.  I never know how long it might take, but it’ll happen.

So, really, we all wake up little zombies.  I stagger my way through my day, fighting a five-day headache and wondering if I’ll make it until I can fall into my bed again tonight, knowing full well that I won’t be resting.  Knowing that I’ll be thinking and overthinking and wondering and then, when I do fall asleep, I’ll be fighting the demons in my nightmares.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep, so rather than fall into bed and risk being thrust into the darkness where I’m running and searching, and climbing, and crying, I force myself to stay awake.  Talking to friends and keeping them up until the wee hours of the morning so I can do anything but lay in bed and risk all of that all over again.

This morning, as I shooed Amelia out the door to choir, I jumped in the shower and cried.  Cried from exhaustion.  Cried because my babies are so tired.  Cried because my friends are not getting rest.  Cried because I’m so busy at work and my friends are sick or hurting.  Cried because people have lost loved ones.  Just cried.  One giant pity party.  Then, I could see Emerson’s figure outlined in the tinted glass of the shower door.  So, I stopped crying, got out of the shower, got dressed, and summoned her to the bed to snuggle with me.  She asked me why I was crying and I told her.  I told her that I was sad that we are all so tired and I wish that I could fix it.  And then, her tiny, sure, confident, also sleepy voice reminded me, “Um, you can’t fix any of this.  But God can!”  I smiled at her, and I grabbed my Bible and turned to Matthew 11:28 which reads, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  Emerson asked what that means and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I explained to her that it means that I am looking to find rest in all of the wrong places.  I am wanting rest in my big king-sized bed in the midst of troubles and heartaches.  I am wanting rest in my own head, fighting the demons by myself and relying on my own tenacity to get through this.  I am wanting rest from my headaches by worrying and panicking and thinking the worst.  I am wanting rest from the nightmares by working through things on my own and getting to the end of the dream so that I can solve…what?  This is not how I get rest.  I get rest by putting down the worries and the burdens and the pains and the fear.  I get rest by being still with Him and knowing that He is there and carrying me through all of this.  I get rest by praying and singing praises to the name of my Heavenly Father who is there to bolster me up, dust me off, and move me forward.  I get rest by letting go, and letting God.  He is the Master Planner.  He is the Wonderful Counselor.  He is the one that will walk us all through this, and give us rest.  Mathew 11:28.  God’s nighttime solution written just for me.  As I fight sleep and fight in my nightmares, He is standing next to my bed, holding my hand, wiping the tears from my eyes, and boldly stating: “Tammy, come to me.  You are weary and burdened.  I have rest waiting right here for you.” 

And this solution is for all of my friends and family, and even strangers that I don’t even know as well!  So, pray this out loud if you are struggling with nighttime issues, no sleep, insomnia, nighttime demonic attacks, nightmares, night terrors, whatever it is you are struggling with.  Insert your name at the beginning of this statement and read it knowing that it is presented in God’s sweet, gentle voice, “__________, come to me.  You are weary and burdened.  I have rest waiting right here for you.”

So, sleep tonight!  Sleep knowing that the Good Shepherd is standing beside your bed, wanting you to rest and find comfort in him.  The Shepherd will help you count sheep, and fall peacefully asleep in His loving presence.

All of Me...

The girls and I spent our morning off together at the movies watching the movie Sing. It was a very cute movie and such a nice chance to get away from everything with my kids. Sitting in a dark movie theater, it's the perfect time to just sit and think about nothing. Just enjoy a nice movie and enjoy the time away from it all. Except today, my mind was a million miles away from the movie theater as I thought and prayed and wondered about my friends who I knew had such a difficult night. My attention was torn between this cute movie and the six-year-old next to me asking a million questions like she always does during movies, and thoughts of my friends, weary and exhausted and being tormented by demons and difficulties and not feeling well.

As the movie played on the screen, my attention was being drawn towards the voice of Father God in my head, whispering messages for myself and for my friend. I was bringing my phone out occasionally to take notes on what I was thinking and hearing and needing to pass on, and also watching the scenes unfold on the giant screen in front of me. Gorillas planning a heist mixed in with words of being a woman of strength. A porcupine playing the guitar flashed across the screen just as I heard word of reading a passage out of 1 Samuel. The Bible in my vision flipped to Matthew just as a pig made plans to streamline her day.

The conversation with God started off on a message about being strong in the Lord, being a strong team and a strong union for Him and His glory. That the latest difficulties and setbacks we are experiencing are nothing for Him. We just need to obey Him and persevere and keep our eyes focused on our Lord and Savior.

Then, the gorilla on the screen began playing John Legend's song "All of Me". And tears welled in my eyes. All of me. Father God, I commit to you with all of me. In order to walk with Our Father and to remain faithful to Him, I commit to Him body, mind, spirit, and soul. He is the author and perfecter of my faith. He is the one that is omniscient and knows exactly the plans He has for me in my life. All of me.

I am not a perfect person by any means, but when it comes to friends and people, I am fiercely loyal. I tend to have just a handful of really close friends that I share with, and I cling to and treasure those friendships and relationships with my whole being. I have had the honor of walking through this part of my life with my friend Melody. What started out as a work relationship where I was intimidated by her expansive knowledge and no nonsense attitude around the special education meeting table we often shared soon turned into a bonded friendship that I wouldn't know what to do without her. And just a couple short years ago (I can't believe it's been years! Where does the time go?) we escalated our friendship even higher when we became prayer partners as well. Sharing God in our relationship has further bonded us on Christian love and respect for each other.  When things in our lives come up, where there used to be panicked tears and clinging to each other, we are getting better about turning it into prayer and turning it over to God. The basis for our relationship is prayer and faith and hope and peace and love. We have committed to praying together, taking communion together, reading devotions together, sharing our faith with each other. And the outcome has been incredible.

All of me. I commit to my bestie and prayer partner with all of me on this path and on this journey called life. Because being with her and being her prayer partner keeps me faithful and keeps my eyes on the important things in this life. Like Father God. Committing all of me to God, and also including Melody in that plan as my prayer partner, has deepened my faith to a level I have never experienced. When panic and heartache and difficulties set in, I have a different reaction than I used to. I would be riddled with anxiety and a wreck before too long. Now? I might have a quick anxious, panicked moment and then I realize that the God that I serve is so much bigger than anything I am going through. Anything I am experiencing. And in my feeling unbalanced and unsure and worried, I listen for His still voice because He'll be there. I just need to be still and listen for Him. And in the moments that I need some backup or extra reassurance, I turn to my friend and prayer partner, Melody. She reminds me that I am a daughter of the King. She reminds me that I am strong in the Lord. She reminds me that rather than throw words of anxiety and panic into the universe I simply need to turn to God in prayer. And we walk through those moments together.

We speak often about how God is all you need. Father God is the sole person that you need when walking through this life. He wants and needs all of me. All of my heart. All of my prayers. But, he gives us earthly companions to walk this journey with us and to remind us that He is with us and He has us in the palm of His hands. I have Melody. She is my person. My friend. My confidant. My prayer partner.

We all need a person. We all need someone who will prod us back on course when we are wandering aimlessly. We need someone who will drop to their knees and pray when the going gets rough. We all need a connection with someone who is there for us, and will remind us how amazing we are, and who is in charge and what our plan and purpose is. How blessed I am to have someone who is willing to give their all to me, and who I can give my all back! God and me and the best prayer partner ever. Find yours! Make that connection with someone! Give all of yourself to our Father, but also find someone to give your all to on this journey on earth.

Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." God is in the midst of prayer partners. He there when you're alone also, but when there is more than one believer gathers together, amazing things can happen! Melody and I have seen amazing things together on this journey! And we are faithful that even more amazing things are coming! We just need to be still, know that God is with us, and give all of ourselves to Him.

All of me. I give all of me to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I give all of me to the prayer and faith and hope and peace and love that surrounds my prayer partner and me. We were created for such a time as this, and great things happen when we are gathered in His name! Find your person! Find your prayer partner! Find the one that you want to walk through this crazy life with!

May God bless you on that journey, and may you find all of yourself on that journey! It's an amazing powerful path! And all of me is in for the ride!

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less...

On the way to work this morning, I prayed.  The whole way to work this morning, I prayed in tongue.  Something that I am not comfortable with at all.  Something that I do not feel gifted in at all.  Something that to me sounds more like a frog struggling to choke down a fly than prayer.  But it was all in tongue.  From the moment I hit Ridgetop, until I pulled into the parking lot at work.  And I sobbed all the way in also.  Coming over the crest of Ridgetop, it was like the sky opened and rays of sunshine beamed all over Silverdale, and over Maxim Mountain, and over my truck.  I was filled with the Holy Spirit and thus the praying in tongue and the sobbing.  It was so overwhelming, and so comforting.  I felt so loved and so helpless all at the same time.  And in the instant that I reached the light at the 303 interchange, I heard the words “Hope is real!” whispered into my ear.

I paused the praying and the crying, and my first thought was, “Of course hope is real!  That’s what we’ve been banking on for so long.  That’s what gets sucked away when we have doctor visit days.  That’s what we fight to get back to after talking to Swedish and doctors and nurses who are immersed in the everyday battles against glioblastoma.  But those doctors and nurses don’t have the hope that we have.”  Of course hope is real.

Thinking about the course that the doctors take in this seemingly losing battle, I realized that for so many people, hope is not real.  And this…this is our gift to others all around us.  Writing this not knowing what you are going to be telling me in a few hours, I am clinging to that hope.  I am clinging to seeing the words “IT IS GONE” come across my cell phone screen.  I am singing “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’s blood and righteousness.” And then the tears start falling again, because THIS is our mission right now from Father God.  THIS is what we are supposed to bring to others.  THIS is the most important thing that we are going to transfer to the non-believers and the sorta believers around us.  HOPE!

We have been the hopeless.  I have been the hopeless.  I have been one to sit, wondering what we are going to do without Clay in our lives.  I have jumped to the end and wondered what we are going to do.  I have been hopeless in this and felt totally alone and struggling with these emotions.  We cannot help ourselves out of this situation.  If we even tried, we would only end up with bigger feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that we find without Father God present.   I believe that this will be our message in the mess:  We have to strive to bring the news of Jesus Christ and all that He has to offer to others, the gift of hope, even when we are struggling to find that ourselves.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

The dictionary says that hope is “a feeling of optimism or a desire that something will happen.”  It is our job in this terrible situation, to show people our hope, and to bring hope to the situations that plague them also.  When we bring hope to others, we bring life.  It is life-changing what we are going through and what we have been through.  And not just the tumor!  Looking past the tumor, and the hope that we have found, this is life-changing!  When we bring hope, we bring life!  The hope that we have in Him is more than just asking God for something that we desire will happen, such as Clay’s complete healing; we have to amplify our hope and fully expect our miracle!  We need to pause and search for our answer somewhere among our praying, pleading, and expectation that God is going to answer our prayer.  I have faith that we will find exactly what we are looking for.  And that is the promise of restorative healing to Clay, and to all of us, that are part of this journey.  So many lives and hearts and souls will be saved because we have hope!

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..”  Psalms 27:13.

There are too many people in our world, in our communities, in our families that have lost hope.  There are so many hurts and problems and diseases.  So much cancer and heartache and broken families.  So many wars, political battles, and financial failures. It seems as if the world has no hope. 

Without God, the world is awful, dark, and hopeless.  But with the help of our Heavenly Father, we can make it through all of this. This situation that we're in? No matter what those scans say, there is hope! We maybe can't see it or feel it at times, but it is there for us! It is there within our grasp. Where is our hope? Our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus. Jesus Christ is where we go for hope. 

I Googled the phrase "Bible verses about hope" and found some sources for us:

Psalms 39:7 "And now, Lord, what do I wait for?  My hope is in You.”

Psalms 119:49 "Remember your promise to me, for it is my only hope."

Psalms 42:11 "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Psalms 33:18 "Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy.”

Faith. One of our other pillars plays into hope also. Have faith in Father God. He wants us to trust Him. We need to be in agreement with Him about this situation. Don't go by feelings. Don't live in the dread that we sink into because a doctor told us what he thinks will happen.  God does not want us to suffer.  God only has good plans for our lives.  Jeremiah tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. 

There is no disappointment or hopelessness and loneliness or helplessness. We have hope! Another of our pillars, love, God's love is in our hearts and that will help increase our hope, even if it's buried way beneath diagnoses and prognoses and pills and appointments and scans and fear and sadness. There is hope! God's word is still there to encourage us in these moments:

Romans 5:5 " Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

And our over-arching theme of STRONGER EVERYDAY comes into play with all of this too. The Bible is filled with words of "be strong, be of good courage, wait, fear God, strive for hope, wait patiently, be joyful in hope." Action words - our faith in action. Our faith comes alive when we are given words of hope and faith and peace and love. Speak these words of God over us and over this situation and hope will abound!

Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Psalms 119:74 "Those who fear You will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word."

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Romans 8:24 "For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?"

Romans 12:12 "Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer."

I speak life over Clay and over you and over this situation. You mean so very much to me, and as I write this blog post, I want so much more than these words I am typing for you!  I want it to help you remain steady in your hope.  I want it to show the world that, even in the face of a glioblastoma and difficult prognoses, that we have hope!  My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus...we will be of good courage, be strong, and wait on the Lord. We will trust Father God with our lives, with Clay's life. We will continue to speak the four pillars, and our overarching theme, upon our lives everyday: Faith, Hope, Peace, Love, Stronger Everyday. We will speak these over our lives. Everyday. These gifts from God will carry us through. Speak these words everyday...and watch what God will continue to do for us as we walk along this path, this journey.

HOPE: Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.."

PEACE: Philippians 4:7 “and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

FAITH: 1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

LOVE:I Corinthians 13:13 “And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Amen!

Just Forget the World

I have developed an internal mantra to help me cope with the day-to-day craziness that this world throws at me. I have written about it many times, and I preach it to my children often. "Be kind for we are all fighting battles..." Kindness goes a long way. And I don't think there is any other season in the year that screams and begs for kindness than Christmas. But it also seems to be the time of year where everyone is busy, things are chaotic, and patience runs thin. An example: I was driving through the Costco parking lot when a truck did not stop and raced across the road to the next aisle of parking spaces. My first reaction, with my children in the car, was to scowl and say (out loud) "Thanks for cutting me off, jerk face." And then, I sucked in my breath, asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness and then out loud said "I'm sorry for saying that. Merry Christmas." He couldn't hear either one of those exchanges. But I knew about them and I wasn't kind in my first reaction. 

Being kind is hard. Especially when you have your own stuff to contend with. I was trying to get a spot near the store so I could just run in and grab my gift and run back home. But maybe he was trying to do the same. We all start our moments with our own agendas. We all start thinking only of getting from point A to point B quickly and safely. We don't realize sometimes that there are millions upon millions of people in this world with a similar agenda. 

This reality came crashing down all around me this morning. This morning, I had to work hard to be kind. I had to work hard to see the perspective of other people. People that I didn't want to see their perspective or maybe even be kind to them. Who are these people? My in-laws. 

When Brian passed away there was a lot of hate and discontent. There were a lot of little events that were direct domino effects from Brian's suicide. Brian killed himself and as if that wasn't bad enough, there were a lot of things happening on the peripheral that were just as crushing as that first initial event. 

Even though I write a blog I am a very private person. My very best friends might argue with me because once I am comfortable with someone I spill my guts to anyone who will listen, but it takes me a while to share with people. And there are events that happened during that time that only my closest people know about. Some of those events triggered hate and discontent between my family and my in-laws. We were all reeling, working so very hard to simply get from point A to point B, but not really even knowing where point B was. I felt like I was wandering aimlessly through life, hoping I eventually made it to point B. And by the grace of God, and the help of family and friends, we made it to point B. We staggered out of the wilderness and landed in a place of peace and grace and mercy, knowing that we were safe and comfortable and that God was going to carry us through. 

This morning we did Christmas with my in-laws. We met at the McDonalds in Poulsbo because I need boundaries in my home and I need to feel safe and I need my children to feel safe.  So that happens on public turf so that it takes it out of the home that we have worked so hard to make our refuge on a time of chaos.

Sitting at the table and watching them and hearing them talk about their lives made me realize how much kindness they need. The lines and the age across their faces tell the story about the last six years. I was reeling losing a husband and the joy of a future as a family. They lost a brother and a son and an uncle and a grandson. I was learning secret after secret and trying to figure out how to build my life over from the ground up. They were trying to figure out how their life was going to look in the chaos and the trials also. We were all trying to get from point A to point B. Watching them all today I think they are still trying to figure out how to get to point B. They looked sad and lost and hopeless and my heart broke for them.


It has impacted me all day. Thinking about my life and how much it has changed and thinking about their lives and how much they have changed. One life event was the catalyst to a whole series of events, and still triggers events and feelings and emotions for all of us. I don't know that I will ever allow them into my home. I don't know that I will ever be able to go to Sequim to see them. I don't know that I will ever be able to interact with them and not have some sort of flashback or memory or anxiety. But, today there was a new feeling. A feeling of sorrow and pity and forgiveness. 

I have been blessed! So very blessed! My journey has not been easy, but I have fought and clawed and prayed my way to where I am today. I am confident in who I am and I love the family that I have raised. Looking at them I had to desire to share with them the life that I have found. The peace of God, which passes all understanding. The joy of being a daughter of the King! He heals! He redeems! He carried me through and set me up on my feet. I am in such a good place right now and I know that I am here because of Him and the relationship that I have forged with Him. 

Listening to the damage that continues on their life, and being someone that wants to fix everything, I have been praying for them since we left them. Praying that God will intervene on their lives and bring them the peace that He is capable of. Praying that God would place forgiveness in my heart so that I may approach them with how good life can be. Praying that God would help me realize that they are lost like I was, and simply looking for their Point B where they can finally exist in the world and not wish to forget the world. Because I've been to that point. The point where I just want to crawl into bed and forget the world, and hope that the world would just forget me also. 

My heart hurts for them. They lost someone that day six years ago too. And they are just trying to find point B still. I hope and pray that God has a plan for them to find their point B. I know He does! He is amazing and powerful and so very loving. And maybe it's my job to help them find point B. Or maybe it's simply my job to be kind and pray. They are fighting intense battles still. And my heart hurts for them because I know just how lost you can get on this journey. So I forgive. And I pray. And I cry tears for them. And I plead that God will guide them in their journey just as He guided me in mine, and continues to guide me in mine. 

I will also continue to pray for guidance in this journey as I work to forgive and want them to continue on their journey, but also guard my heart and my soul and my mind. I don't want to sacrifice my progress, the progress of my family, for anyone else's progress. But I do want the joy that I have experienced for them. 

So my advice to them, and to anyone else that might be struggling to get from point A to point B? Just forget the world, and turn instead to Our Heavenly Father for guidance and direction. He has the map to your life path. He knows where He wants and needs you to go. You might as well just turn to Him for directions. 

My thoughts and prayers are with my inlaws. And with all people fighting battles. We all need kindness. We all need help in fighting those battles. And we all need Jesus. He'll carry you through. He'll carry them through. He'll carry us through. We just have to let Him! Forget the world. But be kind. For we are all fighting battles...

Tis the Season...

Six years should be more than enough time to get over anything, don't you think? And all of the lessons for hope and love and joy and happiness I have received and written about should be enough to get me over the rest of whatever is dragging me down, right?  Well, even with new found happiness and so much healing and finding peace there are still days that are just hard. There are still days when all I really want is my best friend and a box of tissues and a couch. In this case I'm settling for a warm bath and a blog post in process instead.

Holidays are my favorite! But they can be so very hard when plans change and the course of life is altered. I miss having a husband to share Christmas secrets with. I miss having someone to help me in the chaos and clutter of the season. Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family who have offered to help me, and I appreciate every one of you, but it's just not the same. Walking through Costco and wondering if this coat for Emerson would be perfect and knowing that I have to make that decision all on my own. Picking up the book for Amelia and wishing I could turn to Brian with elation and show him my find. It's hard when those memories flood in and there's just an outline and a shadow of what could have been.

Past years have been easier for me. This one is harder, I think, because there is so much going on. Breaking my foot was not in the best timing. Our house is not decorated. We decided it would be easier if the boxes just stayed in the shed until next year. We decorated our tree tonight. I held back tears as my excited girls hung ornaments on the tree.  Getting the tree took a lot and I mostly settled on a tree that was close to the top so I wouldn't have to trudge with my crutches through the snow. No lights adorn my tree this year. I wasn't sure which box they were in. I also wasn't sure where our stockings were located so those won't be part of this year's tradition. I told the girls that Santa will pile their gifts for them on the couch. He won't need stockings but I'm still sad about it. Amelia doesn't feel well. My parents are super sick. I realized tonight that I didn't order letters or videos from Santa for my girls. And we haven't even gone to see him yet.

Things this year are different. And I have been working hard to not cry the closer we get to Christmas Day. And then when I pause and think about things, I feel badly because I have so many friends who are hurting and sick and also maybe not looking forward to Christmas. Friends who have lost loved ones in the last few weeks. Friends who are fighting for their lives. Friends who have had life-altering diagnoses in their families. And I feel selfish. I'm worried that my tree has no lights? 

Christmas will still come without those things. And I have very forgiving little girls. They understand why we aren't decorating. They exclaim that this is the best tree ever knowing I'm sad about it. They tell me they don't care about not having their stockings.

These things are not important anyways! Christmas is not about stockings and lights and ornaments. It's not about presents and packages. It's not about any of those things. 

Christmas is about love and faith and peace and hope. Christmas is about the story of a baby that was born to save the world from sin and death and Satan. Christmas is about loving the people that God has sent us. Christmas is about remembering the people that touched our lives and graced earth with their presence, even if it wasn't for long enough. Christmas is about light and life and forgiveness. 

Luke 2 is the Christmas story that matters:  8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.” 

This is the story that matters. This story is what carries me through the days when I want to cry and just close my eyes and just forget the world. This story is what reminds me of the best of my days. This story is where I close my eyes and wait for the miracles of Christmas, the miracles that my friends and family and I hope on. This is the story that reminds me just how much my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and the people that are so important to me. 

Christmas is going to come. The baby is going to be born and we will be reminded of our Savior who was sent to save us. The tears that I cry in sadness and grief will be momentary and will soon be taken over by tears of joy in the promises of mercy and grace and peace from my Father. He doesn't need lights or decorations or fancy dinners. He'll come regardless of all of those things. He'll come to me in my sadness and grief and bolster me up in His love and goodness. And He'll grant healing and comfort to those around me also. 

He is so powerful and so loving. And in my moments in the store or on Christmas Eve when I'm sad about setting up Christmas all alone, He'll remind me that I'm not alone. That He is there with me, loving me, holding me, walking me along the path that He has planned for me. 

I am not alone. And Christmas will still come! There wasn't much fanfare in the stable that night as Jesus lay in the manger in that cold stable surrounded by animals. And Christmas will still come today, without fanfare. We worship the baby. That's all He asks. We remember and worship the baby. “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Amen!

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Life is a funny thing.  So many things happen that remind us that tomorrow is not promised.  Something as simple as foot surgery a few weeks ago brought mortality to the forefront of my mind.  As we did the pre-surgery checklist, they asked me if I had a living will, asked what religion I was and if I wanted a pastor called if anything went wrong, asked who my next of kin was.  All of those questions bring about thinking about the "what ifs" and "what would happens."  Having gone through the experience of Brian killing himself, and not having a will in place for either one of us, and the hassle that brought on to me, I accomplished those tasks for myself shortly after his death, especially knowing that I was the last one around responsible for my daughters.  So, yes I have a living will, and yes I have a last will and testament.  And, since I have you as a captive audience, please take the time to get those things done and in place!  It always seemed like something that was so far off in the distance, and yet in the blink of an eye, my husband was dead and I was left to pick up the pieces.  Without those pieces in place, it was much more difficult to get through that process.  So, my public service announcement is GET IT DONE!

There was a time in my life that I worried a lot about the future.  I worried about what tomorrow would bring.  I worried about what would happen.  I worried about my children and my family and my friends.  I worried about them getting sick or dying or being one more person that would leave me behind here on this earth.  My heart would break into a million pieces each time the phone rang with bad news.  I carried that burden so heavily.  Losing Brian was a huge blow for me, even though I can see the blessings of that process, it was still a moment that sucked the wind out of my sails, and left me shaken and feeling so alone and uncertain. 

Then the call about Tom having cancer.  My other dad and the friend that had been a part of my life for so many years had lung cancer.  And before I knew it, they were telling us he only had a couple months and I couldn't believe it.  Flashbacks and worrying and anxiety filled my heart and my head and I was beside myself with fear and worry.  I didn't know what I would do.  I couldn't believe that I was losing another person, another member of my family.

Fast-forward a couple years and here I am once again, facing the diagnosis of a friend who is more like family.  A brain tumor.  Inoperable.  We'll try this, but there's not much we can do.  And in the beginning of October, I felt the same waves of panic and worry and anxiety and helplessness.  I can't do this again.  I can't go through this and lose another person that is oh so close to my heart.  I wanted to run and panic and stomp my feet, and there are still days that I want to do that, but this time, things are different.  Things are different because I have a friend and a prayer partner that I get to walk this journey with.  We get to listen to what the doctors tell us, and know that Our God is much more powerful than any of the doctors and what they tell us.  We can hear the diagnoses and the prognoses of the doctors and choose to believe God's word instead.  That God can heal Clay.

God has filled my heart and my soul and my mind with peace and hope and love and faith.  Those four pillars, those four attributes of Christian life are carrying us through this journey and things are different.  God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow.  In fact, he tells us that in Matthew 6:34 which says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  We are not supposed to worry about tomorrow.  Today has enough worries of its own, but He doesn't want us to worry about today either!  He doesn't want us to worry at all, because He has got us!  He is carrying us through today too! 

Philippians 4:6-7 is one passage in the Bible where God tells us not to worry.  It says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Do not worry.  There are over 300 times in the Bible that God tells us not to worry!  We are not supposed to worry.  We are supposed to trust in His divine plan for our lives.

So, that is how I am choosing to live in this moment.  My friend, and other dad, Clay, finished his last radiation and chemotherapy treatment today for a glioblastoma tumor in his brain.  I will admit that I have been a wreck for parts of this journey, but I am finding myself stronger everyday, as he is also finding himself stronger everyday.  We are choosing to not worry, but to pray instead.  We are choosing to turn to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in this journey, and to walk each other through this time with faith and love and peace and hope.  And prayer!  We are fighting this tumor with prayer and petition to God, our Father.  God is in control of this journey!  And He has promised us TODAY. 

Watching Clay and Melody and their faith on this journey has been miraculous and inspirational.  They are taking one day at a time, to live for Christ, to live as a testimony to Him and His plan for their lives.  And I am humbled and honored to be on this journey with them.  We are celebrating the life and time that Jesus gives us each day.  And I am choosing to reflect that in my own life.  The day that we wake up is the day that God has promised to us.  So, we live the day that we are in to the fullest, and we don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow.  We pray, and we love, and we live to the fullest the day that we are in!

We also pray for complete healing for all of us!  Healing of a broken bone in my foot.  Healing of a cough that Amelia has picked up because, of course, it's Christmas break so one of us should be sick.  Healing of soul wounds that we all pick up on this journey called life.  Healing of a glioblastoma tumor in a brain.  Our Heavenly Father is so very capable of healing all of these!  And we have faith that He will show His healing miracles to each and every one of us, no matter how big or small our concerns are!  God is the God of miracles, and He wants us all to be able to perform in His kingdom!

So, I ask that you pause for today, for this second right now that you are reading this blog post, and pray!  Pray for healing for whatever attacks and assaults the enemy is producing in your lives.  Pray for deliverance from these difficulties.  Pray for healing for your hearts and your souls and your bodies.  Pray for healing for Clay Maxim, that God would dissolve the tumor in his brain and bring Him to complete restoration to function the way God intended for him to function.

Pray for healing for you and your life.  That God would remind you to live for today.  Live in the present moment.  Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings trouble of its own.  Just live in today.  Tomorrow may not come...tomorrow may never come.  Tomorrow didn't come for Brian.  Tomorrow didn't come for Tom.  Tomorrow may not come for us.  So, live for today!  Live for the miracles that God grants us today!  Live for faith and hope and peace and love.  Live to get stronger everyday!  Live for the joy that God grants us in today!  So many blessings abound in each moment of each day!  Pause to look for those moments!  Pause to look for those blessings!  Pause to pray for those blessings!  Find a prayer partner to share in those moments, a friend, a bestie, someone you can share your walk with!  And pray for today.

Tomorrow may never come and when I think too far into that, that is where my worry and my angst begin, and those thoughts and feelings are not from God.  So, I turn my mind to today.  Tomorrow may never come, but I'm not thinking about that.  I'm too busy loving and living for today!  Loving the people that God blessed me with, and enjoying the minutes of today where I get to hold them and love them and pray for them.  If tomorrow never comes...that's OK because I know that I lived for today...

A Lamp Unto my Feet...

My phone upgraded about a week ago in the middle of the night.  I didn't want it to.  And I was even more mad when I went to write a blog post, and found out that the Blogger app is no longer compatible with my new iPhone upgrade.  What?!  I don't blog on the computer.  I blog on my phone.   When Father God tells me it's time to write, I grab my phone and write.  And although I do own a computer, God seems to have a sense of humor when it's time to write, and it's not usually when and where I have access to my computer.  So, I have access to my computer right now.  I was scrolling through Facebook, and messaging friends, and e-mailing family.  And I heard..."Uhh...how about you blog since you're sitting there.  No excuses, Duncan!"  So...here I sit in front of the computer, blogging.  I hope it flows as well as it does when I'm on my phone app.  My OCD is showing maybe!

A Lamp Unto my Feet...that title was given to me a week ago, the morning of the big upgrade.  I knew what I was supposed to write about and I grabbed my phone, only to have my app shut down on me a few times.  Then, a courtesy pop-up on my phone, telling me that my Blogger app wasn't compatible.  So, I've had a few opportunities to think about this blog over the week.  And tweak it and stew about it and write it over and over in my mind.  So, I sit here in front of the computer, ready to roll.

Saturday, November 5th, was just another Saturday.  We had Nutcracker rehearsal at the dance school.  When we were finished, I came home and ran 5 miles, cooked dinner, and cleaned up my kitchen.  I remembered that there were some dishes from a snack I had made the girls on the living room table so I walked through my kitchen towards the dining room, stepping over the box that I had just unloaded the contents of into my freezer.  I didn't see the coat on the floor on the other side of the box, stepped on it, slipped, and ended up on the ground in the entryway to my back door.  I laid there, trying to assess the damage to myself.  A shoe jabbing into my side.  My ribs seems fine.  Fully landing on my already weird hip joint.  I could move my leg perfectly, although it was sore.  I seemed ok.  I mustered up the energy to stand up when I felt searing pain in my right foot.  I hobbled to a chair, took off my shoe, and knew something was wrong.  Long story short, I broke my foot.  A few x-rays, a boot and crutches, and a specialist later, I now know my foot requires surgery.

I have tried to maintain a positive outlook through this experience.  It's not a big deal.  It's just a foot.  It could be so much worse.  I'll be FINE!  But there are moments of frustration.  The hassle of using crutches or a walker or just having to sit.  The pain each time I take my foot in and out of my boot.  The fear and slight panic of having to have surgery done.  The constant reminder in my bedroom of a treadmill that is sitting idle, after all of my hard work and dedication to a healthier me.  The loss that I feel for that piece seems to get stronger as the days pass.

But I know that God has led me to this moment for a reason.  He has prepared me for this moment, and has laid out a plan for me.  For the last few weeks, I have clearly heard the message BE STILL!  It has been whispered into my ear, placed all over Facebook posts and memes, written on pictures on walls of places I have been.  And I would smile and nod my head and say, "Yes, I know.  Be still!"  But I didn't do anything to make myself still necessarily.  This has made me slow down, even if for a few moments in time.

My Grandma Kubert's favorite verse was Psalm 119:105:  Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  To this day, when we sing this song in church, my dad's eyes well up with tears as he remembers his momma.  I have done a lot of reading devotionals and reading the Bible and praying lately.  And not being able to do much and having to be still in a chair for a while has only worked to increase this habit.  And it is so true!  Everything that I am going through, everything that the people I love are going through, has an answer in His word.  And God provides us those answers and insights at the exact moment that we need them, a light unto our paths.  The journey that I have been on over the last few years has led us to certain moments in our lives, and I can look back and see these moments for what they are - lessons and blessings from Our Heavenly Father as He guides me down the path for my life.  And this little broken foot?  This is no different!  There is a message in this mess.  There is a lesson for me in this situation.  God uses everything that we go through for His good!  There is something good that is going to come out of this test also!  A testimony for others?  Maybe!  A message for someone that is struggling?  Perhaps!  But I already can see the writing on the wall for me as I read through that Psalm one more time.  "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." 

I needed God to shine the light on my path that day.  I needed to know there was a danger to me on the other side of that box.  I needed His light to illuminate the coat that I was about to slip on.  If I had just slowed down.  If I had walked around the box instead of hurdling over it.  If I had broken down the box and kept the path clear in the first place.  God is showing us each and every day the messages that He has, the promises that He provides, and the light that He illuminates our paths with.  It's up to us to slow down, be still, pay attention, and notice His good word and good works all around us.

Times are tough for so many right now.  My prayer list is bursting at the seams with hurting, helpless, and hopeless people.  But, the good news is right in front of us!  So many times each and every day, I am led to God's word for direct words, direct instruction, direct prayers that are given to us by our Heavenly Father.  We only need to stop and look and see what He has done and what He has given us. I am left in awe and shaking my head sometimes at the wonder and beauty of His timing and His messages.  I might be struggling with something in my day, and I hear a verse, or I see a devotional and it's exactly what I need to hear at that moment.  I'm having doubts and the tears are falling freely, and I hear a song on the radio, reminding me of the strength and courage that only he provides.  I'm frustrated with seeing my treadmill collecting dust and all of the work that I put into getting myself to where I am today.  And he reminds me how much harder crutches would be with 60 extra pounds on my body.  Or how much harder this recovery and process would be if I hadn't been in such good shape when it happened.  The last time I had surgery I was fat and sick and tired.  The doctor called me in to do an evaluation on my throat and my neck because they thought I was too fat to have the surgery that I needed.  I was humiliated, but not enough to do anything about it.  This time?  There was no questioning whether or not I could have the surgery.  People are telling me to slow down on my crutches.  I am strong and powerful and resilient and I will get through this!  And, before you know it, I will be back on Week 1, Day 1 of my couch to 5K app, and I'll be back to the person that I have grown to love!

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  I know the way that I need to take!  God clearly marks out every step He has in mind for me!  And as long as I am obedient to Him, I will walk with confidence and joy in His promises.  I know that path that he has me on!  I can clearly see the destination that He has in mind for me.  And I am walking this path, one step at a time...just maybe on crutches for a while...