I Hate Everything About You...

Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.”

Seven years. Tomorrow will be seven years since my husband chose to end his life. Rather than face the punishment and the consequences of his bad choices, he drove up a quiet mountain road and chose to escape this world and the wake of problems he had caused, only to start the waves once again as he peacefully exited this life.

Emotions get all screwed up when you go through something like that. I remember coming home later from work. I had just strapped Emerson into her car seat for dinner and began the routine of feeding my little girls. Then the phone rang. Wondering if I had heard from Brian. He didn’t make an appointment he had in Seattle. I hadn’t heard from him. But I could try and call him. I hung up with her and dialed his number. It went to voicemail. I went back to the task of feeding Emerson. The phone rang again. It was Brian’s mother, hysterical on the other end of the phone. They had found his belongings in boxes labeled with names and envelopes also labeled with names. And my first reaction? Anger. I just wanted to feed my kids. I just wanted to rewind a couple weeks before and have my life not in shambles. And now he dared to kill himself and leave us and his responsibilities? I called my parents to come home. I called my best friend to tell her that they thought he had gone off to kill himself. I was pissed.

His mother called back to ask if I knew where he would go to kill himself. In the realm of conversations you have with your mother-in-law, I don’t feel like that should ever be one. Of course I knew where he’d go. How awful is that?! I knew exactly where they would find his body. That thought haunts me often. It wasn’t like that was on the list of conversations we had discussed. But I knew. And that was where they found him. And again, I was pissed. 

I made the drive to my in-laws house. I wanted my suicide note. I needed to see what he wrote about. When we got there his mother was hysterical. I entered their home and was angry again. They were angry at me. I was angry at the whole thing. The sheriff’s office arrived at the house shortly after I got there. When Brian’s dad opened the door, the deputy asked who I was. I told him I was Brian’s wife. He blew past me to Brian’s mom. I heard my husband was dead from the back of the deputy. He never told me my husband was dead. And I was angry. I stormed into Brian’s bedroom and began packing the things that were labeled as mine into a box. I grabbed the laptop on the floor and I needed to get home to my girls. I was so angry. Not until I got into my truck for the drive home did sadness creep in. 

I hate everything about Brian. Anger is the one emotion that I tend to reset to. I get so angry. Still. Seven years later I’m angry. I’m angry that he chose me. I’m angry that I fell in love with him. I’m angry that our best date was our last date. I’m angry he hurt so many people, even before he killled himself. I’m angry he was arrested. I’m angry he died. I’m angry for a lot of it. 

And then he was dead. And I was angry to be treated the way I was treated by his family and relatives. I was angry that he didn’t leave us better prepared for his death. I was angry he left me with debt that I’m still working to pay off. I’m angry every time I transfer money to that account. 

I hate everything about him. Which is really hard to stick to when that person was the person you fell in love with. The person you created two beautiful and talented and smart and amazing girls. It’s hard to stay angry at that person. But that’s what I want to do, more than anything. I want to be angry. Because when you are angry, you can’t be sad. You can love and remember the good times. You can’t focus on anything but the searing anger that rises in your chest and keeps you tough and strong. Anger is easy. Sadness and grief are not easy. So I try hard to stay angry. 

As I walk through the grocery store and see his favorite beer, I get angry. As I answer the 500th question about his suicide from my 7-year-old, I get angry. As I walk through the motions of doctor appointments for seizures and gall bladder troubles and tumors without my husband, I get angry. When I relive those horrific nights seven years ago when I close my eyes, I get angry. 

And yet, I am far enough above my journey that I also see hope and peace and love and faith. Those pieces are the pieces that I can finally see in the gloom. I can pause the anger for a moment, and see the blessings of this journey. I can be ok with what has happened and see how much growth I have made and move foreward. 

I am so thankful for a kind and loving Father in heaven that has been so patient and has waited for me to walk out of the anger and into His loving and waiting arms. He wipes away my tears. He calms the storms of anger with His righteous hand. He cradles me and the girls in His arms and soothes the aches and pains in our hearts. 

The grief process include a lot of layers. Anger is one of them for sure. I have had a lot of practice in the anger. But tonight, as we are close to entering the seventh year without my husband, I am choosing to give Him my anger and to help my healing process continue. I can see the blessings! I can see why each and every step had to happen. And as badly as I want to hate Brian and everything he represented at the end of his time here on earth, I am praying for a heart of healing. Forgiveness, love, peace, hope for our future. God has a plan! He had a plan seven years ago when everything seems to be taken away from me. And he has a plan today where I am starting to see everything being given back to me. God has blessed us immensely on this journey. And although the anger may still be there, I am being healed each and every day, each and every step. 

We are thriving in peace and hope and love. The anger and the hate will melt away! We are so blessed! And I can’t wait to see where my little family will grow in the next seven years! No more anger! Only love and peace and hope!

This Girl is on Fire...

Emerson is obsessed with watching YouTube videos lately. There is one in particular that had been on repeat for a few weeks now. It is an America's Got Talent clip of nine-year-old Angelica Hale singing Alicia Keys' song "This Girl is on Fire." If you haven't seen it, google it right now and take a peek. She's good. Very good. And she gets the golden buzzer. Sorry if that's a spoiler for you. Emerson's favorite pastime as of late is to put it on repeat and sit in the tub and, I'm assuming, imagine what it's like to be on that stage. Emerson belts the song at the top of her lungs. No shame. It's a beautiful thing and makes me smile. 

Needless to say this song has been stuck in my head for about as long as Emerson has been watching this video. I assumed that this was because this is really the only thing I have heard for weeks. But apparently, it was a not-so-subtle nudge on the topic of my next blog post.

The words of this song are important to me at this very moment of my life. The lyrics show a struggle of a girl, flowing between negative and positive, gaining strength as the song progresses.  This is a lot like real life for me. 

There's always this fine line I walk, I feel like. This line between being solid in my faith and solid in the plan He has for me and my family, and wanting to crumple into a pile on the floor and be done. It's not a struggle unique to me. I'm sure this is a line that many of us walk through life. The line between feeling our best, and feeling our worst. The line between rocking our job, and begging to be fired. The line between putting a smile on our faces, and hiding the tears. 

This girl is on fire. A phrase with dual meaning. My world, at times, feels like it's literally on fire. My soul sears in pain. I'm getting burned left and right. There is confusion and chaos and sadness. The remains of the world around me are charred and burned, disfigured and unrecognizable. I know that I'm inches away from crumbling. This is especially true now, as we approach the anniversary of my husband's suicide. Yup, it's been seven years. Maybe many of you are saying "Jeez, get over that already." I'm not sure it's ever something I'll just get over. My world burned to the ground that night seven years ago. And I got burned. This girl was on fire for a really long time. I didn't know how I was going to survive or make it through or carry on. And sometimes today, the sadness and the heartache is overwhelming. Knowing that I won't grow old with Brian. Knowing that I won't ever surpass my grandparents being married for almost seventy years together. Knowing that I don't get or have moments where I fondly remember my husband, or have a moment where I am filled with his presence or messages from him. Sometimes, this girl is on fire, and is unsure how I'm going to survive. 

But then I remember Isaiah 40:31: "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." I am made strong in the Lord. And although everything around me is burning, He is walking me through, and out of, the fire. He has healed and is healing me in all realms, in all aspects of my life. He has healed me spiritually and has brought me closer to Him in my faith each and every day. He has healed me emotionally where those moments I feel like crumpling happen less and less often. He has healed me physically to where signs of seizures are infrequent to never, my broken foot is completely healed, my joints are stronger. I have confidence that he will also heal my gallbladder and the tumor on my kidney because He is powerful. He has healed me in every area of my life. And I continue to grow stronger everyday. 

So, today? This girl is on fire. I am on fire for Him. I am on fire with my goals and dreams. I am not consumed by the flames, but rather I am using the flames to show just how brightly I can shine. I am on fire spiritually and ready and willing to share the beauty that has arisen from my ashes. I am on fire physically, changing and shaping my body to be the temple it is supposed to be. I am on fire for life! And I will continue to be on fire and to teach my kids how to shine our light for Him each and every day. 

Isaiah 61:3 says "...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." He takes the ashes from our fires and turns them into beauty. He takes them and makes good out of all things. The horrors that my children and I have witnessed in our years would seem to have wrecked our world and caught it on fire, when in reality, the spark in our hearts were set ablaze with love and peace and hope and faith. We are on fire! And you can be also! Be kind and do better! And live life not in fear of the flames, but thankful for the renewal that comes from the fire. This girl in on fire. My girls are on fire. And we can't wait for our flames to spread to those around us!

Last Resort...

The definition of "last resort" says "a final course of action, used only when all else failed." 

I walked in to the kickboxing studio last night, ready for my Tuesday night workout. I checked in and stood around talking to one of the trainers. Overhead the music was blaring, inviting us to get psyched up for the upcoming workout. I walked back to the locker room when it hit me like an ocean wave slamming me to the sand. The song that was coming over the speakers was the Papa Roach song "Last Resort." The tears immediately welled up in my eyes as my brain made the connection. 

Music is my heart and soul. It defines many of the moments of my past. I am immersed in music much like I require air to breathe. There's a song that pops into my head for almost every occasion. There's a song that reminds me of past events. There's always a song...

For a few years, for Christmas, my sister and I decided to gift each other a trip. Rather than choosing a favorite destination, we would choose a favorite artist, pick a date for travel, and see what city we ended up in to see our favorite bands. One year it was Dropkick Murphys on St. Patrick's Day weekend in Boston. The particular memory that washed over me in the gym was the year we chose spring break to see Papa Roach. The destination? Las Vegas...

The news this past week has been hard enough for my brain to comprehend. But add this memory to the mix and I was overwhelmed by tears and heartache as I hid in the bathroom at the studio to sob into my hands before class. Those people. Those poor people. My sister and I are no different than those people. Music is something that we love. We were in Vegas doing something we loved. They were in Vegas doing something they loved. And many of them were killed or injured because of it. 

This life is tough. So very tough. It is filled with trials and tribulations. It is filled with dark times and difficult roads. Just right now in this moment, I am working through the grief of the anniversary of my other dad's cancer diagnosis and the anniversary of my husband's suicide. Life is hard. And in order to unwind, to escape from it all, I go to concerts. And football games. And events with friends and strangers. The concerts I have attended number in the hundreds. Easily. Those people at the music festival in Las Vegas? No different. Their lives are difficult. Their stories are unspoken. They were at the concert to have fun. Blow off steam. Forget the world. And yet in an instant, their fun and their happy place were shattered into a billion pieces as shots rang out and their lives were in danger. Or worse, taken.

And now, we grapple with the aftermath. Conversations have turned back into arguments. We will hear blame being placed everywhere. Gun control will be brought up. Hotel security was listed as the blame on several news channels. Mental health is touched on a bit. Everyone sends their thoughts and prayers. Many comment angrily that thoughts and prayer don't do anything to help! I agree to an extent. Thoughts and prayers shouldn't be an afterthought. They shouldn't be something that we throw out there in the wake of a massacre. Thoughts and prayer should be the first thing we do, always, constantly, and before tragedy strikes.  

This country is falling to pieces! We are coming apart at the seams. Over the course of the last few weeks, we have torn each other to pieces over a flag and a song. We have been furious with football players. We have been angry enough at each other that we are showing sides of racism and bigotry. People are openly typing out amazingly hurtful comments on social media. We have treated thought and prayer like it is a last resort. Something that we throw out there when everything else is going so wrong. We have thrown God completely out of the picture. He is a last resort for many, a last ditch effort to save or bargain or plead with. 

Thought and prayer and God should be first! Not a last resort. He should be the one that we turn to in good times and in bad. We should be coming together in conversation and dialogue. We should be putting aside our differences to heal our country, to heal our people, to heal our differences. We need to talk openly about guns. And mental health. And racism. And recovery for this great nation.  And all of the hard things.  Because as we are fighting over topics, fifty-nine people were killed for doing nothing more than participating in something they loved. They were gunned down trying to forget the awfulness of the world. They were shot and targeted for taking a timeout from the rat race and doing something they loved.

Be kind! Why can't we all just be kind to each other? Why can't we take care of each other? Why do we have to be so stubborn and opinionated and work hard to make others' time on earth unhappy or miserable. Just love! And have faith! And find peace!  Find the gift of hope! Be kind! Please!

I've been doing a project with my students this week where I have been reading the book "I Like Myself" and then talking about what they like about themselves. Out of around fifty students, want to know how many could come up with something they liked about themselves, even with an example? Three...and two of those three kids answered they liked that they were good at video games. The other student like his hands. That is so sad to me! These kids don't know that they are special! They don't know that they have so many likeable qualities! They aren't taught to be proud of themselves! That's sad! How many shootings may have been stopped by a parent telling their child how special they are? How many angry adults would he healed had they heard the words "thank you" or "you're beautiful" or "I appreciate you"? 

We can do better, friends!! People shouldn't be murdered doing something they love! People need to hear that they are loved. By other people and by Father God. People need to be kind to one another. One small act of kindness could make a huge difference. Don't let kindness and faith and hope and love and peace be a last resort. We need to make it a priority!! We need to push it to the forefront of this life. This hard, difficult life needs the light of people. It needs God and kindness and a revival of basic human decency. We need to step out from behind our keyboards and be the start of change. We need to do better! I need concerts and football and time with friends. And I'm not going to live in fear, but I know there's hope for a future where you don't get shot doing something you love. So talk! Pray! Heal! And have faith that God will carry us through this tragedy and help us all to move forward in love and hope and peace and faith. Don't let God be a last resort. Move Him to the forefront of our lives and watch the world change for the better! Don't make these things a last resort...

Fight or Flight...

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future..." Proverbs 32:25

A few blog posts ago I wrote about light bulbs and the suicide of Chester Bennington, the late lead singer of Linkin Park, who killed himself. His wife recently posted a video of him during family game night. He was playing a game with his wife and children and laughing and having the best time. There was no sign anywhere in the video snippet that would indicate he was going to hang himself just a short time later. There is now an internet campaign where people who are depressed are showing photos of themselves with the caption "This is what depression looks like". The images that follow are "normal" people. Smiling faces. People having fun with friends. People doing what they love. Some admit they are diagnosed with depression. Some are photos other people have submitted of loved ones that followed through with suicide. The message is you can't just look at a person and know whether they are depressed or not. The same is true for people with anxiety. 

I am not diagnosed with anxiety. But I have it. I fret and worry and turn things over and over in my mind a thousand times. I don't take meds, but sometimes I wonder if I should. And I do my best to hide the fact that I worry about everything. 

The speech department had a training on Friday. I showed them a video called "Why Leaders Eat Last." It's a presentation by Simon Sinek. If you've never watched it, I highly recommend it! Towards the end of the video he talks about cortisol and fight or flight mode. And how that stress is killing us. For me, I have been stuck in fight or flight mode for so long, it has rewired my brain. The stress over the years has caused my brain to rewire itself into having a part that triggers seizures. Being stuck in fight or flight is dangerous, and I have experienced this first hand. 

For the longest time, I would fight. I would try and take control and fight my way through my days. I fought my attackers when I was assaulted. I fought through the days when Brian caused our family to implode. I fought through tears and heartache and pain. I fought...

But then I got tired of fighting. And I moved to flight mode. I ran away. I pulled my girls out of school one day and ran away. I would sit in my office at work and feel the tension building until I couldn't stand it any longer. I'd walk over to Diane and Kathy P in the office and ask them to sign me out for the afternoon and submit leave and I would run away. I would push away all of my friends and family and crawl into a hole and drag everything in behind me. And I've been sort of stuck there for a while. 

Recently, I started kickboxing, as an exercise alternative for myself. It looked fun, so I tried it. It was amazing. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally and spiritually as well. Every class, I fight back the urge to burst into tears and start bawling in front of everyone. As I'm punching and kicking the bag, I am laying everything running through my head on the floor of that gym. Last week, as I was choking back sobs in the fourth round, Heavenly Father asked me why I always revert back to the flight. Why is my first instinct to run? As I mulled this over in my head, I realized my purpose for walking into that studio. I was in training. For myself. But also for Father God. He didn't want me to run away. He didn't want me in flight mode. But did He really want me to fight? Was He training me to fight?

Not at all. He doesn't want me stuck in anxiety. He doesn't want my life to be about either fighting and flying. He wants me to rely on Him. He wants me to trust and have faith and give it to Him. Which, when I'm sweaty and exhausted and don't think I can go another minute in kickboxing, the tears brim and I know I can keep going. 

The Bible tells me everything I need to know about my anxiety and how to cope:

FIGHT: Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." He doesn't want ME to fight. He wants me to know that HE will fight. He will take care of everything for me. I need to close my eyes, be still, and know that He has got me in the palm of His hands. He will fight. I don't have to.

FLIGHT: Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." God will help me fly! Not fly away like I would like to, but fly with strength and dignity. He will give me the strength to face what I need to face. He will be with me every step of the way, helping me through it all. 

So as we enter October in just a couple hours, and as I face the painful memories of so many things: Tom's birthday, the destruction of my family, Clay's brain tumor diagnosis, Brian's suicide...I turn to the fight or flight versions of my Heavenly Father. He has a plan. He has the path set for my journey. He knows where I'm headed. He sees me at my worst and helps me to become my best. He is inserting the message in my mess. He is going to build the testimony out of my test. We are stronger everyday in faith and love and hope and peace. And with God's fight and flight plan, we will continue to recover, continue to grow in faith, and continue to soar! I laugh without fear of the future because my God is awesome, and I put all my faith in Him.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger...

Last Wednesday I decided to sign up for a 45-day body transformation challenge at my kickboxing studio. It's a chance to win $20,000 based off of your body changes. Not necessarily weight loss, but other factors play in too. When I signed up I didn't really sign up thinking I would win $20,000. I signed up excited with the anticipation of having a motivator for getting back on track with my eating habits and exercise routines. I did my measurements. Went to weigh in. Took side, front, and back pictures. Went and did a body composition test. And went to bed that evening with my heart filled with hope and excitement and motivation for starting another chapter of health and fitness. 

In joining the challenge we were also added to two separate Facebook groups for support: the national challenge page and the Silverdale challenge page. Yesterday, a woman posted a rant on the national page. She was upset that she had joined the challenge and that she was a part of the groups because seeing everyone else's posts, she determined that there was no way she would be able to win the $20,000 and was discouraged and not wanting to continue. 

I posted a gentle response to her rant in the comments. I told her that I looked at the $20,000 prize as a bonus. If I won the money, it would make this challenge that much sweeter. But in my head, I had already won! Wednesday I joined the challenge. Thursday I got an email telling me there was a tumor on my kidney. Typically, being an emotional eater, news like that would have devasted me and I would have immediately started stuffing my face with everything in sight. This time? I threw myself into menu planning and meal preparation. I made it a point to exercise Monday through Friday. I have accomplished so much in the week since we started. I've learned a lot about myself and about where my head is. And I'm becoming stronger everyday - physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

This morning was my follow up appointment with my doctor. It was a relief in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about!  It was also a stress in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about. Everything that I have read about this tumor, although typically benign, doesn't point to the nothing to worry about part of the scale. Mind you, I don't WANT there to be something wrong. But I also don't want to miss something that might be wrong. Part of this is wanting to be informed and wanting to be in control of medical decisions for myself. Part of this is wanting to do everything to ensure that I live a long and healthy life as the sole provider remaining for my children. Part of this is that I am skeptical of doctors and what they say. I have lost so many important people to so many tragic health concerns. So many missed things. So many mistakes. I don't want to be a missed thing or a mistake. I left my appointment relieved that there was nothing to worry about. But also plagued by the "what ifs?" I could feel my anxiety growing. My thoughts racing. My mind going to the what ifs. 

As I lamented and processed out loud with my prayer partner, I finally got to a point where I'm declared, "I guess I just have to let it go and trust that my doctor knows what he's doing." She gently smiled at me and said, "No, you don't trust your doctor. You trust God!" She couldn't have been more right. 

Too often, I try and fix things myself. Too often, I wrack my brain and try to come up with a solution that I want, a solution that I need. Sitting in my truck after the appointment, I brainstormed scenario after scenario. Should I let it go? Should I get a second opinion? Am I putting too much worry into this tumor? What if I never feel ok again? What if he's wrong and it is something to worry about?

It's not...

Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I know that sometimes this is easier said than done. But in my growth in my faith, I have learned to do better at giving it all up to Him. He takes care of all of us and loves each of us so very much. He is in control of my life path. So I think back to Saturday when I first shared my news and asked for prayers. The first prayer I asked for was for His will to be done. Not mine. Worry is a part of my will. Worry is a part of the plan that I have for me. It is not God's will. He has a plan. He knows my comings and my goings. He is in charge, and I will lay it all before His throne and give it all to Him. Hope in the storm. No worries. Only peace that passes all understanding. 

I still have a tumor. It's in there. And I can think of five hundred scenarios that cause me grief and worry. But that is not His will. 

So, my prayers have not changed at this point. I ask that you pray that His will be done. I ask that you pray that I let this go and give it to Him for it is His problem to handle. I ask that you offer up healing prayers for my gall bladder. There are more tests to be done for that, including a scope procedure and possible surgery. I ask that you pray for the tumor to be healed and removed from my right kidney. Pray for me and my children to have strength and peace and hope and faith and love through this journey. Pray for His will. 

I am humbled and honored to be a servant of God. I am so blessed to be carried in His loving arms. I am so amazed at the power and glory of our Heavenly Father. And I am so thankful that He is forgiving and offers us His grace. 

I will continue the 45-day challenge. I will continue to push through the days with my workouts, even when I don't feel like I can. I will make good food choices.  I will work on getting stronger and healthier. I will compete, because the prize is already mine! I have been blessed with amazing friends and family. I have been blessed with a strong mind and body. I have been blessed with this tumor! For because of it, I have once again been renewed in my strength and in my hope in Him! There is always a blessing and a lesson to learn in every trial and tribulation. And mine are still being unveiled. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...Stronger in faith. Stronger in hope. Stronger in the Lord!

Do Better...

The beginning of the school year was a little rough at the Duncan house. I really didn't want to go back. I did not listen to the experts and work on backing up bedtime to a decent time so we kinda went from partying all night to 8:30 bed time. The girls were super tired and cranky by the time I picked them up from child care at the end of their first day back. Sitting down to homework that night, Emerson forgot her assignment notebook at school. Amelia was checking her assignment notebook and couldn't find the worksheet for her English assignment. With tears in her eyes she declared that this was the worst start to the school year ever. The first day wasn't going how we had hoped. 

Every year after the first day of school we usually sit around and talk about how great things are going to be. We set goals for ourselves and discuss what we hope to accomplish. There were too many grumpy kids and tears for any sort of discussion to happen. Exhausted and already stressed out, I sighed and told them I was picking our family theme for the year without their input. Since day one seemed to already be falling into despair, I smiled at them and told them that our theme was going to be "Do better". 

They looked at me and asked what I meant by that. I told them that this day was a disaster. Forgotten homework and forgotten necessities and tears and anger and hurtful words - not the greatest start. But tomorrow was a new chance. Another day. We were going to focus not on being perfect. Instead we would focus on doing better. The tension immediately left the room as they agreed that that was a great theme for our family for the year. 

There is so much pressure to be the best. So much pressure to be perfect. So much pressure to get everything right. It's too much. And on days where there are five million things for everyone to do it's just too much. It's a lot to expect that we will always remember homework pages. We have so much to think about like making lunches and remembering to set out dinner. Packing dance bags and grabbing drum sets. Which day is library? Do I need PE shoes today? So we slip up. Amelia forgets a dance bag at home. Em grabs a gymnastics leotard that is too small. No reason to get upset. Just do better!

Last year was rough for me at work. I was working a 1.2 contract and was overloaded and overwhelmed. I missed some deadlines. Forgot to do some paperwork. Missed a session or two with kids. Do better!

I haven't been the best at eating healthy and exercising. I let some gluten slip by. I didn't count points. I stopped running and working out. I don't have to immediately shift into overdrive. Do better!

As corny and as cliche as this sounds, the email I received last week that rocked my world announcing a kidney tumor fits right into this plan. It has forced me to pause and think through things more carefully. What if this is the last thing I get to say to this person? What if this is my only chance to interact with that person? What if this is the last hug? The last email to her teacher? The last text to my bestie? My last prayer? The last conversation? The last time I can react to the car that just pulled in front of me? Our tomorrows are not guaranteed. This is true with or without a tumor. Live for today. Live for the gift of the minute you are in right now. 

Our family motto has always been Be Kind. We're adding Do Better as the next part also. Do better than you did today! Work better. Exercise better. Parent better. Teach better. Drive better. Play better. Live better!

2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith." It doesn't talk about winning. It talks about finishing. Do better. You don't have to be perfect. We don't have to remember everything always. We don't have to teach the best lessons every moment. We don't have to never mess up. We don't have to win at everything every day. We just have to do better. 

Do better! Have faith that God is in control and leading you through life. You only need to trust in His plan and do better! 

Be kind. Do better. 

I Want to Hold Your Hand...

James 5:16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. 

I am a faithful person. I have grown throughout the years in my faith and belief. I have been strengthened in my prayer life and in my love and devotion to Father God. I know how important prayer is. I love being able to intercede and pray for other people. I love knowing that I have a direct line to our Heavenly Father to be able to pray for my friends and family and even strangers. When someone asks me to pray for them, my heart soars knowing that this is something I can do to help their situation. I can petition God on their behalf and raise them up in faith to our Father for His will to be done. 

I am not great at doing these things or experiencing these feelings on behalf of myself. I feel awkward asking for people to pray for me. I have a hard time letting the leader of our church prayer chain know when I need prayers for a situation. It is out of my comfort zone. Do I want people to pray for me? Absolutely! But I don't want to tell them that's what I need. It's very uncomfortable for me. 

But, I find myself sitting at my kitchen table today needing to suck it up and ask for prayers and intercession. I haven't been feeling well. Some people would say that this is a perpetual problem for me. But when you live with autoimmune diseases, this is a reality. Some days just functioning is hard. It takes all my effort and energy to simply pull myself out of bed and get going. You get used to the fatigue. You get used to smiling and telling people you're fine. You get used to the pain. Well, there was a symptom I have been having that I finally decided I just couldn't get used to anymore. Persistent nausea finally did me in. It was like I was pregnant again with morning sickness all day long. I finally had enough and went to Urgent Care. (I'm NOT pregnant, by the way...so get THAT out of your head!)

Explaining my symptoms he poked and pushed and prodded. He asked about pain and I told him I have pain on my upper right side that wraps around my back towards my kidney area. He nodded his head and told me I needed to see a surgeon. He suspected, especially since I've had attacks before, that this was my gall bladder. My mom had her gall bladder out. My grandma had her gall bladder out. I'm fat, female, and (almost) forty so I fit the profile to a T. I called the next day and made an appointment with the surgeon. After meeting with him two weeks later, he scheduled an ultrasound and a HIDA scan to look at things and see how things were working. 

My ultrasound was last Tuesday. My results were emailed to me Thursday. Which leads us to this plea for prayer and intercession. As I opened the email the first statement says that the ultrasound showed a normal abdominal ultrasound. The gall bladder looks fine and there is nothing wrong with the bile ducts. Relief washed over me! Yay! No gall bladder surgery maybe! Then I noticed the number two bullet point. Probable...was all I read. There were big long words with a lot of letters I didn't know for sure. I took a second to try and parse the words apart from my Latin classes at UW and only figured out it had somthing to do with blood vessels. I did a quick google search of the word and my heart stopped. Tumor. The big long letters spelled out that my ultrasound showed that I have a tumor on my right kidney. In stunned silence, I did some more quick reading, started writing questions I needed to ask my surgeon and took it to Father God with prayer. 

My first reaction was that I wasn't going to tell anyone. No one needed to know. Not a big deal. The more I read the more I learned. It is small right now, but it's a rapidly growing tumor. The problem with the tumor is that it is made primarily of blood vessels from the kidney. So, if the tumor grows too quickly or if I have any sort of trauma to my back or kidney area, the vessels could burst and I could hemorrhage. The next day I called the nurse that works with my surgeon and asked some more and learned some more. Typically the only treatment is surgery. 75% of the time, these tumors are in the right kidney. I'll probably need a CT scan of my kidney. I need to watch for blood in my urine. And we're moving forward with the gall bladder tests to ensure that it also isn't a problem before moving on to what the plan will be for the tumor. 

So, I am reaching out to my friends and family and prayer warriors and partners in faith, asking for prayer and intercession. It took some convincing from friends and family that I would need prayers and love and support. Because I don't really do this. I don't want people to know anything is wrong. Most people don't know I have seizures. Most people don't know I have autoimmune diseases that wreak havoc on my system. And if I didn't have some super passionate friends and family most people wouldn't know that I now have a kidney tumor. 

But here we are. And I'm asking for prayers. I'm asking for prayers first of all that God's will would be done. I know the outcome that I want, but God is the one in charge of my life. God knows my comings and my goings and He knows what is in store for me. So, first pray that His will be done. Then, pray for healing. Healing for my gall bladder. Healing of my nausea (that's the worst). Healing for my kidney. That the tumor would be removed completely and that there is no damage to my kidney. That God would give me the peace and the strength to walk through this journey wherever it may lead. That God would bless my children and give them peace and strength in this journey. I ask that you pray for my doctors and nurses and other medical staff to develop a plan that is pleasing to Father God and that would lead to complete healing. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." This news is a mild shock to me. Not what I expected. But I am not afraid. I have the most amazing high God on my side and there is nothing that can steal me from His presence. Not Satan. Not evil. Certainly not a measly little tumor. I am strong in the Lord! He has me cradled firmly in His strong, loving arms. He has already walked me through some tough stuff in my life. And this is no different! 

So, add me to your prayers, please! Add me to your church prayer chains. Share this blog post to your Facebook pages and let's take it to the Lord in prayer! He is mighty and loving and can do great things! 

The Bible says in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or more are gathered in my name, there I will be also." Thank you, prayer warriors, friends, and family for gathering in God's name and lifting me up in prayer. I appreciate you all and I thank you for holding my hand in prayer through this journey! More to learn about God and my faith and myself, I'm sure! 

God bless you all in your trials and journeys also! Let me know how I can reciprocate in prayer for you! For we can only make it through this life with the love and support of our Heavenly Father, and with hand holding and walking through this life with our brothers and sisters in Christ!