Who Do You Think You Are...

If you have been reading my blogs for any amount of time you are well aware that I struggle with my weight. And although I have worked hard for the last few months, I still have a long ways to go in my journey to health and wellness. I'm aware of the struggles that still have to come. I'm down 52 pounds since September. It's a great accomplishment. I am so proud of the journey so far. 

There is a WeightWatchers community on Facebook. They post things, and I typically do not post responses. But they recently had a post on weight loss asking how far we had come in our journey. I don't like bragging about weight loss typically. I have family and a few close friends that I share my successes and failures with but other than that I'm pretty private. (other than this blog where I can pretend that no one will read it).  Years of failure have made it difficult to want to share things about my journey. Even with my current success, in the back of my head, I'm waiting to blow it. I'm waiting for the day that I throw in the towel and gain it all back and then some. I've lost 100 pounds before on WeightWatchers. Who's to say I won't do that again and then end up just as fat as I was before I started?

But, I digress...I wanted to share my journey and my success and what better way than to post it to people I don't know in a sea of hundreds of posts. It was like I was being nice and brave but not really. So I commented on the WeightWatchers post. And apparently attracted a troll in the process. In case you aren't aware, a troll is someone who has the main job of saying contradictory, mean, cruel comments on Facebook posts usually just to make someone feel badly. Yeah, this is a thing. And my comment hooked a troll. 

This troll wanted to know who I thought I was. Looking for praise for losing weight when it was my fault I got fat in the first place. Why did I deserve praise for letting myself go? Why was I any more special than someone who took care of themselves from the beginning and was always skinny. The insults went on and on. He put a lot of thought into his comment. And being the insecure person that I tend to be, it got me thinking. 

He's right. Why do I deserve praise for ruining my health and my body in the first place and then working hard to be healthy? He equated me to a drug addict who was in recovery. They didn't deserve any more praise or support than I did. I got myself into this mess, I certainly didn't need support or kind words to help me through my mess. 

The comments, even coming from a complete stranger, stung. But I could see that he was right. Why did I think I deserved accolades? Why should anyone be proud of me in this moment where all I could really say is "Yeah! I'm less fat today than I was yesterday." I did this to myself. Years of overeating with no exercise brought me to a point almost fifteen years ago where I weighed 361 pounds. When I first started working for the school district, that's what I tipped the scale at. I was humiliated. And that was the first time I lost over one hundred pounds. But I didn't keep it off. I didn't gain it all back, but gained enough that I saw the 300s again. 

I wanted to wallow in pity at his comments. I wanted to get angry and lay out all of my excuses for not losing weight. Thyroid problems. Losing my grandparents. Stress. PTSD. Anxiety. Flashbacks. The death of my husband. Raising kids. Single mom. Stressful job. I wanted to be angry and ask him back who he thought he was. But instead? I prayed and I asked Father God what He would want me to do in this situation. 

Instead of showing anger to this man, instead of letting him drive me to an evening with McDonalds and chocolate chip cookies, I prayed. And I gave it time. And I went for a run. I let myself feel every step of my run, my muscles working, sweat dripping down my face and mixing with tears. And I formulated an answer for him:

"You asked me who I think I am. I think I am a sinner. I think I am an imperfect person doing my very best to navigate this world. I am a mother and a widow. I am an obese human being. But I know for a fact that I am the daughter of a King who loves me and treasures me no matter what the number on the scale says. I am not looking for praise or support or pity. I take responsibility for my actions and I am working with my Heavenly Father to walk on the correct path to take care of myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I don't need your approval, because I am loved by my Father God." and then I turned off notifications for that post and left it alone. 

I know that I got myself into this mess. But as I've written before, I am always looking for the message in my mess. And this message is something I'm working on. I am just as my Father wants me to be. I'm not perfect. He knows that going in to each moment. But He still loves me with a love that is amazing! He loves everything about me. Whether I'm 361 or at my goal weight. My confirmation verse that was given to me all those years ago was John 3:16. It was chosen specifically for me. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..." That's a whole lot of love! It doesn't say He loves me only when I weigh less than 200 pounds. It doesn't say that He loves me only when I'm able to run two miles. There are NO conditions attached to His love. He loves me. And He is proud of the things I am doing to take care of myself. He sees my struggles and carries me in His arms, granting me peace and rest whenever I need it. He sees the hurt in my heart from years of turmoil and grief and He wants nothing more than to see me whole again. He sees the pain in my heart from comments such as the ones I received on my post and He wants to heal those hurts too. 

When I am feeling down about myself, when I cannot possibly see my worth, He is there cheering me on, whispering my name, reminding me that I am His princess...the daughter of a King! This world tries very hard to tear people down and when you get sucked into the worldly side of this life, it's easy to feel discouraged and terrible about yourself. But don't get sucked into that thinking. Remember that you are the sons and daughters of a King who loves you so very much, unconditionally. 

So I continue the struggle. I watch what I eat and follow my eating and exercise plan. And by the grace of God, I will continue on my journey to health and weight loss. Because even though I know that God loves me for me no matter what, I need to learn how to love me for me also. And that's what the most important part of this journey is - finding who I am behind all of the fat and pain and shame and finally learning to live the life I am supposed to. So I will plan out my meals, and run my runs, and stop occasionally to straighten my crown and remember the One who loves me more than anyone else. My Heavenly Father! 

For God so loved ME... 

Just An Ordinary Day...

I am truly blessed and it is days like Mother's Day where I'm made even more aware of how blessed I am. I have two amazing little girls who love me and are such good girls. I'm so proud of them. My day was spent with a good friend and it was such a fun day. I did a 5K which would have never happened just a short five months ago. My day was filled with texts messages from other moms who I love, Facebook messages from kids who I have watched grow into men and women over the years. I got to visit with my momma for a bit. Texted my sister a belated Happy Mothers Day in Japan (stupid time difference). I even got to take a little nap. It was an awesome day celebrating my job that I like best...being a mom. 

Looking at Facebook posts from friends, many of them had amazing days also. Days filled with love and hugs and brunches. Travels to visit loved ones. Days filled with flowers and plants and fancy dinners. Days filled with doing simple things just being with our mommas and sending love and good wishes. 

But today isn't about love and joy and happiness for everyone. I also had many friends that were posting about missing their mommas, who are in heaven this year. Or mommas who have lost children and Mother's Day is just another dreadful reminder that they don't have their babies with them anymore. My heart was sad for them too, for if I think too hard about being in either of those situations, I can't even imagine. I am thankful to have my mama and my children and my heart breaks for those with missing people at their tables. 

A different group emerged this year also. There were some moms on my Facebook page that were posting in exasperation. They were stressed and frustrated that they weren't having their perfect Mother's Day like they felt all their mom friends were having. They were counting the minutes down to bedtime. They were pointing out that they didn't want their Mother's Day to go the way it was going. They were asking why moms were so grateful and happy with their children and they were not feeling those feelings. And that made me sad also. 

Mother's Day is a day for celebrating our mommas. But it's just a day at the same time. A day like any other day. An ordinary day. Nothing says that this has to be the day we celebrate our moms.  If you are having a less than stellar mom day, you get another do-over tomorrow. 

My life isn't perfect. My children throw tantrums. My parenting skills sometimes are very lacking. Some days I'm so tired that all I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep. Start my do-over as quickly as possible. Life gets messy. But when those moments come, I take a deep breath, call out to God for help, and remember that life gets messy. Life is hard. There are days when we look like the quaint perfect family with everything put together. But more often than not, we maybe are struggling. I forget to do homework. As a teacher you'd think I'd be better at reading the teachers' weekly newsletters. Sometimes I pack way too many pre-packaged foods into the girls' lunch boxes. The girls aren't always happy and I give in to too many things I'm sure. But, again, we are given tomorrow as another day! Another try! A do-over. 

But, then there's another thought. Tomorrow isn't always promised. Losing Brian forced life to slow down in my head. Those do-over days don't always happen. Sometimes you wake up and life is altered forever. Sometimes you don't get that one last snuggle. Or the last "I love you" in before life is altered. Those kind of regrets are hard to come back from. Trust me, I've spent hours and dollars on therapy trying to move past those regretted moments. I wouldn't want to do that again. 

I know being a momma isn't easy. I'm a single momma and that's not easy, but I listen to my mom friends that are married and they don't have it easy either. In these times it's difficult to raise babies and feel like you are doing it right. There are a lot of societal pressures to "keep up with the Jonses." There are unspoken competitions for the best birthday parties, or the most talented children. Apps such as Facebook only make this competitive drive worse. I'm guilty of this also I suppose. I happily posted pictures of my day with my friends and girls. Pictures boasting of a wonderful day. Pictures of a great accomplishment in completing the race. But, those thoughts don't cross my mind when I post. I post to document time with my girls. I post to be able to look back and see the memories that have been made. It's not a competition! This isn't who can do things bigger and better. And it's also not a comparison family to family. 

Being a momma isn't easy. But I whole-heartedly love my girls and treasure each little moment with them, as I know each of my momma friends do too. It's not about the grandeur of the day though! It's not about making sure that Mother's Day is over the top. It's not about flowers and brunch and posting the best pictures on Facebook. It's about treasuring the little moments as our kids and families and friends are growing. It's about being together and loving each other and supporting each other through this crazy life. 

Our days are not perfect. They are far from perfect! And I'm sure many of us don't post about those days on Facebook. But as my perspective has changed and molded into something different, something better, I'm finding that even in the moments that I'm frustrated and want to pull my hair out, there are blessings in those moments too. 

Father God is the perfect example of how we should be as parents. I completely mess up every single day. I sin every day and I am impatient and grumpy. I rush my kids through the day and get irritated when they don't move as quickly as I need them to. I lose my temper when they are fighting with each other and get disappointed when they don't follow through with the chores that I've asked them to complete. But He still loves me...unconditionally. He's the perfect model for how we should be as parents. He forgives us in every moment for our mess-ups. He is gentle and tender and wants the best for us. He protects us and shelters us in His wings. And He doesn't ever make mistakes. But whether we are in the role as His children, or as the parents to the children He has blessed us with, He knows we are not perfect. We need help and guidance in both roles. 

Pause for prayer often. Ask Him for guidance in those moments you are struggling. Call out to Him in those moments you are at your wit's end. Allow Him to help you find your message in your mess. And know that you're not the only momma (or daddy) that struggles. 

But also remember to pause and cherish the little moments. For you never know when those moments will go away. You might not get a do-over day. You might not have another chance to tell your babies that you love them. Or to tell your momma how much she means to you. So do that! You can be frustrated and feel like this Mother's Day was the absolute worst. But work hard to pause and think about finding the message in your mess. It's there! I find messages in my mess daily. As you strengthen your relationship with Father God, those messages kind of fly right out at you! There are messages in the messes of the day. Messages to pause and reflect on the time with your babies. Messages to think about why they are reacting the way they are. Messages to just slow life down and be present with them! And if you can't find your messages, pray! Read your Bible and pray! God will guide you through this life. He will guide you to the verses and scripture and devotions He wants you to hear. He will be by your side for the perfect Mothers Days and will be there for the Mothers Days when you don't want to be a mother even. 

I love my life, and I love the messages that I find in my messes. Pausing for just a bit and praying has not only strengthened my relationship with God, it has also strengthened my relationships with my babies, and with others in my life too! 

Ordinary days...my days aren't anything fancy. I didn't get flowers or brunch but I loved spending time with my girls and the burger and tots I had for lunch. Ordinary days are my favorite. And my hope and prayer for all of my momma friends is that you will find the messages in your mess. Be proud of your mess! Be proud of the momma hearts that you have! Be proud of the babies that God has placed with you. On the hard days, remember that you were chosen to be the momma to the kids that you have or had. That God hand-picked you for the journey He planned. That He knew your momma heart could handle whatever mess was thrown your way!

Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends...here's to many more ordinary days for extraordinary people!! XOXO

That's What I Had in Mind...

This morning I rolled over when my alarm went off, turned it off, and grabbed my phone like I do every morning. I logged into Facebook and started scrolling through my newsfeed. And there were several pictures from various groups I belong to. Today is National Widow's Day. Seriously? Not quite as exciting as National Ice Cream Day. Or National Cinnamon Roll Day. I read through the posts people posted and maybe started to have difficulty breathing a little bit. Although my circumstances don't really impact me the way they used to, to pretend I don't have any reaction would be a lie. 

It still seems unbelievable that I am a widow. What a terrible word! It conjures up images of black dresses and veils. Or gross ugly spiders. I still look young enough that I still get shocked expressions when people ask me my marital status. I used to whisper it quietly, hoping they'd just let it go. Now I just say it. I am a widow!

Whenever I hear the term I am immediately taken back to my wedding day. The day I publicly declared my love for Brian. The day we exchanged vows and rings in front of our family and friends. The day we danced to our song together for the first time as husband and wife. Our song was "When I Said I Do" by Clint Black. I loved the words of the song:

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time

Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

The lyrics today don't mean the same thing that they did on our wedding day. That day was filled with love and joy and anticipation. We were going to find out how forever feels. We were going to have the good times and the bad and live forever together, just loving each other. Back then we had the world at our feet and we were going to conquer anything. 

Today, on National Widow Day, the feelings aren't quite the same. We didn't even make it to our fifth anniversary. He killed himself and left me alone to raise our two little girls. He hit bad times and chose to exit this world, this life, our marriage. When I said "I do" I thought it would be forever. I thought I was well on my way to reaching my grandparent's anniversary milestone of 67 years. I never imagined what was just around the corner. It wasn't at all what I had in mind. I didn't picture what those years could possibly look like.

This life is not what I had in mind. At all. My Cinderella fantasy shattered into a million pieces. My glass slipper fractured. My ball gown torn to shreds. 

But, on this National Widow Day, I am reflecting and I am thankful that life didn't happen the way I had in mind. God had a different plan for me, for my girls. The journey that I have been on in the last five years has been life-changing. Completely altering for me and my girls. Life is rich and filled with blessings. There is a quote that I leaned heavily on for the last six years. It says "You must be willing to let go of the life you had planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for you." Truth! Life has numerous twists and turns. Sometimes it feels like your path has been snapped off of the face of the earth completely. 

Life is not at all what I had in mind. It's so much more! Life is wonderful! The girls and I are navigating this new life as a family of three, blessed with an amazing and loving God who is holding our hands and dragging us down this new path He has for us. We have grown as people, grown in love, grown in our faith journey. Not at all what I had in mind. But then I am reminded again and again that it is His plan, His journey. Not mine! Not ours!

So I give the controls over to the one who knows what He is doing. Because it's not what I had in mind. It's what HE has in mind. For HIS plans don't even compare to anything I might want out of life!

So, on this National Widow's Day, I rejoice that I have had the opportunity to be a widow. To help myself, to help my girls, to help others along their journey. And I ask you to reach out to your friends that are widows today. Give them hugs, hold their hand, let them cry. Let them talk about how this is not what they had in mind. But remind them that our Heavenly Father has something in mind. Something that they could never fathom! His love is good! His mercy is good. You just have to have faith that the Master knows exactly what He's doing.

It wasn't what I had in mind. But living in my Father's love? That's exactly what I have in mind for the rest of my journey. 

Never-Ending Story...

A few weeks ago, you may remember a post I wrote called "The End is Near." I wrote about how I was hot stuff and going to finish my Couch to 5K app that week and then "Oh no, what would I do next?!" Remember that? If not, you could always go back and read it now!

Well, here it is a few weeks later. A real-life 5K later. A second real-life 5K coming soon. And this happened today:

I did it! I finished the Couch to 5K app! Now it's back to Days of our Lives and Doughnuts, right? (I've never watched a soap opera in my life, by the way. I just liked the alliteration.) WRONG! My blog post a few weeks ago was not accurate. This is not the end. I am not done. I don't even really like the term 5K finisher. I'm not finished! I'll never be finished! I'm a beautiful, Godly work in progress. 

This maybe hit me like a ton of bricks just last week as I was walking around my campus on my lunch break. I wasn't the only teacher walking that day. Across campus I could see others. Skinnier, healthier, beautiful women walking on their lunch breaks also. And it hit me. Diet and exercise and health is a never-ending story. You're never done. I could be at goal weight and running marathons and I still wouldn't be done.

This isn't the first time that this thought has crossed my head. Not even close! The difference? Last time I would have quit. I would have thrown in the towel and said "It's not worth it! I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to weigh my food and measure how many corn flakes I get. I don't want to look at food and see a point value. I don't want to choose the apple over the brownie. I don't want to run for the rest of my life!" But that is not the message that is filling my head this time.

I DO want to keep this going! I DO want to be here to watch Amelia and Emerson graduate, go to college, have successful careers. I want to watch them get married and play with my grand babies. And me being alive and healthy has a lot to do with following through on those dreams. I need to keep going and more importantly I WANT to keep going. 

The same is true in my spiritual journey. It has been a painful growth process to get to where I am today. I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs to get to the point where I am at now. Where I can stand in the middle of this beautiful world with my arms and my head raised high and know that I am a blessed, loved daughter of the King. His creation! And I have a purpose in His kingdom. 

I have come a long ways. But that is also a never-ending story. The moments that are filled with demonic presence are terrifying at times. The visions that I see and the voices I hear fill my ears and my heart and I panic and am afraid...for a second. And then I know that I have an all-powerful, omniscient, omnipotent Heavenly Father walking with me, fighting those battles for me, winning victory on the cross many years ago for these moments right here. And the fear is gone and my strength is back and before I know it, my authority comes into play and those demons are toast. And I celebrate because it's over? For a little bit...and then I know that I ready my Armor of God and get prepared for the next attack. It's a never-ending story. Satan and his minions work very hard to throw me off track, to confuse me, to suck the wind out of my sails. So I keep my eyes on Father God, my heart on His word, and my head resting in His loving arms.

Faith and health: two never-ending stories. Two opportunities for growth and maturity. Two chances to make myself better. Two times when I will rest in His arms when I reach a milestone, and then pick up my armor to continue to fight on. It's not over. It's a process. A journey. And I am blessed to be right on course for both of them. 

I Will Try to Fix You...

I've always been a fixer. I work very hard with everything I do to fix things. Broken toys. Broken hearts. Broken trust. Just broken...I work very hard to read people and plan ahead and anticipate their needs. I overthink situations and try to figure out ways to make everyone ok. To make sure that everyone is happy and people are kind and good and everything is going the way it is supposed to. I feel like this is something that I have done since I was a very little girl. I try to fix things. To make them better. To make people happy. 

At what expense?

There are certain life moments that I think come around to define the direction a life might take. Certain moments where the world stops spinning and time stops if even for a second and you learn a lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I believe that I had the beginning of one of these moments yesterday. 

My friend and I have been talking a lot about meaning of life type stuff. Praying and faith and forgiveness and God and our future. This past week, I have been bombarded with devotionals and images and short stories and prayers that have to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is an important step in being done. In moving forward from something. In giving something that happened less power and less control than it should have. I took all of these reminders as a sign that something or someone was supposed to be forgiven. But what? There were obvious answers. People that have wronged me over life. People that were no longer welcome in my present but had left their ugly mark on my past. But going through the list I felt like I had forgiven those people. She suggested that perhaps the person I needed to forgive was me. 

My friend invited me to write a prayer out about it. That prayer needed to happen and I needed to write it out. So I silently sat in a room and began writing out my prayer. As ink flowed onto the paper I slowly realized that it was me. I hadn't forgiven myself. For a lot of things. I carried blame for a lot of things. Not that I had done anything wrong. But that I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't fix people. I couldn't fix myself. 

That realization also came with other thoughts and feelings. I don't like myself. In not forgiving myself, I had lost all confidence in my abilities. I wasn't worthy of anything because I was in situation after situation that was a disaster and I couldn't fix any of it. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my husband. I couldn't save my niece or my daughter. I failed a whole line of people. I couldn't fix any of it. And I couldn't forgive myself for any of that. 

And now I'm on this new journey.  Life is not crazy and is so good. I'm down fifty pounds and I'm running and getting healthy. And like a ton of bricks I admitted that I was scared. What if I got to the end of this journey and I still didn't like who I was? What if being at goal weight and being able to run further than I ever had before wasn't enough? What if I could never fix myself? 

For the last week, there have been several instances where I have heard Coldplay's song called "Fix You." I have written about songs a lot before. I don't feel like I've heard this song before this week but it's been out there, filling my ears often this week. I was watching a video a friend posted right before I was given this blog to write and that song came on. I stopped what I was doing to simply listen to the song and focus on the lyrics and as I was listening, the voice that I have come to trust and love whispered into my ear and told me that this was His song to me, except He wasn't simply going to "try to fix me" but that he was going to fix me. With certainty. My prayer that I wrote out last night, along with the combined prayer from my friend ignited the fire that I needed to know that I can't fix anything. I can't fix Brian. I can't go back and fix the bad things that have happened. I can't fix my own broken, bleeding heart. But I can pray. I can pray alone, but even bigger I can pray with friends and family and my kids. And I can trust that God will fix me. I will be fixed and whole and love myself again. But I can't do those things without Him. 

The lyrics of the song say: 

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you"

His light ignited my heart and my soul and my bones last night as I sat with my hands clasped in prayer with my friend. He showed me, with this song, that He is listening and drying my tears and walking me through this. And this blog, given to me just a short ten minutes ago, is His way of showing me that He is working to "fix me." That with love and hope and peace, a whole lotta friendship, a bunch of prayer, and a little bit of faith, He will fix me. And peace! Peace which passes all understanding because I don't have to worry about fixing anyone or anything. Not even myself. I can't fix anything. I can only have faith, trust Him, stay fervent in prayer, and just know that it is well! I only need to be still and know that His light will guide me home. And that home will include being comfortable in my own skin. That home is knowing that it's not up to me to fix anyone or anything. That home is knowing He will dry my tears and provide everything that I need. Lights will guide me home. Both to my Father's arms, and to my friends and family that will be there to pray with me and for me. 

You can't fix it. I hope you don't spend as

much time in blame and shame as I have thinking you can make it better, and that you know that God will walk you through this. He's Mr. Fix-It. He'll get the job done to perfection! Trust Him! He will fix you...

The End is Near...

When I started this little Couch to 5K adventure about fifteen weeks ago, I never would have guessed that I would actually make progress. That I would actually stick with it. That I would complete what I had started. And yet, this morning I started Week 8 of the app. A five minute warmup walk, a twenty-eight minute run, and a five minute cool down walk. Twenty-eight minutes! I never would have imagined that I would make it to running for twenty-eight minutes straight. And for those of you that are wondering, that is running almost a mile and a half to two miles straight without stopping. 

Many of my readers have read several of my blog posts and know that mostly these runs are anxiety producing for me. Until last week. No anxiety. No fear. No whining and complaining. Someone asked me yesterday when do you get to the point where you enjoy it. That made me smile because I never thought I would enjoy running. Me? Obese, out of shape me? Enjoy running? Well, it's happened! I started enjoying running when I hit running five minutes solid. Not because I was enjoying running, but because I was enjoying the accomplishment of running. But last week I can honestly say that I hit a point where I enjoy running. 

When I first started this process, it was anxiety. Fears. Tears. Panic. Knowing I could never make it to the end. Pain everywhere. Not being able to breathe. Wanting to quit with every fiber of my being. And start of last week? It was feeling my powerful legs kicking through each step. It was feeling my arms pumping in rhythm with every run motion. It was controlled, steady breathing. It was feeling my heart beat wildly with anticipation. It was focus and determination and knowing that my hard work was paying off. I am a runner. I love running. And although I'm grateful for the days that I take a break from running, there is even a twinge of sadness at the notion that it's not a run day. I am loving who I'm becoming. My weeks of running and building endurance and training have led me to this moment. I am two runs, two workouts away from completing the Couch to 5K app. And I am excited about meeting this goal. But then what?

The end is near. And then what happens? I don't stop running. I know that much. Celebrate? Maybe get some cake! There's a piece of me that is apprehensive to get to the end. That's worried about coming to the finality of not having the app anymore. Several plans have run through my head. I could start the app over and increase my speed. Or I could download the Couch to 10K program and keep going for longer distances. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I assume I'll figure it out once I reach that point. Over the next two days I increase to running thirty minutes and then thirty-five minutes to finish it out. I feel like I will most likely need to repeat this week a time or two to get it right. And I have faith that when I reach that endpoint I'll know exactly where I'm supposed to go from here. 

Just like my faith! The end is near...No, I'm not a doomsday-er. I don't look for signs and try to predict when our Saviour is coming back. But I know there will be an end. And unlike the apprehension of my app ending, I'm not worried about the ending of the world. I know exactly where I'll end up with this one. Jesus died to forgive our sins. He blessed us poor, miserable sinners with his life, and in turn with forgiveness and the opportunity to live for eternity with our Lord at the time when the world ends. He loved us that much! There's a plan for the end. And I will be living with my fellow believers and my Jesus! No workout necessary. No strict training regiment. No gym dues or blood, sweat, and tears on my part. Just blind faith! Just knowing that He has saved me from my sins and I get to spend eternity by His side! Just knowing that my faith in Him and His love for me is all I need!

The end is near! And my faith in God and my belief in Jesus's sacrifice for me will carry me through the ending and into the next phase of God's plan for me. Whether that is the end of my 5K app, or the end of the world! My path has been determined. And I am thankful that I get to hold my Savior's hand and follow where He leads. The end is near...but will soon be followed by glorious new beginnings! Amen!

Worst Case Scenario...

There are several pieces of me that are really good at coming up with worst case scenarios. There's the anxiety side that generates wild stories like during the time I lost Amelia in the crowd for a while at Seahawks Training Camp. She had started walking down towards the fence to get player autographs and I blinked for a second and I couldn't see her anymore. My eyes wildly searched the massive crowd of children below while I ran over to my friend to help me search. I walked up and down the crowd of people, my heart racing, and I began to cry, visualizing someone running down the hill with her or seeing her being crushed and trampled under the feet of the crowd. I was near hysterics when I looked up and saw her crooked little grin pushing through the crowd, holding her football and beaming, "Mom! I got Ricardo Lockette's autograph." When she saw I was crying and asked what was wrong I just hugged her and cried some more. She pulled away and side-eyed me and said, "Mommy! Seriously? I was just getting autographs!"

There's the post-traumatic stress disorder side of my that can also conjure up some wild, unsettling images. Smelling a certain cologne can make my heart race. Seeing a certain car makes it hard to breathe. Specific dates and times can make me fly into a panic attack. Worst case scenarios fly all over the place. 

So, why can't I use those talents for good? What does that mean? Well, I got the idea for this blog on my run today. Well, technically before my run today. I clicked on my running app and it wouldn't open. My first thought was panic. Oh no! What am I going to do? Emerson asked me what was wrong and I told her my app wouldn't open. Amelia grinned and said "Oh good! You don't have to run!" But I turned my phone off and opened the blinds in my room to give it time. And then I heard a voice. "You were worried! You want to run. Maybe you even like it?!" 

This voice made me stop and think about my last run. Remember my last run? It was terrible. I stopped twice in the middle of a twenty minute run and couldn't make it all the way through. I realized that on top of all the other changes I had made to my routine that day, I also didn't start with my usual prayer time before. This morning I did...and then I began my run. And this blog post flooded into my head. 

Worst case scenario. I've written often about my anxiety with running. And the tricks I've used to get around that anxiety. So, why am I so anxious? What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst case scenario? 

Worst case scenario: I'm still trying! I'm still moving! I'm still lapping everyone that's on the couch. 

Worst case scenario: I get exercise in no matter how far or how fast I walk or run. 

Worst case scenario: I pause my workout to breathe and learn that I can take care of myself and check in to make sure I'm feeling ok and still run for twenty minutes. Even if it's not twenty minutes straight.

Worst case scenario: My kids are seeing what their momma is capable of doing and they are seeing that they can exercise and be healthy too!

Those worst case scenarios are so much better than the anxiety-fueled ones. I can see the positive twist and I am proud of what I've accomplished. And that little voice was right! I panicked that I wouldn't be able to run! Not that I couldn't run without my app (that's another blog post for another day!) but I did panic that I couldn't run. I do enjoy it. I like how I feel when I'm running. I also really like how I feel when I'm done running!

I'm slowly learning not to live in the worst case scenarios. Father God walks with me, and runs with me, along this journey called life. He is always with me, and always with my children, and I need to have faith that He has us in the palm of His hand. He carries us through the bad runs and the lost in the crowd moments and He will care for us. I have faith that we don't need to worry about the worst case scenario because He's got this! He's got us! And when God is on our side, there is only a best case scenario in our future! Thank you, Father!!