Stronger!

Today is a significant date in our lives...three years ago today my husband died. And for these past three years, this day has been burned into my mind and my heart. October became a month that brought fear and panic into my heart. Last year I hit October and I honestly can't tell you when I recovered. This year, starting in the middle of August, I began to panic that October was coming and I was beginning the spiral downward into despair and heartache and pain and panic. I tried hard to tell myself that it was only a month. I tried hard to tell myself that all would be fine and there was nothing to worry about. I tried hard to convince myself that I would just turn the calendar like nothing happened. I also apparently told myself that Halloween themed hair flair would make it all better because I'm fairly certain that my girls could wear a different bow or headband or ribbon the entire month and still not wear all that I purchased for them. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love pumpkins and leaves and the crisp air and football and the changing of the season and all that goes with it, but the events of 2010 changed that for me a bit. Fall became the season that I dreaded the most because of the painful memories that October brought with it. And this year started no different. October 1st hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wasn't sure how I was going to pull myself out of it. And every day after that I could feel myself slipping away a little at time. And then, something happened in our household that changed my tune. I'm not willing to go into details about it at this time, and I don't know if I ever will go into it, but my girls and I shared a struggle in our home over the last few weeks that started to better define my feelings about this month. And then I knew October 18th was just around the corner. And through what I would say is nothing short of the hand of God, a plan fell into place for dealing with the 18th. My girls and I shared an experience tonight that has completely changed us...for the better. We prayed and bonded and made it so our home feels like a home again, a place where we can live in peace and be happy and healthy and unafraid to take the world on together. Several times tonight, Amelia has looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad we did this! I am so happy now!" and she is 1000% right! Our house is happy! My girls are happy! I am happy! The tears I cried today were not the tears of heartache and pain and bitterness and anger. They were tears of joy and hope and relief that we are a family. We are a close family of three and we are incredibly happy together! I walked through my house tonight and for the first time in a long time, I could see our house as a home. A place where my girls and I will be happy together for many years to come. A place where we are safe and sound. A place to host friends and family and be able to thrive and grow together. October 18th came, and October 18th went...and we have survived and have come through on the other side even stronger. Life is full of possibilities for all of us! And the euphoria I feel could not be explained if I tried! I am the mother to two beautiful, amazing, resilient little girls. And how lucky I am! Our one more thing mommy moment tonight came as I was tucking Amelia and Emerson into MY bed. Amelia squeezed my neck tightly and said, "Mommy...I am SO blessed!! I have the best mommy in the world and the best little sister in the world and I could not be more happy than I am right now in this moment! I thank God for giving me this life." And then, for the first time in a LONG time, both of my girls drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. As I stood over them smiling and thinking about the past three years, my heart bursts with pride. Emerson has never known a time without turmoil and strife. And Amelia has been through so much being that she was three when Brian died that I worry about her a lot. But, tonight? That is all erased...we are thriving and moving forward! As corny as this sounds, today is the first day of the rest of our lives! We have the power to change what our future holds, and the three of us took a HUGE step towards doing that together today! No longer will October have it's power over me and my daughters. No more will we be stuck in a pattern of grief and pain. For we have taken a huge leap into our future. We took our future into our hands and I am thrilled with where we are headed. This house is blessed and sealed. No negative energy lives here now. Praise God for getting us through this! Thank God for walking us into the light! What an amazing future we have!! I can't wait to see what's in store for the Duncan girls! Throughout the past three years, many people have told me how strong I am and I have not believed them. I couldn't see how anyone would think that! Through my tears and pain and heartache and reeling and...But tonight? I am indeed strong! I know I am stong! I look back on what we've been through and I am amazed at the strength and resiliency of my little girls. And I feel strong and empowered and simply amazing! I, Tamara Duncan, am strong! And I hope and pray each day that my girls can be strong in their lifetimes too! They have been so strong and so brave over our short time together so far. And the events of tonight, watching them and seeing them grow and join together, I know that they will be just fine! Because if they can survive their father passing, and their mother trying to navigate through the grief process all while still just being babies, then they can do anything! And Amelia is so right...for I am blessed also! I have the best daughters in the world, and an amazing support system! We are here to take on the world!

A Question for You...

Something happened today that I feel like I need advice on...especially advice from my readers that have children. I had someone point out to me that my blogs contain lots of personal information. Well, I already knew this part, but it was their opinion that the information that I share about Amelia is too personal and that my sharing this information, and the details of our private conversations on this blog could have the potential to harm my relationship in the future with Amelia. That the information that I present in my blogs could be a detriment to her in that if discovered by the wrong person, they could be used against her. At first I was defensive to this person, saying that my intention with the blogs was to shed light on the inner thoughts of my dear six year old and to connect it to a life lesson I felt was important. To someday be able to sit down with her and show her my pride and joy in her. To let her know how deeply I cherish our conversations and that I am honored to be able to learn so much from her. My intention was also to add stories about Emerson because she is also starting to give me the "Just one more thing..." line. Her stories are not quite as enlightening as Amelia's, but she's only three so I was going to give her some time before writing her off as not good enough for blog material :) I was angry that this person would suggest that I was exploiting my daughter and that something I enjoy writing could possibly be negative. But, it's nagged at me all day. What if this person is right? What is Amelia grows up realizing that our intimate nighttime conversations are documented on the internet for all the world to see? What if she sees this and she no longer feels safe sharing with me, or talking to me? What if I've ruined my chances of being the person that Amelia comes to? It bothered me enough that I talked to Amelia about it. I told her that I write stories about the conversations we have and that people read them. She asked what my stories were about and I told her. I haven't read any of them to her, but that may be my next step to stop my stomach from being upset, but I thought I'd start here and ask what other people think, because I am torn. I'm torn between continuing the blogging that I am enjoying. Writing my story for me and Amelia to share in later years (and Emerson, too) and to be able to reflect on the conversations that we had. And torn between the other side that I do indeed cherish my moments with Amelia, and I would be devastated if she saw my blogging as a betrayal of trust. That I was exploiting her for my own entertainment. That I am using our stories to play the victim and not move forward. Because that wasn't my intention at all, but it is coming across to some as that and I would not want it to come across to Amelia as that. I am most certainly not trying to play a victim. In fact, this blogging process has made me feel stronger and more confident and a better momma to my girls. And I would never want that to be jeopardized. So, I'm not sure what the future of my blogging endeavors will be. My stomach is in knots and has been since this was pointed out to me, and like I said above, I'm torn. I don't know what to do or what to think. Perhaps I'll think about it all night and decide to maybe scale back on sharing details of my family. And if anyone has any advice or their own thoughts, I'd be curious to know because maybe I am playing the victim...maybe I'm over-sharing details of our conversations and our lives. Maybe no one really cares one way or the other, but I tend to take everything to heart, so I care. I love my girls with all my heart and no matter what, their safety and well-being are what matter the most. And if typing some words every night is going to be something that isn't good for them, then maybe this blogging stuff is not for me. So, I'll think and pray and worry about it for a while...and I suppose my answer will come to me at some point. I do enjoy writing, but maybe I need to go back to my other blog and post about me, so that it's my life that is exposed and not my daughters' lives. Because that was never my intention...never...

BFFs

This evening the girls and I spent our evening at Prompt Care and the verdict: Emerson has a bilateral ear infection and Amelia has an ear infection in her left ear. I'm so glad I always encourage my girls to share! So our one more thing mommy moment was when Amelia sat up in bed and asked, "When can I take the cotton out of my ear?" I smiled and told her it would feel much better if she left it in so she laid down and went right to sleep. Poor baby! She's had a rough couple of days. If any of you read my previous blog, you would maybe remember that Amelia also has many allergies. In her list of allergies so far (because some days it seems to change by the hour!) she is very allergic to: dairy, eggs, pickles, grass, nettle plants, dog saliva, bees, amoxicilin, penicillin, keflex (another antibiotic), and maybe tomatoes. That one goes back and forth. We have EpiPens stashed everywhere! So, yesterday when she went to the dentist, my wonderful babysitter informed her that she's allergic to many antibiotics and they gave her one that is not in the classes she's allergic to. But, the antibiotic that she is on is pretty harsh on the digestive system so they told me to make sure she eats yogurt with probiotics. Amelia can't eat yogurt, but the nice doctor at Prompt Care told me there was a non-dairy probiotic that Amelia could take. After reading all of the probiotic boxes on the shelf at Walgreens I found ONE that said lactose-free. Prompt Care doctor put Amelia on Erythromycin for her ear infection. And Emerson came home with Amoxicilin. They both get ear drops so hopefully life is good soon! Poor kids... Luckily, Amelia and I had a conversation earlier today that warrants making it on the blog tonight. I was cleaning out her folder from the week (my kids don't have school for the rest of this week) and I found a folded up picture. I unfolded it and it was a drawing from Amelia's best friend at school. It was a picture she drew of the two of them together and written across the bottom was written, "I like you Amelia." Cutest thing EVER! Amelia and this other darling little one have been friends for a while, but they have gotten super close over this last school year. And it has been SO cute! And it definitely warmed my heart! I smiled at the picture and asked Amelia about it. She said, "Yeah, *Friend's name here* really likes me, and I really like her. She's my bestie!" I could not have been happier! In the past few years I have definitely learned the value of having a bestie and I am blessed with a couple of the best! So, I am glad that Amelia is learning so young the importance of friends. Today at work was kind of stressful. Well, to be honest, everyday at work is kinda stressful lately. And in my stressed out stage, I knew exactly who I needed and I made sure that even though everything was going nuts and my phone was ringing off the hook and I have 5000 IEPs and Evals and a department meeting to plan and unhappy people and things falling apart, I knew I needed to see my bestie. I needed to take time for me, for us, and go and vent just a little and maybe even listen a little! To take a few minutes and laugh and talk and let go of my frustration. To check in and see how life is going on the other side of the building. So, it makes me very happy to know Amelia has already found her bestie. The one that she shares secrets with, and makes secret handshakes with. The one that she laughs and cries with. The one that she is so comfortable with that she quite often tells me, "I just love her so so much!" And I am so happy that I have that too! I have people that I know love and support me. That listen to me cry and vent and rant and sob and bear my heart and soul to. People that hold me and tell me everything will be ok. People to share secrets with and laugh with and cry with. And the ones that I am so comfortable with that I quite often think, "I just love them so so much!" So, thank you to the friends that I have in my life, and thank you to my besties, who always go the extra mile for me. You know who you all are...and I'm eternally grateful! Make sure you have a bestie...those one or two people you are super close with! Because you need them! There comes a time in everyone's life where you need those people to lean on. You need those people to bolster you up when times are tough. To remind you of your purpose in life! And chances are, the people that you pick to be your besties, the people you choose to be your person, maybe, just maybe might need you to be their bestie, their person too...

The Dentist

Amelia and Emerson had dentist appointments after school today. They were both very excited. We love our dentist's office and the girls have been looking forward to this appointment for a while. So, when I got into the car when they came to pick me up, they were excited to tell me all about their appointments. They got t-shirts, and The Lion King was playing on the TV screens. They got toothbrushes and toothpaste and Emerson showed me her cavity-free club certificate. And then Marilyn showed me the treatment plan for Amelia...she has an infected tooth and I have to make an appointment to go in and have it removed. And that changed the entire mood of the car, and of the entire evening actually. Amelia was moody and emotional and she started crying as we did bathtime tonight. Was she worried about having the tooth pulled? Yeah, but her anxiety was much deeper than that...but she couldn't tell me what was wrong. She sobbed in my arms and said how disappointed she was in herself. I hugged her and told her it wasn't anything that she did! And it would all be OK. That it wasn't any different than a tooth falling out. I tucked my sad girl into bed and I asked her one more time if she was OK. She burst into tears and asked if we could talk about just one more thing. I sat on the edge of her bed and she buried her little face into my chest and cried. Through her muffled tears she exclaimed, "It's all my fault! I'm the worst tooth care person EVER!" I pulled her away from me and I asked her what she was talking about. She informed me that she ruined her teeth. It was all her fault. I shook my head and said, "Sometimes these things happen!" And she wailed, "No! I did this to my tooth because I can't stop chewing on things!" Some of you may or may not know that when Amelia was 18 months old, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder with Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies. She was a sensory baby for sure. She hated socks and shoes. Clothes made her crazy. She would get too hot and sweaty at nap and would scream for up to four hours after. Fireworks and smoke alarms are enough to drive her over the edge. Crowed places are just places that we avoid. Every year we attend the Jackson Park Fall Festival and usually make it about 15 minutes before it's time to go home. She just has little quirks that she's had all her little life. Most of the things that plagued her when she was an infant are gone, with the help of maturity, Occupational Therapy, and other events that helped her move through things. But a few things have stuck. And the worst of her remaining habits is her need and desire to chew on things...everything! Paper, clothing, plastic beads, staples, sequins, and almost anything she can get her little mouth on. Our OT recommended chewy tubes, which are AMAZING and were very helpful when she was little, but not so cool now that she's six. And sadly, as she has chewed on things, things get stuck in her teeth. Many times she will come to me telling me that something is stuck in her tooth and we work and work and work to get it out. Lately, though, things gets stuck and she's embarrassed to admit it so she won't tell me until her gums are red and swollen and bleeding. So, Amelia decided tonight that there might be something stuck and it's her fault that her tooth has to be pulled. She talked about how stupid she is and that she does not know what makes her want to chew everything. And it dawned on me that I haven't directly talked to her about her Sensory Processing Disorder. So, I told her tonight. I explained to her everything that I typed above about her infancy and toddler years. I told her what it meant and that whatever was going on in her brain, it needed to chew on things. We talked about how it isn't cool to have a chewy tube and that she was mortified to think that her teacher, Ms. D., would find out. I asked her why and she said, "I don't want to be the only one in her class that is weird and has something wrong!" I shook my head and smiled at her and said, "You're not! I guarantee it!" She wanted to know how I knew and that she didn't know any other kid that had this problem. I asked her if she remembered what my job was and she told me to teach kids speech. And then I told her that I work with a bunch of kids that have sensory issues. And she asked me to tell her about them, so I did. She relaxed a bit and said, "So I'm not alone?" I said, of course you're not alone. You have your momma, but there are lots of kids that don't like the way things feel or taste or smell. And there are a lot of kids that need to do things to make themselves feel better. She agreed that maybe she could compromise and wear some of the "chewelry" that we have, but that she was still too embarrased to tell Ms. D. I agreed that was an ok compromise for now, but that Ms. D. wouldn't judge her. That people need to know these things so they can help out. So then we started into a conversation about how everyone has things about themselves that they don't like. Amelia asked me what mine was, and I told her that I didn't like my weight. That my weight and being fat my whole life has been embarrassing. That I don't want people to know what I had for dinner last night, or that I don't exercise, or that there are many activities that I avoid because of my weight. And then I started to cry. And Amelia wiped away my tears and asked me why I was crying and I told her that my whole life has been a struggle with what I weigh and what I should eat and what I shouldn't eat and how it impacts my life, and that it made me sad that she had something, some burden, that she might carry her whole life. She scrunched her face up like she does when she's thinking and she said, "You know what mommy? I'll work on remembering my chewie tube and let you help me with that, if you work on planning meals and exercising and I'll help you with that. Deal?" and then she reached out her little hand and we shook on it. I grabbed her and squeezed her and told her I was excited to help each other. She smiled and said, "Me too!" So, what's your thing? What are you uncomfortable with? What do you dislike about yourself? What do you want to change? Your weight? The way you see yourself? Housekeeping skills? Time management? Organization? We're all human...we all have something that is embarrassing...that if someone noticed or saw or knew that was part of your being that we would just as soon die as have it revealed. I don't want you to really tell me, unless you feel like you want to! But Amelia and I are working on ours. And I am once again sharing with you all because public knowledge of something that I'm working on usually spurs me to be better. So, it starts tonight...right now! Amelia went to bed with thoughts of her chewy tube instead of the other harmful objects she chews on. And I'm going to bed with thoughts of menu planning and walking and getting back on track with my weight loss. Because if my six year old is willing to put herself out there and work on something she's struggling with, then I'm going to do it right alongside her. And we're going to succeed! I want my daughters to be just as proud of me as I am of them!

Eyeballs

We've been sort of on a nightmare roller coaster here in our little house. And when this happens, we all get sick...we all get tired...we all get sick and tired. I know I've blogged about nightmares before, and this post is not another one of those posts, but it's a post about the aftermath of being sick and tired. We talk about death...a lot! It comes up at least once a week. I think that when an immediate member of your family dies, it just becomes par for the course to talk about death. Amelia is the most curious one...the one most fascinated with death and dying. We talk about her fish dying when she was little. We talk about how she almost died when she was first born because she wouldn't breathe on her own. We talk about daddy dying...Tonight's just one more thing moment turned into just a million more things moment. It's hard to just cut a six year old off when talk turns to death and dying and heaven and Satan. So, when she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I know why Emerson is having such horrible nightmares" my heart sank to my knees and I asked her why. She scrunched up her forehead, raised one of her eyebrows and said, "I'm pretty sure it has to do with Satan." I smiled and said that I agreed. That Emerson's horrible dreams could only be Satan's doing. Then, she squeezed her hands into fists and said, "That Satan has a lot of nerve coming down here to our house and messing with my sister. If he thinks he can get away with that, he's got another thing coming because I'll kill him." I'm pretty sure my eyes went wide because she quickly unclenched her fists and said, "Oh, that's not very nice. If I do that, then God is mad and Satan wins because he wants me to be mean. So nevermind." I gave her a kiss, turned off the light and started to walk away, when I hear, "Wait, Mommy...just one more thing, please?" I turned and leaned against the door. Amelia sat up in bed, glared into my eyes and said, "Mommy...how did daddy die?" I so badly wanted to get back to that other topic about Emerson's nightmares. I walked back to Amelia's side and sat on the bed and started to give her my scientific version of events where I tell her that his heart stopped beating and his brain stopped working. She reached over and grabbed my face with her hands and said, "No, mommy...HOW did daddy die?" Ugh...tears flooded into my eyes. This is not a conversation I'm ready to have with you folks (should that be plural?!), let alone with my six year old daughter. So, I grabbed her hands with tears in my eyes and I said, "Amelia, this is a very important conversation that I promise you we will have someday, but Mommy is not prepared to have that conversation with you now." She looked sideways at me and said, "Aww, man! I have to wait?" I smiled and said, "Mommy has to wait for God to tell me when it's the perfect timing and for Him to give me just the right words, and He hasn't done that yet. So we both have to just wait." She smiled at me, and laid back down. Her last words to me were, "Is this on our list of things we don't talk about at school?" We have a rule...that she can ask any question she wants to and I will do my best to give her an answer (an HONEST answer), but there are certain topics that if I ever hear she is talking about at school with friends, then our deal is off and we can't have those conversations for a while...such as where babies come from, or death, or medical knowledge...she's constantly asking me to show her pictures of things that she and I think are cool, but might gross out a majority of her classmates, like the time she asked if her eyeball could pop out of her head and then wanted me to Google it to see if there was a picture on the internet. (There is, by the way!!) So, I answered her that if she felt like she needed to talk about her daddy dying at school that she could talk to her friends about that if she felt like she needed to, but that it would probably be a better idea to talk to her teacher, Ms. D, or MomMom or Pa, or Marilyn, but that she was in a unique situation because most of her friends hadn't experienced death the way she had and their parents may not apperciate the lesson coming from Amelia. She understood, and then asked why God couldn't have given her something different to be unique about. She then quickly apologized, told God that she loved the way her life had ended up, and that she was sorry she was not more appreciative. I smiled and hugged her and told her how proud I was of her, and how proud God was of her. She asked, "One more thing? What do you think heaven is like?" (Seriously...let's hit ALL the heavy topics in one night...) so I gave her my best rendition of heaven..clouds and angels and sparkle and the people we love and God and Jesus and...she placed her hand on mine and said, "That's much more fun to talk about then death, huh?" I smiled and told her that I couldn't agree more. These conversations take the wind out of my sails as a momma. When I started on this path to husband and kids and family I didn't think that I would end up in place where I was talking death to a six year old. But, it's part of our reality. Death happened in our house. Death came and took a piece of our family, and my girls have questions. Amelia wants to know how it happened. Emerson wants to know why we're missing boy in our house. Some days, I want to know why I was placed into this life to have to explain death to two beautiful little girls. Why we couldn't have bedtime chats that just revolve around ballet or toys or friends at school. And then I think of Amelia's words of wisdom that I just typed up above. I need to apologize to God, tell Him that I love the way my life ended up, and show more appreciation for what He has done for us! We may not have a boy in our house, but that too was part of the Master's plan. And God placed me with these two little girls for a reason. Maybe it is to teach them about death and dying and heaven and resiliency. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the one that is supposed to learn from them, because I do each and every day. What a relief to know that the three of us are in this together! There would be no one else that I would pick to be on this journey with me than those two little girls! So, I cherish all of my moments with my girls and I look forward to more conversations about babies, and death, and eyeballs falling out of heads because I am glad my girls are comfortable asking me those questions, but I'm also thankful for every moment with them...even the conversation I'll have to have someday about how their daddy died. Until then, I'll take the eyeball question any day :)

The 12th Woman

Some of you may know that I love football...specifically, the Seahawks. For our first Christmas together, I bought Brian season tickets to the Seahawks. I was so excited for him to open that gift and see what we were going to be able to spend time doing together. Although, when we finally got our tickets, I didn't get to go as often as I would have liked to. But, now that the tickets are mine and mine alone, I get to go to every game if I want to...and I do!! There is nothing that I love more than being at a Seahawks game and until you've gone to one in person, I don't think you could ever understand! The joy that I get from watching the players enter the field, seeing the 12 Man flag raised, hearing the deafening roar of the crowd, watching the bone-crushing plays. It's awesome! Those are most certainly my happy day! I love football! When Brian passed away, I posted my tickets for sale on Facebook. Nothing like the panic of one entire income being ripped out from under you to spur on life-changing decisions. I sold me tickets. In a period of about 45 minutes, I watched as all of the games I had left were sold. I was devastated. But, in the midst of my sadness I had several of my friends purchase them and take me with the other ticket. And I am eternally grateful to those people! That was such a hard time for me, and the generosity that you all showed just purchasing the tickets was amazing, but for some of you to take me with you warmed my heart! One of the people that took me to the game with them was Kristi. Kristi and I were not close three years ago. In fact, her mom had tried to get us to be friends, but neither of us were interested in friends at that point...or at least I wasn't interested. I was getting married! I didn't need friends, I had Brian. And then my world came tumbling down and this girl I barely knew bought the tickets for my birthday weekend...and then took me with her. She and I had a fantastic time and we became fast friends! And she's gone to almost every home Seahawk game since then. And there isn't anyone in the world I would rather spend my football days with than her. We laugh. We cry. We vent. We maybe drink a little bit...we cheer for our home team whether they are winning or losing (although we say all the time how much more fun it is when we win.) This girl was a stranger. And then she was my friend's daughter. And then she was my football partner. And now she's one of my very best friends. I love her with all my heart and I live for the days of the home games. It used to be about the football...and it still is to a point, but I also can't wait to spend time with this girl who is kind and amazing and funny and my soul sister. Seahawk Sundays with Kristi are my happy place! My heart soars when we sit in those seats together laughing and screaming our lungs out. Which bring me to my One More Thing, Mommy moment: I tuck Amelia into bed and she says, "Why do you like football so much? What's so great about it?" And I proceed to tell her basically what I've typed above. She squints her eyes and looks at me and says, "So, it's really just an excuse to hang out with Kristi?" I smiled at her and said, "Yes, Amelia. That is part of it. I love football a lot, but I love Kristi a lot too." Then Amelia says, "Mommy, Emerson and I miss you a lot when you are gone." My guilty mommy side kicked in immediately and I said, "I know Amelia. I miss you both too, but..." "Mommy...you didn't let me finish. Emerson and I miss you a lot when you are gone, but we hope that you aren't sad. We know how much you love Kristi. And you know how much WE love Kristi. So, we aren't sad when you go to football with Auntie Kristi because we know it makes you both happy. You are our best mommy ever, and we want you to be happy because you do everything for us. So, staying with MomMom and Pa is our way to thank you for all you do, because we just love you and want you to be happy." She told me good night and I stood there for a few minutes...thinking in awe once again at the gift I have in those two girls. I am a lucky momma...not only do I get to go to football and have a bestie in Kristi, but I also have two of the most precious, most caring, most sensitive girls in the world. I am a blessed momma...and a blessed friend...and a blessed football fan :) What more could a girl ask for? Go Hawks!

Burying Your Head in the Sand

Amelia's teacher has a prize box. It's part of the reward system that she uses in her classroom apparently. If they students are "caught" doing something good, they fill out a slip and get their names into a drawing to win things at the end of the week. This last Friday, Amelia's name was drawn and she got to go to the prize box. According to Amelia, there were smiley face erasers, a baby doll, and other things that would entertain most six year olds. Amelia picked a mini stuffed ostrich which Amelia named Hefe. We have chickens (real ones) on our mini farm. The first batch of chickens we got were named after berries (Strawberry, Blackberry, Blueberry) and the second batch of chickens we named after beer. Hefeweizen is one of them, so naturally she names everything that now. So, we now own an ostrich named Hefe. Amelia was telling me about picking the ostrich out of the box. She loves that little ostrich. She has played with it all weekend, even fashioning a dress and a pair of pajamas for it. Tonight, she was asking about ostriches. We talked about how fast they run. We talked about how they have tiny brains. We talked about how they bury their heads in the sand when they are frightened. Working in the schools, I remember seeing information on gifted learners and how they are not just satisfied learning stuff, but that they take it to the next level and want to know everything about a topic. So, talking about ostriches tonight eventually let to getting my iPad out and watching videos on ostriches. She wanted to see one bury his head in the sand. But YouTube did not help out with that. We saw them running. We saw them eating. We saw them being turned into soup and satay. :( But no hiding their heads in the ground. Amelia was rather disappointed, but she decided to act it out. She climbed into bed, and shoved her head under her pillow. Then she sat up and said, "Oh my gosh! I'm just like an ostrich! I bury my head under my pillow instead of burying my head in the sand." She giggled, rolled over, and said "good night, mommy!" I started to walk away and she came back with her one more thing, mommy moment: Mommy...it's ok to bury your head when you're scared, isn't it? I came back to the doorway and stood silent for a minute. I was at a loss for words. I know that many times in my life when I'm afraid all I want to do is bury my head...pretend bad things never happen...pretend everything is ok. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it is, unless you don't ever deal with what you need to deal with. Three years ago this month, my life was turned upside down. And I was fine. I buried my head in the sand. I went into autopilot and told everyone that everything was fine. That nothing was wrong. That I was fine, all the while burying my head in the sand. And all of this denial and pretending and not facing my fears led to physical problems...seizures mostly, but I haven't felt well for years. So, I told Amelia that it was natural to be scared. That it was part of life to be afraid of things and it was human reaction to bury our head in the sand. And that was OK. But, we need to talk about our fears. We need to reach out to others when we want to bury our heads in the sand. We need to know when enough is enough and pull our heads out of the sand and face our fears. And that is a hard thing! I'm still trying to face my fears. I'm still trying to fight the urge to bury my head. But in the long run, it's the best choice, the healthiest choice. Amelia started to lay down and tuck her head under her pillow. She said, "Mommy, I just can't face my fears right now. I'm too scared to not put my head under my pillow." I walked over and held her hand. I told her that I would be here for her always. That I am just down the hallway and that we always prayed that nothing bad is going to happen to her. She hugged me, and told me I was the best mommy ostrich ever. She laid her head ON the pillow, and drifted off to sleep as I sat next to her on the bed with tears streaming down my face. It's hard to fight your fears. It's hard to face your fears. It's even harder to be a momma to a little one who is scared to face her own fears. I wish I could take away her fears. I wish that I could help her get rid of the things that torment her little spirit. But, if I've learned anything it's that we each have to take the steps to develop our own resiliency. And if a little stuffed ostrich can play even a little part in getting Amelia to develop her resiliency, then that will be the best lesson she's learned in first grade. So...don't bury your head in the sand! Please, don't bury your head in the sand. Face your fears, your worries, your stresses, and let them go! Because in the end, burying your head in the sand is suffocating and you have to come up for air sometime. And whatever was there when you buried your head, will still be there waiting for you...